|Reviews for Thank you|
| She.Drowned.In.Venom chapter 1 . 3/25/2012
Very sweet. Well done.
| Broken Sexed Up Bloody Kitten chapter 1 . 8/14/2008
Just to mention so you can improve your writing (note that this isn't a flame)... Sasuke's very OOC (Out Of Character) and it's p-e-n-i-s there's no 'h' in the word... This is good for your first fic.
| smartlikeshikamaru chapter 1 . 8/13/2008
That was hot and cute.
| wolfgirl7124 chapter 1 . 8/12/2008
| todo-mahem chapter 1 . 8/11/2008
I really like the story line, its original. (:
Beautiful little fanfic, cute and all.
I really enjoyed the read.
| cardcaptor111 chapter 1 . 8/10/2008
HAHA! very good very good for your first try! yea! for the future add more details it makes the story more exciting and sound more sophisticated
| IMMAFIRINMAHLAZER chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
i thought it was good, but they're only 12. nice imagination though!
| littlewhimp chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
that was good over all. err how to put this... you made sasuke and naru kinda girly? and the personality of sasuke is the total opposite he is in the anime... hahahaha juz that i did not err no i never thought that sasuke would like this wee hahahahah anyways that was good!~
| TheSilverEternity chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
I'm quite impressed. I've written a few stories already and I'm not at the level of lemon yet.
Anyway, I have a few tips, if you'd like them. First, you misspelled a few words. If you're not entirely sure about certain words, look them up online. Second, if you add more detail and write about EVERYTHING that is happening, your story will end up longer and more interesting. Don't rush it.
| Kneise chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
This was pretty good for your first.
Few things I would like to point out,
Good beginning, interest throughout, nice timeframe
Don't use "Naruto Point of view"... "Sasuke point of view"
If your story is written well enough (and yours is) we'll know whose point of view it is. Instead if you want it to be a definate one character's monologue or thoughts use italics or bold type. The point of view is distracting.
You need to try to pace yourself in the future. The beginning was very nicely done, but it feels as if you weren't comfortable writing the lemon scene. The writing became rushed and although descriptive, not focused or detailed... I mean from the beginning to the part where Naruto speaks after he wakes up I am able to follow along and the flow is nice, to that point I feel like I just got shoved onto a speeding train... it just did not flow and "happen"
One last thing, do you have access to a document writing program like Microsoft Word? It's great for spell check and grammar.
This is a nice story, you have good ideas, however, you need to become comfortable with your writing and watch for the flow of the story. I enjoyed reading this and look forward to watching your skills develop as you write more! Please do keep writing, I for one will read your work.
((P.S. I'm in college to become a secondary education English teacher, please forgive me if I sound rude or crass. You can actually help me by replying if this review was helpful and not too "mean" Thanks))
| S. Wright chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
I found the summary interesting enough to want to read this story, but then I ran across a contradiction: 1. Your Naruto stated that he was not gay and then in the next sentence 2. Naruto is wondering if Sasuke would return his feelings.
Please take what I am writing as a positive and constructive criticism and not as an insult.
1. Your character did a 180 in less than two seconds. I think that whole question about his sexuality was not needed nor could they be discovered or settled in two seconds flat. I mean the boy is what twelve or thirteen at this moment. Aside from his pre-pubescent crush on Sakura, I doubt that Naruto is thinking about Sasuke sexually or his own sexual preference.
2. Naruto at this stage would never admit that anyone is a better Shinobi than he is, believe it! This Naruto master the multi-clone jutsu in a matter of hours. He tracked and disabled Sasuke to meet up with Sakura; he swore on his bloody hand that he would never allow anyone to rescue him again. This Naruto stood up to Zazuba and with Sasuke saved their Sensei. Naruto is would never say that Sasuke was better than him. He would admit in private that the Teme is brave and that Sasuke is strong, anything else would reflect poorly on this crazy little ninja and that would not do. Sasuke is Naruto's measuring stick but he is not the goal. Sasuke is Naruto's stepping stone just like everyone else who is not a Kage and even then, a Kage is just a measuring stick too. A writer should remember little things like that about their characters to keep the character true to itself. This is especially true even for fanfiction writers. We should remember why we like our various forms of entertainment and why we chose to add our own perspectives on the relationships of the characters and the story. I'm a sure that if the character Naruto matched your interpretation of him that you would not watch the show or read the manga.
3. Learn to switch character perspectives. I personally find it insulting to read anything that spells out that the author is changing the point of view. There is rather easy way of changing the point of view without the degrading Naruto point of view, Sasuke point of view, etc. It is third person point of view. Yes, I know I am reading fanfiction. I am assuming that you are young and might be learning the basics of writing whether it is non-fiction or fiction, and that you are doing this for fun and free, look at it this way but if you were to turn a paper or an essay written like that, you would fail. I look at writing fanfiction as practice. If I am developing a character or trying out situation, I will toss together a fanfiction story and throw it out there to get a since of how my idea will work. But I respect my readers and believe that they are more intelligent that me so I whatever I write reflects that sentiment. But I then I grateful that you did not use text type to write this story and you did try hard for some characterizations.
I personally suggest that you read some other authors in this genre, not the static ones, but the good ones like Jelp, Darkalbino, Michelerene, Eien-no-Ren, bleepbloopbanana who are on this site. Pay attention to their writing styles, the way they develop the characters to meet their particular visions while staying true to the characters themselves. Darkalbino is great with short stories and her Sasukes are always fun to read. Michelerene has mastered the Naruto character. Her first story For The Love Of His Son showed a submissive Naruto that didn't feel 100% like Naruto, but with each story she has written since her first Naruto story shown strong Naruto, who is intelligent, brash, daring, and bold. She very true to the core personality of the character and that is why she is one of the best. The same can be said for every character she chooses to write, but I personally believe that she is best when it comes to writing the Naruto character. For first love or just deeper connection between the two characters bleepbloopbanana will the one to read. Read their story Breathe and you will understand why. But the best in overall development is Jelp. Jelp goes to places with the characters that will leave you breathless. She has great timing; her continuation is flawless and has her theme down pact.
Another thing is to read these writers favorite stories and authors. You will pick more information; learn more about style, theme, and character development that will help you not just in writing fanfiction, but in all your writings.
4. Use proper punctuation. Quotation marks are not just for emphasis, they are used to show that a person is speaking. "Naruto, last time I bought you ramen, you said that you were going wear the bunny suit," Sasuke said.
I hope this helps you with your writings and that you are not overly offended, but I thought your story was interesting and that you as writer was worth sharing my advice with. Take it however you want, but I hope that you look at this as what is constructive advice and not criticism.
Good luck with in all your future writings.
| Riggnarock chapter 2 . 6/15/2008
i liked it but the only thing i didn't like was
the fact that i
had to keep reading sentences
all split apart
now do you see how annoying that is?
| Rakuen Tachibana chapter 2 . 10/30/2007
That was adorable! Thank you.
| Alden Detradia chapter 2 . 9/10/2007
it was good there were A LOT of spelling issues in it but i loved the story!
| ravenfire92 chapter 2 . 2/20/2007
i like your had a few problems but still it was great.