|Reviews for Chained|
| JenniferRSong chapter 6 . 6/15/2007
So sorry I couldn't review the last chapter. Our computer's been acting wonky and *now* it behaves. At 1 in the morning. Urgh. Okay Q&A:
1. Yes and wouldn't be a bad idea.
2. Yes, very much.
3. Only a little. Is Phantom in a tube or just laying around?
4. No, very good.
5. Very realistic. Always needs tweaking. Maybe more Danny.
6. No, not really. Wondered when we'd get to the 'Wes' ring.
7. Still interesting or I wouldn't R&R.
8. No, I think you've kept everybody in suspense. Will they get out, will they die in there, only you know.
These apply to both chapters by the way. Keep up the good work.
| deadzonedragon chapter 6 . 6/15/2007
I love this story. It's so well written. It make my heartstrings tear. And I'm a sadist when it comes to torturing for Danneh.
1.) You sentence flow is very good, there are no suggestions I could make that could improve the way you write.
2.) The characters will never cease to be interesting. And they are most definitely building the plot. Without them where they are, it wouldn't be going anywhere.
3.) No, you flow of thoughts and feelings are very clear and easy to understand. I like the way you can do a point of view that expresses both characters thoughts but still be flowing and smooth. Good work.
4.) No, as I just said, the flow is excellent, and I find it really interesting to read because it is so easy to see who is speaking and thinking. It's exceedingly good.
5.) The thoughts are some of the best parts. I love the way you express Valerie's confusion when it comes to her own position in Danny's capture, which is changing underneath her own feet. Very good job.
6.) The only thing I want to see is what she really thinks about 'Phantom' now that the wall has fallen. I want to know if she pities him, or still hates him. Or does she want to hate him and actually find herself relating to him and wanting to help him?
7.)N. O. NO. This is one of the stories I sit on the edge of my seat for weeks and weeks waiting for. There is no way in he\\ it is a disappointment. It's one of the best stories out there if you ask me.
8.) -.-' you've got to be joking. I have no idea what's going to happen next. That's why I keep coming back. I love that you keep us guessing. Otherwise I wouldn't be reviewing.
My opinion is that you have an excellent story going here, and you shouldn't listen to any flames or bad reviews. It is an excellent piece of work, and you should keep going.
-encouragement from Kazi (dzd)
| Manyara chapter 6 . 6/15/2007
I awnser yes to 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7
| Cordria chapter 6 . 6/15/2007
1) You have DEFINATELY been improving. There is always room for improvement, of course. I might suggest using a few longer paragraphs. *cough* There's using a set of one-sentence paragraphs for effect, and then there's writing a whole chapter that's chock full of one-sentence paragraphs. It starts to loose the effect you wanted to have, and becomes the 'norm' for the story. Then, when you start using longer paragraphs again, it makes the story feel heavier. Just something to think about.
2) Love the characters. You are doing a FANTASTIC Val. One of the best I have ever read. Keep up the good work here. :D
3) The story itself is really well plotted out. There are some things that got me confused, but I'll cover that later. I'm excited to find out what's going to happen next! My mind is all whirling, trying out different endings and climaxes, trying it decide if they should make it out alive, or if Val is going to find out about Danny, or if she's going to die and he's going to let her not feel guilty at the last minute, or... if she's going to find out about Sam and she tells him about Sam so he can die happy... *stops rambling* This is what my head has been doing to me. I LOVE STORIES THAT DO THAT! There are so few of them - that, in and of itself, is the hightest compliment from me. I have read many BOOKS - published, actual books - that can't make my mind spin at the end of a chapter like you can. Good.
4) Here's where the confusion comes in. I understand the desire to let us know what both Danny and Val are thinking, but there doesn't seem to be a place where it changes. We're following Val's thoughts... then all the sudden we get an extraneous thought where - after some rereading - we find out was actually Danny's. You are doing a good job actually conveying the characters to us, now you need to do a little work on the transitions between them. You might want to try line breaks - that will let US know, as the readers, that we're looking at the scene from a new perspective. There is nothing wrong with line breaks as long as you don't use a zillion of them. If you don't want to use line breaks, try and find a way to make SURE that we know who is talking/thinking. But I'd recommend not swirling from one to the other without some kind of break in the story. We, as readers, are expecting that kind of cue for us to know a new person is talking. *grins* You might want to go for slightly MORE choppy.
