|Reviews for Beaten and broken|
| Sarimia chapter 1 . 7/7/2007
Don't tag it as a complete story when there was no conclusion! I think you should write another chapter! Maybe with Nolan figuring things out; like how often Lucent was beaten, maybe he could do some sort of computer search. Just don't drop it like this!
| not done baking chapter 1 . 2/14/2007
Once again, fiction press . com or writers cafe . org is where this kind of stuff should go.
| Jacob chapter 1 . 12/27/2006
Very good. As for the male mind set, I don't think a guy would use the term "super" to describe anything other than Superman. Instead you might try: (Super dark wood lined the floors)The floors were created of a rich mahogany wood. Or something to that effect. I know you probably grew up on Disney movies, but I find it hard to believe that a serious pianist would choose a Disney song to play. You may want to change it to something more classical. The only other problem I see is the conflicting description of Nolan. You described him as scholarly, yet then describe him with hair covering his eyes. Leave out the hair blocking the eyes and just focus on the intense gaze of his hazel eyes. I don't think a scholar would have hair in his eyes. But, I think you captured the self doubt and nervousness of a teenage boy. I know I was thinking along those lines when I was in high school. Well writen, you kept the word flow well and everything went smoothly.
| Asquared91 chapter 1 . 12/23/2006
That was really really good. :)
I love the character names in here. Lucent is such a cool name and so is Tansy. I also love the name Nolan.
| SweetDreams16 chapter 1 . 12/20/2006
Hehe, loved it! Keep up the awesome work Marie!
| Michael Smith chapter 1 . 12/19/2006
Obviously, I'm going to thank you for the present, just because it was written for me. Of course, I have some things to say, because this a review and all. I like to write reviews, and I feel this story needs one. (THANK YOU!)
First off? This is wonderfully written. I can place myself in the character's shoes a lot of the time. You're style is very detailed, and though I've never been good at detail myself... I respect your writing-style, and will tell you to keep using it. Your flow is very good, but there's just one area that I have trouble with, and that's slightly towards the middle and the end. The biggest critique would be that it moves very quickly. Too quickly, in fact, I started to lose the story, and as a writer you don't want that to happen. You were very rushed, it seems. AND: I can't picture myself, or anyone... Sneaking up behind someone they've JUST met who has just given them clothes and some warmth... And tickling them. Don't see it. Placing myself in the chick's shoes, or the brother's position... I'd be horrified at this stranger. VERY. I'd probably pull out a gun and threaten the guy's life if I was the older brother. I trust Athens and Marissa with my life and their judges of character, but NEVER would I allow either of them to suddenly be hanging all over this guy they've only known for a few hours. I couldn't do it.
My suggestion to you... Is to think the last part over, and keep the same elements, but to maybe give it another shot. (No rushing!) Try REALLY placing yourself in ALL of the characters' shoes, and then see why this would be an issue. (In real life, of course... Because, a-hem. We all wish that we could run away from abusive fathers and suddenly get a really hot ballerina-chick to pick you up from the snow and fall in love with you. I know that things would be a lot better for me, if that had happened. But NO. I get stuck with my interesting best friend and his younger brother. Both of whom where underwear on their heads on occasion.[Mostly when playing video games, I think.])
Otherwise... Thank you, thank you, thank you. That was a great Christmas present. I'll have to write something for you in return. Probably a poem... But still. Thanks. It means so much, that you'll never know. It's pretty awesome. I'm thinking I'll be seeing someone with almost my same initials and my last name in national newspapers for having a best-seller, eh? Keep at it, Little Sister. You can only go uphill from here.
| Bright Green Eyes chapter 1 . 12/19/2006
That was interesint, your an amazing writer.