|Reviews for Mental Highschool|
| Lord Makura chapter 2 . 3/1/2007
omg YES for depressed vincent!
| Eh chapter 2 . 3/1/2007
why don't you use spellcheck?
| Shakiah Kestrel chapter 1 . 2/15/2007
The story seems interesting, but... really, you need to work on your spelling. _. As well as your use of apostrophes. And keeping the characters and their actions into better focus. Basically, just practice writing. Just as an example, you could look at this passage:
"After a few seconds a second man ran out of one of the rooms, "Sorry I'm a little late, I was getting dressed. Cool! We get a new room mate!" the man named Zack exclaimed."
Just correcting all your mistakes(and adding a couple of my own suggestions, this would look like:
After a few seconds, a second man ran out of one of the rooms(the same room?). "Sorry I'm a bit late! I was getting dressed."
(I'd insert something here about what he does when he sees Cloud and take out the 'we're getting a new roommate'. It would make the story run more smoothly. Also, the line 'cool! We get a new roommate!' makes him sound like a real spaz, and I got the impression that Zack was a bit more serious than that. And you don't need to say 'the man named Zack' because he introduces himself in the next paragraph.)
Also, this bit
He walked up to Cloud and whispered "Please be more fun than, Mr-depresed-as-heck over there." he pointed to Vincent, "By the way, I'm Zack Donovan. What's yer name?" Zack statend up and placed his hands on his hips.
Could turn into a continuation of the same paragraph(as I assume you're still meaning Zack by 'he') if you used some transition, like "He stopped and looked Cloud over". Also, pointing at Vincent isn't exactly the most discreet way to indicate him.
So the entirety of the paragraph could be something like this:
After a few seconds, a second man ran out of one of the rooms. "Sorry I'm a bit late! I was getting dressed." He stopped and looked Cloud over, then took a step closer and whispered: "Please be a bit more fun than Mr. Depressed-as-Heck over there." He gestured at Vincent slightly. He straightened up and placed his hands on his hips. "By the way, I'm Zack Donovan. What's your name?"
(I replace 'yer' with 'your' because it he was informal enough to say 'yer', it seems to me that he wouldn't say his last name. *shrugs*)
Anyway, I think I've dissertated long enough now. I could go on, but I'm at school and I've been sitting here for the last half hour doing off-task stuff. And take everything I say with a grain of salt - I'm just trying to help.
And... I don't really do beta-ing. I do a lot of independent writing (not fanfiction. I haven't been on this site for more than a year).
Anyway, signing off now.