|Reviews for The One True Dragon|
| D4rK Sid3 chapter 13 . 1/23/2012
Nicely done. It has been a long time since I have seen a great and interesting Xiolin Showdown fic...that isnt a disgustng CHack or some horrible yaoi. In any case, Im sensing that Wuya and Jack could have a connection...looking up to that. I like how Jack is in this chapter, it is very fitting for some reason, and Im liking what you have been doing. Great job, I will be watching this until the next chapter.
| nequam-tenshi chapter 2 . 8/5/2011
Your story is awesome so far!
Please visit the sites below to sign the petitions!
To put seasons 2 and 3 on DVD:
/ / To make a season 4:
www. 4 t h - - o f - - /
| Katra21 chapter 9 . 7/26/2011
This chapter was really good. One small spelling mistake did catch my attention. Wuya trying to hide her sock, when it should have been shock. Well it paints a very entertaining picture, and I'm sure I'll never think of solid Wuya without a sock-puppet attached to her hand now. Still, I doubt you had that in mind.
For the most part this chapter is just lacking setup. And peeking at you last chapter makes this the end of my reviews I guess. I look forward to reading more of your work elsewhere.
| Katra21 chapter 8 . 7/20/2011
Going into Wuya's flashbacks works a lot better here, either because you've done it before or because you ended the last chapter with a focus on Wuya so the focus on her past wasn't so uncomfortable a jump. Either way, it works nicely, it's also fun imagining Hannibal as a normal boy, I always found it annoying that their greatest villain was a flippin' bean.
The Jack and Wuya interaction was a little slow, but otherwise enjoyable. Although somewhere in there the balance of dialogue and inner thoughts feels a little off. It would have been nice to get a little more after-the-fact deduction from Wuya, and focus more on the visible reactions while they're talking. There's also too many sentences that begin with he/she in this section, improving upon even just that would probably make it flow better.
You're throwing in hints of Jack/Kimiko. That's just asking for a shippers war. I commend your guts. It's actually a smart move, although any solid end-pairing you give will leave some people unsatisfied the attachment to the pairings will make your readers more dedicated to your story. Now we're actually getting drawn into their personal lives. Although, again it would be nice if this was set up better, since Kimiko/Rai are never a confirmed couple, you might want to make their personal connection a little more transparent. Same with Jack's crush on Kimiko, I only know it from the series and really not from your story. It's actually quite debatable how much interest Jack has in Kimiko since it's really only obvious in one episode.
Here we see a little more emotional reaction from Raimundo, here it seems like he's in the stage of bargaining, but it feels like its out of the blue because it's not supported by his reaction in the last chapter. You could make it something Kimiko did, but if it is I want to know about it. Growing a little rivalry between Jack and Raimundo is awesome, but it would be more emotionally satisfying if it was supported with a more solid relationship beforehand.
My biggest problem, this chapter actually feels like your story is just starting. That's frustrating, why is it only now that I feel it's just starting? It's not necessarily a bad thing, it indicates rising action, and greater intensity, but it also makes me feel as though the previous chapters were lacking. If there was a stronger rise and fall throughout it would make the whole story more compelling.
| Katra21 chapter 7 . 7/18/2011
So... I've been a little sidetracked, but I want to get back to giving you critiques so I will. (Seriously, your story has been sitting open in my browser for a couple weeks.)
Alright, so this is the first chapter where I really enjoy the dynamic between Dashi and Jack. It's a lot of fun.
My big problems are with Raimundo waking up. For all the buildup you did this is just a let-down. Raimundo's reaction to the extent of his injuries. First off, already knowing, I at least want to know how that happened, if it was Dashi then I think Raimundo could mention it. It seems like he already knew that Dashi was in contact with Jack, so mentioning it wouldn't be out of place with the idea that Raimundo asked Dashi to intervene on Jack's behalf. If there was some other reason he figured it out, weird dreams, or maybe hearing a sickening crack when he was fighting Chase then you could indicate that somehow.
Still with all the ways that Raimundo could react to this. Depression, anger, bargaining, denial... going straight to acceptance is unsatisfying and it also seems lazy, like you just don't want to deal with another character having to go through some heavy issues. If he is going straight to acceptance then there has to more explanation as to how he got there.
Is that a hint of Rai/Kim in there? Smiles for all their shippers.
Using the Wuya and Hannibal Bean right at the end makes this a good cliffhanger though it feels a little out of place because the rest of the chapter didn't have enough focus. The fun-time with Dashi doesn't really mesh well with the dull interaction with Raimundo, so the step away to deal with Wuya isn't really stepping away. This would probably be resolved if the Raimundo portion was more focused and emotion-driven. Then your audience actually needs the breather of stepping away.
| Katra21 chapter 6 . 7/3/2011
Without a doubt your best chapter so far, I don’t know if you had more focus while writing this part or if it just turned out that way. Although this doesn’t have a framework that’s easy to label, I can really feel the direction and purpose in this portion. Because you let Wuya into the Jack focussed chapters he really isn’t out of place when he gets time here. The last three scene cuts seem rather choppy though. Hannibal, short memory, and then back to Hannibal, it would be nice if the memory was expanded, and Hannibal’s portion done all at once.
