Reviews for The Hero of Wolves
Ganheim chapter 2 . 12/6
Chapter 5
Night lay over the castle like a hand covering someone's mouth
[Night is a passive thing that sits there (the things within it being feared by some cultures). A hand over the mouth is a momentary, active, resistible thing]

The barracks where
[The barracks for Hyrule City (or whatever you want to call it) maybe, but barracks are local facilities and in any realistic telling there’s going to be more at other major points of national interest, like Kakariko]

covered exponentially in hair
[Exponential is growth, hair coverage is (basically) static. I’m honestly unsure what this is supposed to indicate about him]

Gorkenheim was not
[This long paragraph is a data-dump]

said Captain Volc
[Here at his introduction to the scene is a better place to slip in (at least one, preferably less than three) descriptive details. Instead you drop a mini-data-dump after his line, most of that information not important to the immediate scene]

are loyal to…your loyalties lie
[repetition]

There were ten in all
[This sentence is probably the only one that’s needed for the scene. All the rest of the information can be sprinkled in as the story goes along, rather than halting the plot so we can have a biography of every Tom, Dick, and Harry that comes in]

various sections of the battle-ready section
[repetition]

had the power
[If they have the power, why do they care about an inept general without status himself?]

didn't want to hear anyone bad mouthing
[This is why I say “Show Don’t Tell”. You just showed us about a page of the general badmouthing the monarchy, then you told us the captains didn’t like that. Nobody frowned or stood up to him, so what you showed was a very strong portrayal against. A single sentence of telling does not give the same impact]
the idiot she was sending
[He said only one sentence about Link himself, the rest of it was against Zelda]

alive with shouting and arguing
[shouting indicates a deeper-rooted contention, I think you want “debate” which indicates disagreement without necessarily strife]

kisses his wife, trudged
[Verb tense disagreement: you’re normally in past-tense, but kisses is present-tense]

Volc slept his disloyalty off
[What disloyalty? He made no statements or plans for overthrow, just told the general plans that he likely would’ve known (very soon if not by normal communication procedures)]

when he received the news…reported to him
[repetition]

Count Durtain was a
[And another infodump…]

Tarno had a snake-
[I know this is supposed to be description, but it feels like more Author Intrusive Telling because you feel the need for us to make an emotional judgement. You don’t like rumours, okay, but a butler doing his job is just a man. Give what physical description is vital (you don’t necessarily need any for bit characters) and move on]

talk of the whole country
[And yet he wasn’t mentioned as known until now. If he was widely known to have saved the world, that should’ve come up in one of your scenes with the army]

only piece of real furniture
[Bookshelves can be real furniture]

stomped in. Although seemingly calm
[Stomping is not calm]

disobeyed her in favor of others
[I think this is repetition. ‘in favor of others’ is disobedience in this context]

and quickly as it
[as]

a Sheikah to the core
[Telling. Showing would be ‘tone even and posture steady’ or something concrete and descriptive]

She switched topics quickly
[Telling. Just jump into the dialog]

I need to tell my people
[I don’t see how he’s needed for her to make an announcement. He gave her zip for new information when they met]

petals felt like vague
[An indirect way to refer to her wish to see her gardens again. I think a more direct phrasing would help fight your tendency to step back and Tell]

the man asked
[New person? The same guard as the last paragraph?]

I like how you treat the world as more populated than the game shows. However, I think you use Telling to give us information that often isn’t needed and sometimes would be better shown with Showing. That would give you the opportunity to develop not only character but plot or setting at the same time.
Ganheim chapter 1 . 12/6
The Sixty-Seventh
[It’s hard to read all caps, bold, or italics. If you have small segments (as is common for flashbacks) that’s okay, but if it’s the whole chapter or even too many paragraphs, you might want to consider giving a descriptor to ground the scene for us and then make the text standard]

a civilian man
[The idea of a civilian is something that arises with the adoption of a standing army, which is somewhat post-feudal (with some lapses, granted). He might be viewed as an outsider or innocent, or common citizen, but ‘civilian’ seems inappropriate. He did charge into and fight to end this conflict, after all. The hand that ends a war in this type of story is not a civilian]

a false usurper King
[Which would’ve been an _awesome_ character and arc for Midna. Until nintendo chickened out and made her a standard princess seeking her throne]

Ganondorf truly controlled
wolf was truly a
[As opposed to falsely? Adverbs (as this) should be avoided because, like here, they add nothing to the passage and only invite misinterpretations]

same tunic as the Hero of Legends
[I know some people like chaining together the games like dominos, but I never thought that was necessary – most of the games even work _better_ as standalones – but in this especially I wouldn’t rely on the crutch of “oh, it was like the other games”. Describe the green tunic if you wish to bring attention to some aspect if it, though]

uncultured mannerisms of a commoner…respectful and polite
[These seem self-contradictory to me. I’m also not sure how they’re quite diplomatic]

