|Reviews for Chained|
| Anne Camp aka Obi-quiet chapter 8 . 9/15/2007
1.) I realize that the plot is dragging in some places. Without losing suspense or large amounts of detail, how can I create a steady stream of action?
Well, that's just it. In this kind of a story, suspense and action are not necessarily connected. It's bound to drag in a few places, and this is more of an "insight" thing than not. Don't worry about the slight drag. Just try to keep the dragging at bay and you'll be fine.
2.) Is there anything that seems to be missing?
Not particularly, although I'm a little surprised that the outside world could still get to the generator to shut it down...but *shrug* Yeah.
3.) How can I improve the transition between Jazz's scene and Danny's?
Not too much. The transition is fine imo.
4.) Any advice you'd be willing to pass along for a struggling author:)
Chocolate doesn't fix anything, but it sure makes everything better. ;)
5.) What are my writing weaknesses?
Probably your tendency to second guess yourself with all of this. I appreciate that you want feedback, but it seems to me like you don't have a lot of confidence.
6.) Are there any people you feel should be included in the story? Or do you feel that I have too many people interacting as it is?
What about Valerie's Father? How is he taking this? How about the random person in the audience, third guy from the left in the second to last row...or in other words, what does your average Joe think about the situation?
7.) Random question time! Yay! Okay, if you could hear Danny singing, how do you think he would sound:) Sorry, I'm just curious to know what everyone else thinks...I'm bored now..
Uh...I prefer not to think about that...*paranoid*
| DreamaDove93 chapter 8 . 9/15/2007
OH. MY. GOD. O.O wow that was a very good chapter, suspencive too, you GOTTa upldate this again D: its soo Please survive!
| FunkyFish1991 chapter 8 . 9/15/2007
1) you gotta make sure you make not too much of a big deal out of smaller things, and a huge deal out of bigger things. by doing that you automatically create moments of tension and the contrasts needed to keep the storyline interesting. i think you're doing fine, though - don't worry! and the tuck/sam/jazz bit was awesome! i was wondering what had happened to those three _
2) romance _ but i'm pretty sure that'll be coming later...
3) you could have gotten the trio all the way to the building danny and val are in, then done a 'staring up at building' 'just inside the wall danny..' thing...you see what i mean?
4) advice...not really...but i can beta...or help you or whatever if you want!
5) ...oo i thought of some advice! what i do to create more tension is going down onto a new line whenever possible. for speech, you should almost always go down a line - but when you're trying to create tension, the more paragraphs there are, the faster you force the reader to read, increasing the speed/pace of the scene. you can also go down for little comments...any and all new actions...literally, whenever you can get away with it (within reason obviously)! the reason i don't usually give authors this advice is because it's easy to overdo, but i think you're an awesome enough author to pull it off!
6) i think for this story you have just the right amount of people in it. it isn't cluttered, but there are enough people to keep it interesting.
7) um O_o maybe like the dude from The Click Five...only a little older? listen to 'catch your wave' or 'just the girl'...but like i said, just a little manlier than that.
god this review is almost as long as the chapter! _ hope i spewed something useful...
update soon! and like i said - if you need a beta or any writing advice or whatever i'd love to help!
| The Emerald Shapeshifter chapter 8 . 9/15/2007
You did a perfect job. Please, keep up the good work!
| Aquawyrm chapter 8 . 9/15/2007
Wow, this is really good. What about Danny's parents? Don't you think Jack and Maddie would have been searching for their son ever since he vanished? I don't think they know the truth; if they did, they'd be right there trying to get Phantom out along with their daughter.
I find it likely that Jazz will arive just in time for Danny to collapse with Valerie outside of the burning building. Or maybe he'll land infront of the GIW?
| xheartkreuzx chapter 8 . 9/15/2007
i lovee it!
| amlz127 chapter 8 . 9/15/2007
Danny don't die! NO.. Love the chapter, it was really good. Update soon please!
| purrbaby101 chapter 8 . 9/15/2007
Oh my god. Beautifully written. I've read this fic up until this point various times and am always impressed. This chapter was no exception. Amazing work. As for your questions, I'll help with what I can. So... I would like to see more backstory on what happened with the others, such as Maddie, Jack, and Vlad (the three characters I would like to see appear sometime and give their view on Danny's condition). As for the transition, possibly have a sentence that connects both scenes, with Jazz and co. leaving and then at the CGIA... no clue how you would do that though. Nor can I help in the plot advancement department. Yeah, I'm not very helpful, am I? :P As for Danny's singing voice... baritone and very quiet, with power underneath that comes out on strong notes. :) Again, wonderful work.
| Lupus Animi chapter 8 . 9/15/2007
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT YOU PLANK! NOW PULL YOUR FINGER OUT AND UPDATE ON TIME!
| Kyasarin-Maarukeehii1 chapter 8 . 9/14/2007
O_O Oh my gosh...YAY TUCKER AND DANNY! *dances* That was an amazing chapter! I'm much too tired to answer all the questions, but I will answer the random one! I believe that Danny would sound neither bad nor amazingly good. Maybe just your average guy, a little off key at times and with a crack when he gets too high, but not bad. Just...not wonderful and marvelous either ;
Update again soon, your story is amazing!
| Amber-Phantom chapter 8 . 9/14/2007
I;m in love with this story its so awsome!
| FantomoDrako chapter 8 . 9/14/2007
Much better! Just the sort of thing I was waiting for! *Is much happier now* Anyways...onto your new questions!
1) I think you've gotten past the worst part of dragging behind you now. :) Just try to make sure not to play out the same scene for 3 or so chapters...
2) Missing? Hmm...not that I can see...
3) Just make sure the events coincide. Which you did! Great job!
4) I'm struggling myself, but... Never let a lack of anything get you down! Don't force yourself to write, you never get the same results.
5) I dunno, depends on what YOU think they are.
6) You have the main ones...except Vlad, Jack and Maddie. they would make it more interesting with Val and Phantom's new insight.
7) Hahaha! Odd question...but I'll answer anyway. I think he would sound pretty good. Like any untrained singer, but still good. Coz he has a cool voice. :) Go David Kaufman!
Thanks? You are very welcome! Thanks for writing it for us to read!
| VioletWho chapter 8 . 9/14/2007
awesome! dont forget about the ring.. and i think you should Dani in there
| Viskii chapter 8 . 9/14/2007
I don't know what to say, it's all brilliant!
1. Update faster? :P It was worth a shot! No, I think it's okay, it has been a bit slow, but from here on I expect things will proceed more quickly?
6. I would like to know where Danny's parents stand on the Phantom issue? You might have addressed that already, it's been a while since I read the first few chapters.
7. Not as bad as Tuck, sort of pleasant to listen to, but no way he's gonna win American Idol.
I'm still really enjoying the originality of the plot. I've been waiting for this particular bit for a while, and I can't wait to find out what happens next. Does Valerie fight public opinion for Phantom, etc.
| Dark knightress chapter 8 . 9/14/2007
Hey, you didnt kill them. You know what would be funny? If the next chapter started like this:
Valerie woke with a start. Her face was sweat streaked and her body was throbbing with phantom pains. She calmed her heaving chest and felt the cool night air gently fly against her face.
She looked up and saww the TV blaring some black and white monster flick and the shadows dancing all around her black living room.
"Whoa." she thought. "No more Spaghetti after 11."
And then maybe she could learn a lesson about something and stop chasing after Phantom.
Anyways, a positive answer to all your questions and Danny would sound like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.