Again, it would have been nice if Clay and Kimiko got either slightly expanded throughout or more expanded when they do show up, but otherwise this chapter is very clean and has much better flow. Maybe you took a little more time, or were more into the flow of your story, or even just went over it more before posting than the others, but there is a definite difference.
I found it a little hard to follow the beginning, perhaps a little more focus on their age, or cut in the part with Chase from last chapter. XD It really might serve you a little better here, preparing the reader for the focus on Wuya before jumping into her dreams, otherwise, a few small refinements and you could pretty well copy and paste this chapter into the rewrites (should you choose to pursue them).
| Katra21 chapter 5 . 7/2/2011
The resolution chapter. This is normally the chapter that is the droning from point A to point B, but coming from the last chapter I’d call it an improvement. Your framework is back, but it’s very very thin at the moment, nearly half this chapter is a distraction rather than a boost.
I don’t need to know what Chase is thinking, maybe add it to the beginning of the next chapter, because where it is now it’s just taking away from the emotional catharsis that’s going on here.
As for the monks, I feel like these reactions should be used to counterpoint Raimundo learning that he’s paralyzed, if you really feel that they belong here then they need to be expanded because none of these other monks have really gotten any limelight so far and to throw in their opinions makes it seem like their opinions hold weight that they really don’t right now. If you expanded on their roles in the earlier chapters then this wouldn’t be so out of place, but really all this chapter needs is the information that surrounds Jack. Jack and Dashi, and perhaps Jack learning that Raimundo will be paralyzed, if you want the other monks in there, have Jack observing them, have them use dialogue rather than delving into their individual thoughts, because their individual thoughts, except possibly Omi’s (foreshadowing another fall to the dark side?) don’t really matter here. If they do matter, you have to expand their roles, in this chapter and probably in the earlier chapters.
I really don’t like giving criticisms that say ‘rewrite the whole thing’ but right now that’s what I’d suggest. Hopefully you’ll respect that I’m saying it straight out and not just leaving it unsaid to boil within the critique until you get mad enough to rewrite it anyway.
You clearly have a lot of strength in the storyline that’s fallen to distractions, you need to focus, figure out what needs to be communicated when and leave out what doesn’t need to be said until it becomes significant.
If you’re trying to foreshadow something with a character you have to slip it in quietly, and the best thing for that is either to hide it completely or to hide it within a mass. The fact that your mentions of Omi seem to allude to his dark side are not hiding, either cut them down to a strange glance, an awkward pause, or expand Omi’s role in order to cover them with positives. I thought Omi would be the most readily accepting of Jack, and if Jack was willing it would be an easy friendship to build, and a strong branch to expand on the other facets of your story.
| Katra21 chapter 4 . 7/2/2011
I actually had to sit on this review for a while in order to be able to word it correctly. Why? Because this chapter saddens me, and not in the “oh your writing is so beautiful” sense. You seem to have lost your framework for this chapter. Sometimes it happens when there’s middle ground information in getting from point A to point B, but this seems like this SHOULD be an intense chapter. I shouldn’t be feeling so blasé about Dashi showing up, or about Raimundo getting injured. Unfortunately it seems that I am.
What I think has happened is that you’re trying to draw an emotional reaction from something that wasn’t very significant in the show. It feels like this chapter focuses on the relationship between Rai and Jack, but aside from a few brief mentions of Raimundo sticking his neck out for Jack there really isn’t anything established about that being contrary to their previous interactions or risky for Raimundo in a way. Maybe you saw them as particularly butting heads in the show, but that’s not something I ever noticed.
In order for there to be an impact in someone’s actions those actions have to appear as something significant for that character. You’ve done nothing to indicate that Raimundo’s faith in Jack is anything significant for Rai or really even significant for Jack because we don’t get a strong sense of dislike between them, real or imaginary. Dashi’s appearance is also weakened by this, by the fact that you’ve brought up Raimundo’s support in an earlier chapter, and because Jack doesn’t seem to have much emotional reaction to what Dashi is telling him.
We get a little more emotional turmoil because of Raimundo being in danger, but right now Jack coming to the rescue feels like a debt from the first chapter rather than any realization on Jack’s part. Even that seems wrong because you mention that Jack thought they should have stepped in earlier. I don’t think that’s what you were trying to go for. This chapter is weak. And because your earlier framework, hasn’t had any meat to it any framework for this chapter crumbles completely.
| Katra21 chapter 3 . 6/30/2011
By this point it becomes almost painfully apparent that what’s really missing is Jack Spicer. Once again the readers are living off of the memory of the cartoon rather than your writing. And despite being the central focus of the story I barely know the new Jack Spicer.