Chapter 2
nothing had happened
[The “had/has/were verb” is a weak, passive construction best avoided]

sadness of the Twilight Hour
[I don’t think there’s a twilight HOUR in Twilight Princess as much as areas. Unless you’re writing a Persona crossover, in which case I can only wait in anticipation for Link’s Shadow]

he had been waiting for.
It was late
[You like using passive construction, but too much in close proximity (like this) pushes the audience out of your story]

much had happened in
what they had called
[passive]

yeah. I think." Link
[You gave Link real lines. Like a real person. That’s worth immediate points, too many writers are too timid to give him a real personality and awkwardly avoid his lines]

Epona had backed
and was chomping
[passive]

It seeped through his green tunic
[The fire seeped through? I think that’s called immolation]

silhouette would look much like a wolf
[He might pose like a wolf, but the humanoid face is not compatible with a canid muzzle]

using evil magic
[What is evil magic? “black magic” alone is a nondescriptive cliché I’d avoid, but if it’s not used for evil ends I wouldn’t call it evil]

yet kind imp
[Kind? Are we talking about the same selfish sassy Midna? She ended up making a heroic sacrifice at the end (which had NO build-up through the rest of the game), but she looked thoroughly evil. I think that would’ve made a much more interesting end conflict]

effectively snapping it off
[But a snap would break it. I think you mean brush?]

The wolf crystal was slipped
[He slipped the wolf crystal]

warrior sat; there was
[You use the semicolon on several occasions, but it’s better to use a period (to emphasize their separation and individual point) or comma (to join them)]

Ordon was awaiting
[awaited]

places he had been, the people he had seen, and the races he had interacted
[Repetition, passive] places he went, people he saw, and races he interacted

"LINK!" Link was getting
[Does not set the scene. Where is this? Who’s speaking? Is it Link? Your formatting (Link being the only named character) says yes]

Link was looking
[looked]

silent understand between
[understanding]

there was a strong fire burning
[passive. ‘a strong fire burned’ would be more concise and active. You use this weak construction quite a bit, so I’ll try only to point it out when it’s egregious]

we have reservations at Kakariko Inn
[In a different city…and different province…]

Chapter 3
There was a loaf
[passive: not how I’d start a paragraph]

because he got things caught in it
[I don’t think well-made armor should catch, chain mail especially often had underlayers of cloth so wearers had free movement without scratching themselves to death]

to see royal handwriting is a privilege
[Not in the least of which because, prior to the printing press, literacy was an uncommon literacy. Depending on the time and nation, even leaders couldn’t read, instead having trained advisors handle the paperwork]

Link reread the scroll
[Which doesn’t actually state anything except ‘would be nice to see you’]

Link reached over and hooked a finger under her chin
[He’s on horseback]

hundreds of Hylians were working their way out of their hiding spots
[But your introduction of the town indicated it was desolate. You can’t have it both ways]

chain of convenience stores
[*inconvenience stores]

where they could attack weaker things in peace
[Where they could attack…in peace…sounds to me like they’re just routed and waiting to spring to raiding again]

then fell back to sleep
[No protest? I’d think he should at least identify Link and look sheepish]

a bottle of milk in front of him
[Is this going to be like Chrono Trigger’s avoidance of alcohol with “soda”…I mean, milk here?]

as he jumped from surface to surface
[In the tiny room?]

had no physical body of his own
[I’m pretty sure Zant and Ganon both had physical bodies, or they couldn’t be injured]

to her bedroom. Forrad
[Source Mixing. While his action isn’t major, he has lines in the next paragraph and his sentence would fit better beginning that then here]

Chapter 4
Lords and Ladies…jog about
[I don’t think lords jogged ever. That’s a more explicit point in Near Eastern cultures, but when you can send people to do your work for you…you tend to]

wood stained with green wood
[repetition]

for five rupees an hour
[That’s pretty generous in a culture where payment for each day wasn’t even guaranteed (Hyrule might be a little different, but the tendency in feudal societies was common)]

switching his tale
[swishing his tail]

knobs adoring each
[adorning]

No one goes through these gates
[Odd. Historically, most castles (being administrative centers) had their gates open at all times an attack wasn’t imminent]

so long it was yellow
[I seem to remember it being gray, and staining has more to do with the environment clothing has contact with than wearer’s tendency to designer soap]

shields had feet so
[Their shields are alive and have feet? Cool]

Walk straight to the front door and you'll be escorted to
[Shouldn’t he be escorted to the throne room so he doesn’t try any hijinks like sneaking through the hedge rows?]

