|Reviews for Narashima Rose|
| Burninghammer63088 chapter 12 . 4/15/2007
Thak you for taking the time to right it, Misty. I really enjoyed it. My favourite chapters were the last few. Very exciting. again thank you for writing the fic.
| Lady Midnight chapter 10 . 3/3/2007
Nice story. You seemed to be a huge fan of crossovers. Shame not too many people write about the Roses. Everyone seems to be in character, and that's rarely seen in most stories these.
There were a few things though that should be noted.
One thing you could do is "show more than tell." "telling" is the reliance on simple exposition. "Showing," is the use of evocative description
Makoto was confused, “There’s a point system?”
That's telling. A better way to convey that would be to have Makoto show it. Like, how does one show their confused?
Makoto scratched her chin, eyebrows knitting in a frown. "There's a point system?"
The latter creates mental pictures for the reader and also involves the reader in the story rather than just spoon-feeding them information.
Of course, we don't do this for every little thing in the story. Otherwise it becomes padded with detail and ceases to do what we want it to do (Tell the story). Sometimes, it's ok to tell. Background information, facts, etc. Just don't make it too excessive.
Next thing, you should begin a new paragraph when someone is talking. You have two different people's dialouge in the same paragraph. Break it up so we understand whose saying what.
“What the hell?” Sgt. Clemets uttered with vehemence. And Rowdy Reiko was not done yet. “That’s right Sarge I said it. You need to cover up that damn rump of yours or at LEAST wear regular pants,” Rowdy protested.
“What the hell?” Sgt. Clemets uttered with vehemence.
“That’s right Sarge I said it. You need to cover up that damn rump of yours or at LEAST wear regular pants,” Rowdy protested.
I also notice you tend to write in omniscient point of view in some parts. Where we see what everybody is thinking. That lessens the suspense and makes it hard to follow with everyone's thoughts floating around.
If Reiko had her back turned (take note we're writing from her view point) and Dixie flipped her the bird, would she see it? Nope. So we don't mention Dixie's bird flipping unless we're in Dixie's point of view, or unless Reiko knows somehow that Dixie's flipping her off for sure.
Choose one person's point of view and stick to it. Of course, your able to change POV's whenever you feel. Just make sure you use a scene break (like you have been using)to let the reader know your swapping viewpoint characters.
Anyway this is one of my favorite stories so far and I hope you continue to update.
| RurouniNall chapter 8 . 2/11/2007
oo more stories
Lets see, this story was pretty dramatic, and i'd probably feel the same way as rowdy if i was in that postion.
Well they have a map so the easy thing is to get there, but i wonder if Ana has any traps set for them?
| RurouniNall chapter 7 . 2/9/2007
hmm, ruqest: have reiko get eaten !_!
PS: AIM ME lol
but uh over all intresting chapter, i noticed that these chapters are alot shorter then your old ones.
but i'd like to see who is left to fight Kamikaze that hasnt uh "gone heel" ) unless its rowdy reiko ...shes rowdy *rawr*
| Smeesnoops chapter 6 . 2/6/2007
Reiko has never suffered a humiliating defeat...until Agile declared herself as Makoto's number one friend.
Dr Anesthesia...does not know, how to sword fight. And who yanked Rowdy off the streets?
| Smeesnoops chapter 5 . 2/6/2007
Fujiko, SGT Clemets...and Aisha to the rescue for my dear Reiko. I need to make my stories go into deep detail.
| Smeesnoops chapter 4 . 2/6/2007
OMG! Why Dr Cutter do that to Reiko's ghetto baby! See, this is why people push Anesthesia down the stairs everyday.
| RurouniNall chapter 1 . 2/4/2007
said Aigle trying to score some friendship points.
Uh lets see, great story, even in the se rious points i was kinda laughing, it was a really funny story but still had serious points/issues.
keep it up
ps: didnt you have a whole Rowdy reiko gang story worked up?
Pss: what is AU?
| RurouniNall chapter 5 . 1/26/2007
“You care about that samurai girl right?
LOL thats so Aisha!
uh lets see, is Aisha going to meet Judgment, was there a clue back there in the story?
Anyways nice story and good plot twist