|Reviews for Fate's Game|
| Altum chapter 2 . 10/15/2007
This has changed a little bit from when I read over it before, but your style has remained the same. Something about your writing in this story has just caught me off-guard, though, and I'm not sure what it is. The juxtaposition between the two styles in here leads to a kinda distracted feeling for me, unlike your Warcraft I prologue which flowed with a consistent and well-crafted sense of detail.
It's hard to really criticize one's style, however. It's just really strange and challenging to get used to how some details are described with quick, fragmented perceptions while other parts seem to flow elongated, as in some character's actions later on. Both work well individually, but when bouncing between them, the audience might feel a little intimidated.
Still, it's not bad at all, and it's probably a minor disagreement on style. If you can work further on uniting the two styles into one cohesive formula, I think I'd really love it. At some times it feels poetic, at other parts I need to take a step back and think "Alright, transition into other style," which makes it a little hard to follow.
Not necessarily a "flame" or anything, but it seems your trying to find your own little style with this story, and I'm hoping I can give you a little insight into what seems to be working and what doesn't from a reader's perspective.
Others might love it, though, and I might not represent the majority here.
| Altum chapter 1 . 10/5/2007
[A storm was coming, he knew, was already upon him.]
A little awkward. Maybe get rid of the "was coming" part. That was the only thing I noticed that felt pretty off while I read.
The fragmented descriptions are kinda weird to me, but that's a stylistic thing, and once I get used to them they make more sense, so don't take that as a necessarily negative thing. The battle was pretty detailed, and you kept the scene fresh by incorporating senses and images of the environment.
Keep up the good work.
| Chrissy Almasy chapter 4 . 7/14/2007
Impressive! The first novelisation I've come across that is indeep indepth and well-written, too. I hope you can keep up the updates, it's definitely worth it!
| Dragoon Swordsman chapter 4 . 7/14/2007
Well, that was...unique. It never occurred to me that the Fire Cavern might collapse without Ifrit to hold things together. No matter; good chapter, and good to see you haven't abandoned this.
| fishuu chapter 2 . 7/3/2007
yeah, you know how bored i am? i'm so bored i'm reading other people's reviews ... _
...hope you know who i am. if not, i occasionally like to poke you lots :P
| fishuu chapter 3 . 7/3/2007
so i'm in shanghai and super bored and found your old version of this chapter in my documents in gmail so i started reading it and ended up here XDD
and HEY, i just realized i now understand your author's name! :) and you're about as wordy as that book's author sometimes XD
ok i have no clue what i'm supposed to be doing now ... my supervisor just left so uh yeah, i'll go back to reading your fic
do you ever get online? gebus.
| A Bee Cee chapter 3 . 6/7/2007
I'm not familiarized with Final Fantasy at all, I know little about the story and the characters, mostly only stuff that my brother told me overally when he dragged me to watch the Advent Children movie with him. So I can say nothing about characters being in character or about the plot itself.
However, what caught my attention (and that's why I'm reviewing) is that even though I didn't play the game nor I am interested in this kind of game, your story held my attention from the summary to where it stopped. That's a good writing quality, at least to me, in fanfiction. I didn't have to know the fandom to actually read it and I could understand most of it without any problem at all. So congratulations! I really liked it. :)
One thing, though: You tend to be a little wordy sometimes. Your writing is simple (which is absolutely good, I love simple writing, makes the reading much smoother), but sometimes you slide into the wordy side. It's not exactly bad, it shows you have a good vocabulary, but sometimes it can become boring. What did not happen yet (not with me), so if you keep it balanced that way, I think you're good. :)
Anyway, very nice fic, I don't like the fandom, but I'm favoriting it anyway. :) Good job!
| VinCon01 chapter 3 . 6/3/2007
I'm not too good at the long, drawn out reviews, so I'll leave it at this: I think your story is excellent. It's probably one of my favorite (If not the favorite) novelizations of any Final Fantasy game that I've seen so far.
First off, the descriptions are great. I feel like I'd be able to picture the characters (And their personalities) and locations almost perfectly even if I hadn't played the game beforehand.