Sometimes it’s a challenge to communicate character, especially when you’re not always writing from that character’s perspective. In such cases it becomes even more important to create for them the strongest impression possible. Every word he speaks and every motion he makes should scream something distinctly Jack Spicer. Right now I could rip a good chunk of this chapter, replace Jack’s name with Raimundo’s and it would be in character. That’s just wrong. I don’t want a second Raimundo. I want the new and hopefully improved Jack Spicer.
This chapter could really amplify the changes that have taken place in Jack. Wuya makes a lovely observer, and you could really use her perspective to create a very poignant before and after shot of Jack.
The best thing you could do for this chapter is probably to use the last two to their best potential. With an intense and focussed first chapter, and a relaxed and broad second chapter this third chapter strikes the ideal balance, moving from the broad and relaxed, back towards something more intense. It’s a great framework, something that many fanfictions are sadly lacking, it gives each chapter purpose and direction that makes the reader eager for more. I really hope you’re seeing this because if you can isolate the framework than you can magnify the effect that it has.
I just noticed the time, nearly one in the morning for my time zone, so I will return to review more after a good night’s rest.
| Katra21 chapter 2 . 6/30/2011
Oh the dialogue traps, I hate dialogue traps. Dialogue traps happen to be my own biggest foible. This chapter is a lot of dialogue and much less description than chapter one. Not a bad thing, and this is a great place to expound upon the history that ties this group to each other but it hasn’t been used to its full potential. Mostly this chapter repeats the problems of the first. We get hints of the cartoon history, but they’re not really explained. In some cases you could get away with this, making something an inside joke, but it should still read seamlessly with the situation you’re currently establishing.
Right now my attachments and interpretations are almost entirely drawn from the cartoon. That is not a safe place for a writer. I want to be attached to your writing, your interpretations. Whether you’re boiling a character down to their essence to portray in a flash or you’re weaving together the subtleties of interaction you should really grab hold and own the characters. Even though you don’t own Xiaolin Showdown, when you’re writing your own works you’ll have to, and your eyes will be the only ones that your readers will have.
As is this chapter feels very thin. Because you’re going from the heart pounding excitement of the first chapter into this moment of stillness you can’t let the writing get watered down. Use that quiet contemplation. This second chapter could really balance out the first, and give the story a lot of scope with just a little added detail. While in the first chapter I just want to see the intensity of that moment, in this second chapter I want to the world, while unravelling the change in Jack that was a delightful undercurrent of mystery.
Onward I go!
| Katra21 chapter 1 . 6/30/2011
You want critiques, huh? I’ll write you a doozy. I know how hard it is to get really critical reviews on this site.
There’s a lot of information that you try to communicate even in just the first few paragraphs. It actually gets a little hectic. A brief mention of Hannibal and Wuya, a quick throw to Raimundo’s and Omi’s temporary sides with evil, and I sort of have to ask, are these honourable mentions necessary?
This is an exciting, action packed opening, but I feel like it’s bogged down with side notes that aren’t really doing anything. I don’t know yet if any of these are foreshadowing, I feel like the mentions of Omi and Chase’s situation is. If that is the foreshadowing, then it may be a little too obvious unless you’re doing something with it in the next couple chapters this might be something to play a little closer to the chest.
At the same time the descriptions seem a little sparse. It’s important not to make too many assumptions about your audience. These are mentions that only make sense from a sequel standpoint, and for writing novels you can never be sure if a new reader is starting on a later book. And while Raimundo and Omi get history lessons, Clay and Kimiko have not even been named.
Perhaps in this case the best idea is to cover history when it’s important to the story and give character introductions at least a sentence each. Although it’s easy with fanfiction to forgo character of object descriptions it’s a habit that might come back to bite you in the butt.
I’d like to see more descriptions that really immerse me in this chronologically brief moment. There's a lot of intensity in this chapter that isn't really that accessible in the writing. I want to be screaming for more and sighing with relief for a breather when I get to the part with Wuya, but my commitment to this world and this moment is almost completely reliant upon my attachment to the cartoon.
I can see the potential, in the plot and in and in your writing skills. I'll be reading and reviewing the next chapter immediately.
| ELunamoon chapter 7 . 6/22/2011
Haha I had to reread this story to remember what was going on (: I'm still here; if you need any reassurance about if you have any active watchers. Nice chapter; can't wait for more training and action! Hope your next update is..sooner? Maybe not four years this time xD
| Crowley4004 chapter 6 . 5/5/2010
hey, have you quit this story? Because I just read it, and it's really good! I think you kept Jack rather well in character for the situation he was in, though he's gotten awfully brave. -
Also, poor Rai! I hope he proves the monks wrong eventually and walks again...
| YinYangWhiteTiger chapter 1 . 6/11/2007
| avi17 chapter 6 . 2/24/2007
Oh wow, I'm really loving where this is going. I've always loved realistic portrayals like this, where the hero isn't invincible and strong, and wounds don't always heal like you wish they would. Very good characterizations, especially of Jack, and nice, readable writing style. And of course, I love the past-flashbacks and hope very much that they continue. ('Course, being...me...I love anything with the 1500-years-ago era in it. XD)
Very good so far, and I'm looking forward to an update!