|Reviews for The Secret Of Immortality|
| Winter Feline chapter 1 . 1/29
In a very grim way, this actually comes off as a more karmic punishment that was long due than the original series ever managed to. I don't particularily want to witness people being miserable but Naru's and Motoko's efforts to harm the man over and over simply stopped being funny after a short time. Given that he was clumsy and caused a lot of trouble with that, I would imagine part of it was deserved but still, seeing things go to this extent and having the girls forced to realize how badly they did treat him...
Suffice to say it is an interesting read.
| I am the weirdo chapter 1 . 4/13/2013
awww... nice story... actually the first love hina fanfic i have ever read through. have a nice day.
| vak1234 chapter 1 . 12/9/2012
loved it maybe do a sequel
| Unis Crimson chapter 1 . 2/4/2012
| Lord Sia chapter 1 . 1/20/2012
Well, it was an interesting story - though I'd like to see what happens next. As it was, the ending was a bit abrupt - a bit more Ia Ia would have settled that, but I guess you wanted some measure of "happy" ending...
| azt1264 chapter 1 . 1/5/2012
Muy buena historia, el unico pero que tengo es: por que motoko, naru y kitsune no reciben un castigo, principalmente motoko ya que su hermana se entera de como un artista marcial a atacado con fuerza mortal a una persona desarmada por una cantidad incontable de veces; o es que los poderosos aoyama tienen una regla diferente para jusgar a las personas mundanas y otra para ellos. que habria hecho tsuruko si su hermana fuera la receptora de este maltrato.
| Comfy Pillow chapter 1 . 1/5/2012
Story-wise it was great, interesting and nicely done plot, albeit not completely original, in the Love Hina FF section it's pretty unique.
Things I Enjoyed:
* Length! It's a really long oneshot... One of the longest oneshots I've ever read. Not that I usually read oneshots, but this is worn reading.
* Plot/Imagery, the environment is done well and there is vivid and detailed imagery throughout - it makes it really easy for the reader to visualize.
Things that need work:
* Diction, this is probably the largest issue in the FF. The diction is really whacky at times and is either used incorrectly or just out of place. (For ex. "assent of the stairs.", I believe that is "descent of the stairs"). For much of the story you have extremely vivid imagery that is upheld by high level words and diction, but it is often ruined when you use simple words such as "terror" or "scared" to summarize. It throws off the flow and makes the story sound a little cheesy (this is probably one of the most time consuming and difficult issues to fix though as it requires heavy review and analysis)
* The OOC characters do feel a bit strange, it's not terrible by any means, but just feels a bit weird and occasionally clashes with the attempted atmosphere.
* A longer lead in or intro to the story might be a good idea. It helps set the tone even better and stops the story from feeling a little bit too rushed. Maybe follow a crescendo pattern in the action/fear increase? The initial atmosphere as dark and chaotic feels a little forced, but this is partially due to the misuse/weird diction during the intro. In addition, during the scenes with Motoko and Tsuruko, there are a few jokes and shift from a dark to light mood feels unwarranted and out of place, I like them but you should ease the transition by extending the scenes so it's not so sudden.
* The Doctor - he's strange ._. seems a bit useless for a doctor and overly touchy/compassionate? I guess this goes into the OOC place but his scene stuck out the most so I thought I'd point it out.
Overall it was well written and I enjoyed the story - as with your other FF. The only things I think you need some polishing on is in the grammar/diction. The plot and content was well done (and usually is in your stories).
On a side note, sorry for using a second post to send this review. Also didnt know it was a oneshot lol. I was just a bit overly excited to see a new Love Hina FF written by you haha :p
| Comfy Pillow chapter 1 . 1/5/2012
So I logged in FF for the first time in a while (been to busy to read recently :;/ ) and decided to check the Love Hina section out of nostalgia and curiosity. Guess what I see :P first thought "Hey! I know that guy!" :)
This looks interesting, and having read your previous work, I am looking forward to this FF :D
*To everyone reading this review (even though it isnt really a review) This author is an amaIng writer and he doesnt disappoint :) so stay tuned!
| Samhan chapter 1 . 1/4/2012
I love it, but I wish it continue to another chapters
| SecondSeraphim chapter 1 . 2/15/2010
8? 8! How the heck can this story only have 8 (now 9) reviews? This story is awesome!
| ranma hibiki chapter 1 . 3/3/2009
that was a good one-shot, though im left wondering if the girls were right (as they are very often wrong with anything that involves keitaro) about keitaro having a tormentor..or if it was something else that really WAS part of keitaro
| HarimaHige chapter 1 . 5/12/2008
Good work. Very interessting. What a shame that it doesnt continued.
| TehSpaz chapter 1 . 11/12/2007
Cool, a very original take on "Evil Keitaro"; based upon the Grudge maybe? All the descriptions and stuff made it seem so. The ending is a little vague; he didn't seem to lose his emotions, he still said ow when he was being hugged by Naru, but noneheless; it was a fantastic story.
| DarkMasterStarr chapter 1 . 9/23/2007
I like it, now if only you had a sequel to this, that would rock.
| DATLAG chapter 1 . 3/8/2007
Shit that was wild!O.O I like it. And please ignore the negative comment that other guy said. It's you're fuckin story so let it go your fuckin way. What fucktards! If you don't appreciate what people write then don't fucking rewiew shitnozzle! .