Second, the characters (so far) are completely in character. I was even impressed with Raijin's little "Yo Squall". Maybe I haven't read enough, but from what I've seen people usually ignore that Seifer and Co. were actually on pretty good terms during their time in Garden, excluding Seifer and Squall's little rivalry.
Finally, I like some of the smaller segments that weren't in the game, such as that little moment in the cafeteria. I'm also impressed with how you managed to implement the "scan" feature into the storyline without any problems. A lot of times, it seems to be pretty hard to fit certain gameplay elements into the story without it sounding too strange.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I'm assuming we'll get to see Squall throw down with a certain fiery Guardian (I'm especially looking forward to that, given how much I enjoyed your fight scene in the first chapter).
| ReviewsGalore chapter 3 . 5/10/2007
Story: 8.75/10. This category is hard to judge in novelizations, but I think the real test is that I felt this story added something new in terms of character development and description to the one I know from canon while still fitting in with the story in the game. My one complaint is that you go into events which in the game are about getting you from point A to point B or about combat, but which are very unimportant to story and come off as not needed in this story.
Characters: 9.5/10. Great characterization of all the characters and Squall, in particular. There is never a point where I thought "this character wouldn't say this" which is pretty amazing.
Creativity: 9/10. You are really good at thinking of little details to include in the fic that fit into the story.
Writing: 8.75/10. If anything, I would say that your writing is a little too detailed, too descriptive at times, especially in the first chapter. Mostly, though your descriptions are beautiful. I could really picture the opening sequence of the game despite not having played it for years when you described it. I also like little sensory details you add - about how things smell or feel. I think that the parts with thoughts in italics can be a little jarring and maybe you should find a better way of integrating them.
Believability: 9.25/10. It is rather hard to have an opportunity to be unbelievable in a novelization and I've already stated that your characterizations are very believable.
Overall: 9/10. Novelizations can be very hard to make interesting, but you do it wonderfully. Somehow, you manage to convince me that I am receiving all this information for the first time. Sometimes, I feel like you need to gloss over the parts that aren't too important to the story, but other than that, great job.
| JayRain chapter 3 . 4/23/2007
I will be honest: I've never played any of the Final Fantasy games before. I once read the wiki article on FFVII alone, which took longer to read than your story! Okay, perhaps that's exaggerating a bit. Basically, I'm not very familiar with the storylines of the Final Fantasy worlds and characters, which I think puts me at a different advantage, because I can read your story as a story, rather than a fanfiction.
First off, you excel in description. Your descriptions are complete, and your use of imagery is above par. You appeal to all of the senses, not just sight. Several times throughout the prologue and the two chapters I could appreciate your use of auditory and olfactory imagery. Your characterization is quite good as well. I know very little about the characters as they are in the games, but the way you describe them is clear and multifaceted in this work. You utilize all methods of characterization, which makes your main characters visible in many ways and from many angles. Perhaps my favorite characterizing scene in the entire piece was Jacob Romin Scanning Squall. It showed both Jacob's and Squall's characters on a few different levels.
On the note about characterization, I will say I found your use of characterization a little confusing in the prologue (sorry, I'm just putting everything into one big review). The way you flipped between Seifer and Squall, referring to them by hair color, started out effectively, but I feel like it grew repetitive as the prologue went on. Your fight descriptions were excellent, and the setting was well-crafted, but the way you described the two young men took away from it some. If there was any way you could add variety to those, it might help a bit more. As I'm not a FF person, I'll ask in advance you forgive me if this sounds ignorant: what would be lost if you introduced them by name, or used their names at some point, in the prologue? Even if it was just in dialogue, I think it could clear up some of the confusion or take away from some of the repetition.
Really, that's my only major criticism. On its merits as a story, I rather like this. The setting is vivid, the characters are lively, and your perspective shifts, while obvious due to the way you break them up, are not awkward. They're well done, and many authors could learn a thing or two on how to do that from reading this. The description appeals to all senses and the overall quality of the writing is high. Very nice work here.
| Dr. Noah Fairchild chapter 3 . 4/1/2007
Congratulations, you wonderful little author!
Your story has been selected for addition into the C2 archive “Polished and Shining”.
Listing in this archive not only determines your knack of storytelling and innate talent for the written craft, but may give you the recognition you deserve. Your hard work and determination has paid off, and your story is not only compelling, but shines as one of those rare gems that readers often search for in vain.
