|Reviews for Absolution|
| FaBbEr0oZ chapter 1 . 4/1/2013
Awkward Inara is cute
| Daryl chapter 1 . 12/22/2010
i love long inara/kaylee stories like this most of all
| LEDlorien7 chapter 1 . 11/25/2008
I really like the way this begins. It has a great hook. "The words sounded poetic..."
I also really like this sentence: "The time had never been right, the person had frequently been wrong."
And this one is amazing as well: "she believed everyone had a soul-mate, either someone whose likeness to you was astounding or just a polar opposite who made the world crystal clear." I wish I was sure I could agree with that. *sighs*
Aw! Inara getting all cute and awkward? That's so adorable!
Aw, why did Kaylee leave?
Grammar point: "Now she was battling against the urge to follow her friend out into the rest of the ship but she knew where that might lead" There should be a comma before the "but".
Did Inara slap Mal on the head, or did the curtains?
Why was Kaylee crying? Was she happy? Scared? It doesn't make sense for her to be sad...
Another missing comma "Splashing herself with the cool water may have appeared uncouth but it cleared her mind in a way nothing else could" Again it should be before the "but"
This is just a suggestion, but in the paragraph that begins with "Predictably" you end the paragraph with "Now that was true delusion" I feel like italicizing the word "that" would give us a better sense of how she was thinking it.
Saying "hey" seems a little out of character for Inara. I feel like she'd be a bit more formal. Maybe she'd say "Hello" or she might say "Kaylee?" or something.
Aw man, poor Inara. Why is Kaylee denying her?
I like that you invented a trait that you gave a background to. Being able to fall asleep on Serenity when troubled. That's an interesting thing to learn about Inara.
In the first line underneath the break you say "the crew were" but I think it should be "the crew was". The word crew is a collective, like the word water (as in, many droplets of water). You would say a lot of water was... so I think it's the crew was too. But I could be wrong.
Oh Jayne, that was a very in character thing you had him say about Kaylee. I thought Jayne respected Inara a bit though. Mal doesn't, but I'm pretty sure the rest of the crew does. Mal does too, he's just weird about it.
You've got some very realistic dialogue in here. Wash would definitely say this: "Okay, who did what with the real Kaylee?" and River would definitely know what Kaylee's thinking and explain it in a cryptic way.
To me, this phrase sounds weird: "The mechanic looked at her slowly, Inara being drawn by" If I were to make a suggestion it would be something like "The mechanic looked at her slowly, and Inara's eyes were drawn to the soft lips..." something like that.
YAY! Inara won Kaylee over!
Wow, Mal thought she was training her? Oy Mal. I'm glad he did though, because the alternative reasons for his disapproval would be worse.
Whoo, you're making me shiver too.
Aw, strawberries! Kaylee loves strawberries!
If you read this sentence aloud: "Manoeuvring herself so their lips met tenderly, she hesitantly placed a hand on Kaylee’s upper thigh" it might have too many "ly"s too close together. I'd just take out the word "tenderly" because the sentence is just as good without it.
Another comment: "Kaylee seemed to be enjoyed the contact." Enjoying, I believe.
I hope my comments don't offend you. I really like this fic, and that's why I'm spending time reading it carefully.
Wow, I never would have thought Kaylee would be first to go up the dress... I like it!
These two sentences: "Never in her life had she felt so vulnerable, she’d always been the one in control. Suddenly her composure was being rattled by the mere fingertip touch of a person, she’d never believed that particular myth." -Both of them need some kind of connection between the two parts. For example (this actually sounds weird... you might want to just rework the sentence entirely) "Never in her life had she felt so vulnerable, for she'd always been the one in control." The second one, maybe just put an "and" after the comma, I think that would work.
Another comma comment (hee hee) "It took a few seconds for Kaylee to fully believe that then she sat up slowly." a comma before the "then"
Haha, I like the ending too. This is a really well done fic. I love it! I like how slowly you take their relationship, how special you make it seem.
| eloriane chapter 1 . 6/27/2007
This was so completely fantastic, I can't critique it the way I usually do. The characterization was completely perfect, even for the characters that barely made an appearance.
Wash cleared his throat, asking, ‘Okay, who did what with the real Kaylee?’
‘She’s conflicted,’ River said suddenly in her own quiet way. ‘Doesn’t know what to do.’
I could almost hear the characters speaking.
In terms of the main story, the relationship, it was lovely and sweet and real and I enjoyed every moment.
Fantastic work. Keep writing!
| Believe the Lie chapter 1 . 2/22/2007
That was excellent.
| Torak the Slash Lover chapter 1 . 1/18/2007
That was beautiful :)