5) Love the thoughts! You are making Val's slow shift from 'ultimate evil' to 'something not so evil' seem very realistic and it flows very well. Like I said, this is one of the best Val stories I have read. I'm not too sure about improvements - I can't channel Val at all. :) I'd say keep working with it and the practice will make you better.
6) The relationship is very nice. Danny, trapped in a containment thing, and Val on the outside. So is he going to have to watch her die? *shiver* He's got some kind of filter on his cell, so he'd be safe from the smoke for a little longer, right? I can't think of anything that's missing. I want to know more about this ring though... is Valerie going to ask more about it?
7) The story has DEFINATELY maintained my interest - as evidenced by the fact that I'm writing you this REALLY long review and my fingers are starting to hurt and I really should stop... but I'd KILL for a really comprehensive review on one of my stories so I figure if I keep writing this kind of reviews, sooner or later someone will reciprocate. (THAT'S a run-on sentence if I ever saw one) I can see where your question is coming from, though, and the whole that you can easily fall in to. I'd suggest keeping the plot moving forwards and getting something new to happen. This, I'm sure, is something that is coming based on that last bit. They don't want to die. SOMETHING has to happen... they're going to start plotting their escape or something. O.o Betcha Valerie gets the generator turned off so Phantom can escape... OOH! What if Valerie has to die to save Phantom, so he can get the girl and give her the ring. Aw... but it'd be much more bittersweet if Valerie gets saved at the last minute by Phantom, and then - after he gets the girl, of course - he tells her the truth about who she saved. *sigh*
(You see? My mind is STILL whirling about your story. *grins* I love this.)
8) Obviously, the plot has NOT become predictable - thus the half-dozen different plot endings that have crept into this exceedingly long review. If it were predictable, I'd've only had a few. :D But then again, I've got an imagination that runs away from me at times. The only thing predictable about it is the fact that they are trapped in a a room... slowly burning to death. All I can ask is that they either escape soon or burn soon. There's only so much 'the fire crept closer' I can believe before I begin to wonder how big the room is. O.o Fires do burn kinda fast.
Now. I'm going to rest my fingers... Sorry I wrote you a review that takes up two pages in Word. *snicker* But you deserve it for writing such a nice story, and you asked for the review so politely I couldn't turn it down. 'Specially with the lack of other interesting stuff to read.
Thanks for writing, and I can't WAIT for the next update.
| Writer's-BlockDP chapter 6 . 6/15/2007
Yippie, an update! *runs around in circles screaming with glee*
*glances up* You weren't watching that, were you?
1.) You're fine
2.) Yep and yep again
3.) Nope, can't say I've noticed anything
5.) Realistic, especially compared with many of the fics I've been reading lately...
6.) I think you're doing a very realistic job of expressing what they would be doing in this situation
7.) Read my first two lines again
8.) Danny and Valerie trapped in a fire, with some people outside scared for them and some unaware of what's going on. Yeah, it's interesting and not at all like anything I've ever read on this site before, so I wouldn't say it's predictable at all. Especially in your timing and what is going on outside.
So, yeah. Still loving it! Keep up the good stuff, and don't change a thing!
| Invader Johnny chapter 6 . 6/15/2007
Ys know there is actually a little bit of irony here I mean Valerie unintentionally getting Sam and Danny separated is really really REALLY something I just can't believe happened.
And CGIA SHOULD pay, I mean hurting Danny just for the hell of it, it's just something that deserves retrubution, don't ya think?
Invader Johnny Signing Off.
| Me-agaisnt-the-world chapter 6 . 6/15/2007
Well... Lightning Streak... 1 thing to say... This is one fadtabulous story. I love the raw emotion that you give off and the intensity of Danny's memories. You say a little, but each word has a deeper meaning. I don't know if this is intenstional(sp?) or not but either way it's well done.
To answer some of your questins, my interest was peaked when I saw the word count and read yoru summary. I thought I would check it out and you kept me interested from the beginning. Everytime you mention Danny's tortured state it sends shivers down my spine. To me... I think the plot is goign one way, but from the level of writing that you're writing at makes me wonder if there's a plot twist coming. Most of your characters seem IC, my main concern seems to be Sam and Tucker. They seem distant and I would say they're a bit OC. But that's just me. I loved the dog seen with Jazz... and I can picture her naming her dog a name like that... after the crate creep incident.