I humbly wish you the best of luck in all your future written endeavors.
We, the readers, thank you for this unexpected pleasure!
~Pretty Red Fire Hydrant
| Maiafay chapter 1 . 3/31/2007
I was debating on Pming you this...but decided to up your review count a notch. Apologies if you would have rather I sent this crit via PM.
First impressions of default chapter:
I’m a firm supporter of making this chapter your strongest in terms of interest, pull, and indication of style. This chapter should be proof-read and particularly free of typos and grammatical errors. I will be rather harsh with my opinion of the first chapter, and here is what I initially thought of yours:
Technical aspects: (since you asked for a complete critique, I’ll get really nitpicky. Apologies if I went a little nuts).
Grammar/Punctuation/Brevity/Wordiness: You have a tendency to weigh your prose down with big terms and adjectives. Remember this important rule of writing. Never use a big word when a small one will do. Now, you may use big words as often as you like…but know when to pull back and limit their usage. Sentence structure is fine as far as I can tell. You know when to use semi colons, commas, periods-however, watch the colon…it’s used to introduce a list…or a point. I saw at least one instance where it looked out of place:
“The blanket of clouds growled again, a warning: a light drizzle began falling from the sky;”
This sentence structure is very awkward.
Try this instead: “The blanket of clouds growled another warning and a light drizzle began falling from the sky;”
Also, when doing dialogue, make sure that if you’re continuing the sentence you don’t capitalize the next flow of speech.
“Rule number one: always be ready,” he said, “Your enemy’s not going to be pulling blows like me.”
The Y in “your” should be lower case. You did not end “he said” with a period (or it could be a typo…I just thought it bore mentioning).
Typos: None that I could really find. Nice work there. However, when a special item is mentioned such as “gunblade”, capitalize the G. Then the reader knows that this item is not some random weapon or general term. Think a car that has a name, or a character’s sword that has a title of "White Cherry Blossom". You capitalize to show importance.
“Like”: Try and replace the word "like" with ‘as’ or ‘as if‘ when comparing things. It won’t always be applicable…but most of the time it will.
Example: “-the storm had fully developed and the wind howled, its sound coming out like the distant baying of a wolf.” Instead of “like the distant”…say “as the distant.” It rolls off the tongue better.
“Forwards” and “upwards”: should be ‘forward’ and ‘upward‘, drop the “s”. Essentially, neither is ‘incorrect’ but it sounds better when you drop the plural. Think of it this way, how much more upward can you look, and how much more forward can you go really? This is why I hardly use the plural form.
Tenses: You do slip a bit here. I’ll show you where: "It was early in the morning, early enough so that it was still dim though licks of fire occasionally sprang up from unseen fissures, chasing away shadows and throwing jagged rocks into sharp relief."
In that sentence you use two different tenses and frankly, it’s a mess. Here is what I suggest:
“It was early in the morning, early enough so that it was still dim though the licks of fire occasionally springing from unseen fissures-and these flames chased away the shadows and threw jagged rocks into sharp relief.”
(I would have condensed and shuffled that around further...but I just wanted to correct the tense).
Split infinitives: To be’s are normally your enemy. While not terrible or really bad per se…they can weaken some sentences if not used properly. Take this again for an example:
“Rule number one: always be ready,” he said, “Your enemy’s not going to be pulling blows like me.”
Suggest this: “Rule number one: always be ready,” he said, “Your enemy won’t pull blows like me.”
Stronger sentence and gets the point across without meandering around. (Remember this with antagonists especially…they need to sound formidable and confidant. Too many words could damage their authority and make them appear wishy washy).
Adverbs/Adjectives: You get a little crazy with them in certain sentences. Take your opener line for example: “Thunder rumbled overhead, sending an almost-imperceptible vibration shivering through the oppressive atmosphere of the barren grey land.”
Try this instead: “Thunder rumbled overhead, sending a faint vibration through the heavy air, and shivered over the barren grey land. “ Again, small words do wonders…there is no need to get so clinical. Big words in moderation; otherwise they can weigh down your prose and can be confusing to the reader. Sometimes less description is more…but it takes practice to determine when to go all out and when to hold back.
