|Reviews for Umi|
| My name is a national secret chapter 10 . 4/22/2008
Is there sny chance of you updating this fic? I want them to find Rina and the other remaining princesses. I could do without the swearing, though.
| Jamoo34 chapter 10 . 8/13/2007
Wow! I’ve read everything at once and I’m here and ready at my keyboard to write a constrictive review for you hehe. I’ll be talking about all the chapters you’ve posted lately, but I’ll specify the chapters I’m speaking (writing) about when they come up so you won’t have to go looking all through your fic for what I’m talking about. Okay, here we go:
Flow/spelling: You’re flow through out the story is wonderful! I can follow this rather well and read it without a big issue. You don’t make many spelling errors, I think there was one in chapter one but if I can’t even remember it, it must not have been that bad. . I caught another one in chapter nine, instead of here you put hear. Nothing a beta reader couldn’t catch. As I mentioned in my other review for your other story, sometimes you miss punctuation at the ends of sentences or place a period after an exclamation mark. Again, a beta reader should be able to help you there.
Description: This is something you need to work on. I need to be able to paint a picture of the backgrounds and I can’t from the lack of words you’ve put down. You do a marvelous job when telling what people/mermaids look like, and I would love to see you do that for backgrounds and emotions. Show me what they’re feeling, what they’re thinking and describe it to me.
Mermaid births: New mermaid princesses are born from pearls after their successors die IE Sara and Seria. So if Lucia and the others are still alive, why are their successors even around? I can see you going back to change this fact but it would be a bit hard since it’s the main part of your story. You could say something like ‘Lucia and the others allowed the birth so they could go into hiding’ but because you haven’t said anything like that, this seems to go very much against canon. BTW, Noel is the blue mermaid, just plain blue mermaid but if you want to keep it deep blue, I don’t have a problem. I’m not going to get all ‘OMG it’s all wrong!1!’ because it can go either way really, but most who got into the anime/manga before evil Del Ray picked it up usually call her the blue mermaid.
Numbers: Spell them out. Instead of putting 3, placed three in there instead. My eyes draw away from the text and to the numbers and in reality it’s what college professors (or high school teachers in my case) take points off for. It helps your work bounce a lot more and doesn’t break my flow of reading.
Censorship: Why is it that you cut out the MILF explanation in chapter but later in chapter eight, someone can later drop the F bomb (a few times later on in the last chapter I might add)? I’d stick to either using it, or avoiding it but personally I wouldn’t use it at all while characters are speaking; this is a rated T fic or rather a PG-13 rating when it comes to movies.
The Mary Sue comment in chapter seven really threw me through a loop. I can see where it would be funny, but it really had no place there. There’s no such thing as a ‘perfect Sue’ Sues are perfect and that’s why they’re called Sues because they are perfect and thus the perfect comment doesn’t need to be there. (If you’re even going to keep it in.) When I see the term Mary Sue, my mind switches to writing and it’s not something we go around calling others is it? Unless the said character is a writer, there’s really no point in putting it there, I think it would look a lot better (and keep the flow) if you replaced it with another name the other characters didn’t understand.
Even though I do find your OC’s funny, I would like to see more flaws in them and more character development/introspection. They aren’t Sues, or anything close they’re almost just kind of ‘there’. I can’t say I know what these characters would do in a situation at all. It’s almost as if this story is so focused on the story that the characters sit back and let it happen to them. It’s chapter nine and I don’t really ‘see’ any of these characters, all I see are names and dialog.
This story is very interesting and I do wish to see more from you. I want to see what else happens, and I would like to see more of the canon characters, but that’s something that will come in time huh? I like seeing Hanon in character, as well as Kaito as a father! Haha! It’s great! Haha, anyways, I hope this wasn’t too long and I hope it helps you out. Update soon!
| mookie627 chapter 10 . 7/17/2007
woo~ Sakura as a tight ass,I could SO see that! xD I don't mind what Suzumi calls her xD :D I've actually been reading,just not reviewing! xD So I thought I would to let u know I'm still reading it! :D
| Rapid-Starr chapter 10 . 7/13/2007
Nice chapter. It was nicely written and discriptive. I had fun reading it and hope to see more of the OCs in future chapters. The storys seems to be returning to the original plot (at least to me). Anyway, I wonder what is in store for everyone now? Next chapter please.