Anyways, this is automatically going to my fav, story alert and adding to my C2. Hope you update soon.
| NNF chapter 6 . 6/15/2007
I love this story, it is a great highlight to my day. :D And this chapter is the best one yet. The angst is YUMMY. Totally delicious.
There is only one thing that bugs me, though it doesn't detract from the story. I just notice 'cause I'm anal. I have no problem with the fire going through the wooden parts of the chamber, and the burning paint gives it a realistic touch. However, most fireproof materials consist of metal, stone, and even some types of fabric (I work in a theatre; one of our primary concerns is fire safety). So the first problem is having the fire get into the chamber- the door is steel, and if it is as top-notch as it sounds, it would also be (if not airtight) at least sealtight; and I'm assuming that they wouldn't cut corners and make the walls wooden, but instead stone or steel. Thus, the fire technically shouldn't be able to get in...
So let's ignore that and assume Val left the door open a crack or something (read: too lazy to go back and check the chapter). Then we have the problem of the chamber also being made of either stone or steel (discounting wooden furniture and paint) we would have the problem of it running out of fuel (if the place ain't sealtight [ie, the fire got in in the first place] then it wouldn't run out of oxygen).
However, even if the fire never did end up reaching them, they'd still be in major danger of sufficating or all the problems that come from major smoke inhalation (ie, if they got air from air vents or something, the fire shouldn't be able to go through, but the smoke sure as hell will).
Sorry, I didn't really mean to pick that apart, it just bugged me a bit (did I miss a descriptive sentence somewhere saying that there was carpet or wooden floors or something? :( ) wondering if I missed something...
But in any case, it doesn't bug me too much, and the awesomeness of the story makes up for it! Hell, the angst seeping out from those two is enough to fuel that fire (lurve angst...)! Mm-Mm-good. :) It's a great story, no spelling or grammar errors that I caught (that's high praise right there) and the layout of Val discovering more angst and her mixed feelings about everything is very nicely done.
Thanks for sharing your writing talents with the pit-dwellers in this abyss of cra- I mean, FFnet. I look forward to your next update!
| Violet712 chapter 6 . 6/15/2007
| Plushiemon chapter 6 . 6/15/2007
Well, I'm not very good with criticism and, frankly, I don't think I'm worthy to give it to one with such great writing talent. But I will give you my opinion! 8D
1. I think you're doing very well with sentence structure. It's easy to understand and flows smoothly with little or no confusion.
2. Most definitely!
3. Umm.. Not that I can think of.
5. They seem pretty darn realistic. Just... whenever writing their thoughts, keep imagining yourself in their position. What thoughts would hit you? Then choose the best or alter the closest response that would fit the character's personality.
6. No, you're doing an excellent job in their relationship. Keeping Valerie to argue with herself in favor of their past rivalry, yet also give her human emotions voice-excellent balance. Flawless.
7. What kind of question is that? XD Still highly interesting to me! Actually... It's gained interest.
8. I don't think so. Then again... I'm kinda dumb, so yeah. I think it's great so far.
Excellent chapter! As always, I await your next update most anxiously!
| FunkyFish1991 chapter 6 . 6/15/2007
1) yes, i think so. each chapter seems smoother than the last
2) yes, i think so again. valerie's reaction to Danny's revealation is perfect
3) not that i noticed
4) nope. not at all
5) no, i don't think so. they seem in character to me _
6) nope. hate. distrust. regret. it's all there. i also like the pity you've introduced. besides i think any real dynamics that appear in the show would not be here, when they're both depressed and knowing they're about to die
7) i really love the danny&val chapters. i really liked the sam&tucker one. i wasn't incredibly fond of the jazz one, but i know that it was necessary and that there wasn't much else you could have done with it - so it was fine in its own right
8) eh, no, but i'm a bit clueless ; even if it was your writing is good enough to keep people interested :p
update soon! i really loved this chapter
| ravenousdarkness chapter 5 . 6/7/2007
Good story plz continue updating
| Violet712 chapter 5 . 6/6/2007
i know this is probaly WAY out of date but please continue. i think the story is just getting to the best part!
P.S. i hope danny survives(sp?)also can Dani help
| Chaos Dragon chapter 5 . 6/5/2007
you are evil. i'm at work so i can't give you an in depth review, but it seemed great to me. a little stiff at parts, but nothing that more writing won't help. but yeah. evil.
| Manyara chapter 5 . 6/4/2007
OMG! You have got to update this as soon as possible it was wonderfull some of the earlier chspters made me cry. Seriously you've touched me.