Overall delivery and formatting: Pretty good actually, coherent and most of the time, easy to follow. I could see nothing glaring about the delivery aside from what I mentioned above. Everything flows well, and is a pleasant read.
Note: But I just want to add you can get a little repetitive when describing characters. In two sentences you described Squall’s hair as brown. And the ‘brown-haired’ attribute you applied as identification for Squall got grating to read after a while. I would suggest find another way of describing him in the later fight scene…but again, I think I’m being a little picky there.
Passive voice VS Active voice: Couldn’t find any instances…but some sentences could be shuffled around better. I did give above examples, and will reiterate the split infinitives (to go’s, to be’s, etc), as something to watch out for in future chapters or revisions.
Emotion: You handled that well, and nothing came across as stilted or phony. Squall felt frustration and anger within character, and likewise with Seifer. The fight was well done! I like how you took a scene from the game and fleshed it out. It was interesting to experience the battle in more detail, and imagine that it actually happened that way. Again, I say good job there.
Characters/Canon/OC’s: Again, you kept canon characters IC as far as I could tell. Nice work with that. I could definitely see Squall and Seifer duking it out in my head, and had no problems with the way you conveyed them.
Style: I think honestly it’s a bit muddy right now. I think you’re still testing things out, and trying to find your legs. In this stage, it’s good to find honest critique where you can get it, and I know it’s hard on sites such as this to find someone willing to say what needs saying. I just think it needs polishing, and you are almost there.
Showing VS Telling: Again, nothing that I could pick at here. You refrained from letting the words show emotion rather than showing the emotion through description. Example: (not from your writing) “He was tired and angry” which is ‘telling‘. Showing is this: He blinked his eyes slowly, his frown deepening as his mouth pressed into a thin, tight line. Readers would get the idea of anger and fatigue without the author telling us so.
I hope this helps you! See ya around the forum...
| Dragoon Swordsman chapter 3 . 2/24/2007
Boring? Far from it. You have the major players very much in character (I've played the game more times than I can count, so it's easy for me to tell) thus far. And trust me, I understand the importance of such chapters; you can't have all action all the time, after all. I especially liked the introduction of that Jacob Ronim fellow; I do hope he'll be more than just a bit player.
Good work overall. I'll be keeping an eye on this one.
| SJSilver chapter 3 . 2/24/2007
Good story so far. I like the way you describe Squall and his personality. He's cold and a loner because he's got some serious trust issues but still has a sense of formal politeness and a respect for authority. I like how you've got him as cold and lonely but not too cruel or mean though (like the game does!). Because in reality, and even in the story, nobody could stand to be around or work with someone that bad. It's just too unrealistic and impractical.
I always thought that respect was one of the biggest differences between Squall and Seifer. Seifer doesn't respect authority like Squall does, Siefer respects skill. So while Squall and Seifer don't like each other, they respect each other's skill. Also, Seifer is a trash talker, quick with comebacks and witty. He will use funny but insulting one-liners to anger oponents like Zell or Squall. Almasy is a hypocrite though, because he is way too overconfident with a short temper and cannot take being insulted or talked down to himself.
I'm looking forward to seeing how you have Squall and Rinoa interact and how thier relationship developes. I've always thought this was a key element in the game. It is my opinion that Squall wouldn't have been strong enough emotionaly or had enough confidence to overcome all of his challanges if it weren't for Rinoa being there to support him while slowly getting him to open up. So I'm gonna lean towards emphasizing thier connection and try to put a decent amount of time into thier dialog. I think the whole secret to it is having thier relationship develope at just the right pace, not too soon or too late. Atleast, thats what I'm aiming for in my story ;-)
Speaking of which, thanks again for your review. I really appreciated it. Please, if you can, read over a few other chapters and let me know what you think about how I've set aspects of the game up (use of magic, the GF's, description of Garden, etc.)
PS- I like the way the GF's talk. They sound all spooky and shit.
| Fraxinus chapter 3 . 2/22/2007
You updated! I was a little confused at the beginning, but then it all sank in after a few paragraphs. Also, the magc/GF system seems a lot more original than some i've seen on here. Good one! Offhand question here. Why did you mess around with Quez? Just a little curious. Nothing wrong with it.