PS Hey Aloi-chan! Sorry to hear about the loss of your relitives. I'm happy to see you back!
| Kingdom Hearts 3D rocks chapter 10 . 7/13/2007
oh ok cool
| Plastic.Aloi.Paperclip chapter 10 . 7/12/2007
Yeah, sorry that I havent been reveiwing. Its just that a lot has been going on. Two of my grandparents died during the same week, I since they live in another continent, i didnt get to go to their funerals. That was two months ago. Last month my moms aunt died. And again I could go to her funeral. Strange, I know, but I have a big family with lots of old people, so not extremely surprising.
But on a happier note, Im on vacation now, and will be for a month. Im here visiting my living family members, so I avent been able to get to a computer, sorry.
Also, I dont think Im ever going to get to that advisor.
You portrayed Yuki really well, exect for one thing. I (we) dont celebrate birthdays (or holidays for that matter). I understand that that could hinder your story a bit, so Im not complaining. I only ask that she not attend the actual party.
Be Thankful for you have experienced the freakishness of the one and only:
| Rapid-Starr chapter 9 . 7/1/2007
That was a good chapter. One Princess found and six to go. Who is Eamon and wht does he want the Princesses dead? The bit on the bus was funny, Suzumi's personallity change has made given her quite an attitude, not in a bad way mind you. But with Suzumi returning in two weeks what's going to happen? Maybe a return of the original OCs? Guess I'll have to wait for the next chapter to find out. Cya!
| Kingdom Hearts 3D rocks chapter 9 . 6/27/2007
| Rapid-Starr chapter 8 . 6/1/2007
Um, OK. I'm a bit confused right now so please excuse any incoherant ramblings that may follow. First of WTF happened to Suzumi? At the end of the last chapter she was dead (or at least lifeless) and now she's back with an entierly different personallity. What gives? Will you return to the original idea of the story or have you decided to take it a different direction? What about the OCs, will they return at some point? Anyway it's your story so I guess it doesn't really matter what I say about it. Sorry for being so long winded, I'm just sorta wondering what suprises the next chapter will bring.
| Storybelle chapter 8 . 5/28/2007
Ok, I am totally confused. My head has gone all twisty.
| Kingdom Hearts 3D rocks chapter 8 . 5/28/2007
wow, good chapter.
| Storybelle chapter 7 . 5/26/2007
Damn you and your friggin cliffhangers!
Ack! Did Suzumi just die? How can you do that? ~cries~ She was my fave character! ~sulks~ That was just evil. Evil! DON'T GIVE YOUR READERS BLOOMING HEART ATTACKS!
Although you can come up with stuff that I so did not think would happen...
And to be honest I do not like Hiromu much. Kick her for me.
Meh! Me like!
| Kingdom Hearts 3D rocks chapter 7 . 5/8/2007
i dont get it
| Rapid-Starr chapter 7 . 5/8/2007
Ah, I guess you really did hate Suzumi, and now that the main charater is dead whats next? Is this the end? or will the other mermaids continue on? So many questions, so little time, Please update soon!
| something chapter 1 . 4/14/2007
Gender: GIRL DUH!
Hobbies: dancing and drawing
Likes: sugar, music
Hates:not very much
Personality: she's a very nice cheerful person but an sometimes be a bit stubborn. She's also very loud.
her idol costume is like hanon's but the frills on the top are in the middle.
Hair: Mermaididol- brown
Eyes: Mermaididol- light blue
Hairstyle: mermaididol- down curly, with two straight bangs at the front
human- shoulder length, down with a braid on each side at the front