|Reviews for The Witch and the Bum Rewrite|
| Raving Adelaide chapter 1 . 7/3/2007
The daughter's name is Mireen.
What you wrote:
"To bad, 'cause your coming anyway." He said as he grabbed her wrists.
"Too bad, 'cause your coming anyway," he said as he grabbed her wrists.
The comma at the end of what a character says is key, otherwise everything every character says seems to be said sternly or in anger. It also disrupts the flow of the story when you put a period there. If a character is actually being curt or what they're saying is very important, you can do something like:
And not even need to put 'Bum said' or whatever. This only works when two characters are talking back and forth, otherwise it gets confusing about who did the talking. Actually it could work if a character were talking to himself as well. This kind of tool (I guess you say 'tool') should be used sparingly or else it loses it's effectiveness.
Think of the line I corrected for you as one sentence. So, '"_," he said.' is one sentence - to put a period in the middle of it would be wrong just like it would be in any other sentence. Using '!' and '?' is alright of course - they are the exceptions.
What you wrote:
"Is that a fact?" She asked as she twisted her wrist, causing him to release her.
"Is that a fact?" she asked as she twisted her wrist, causing him to release her.
When using '?' or '!' in dialogue, however, you do not capitalise the 'he' in 'he said' or 'she' in 'she asked' despite how both symbols ususlly indicate the end of a sentence. This sentence actually also runs on slightly too long, but it's easily fixed:
"Is that a fact?" she asked. Twisting her wrist, she forced Bum to release her.
And though it's not technically wrong, Ann 'causing' Bum to let go of her sounds a little funny. I can't quite pin point the exact reason why...but I can think of other words that sound less awkward. That's not a rule though, it's just one author's preference.
What you wrote:
"Yes, yes it is. Other wise the Sally, Watch, Adam...
"Yes, yes it is. Otherwise the Sally, Watch, Adam...
'Otherwise' is one word for future reference. And it's 'obviously," not 'odviously.'
I also think that you might want to put a little more description in to show more emotion, or cause for emotion - especially in the part on the ship. I see you rely heavily on dialogue, which is not a problem, but dialogue doesn't speak for itself - which is kind of funny when you think about it. Anyway, stuff like 'she saw her husband's dead body burning sickenly' is description, sure. But without detail it remains a description that audiences have been desensitised to, or maybe can't imagine to the horrific degree it would really be. Human bodies don't burn well - I think it takes ten hours to burn a human body at 600 degrees fahrenheit, which is a big deal. Not that you should slap that fact in the midst of your story, but it does mean a few things. The clothes would burn first, and if it's a plastic-y fabric, like lycra or something, it will melt into the flesh. But I can't see the Templeton's subjecting themselves to even blends, let alone synthetic fabrics :P The skin will get red and then blister and then melt. According to Chuck Palahniuk in "Haunted," cooked human flesh smells like bacon. *shrug* Pretty graphic, but it's not like you need to add all that - I just think you should just be aware of what happens to a body after death, or else it may seem like those British murder mysteries, like "Midsomer Murders" or "Poirot," where no matter what happens, the corpse is always in perfect shape. I find it odd that people will assume this description of a body unless told otherwise in a detailed description. Fun fact, but again, you don't need to be horrifically graphic.
Um, let me give an example of this description thing:
'Ann slowly awoke to the smell of smoke and the heat of the flames that burnt the ship's control panel. This was extremely bad since she was currently in space with her husband and daughter.'
First of all, 'burnt' should be 'burned' because the flames are currently burning the control panel. But that wasn't my point. I know it's extremely bad that that's occuring to the control panel, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to dress the sentence up, like:
'This spelled disaster since she, her husband, and Mireen were currently floating in the darkness of space, light years from both the Pleaides and Earth.'
I don't really know how to explain why one's better than the other, and I'd think about and tell you right now, but now I have to get ready for work (I didn't think I'd take so long reviewing - that isn't to say you did a terrible job I just work slow).
Actually, come to think of it, I think it's because when you use the word 'space,' you assume it means what I explained or something like it? If that's it, you should explain something like that as opposed to relying on your audiences' experiences in watching movies and stuff with space in it.
| Raevyan chapter 1 . 5/24/2007
There's one thing here that really jumps out at me; how did Bum manage to knock on the doors of the castle without Ann having first lowered the drawbridge over the moat?
There's also a small grammer mistake at the end:
"...I suppose to be taking you places." Bum said.
Also, can I ask what the time frame is for this? You say it's been three years since the death of her husband and daughter, so how old would the gang be at this point? Just out of interest. -
Hope you decide to continue. :)