brandishing their weapons and shouting loudly
[Why? Shouldn’t they be quiet unless there’s something requiring their attention?]

a man who seemed to be a butler
[passive, vague. A short description would be better than “seemed to be a”]

could be heard from
[‘echoed from’ would be more active and concise]

smaller scale and lack of grandeur
[She probably uses it because it’s easier to get to. The same thing happened at many castles from Ireland to Honshuu]

of his muddy, tattered boots
[He didn’t wipe before entering? I suppose it’s not a consistent practice across cultures using castles]

The unison sound of grinding metal resounded
[Clinking I could understand, but I think you’re exaggerating. Otherwise they’re damaging their armour (and themselves)]

they are a proud race so Hyrule sent aid to them first
[And they accepted? There was more an implication of xenophobia/isolationism in Twilight Princess, though it can be interpreted several ways]

adventures." Link nodded
[Source Mixing. While small responses are frequent in dialog as well as fights, I think this is a set of actions and a change of focus from Zelda to Link, which is normally handled by breaking to a new paragraph]

Is that the basics
[Are those]

so much more to it than that
[Like lots of ridiculous sidequests when impending doom loomed]

day; a heaviness
[. A]
at all; every
[. Every]

that you allow me to knight you
[I’d be careful about that, he’ll have to go out and slay thousands of monsters each battle if that happens…]

Thank you for your time
[All two minutes of it, requiring no actual information from him?]

In the Mideval Age
[medieval, referring to the period from about 500AD to 1500AD in Europe]

than cowboy anyway
[Couldn’t be a cowboy without cows]
Hidari chapter 10 . 11/17
I've been enjoying this so far. And I'm probably invested in it since I'm dreading the ball. My two cents? There's a difference between fashion and style. Also, Queen Elizabeth, real royalty dresses as she damn well pleases. I just don't think Link or Zelda will dress as pansies for any ball. No matter how people force them. They both have too much good sense for that.
antoniopb chapter 27 . 11/14
The writing is damn good, but...

Too... Many... Plot... ro...les... cant... resist.
Jarvis R. Yeriel chapter 12 . 11/4
Ha ha ha ha... It's been a while since I've read this story, and I forgot how this chapter put a smile on my face. Way to crack the whip, Link. Way to crack the whip.
OriksGaming chapter 8 . 10/19
You called the general a 'fowl man.' I know that it was an error and not intentional, but I can't get the image of a large man wearing a chicken suit out of my head whenever he's mentioned.
katamari157 chapter 11 . 8/19
Fantastic. Zelda is such a wonderful character, such a fresh departure from the ice princess she is always presented in the game. Speaking so kindly to the Rochesters, becoming so informed on Link's past, and having a sharp retort for every move of Link's.

I like how every fight and stressful situation hints at Link's growing reliance on his beast side. Can't wait to see how he balances the souls within.
linkyismine chapter 31 . 8/8
This story just got WAY more interesting! I mean who doesn't want Zlda to turn into a wolf!
linkylovey chapter 30 . 8/8
Nooooooooooooo! Dark Link!
linkyismine chapter 29 . 8/7
Ilia soo does not have a chance with link now! Mwa ha ha ha! Oh I wanted to ask if that hidden sheikah village was real. (Cavern part!)
linkyismine chapter 27 . 8/7
I hate dark link but at the same time I can't help but think he's kinda cool!
linkyismine chapter 24 . 8/7
Whoever said the count is a "freaking mook" is definitely right! How dare he PRETEND to be nice to linky! What does the darkness want?!
linkyismine chapter 22 . 8/7
The title doesn't make sense but otherwise great story!
Guest chapter 10 . 8/7
Okay, now I think you just decided to change the 'ee' words with 'ea' words just for shits (heel/heal). There's no way that you could mistake so many words if similar homophone swaps with your vocabulary.
Homophones chapter 7 . 8/6
You have a bad habit of mixing up homophone words (words that sound alike with different spellings) that really detracts from your story. It's weird, because your other grammar tends to be pretty good. In particular, you mix up 'peak' (a pinnacal or top) and 'peek' (a quick, secretive look at something), and that error repeats itself in many chapters. However, in this chapter you also misuse 'cheep' (the sound a bird makes) and 'cheap' (something of low value). In the next chapter, you use 'fowl' (refers to birds typically used for eggs and poultry) when you mean 'foul' (something dirty or otherwise disgusting/unpleasant). These errors could be easily fixed, so if you edit this story I would suggest going back to correct them. They are minor on the whole, but still break immersion with whatever scene you're writing about.

Otherwise, I love this story! The characterizations are great, even if I find the length of descriptions tedious at times. Very nice work.
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