|Reviews for Kingdom Heroes|
| Beth chapter 3 . 1/2/2009
| MarySue-Busters chapter 3 . 1/22/2008
(( Before you start, just know that there's two of us- One girl that knows her manners, and one girl that knows reality. You can guess which one I am. ))
/KERPOW. WE GOT YOU. 8D/
We were reading your story, and to be honest, we found some Mary-Sue related setbacks keeping it from being uber good. :D We mean not to hurt you, and you don't have to listen to these suggestions, these are just an example of the ability of free speech:
-Okay, for one thing... Mina is absolutely perfect. I don't wanna seem rude, but I see no other way. Parents are murdered, her cousin is Aerith meaning she meets the Kingdom Hearts crew, Riku and Sora are going to fight over, lead singer in the KH band? I'm sorry- It makes me gag.
-Your story is well formulated. It has an engaging plot, and places cliffhangers in the right spots.*such as when, Demitri came in and got hit by the car, but reformed himself*
-However, like all clouds with silver linings comes some negative weather, or at least moisture:
*Mina's scenario is overrated. On the point, it seems so... chancey that she ended up Aerith's cousin, meeting all the cast of KH, catching Axel's eye, and having her parents die on her front lawn. Srsly. In a mediocre story at the most, the parents' death would have little to do with the story plot. But it seems to feed into the action as Natesa introduces herself.
-Mina's abilities... As far as things go in the real world, I DO know some people who can draw AND sing, but this also seems more like the singing is an yet ANOTHER enhancer to Mina and has barely anything to do with the plot. The singing talent was nice and worked with our meeting Demitri, but 'the voice of an angel'? It just adds to her Sue-ness.
-I would have preferred a little more definition in EVERYTHING that happened, and maybe even why. Like what happened in the talent show and what her outfit looked like, besides a tank top, miniskirt, and ribbons around her arms. Just describe the outfit a bit more, because I LOVE drawing out descriptions. And on drawing, that is an example of an enhancer. It's nice, but does nothing to help the story along.
-One more thing... 'OMG!' just seems odd in a fanfiction, unless it's used in a chatroom scenario in a fanfiction. I'm sorry, I'm one of those grammar freaks you hear about!*dies remembering a nightmare in class having to do with comma placements* And cussing does not make a story sound nicer. It can be used if the character speaks like that in an actual scenario, but randomly thrown around swear words makes a story seem untidy.*see comma nightmare quote*
But overall, it was a fairly good story. You have a nice command of word control, double spacing, and spelling. And you can tell you had this planned out, instead of "I'm just typing up whatever comes in my head and onto the computer without planning and calling it writing". I do admire a great story, and I support ANYONE who's brave enough to come up with a fanfiction, since it is a personal idea on one person's take of a story. We're just being editor-like and following fanfiction code and just making notes, like when a teacher goes over your essay (Don't you just HATE IT every time you see one of those red streaks? I wince with every point my GPA drops.:( ) Please don't be mad, We're just trying to help.
You don't have to listen to us, but heed our advice: look back on your, stories, improve a little, (( stop making Mina so durned perfect! D: )) and then maybe you'll have a unique story and a Mary-Sue proof character! :DD
| MysticalMagery chapter 3 . 6/30/2007
omg you have to write more
| Dylan Meushaw chapter 1 . 4/24/2007
Hey this is Dylan The guy from wicked. This websites being poopy and won't let me sign on or create a new profile.
| White Wolf of the C.O.C.A chapter 1 . 2/27/2007
| White Wolf of the C.O.C.A chapter 3 . 1/24/2007
| Kyo of the COCA chapter 2 . 12/28/2006
ya had ta do Riku, huh? I bet you were putting yourself in Mina's place in your mind! *snigger*
really good so far. keep up the romance!
| warpedintotwilight chapter 1 . 12/26/2006
Mary sue... *hiss*
| Maple Story of Anime of COCA chapter 3 . 12/11/2006
No! Not another Cliffie! I LOVE THE WAY YOU MIND WORKS! Very interesting... So i'm gonna be waiting for Chapter 4! 20 (at least)/10
| about-a-meg chapter 3 . 12/6/2006
Yay! I like this story a lot!
OMG why do you give us cliffies!
o well...as long as you promise to update!
| Evil Genius of the COCA chapter 3 . 12/5/2006
o0o0o! freaky. and youre right, this definetly has a very Heros twist. cool. anyway keep on writing! and when is the u-kno-wut gionna happen in OUABH! the suspense is driving me insane(er)!
| Evil Genius of the COCA chapter 2 . 11/19/2006
heehee! its funny for some reason, i dont know why but i was grining and laughing when i read it. keep writing! i wanna see the chapter u showed me in school. i hope u know the one cuz i dont want to give away specifics in case someone else reads this.
| Evil Genius of the COCA chapter 1 . 11/16/2006
souds good so far Jen! kant wait for the next chapter! oh and i now have three chapters of Oh the Insainity, Chaos, and Hyperness Inside! im sure you'll like chapter 3. i sure had fun writing it :D
| cabbage.head chapter 1 . 11/16/2006
Nozomi: not bad
Misa: really! OMG! you got to get the romantic stuff on! come on!
Nozomi: -sweatdrops- sorry Misa is a sap for romance
Misa: the heck i am -swoons-
Nozomi: anyway we'll be waiting...
Misa: TRUST ME! WE'LL BE WAITING!
| Hi chapter 1 . 11/16/2006
Aerith's last name is Gainsborough.