|Reviews for A Sister's Love|
| KireiHana1997 chapter 1 . 9/28/2010
"Serenity didn't know where else to go so she went to Seto Kaiba. He was out on the terrace eating his breakfast when she started jumping up and down to get his attention and as she yelled his name till he finally acknowledged him.
Seto was eating my breakfast when he saw Serenity Wheeler and she was jumping up and down and yelling my name."
Why is this being repeated? Were you doing an RP? If so, you should really cut out the redundancy.
"he finally couldn't take her yelling any more and he asked her "what in the world is the matter with you?" He couldn't make out what she was saying so he called for Roland."
Missing capitalization twice here.
"Seto asked Roland to go and bring Serenity into the Manor so he could talk to her."
Why? Why doesn't he just send her away...or just go back inside?
""Help who?" Seto asked her"
Missing punctuation. Kaiba wouldn't care. This is very OOC.
"Seto yelled to Roland to get the car ready and then he called to Marie to keep Serenity in the Manor till I got back and then Roland and I took off and went to find out what was happening to Joey."
Kaiba would just call the police and have them deal with it, assuming he cared.
"When we got to where Serenity told me her brother was, he had already been raped by three guys and the fourth was getting ready to rape Joey, but a bullet in his head stopped him. The other men tried to get away, but between Roland and myself we got them to get on the ground and as Roland kept his gun pointed at them, I call the Police and an Ambulance to take Joey to the Hospital."
What is the "I", I am very confused as to who this person is. Is it Mokuba?
I am going to stop right here with the play by play and just give you an overall...
You missed lots of capitalization, cheesy dialogue, there is a first person voice that I don't know, some run on sentences, oddly phrased sentences, redundancy, and tons of OOC moments. You should go over this story again and fix they errors or have a beta reader do it for you.
| Gus Kinney The Prodigal Son chapter 8 . 3/23/2007
i love you this is so great this story made me cry i love it joey and seto 4-life hot moma
| loverskeeper chapter 8 . 1/6/2007
this story so far is good, it has romanace, drama, and you really bring out the emotions of your characters i hope you update soon