Reviews for what happens next in Inverloch
Ryan L. Spradling chapter 1 . 4/26
WARNING! Carry on reading! Or you will die, even if you only looked at the word warning!
Once there was a little girl called Clarissa, she was ten-years-old and she lived in a mental
hospital, because she killed her mom and her dad. She got so bad she went to kill all the
staff in the hospital so the More-government decided that best idea was to get rid of her so
they set up a special room to kill her, as humane as possible but it went wrong the
machine they were using went wrong. And she sat there in agony for hours until she died.
Now every week on the day of her death she returns to the person that reads this letter, on
a Monday night at 12:00 a.m. She creeps into your room and kills you slowly, by cutting you
and watching you bleed to death. Now send this to ten other pictures on this one site, and
she will haunt someone else who doesn't. This isn't fake. apparently, if you copy and paste
this to ten comments in the next ten minutes you will have the best day of your life
will either get kissed or asked out, if you break this chain u will see a little dead girl in your room!
CODE RED P!
Sulfuric Acid chapter 1 . 6/9/2007
That isn't even a story. It's more, 'tis iz wot i tink will hapin nixt n inverloch!1 LOLOLOLOL!eleven' and is simply a fangirl rant.

As seen in the comic, 'what happens next in Inverloch' is nothing like what you described in your self-important little rant.

Work on your description; you lack the environment and the pacing that would make this a story at all!

Please, take this rubbish down, rework it and THEN repost; it's not a bad idea, but you need to work on your technique as a writer. PM me if you need further advice as to how to achieve this.

Have a good one,

-Acid
Tinuel chapter 1 . 3/29/2007
You made this more of a statement than an actual story. It lacks detail and it doesnt flow at all.

Try to get this less out the "And this happens, and this happens," and more into the moment.

Describe each event, dont blow by it. If you've no interest in picking up a book, you can always go and read another Inverloch fic and see how the stories continue to flow as you read.

Clean up the choppiness, learn how to paragraph, and give more detail :)

Once you do that, you might have something good on your hands. For now, it needs a bit of work.

~Tinuel
WoLfBoY538 chapter 1 . 2/19/2007
To be frank, it wasn't very good.

The story is lacking in any enviormental detail or anything to add to the story.

It's all He said, she said, she did, he did.

Try comparing your story to an actual book. Then ask yourself if yours compares to it in any way.

Grammar time:

Whenever a different character speaks or a significant change in setting, pace, or events takes place, start a new paragraph.

Try adding adjectives into the story and details to make it more than a blw-by-blow of what is happening.

I am not being mean, I am giving you advice that will aid you in bettering yourself as a writer.