|Reviews for Whore|
| BF21 chapter 1 . 6/16
So here's a little antidote we found to endless despicable shipping of Hermione (or Harry) & some ponce named something like Darco Maljoy.
[originally posted by some anonymous Redditor from Connecticut on a subreddit in 2017]
- January 1994 -
"AARRGHH!" Malfoy woke with a start, sweat covering his whole body.
A dream - no a fricking nightmare! - like no other he'd ever had before! Cuddling Potter! Fancying Potter! Squeezing Potter's bum! SHAGGING POTTER! He needed to owl his mother and organise a mind healer to meet him in Hogsmead this coming weekend. Fortunately it was only two days, but still.
He briefly considered if some potion or a substance had been slipped to him at dinner? Unlikely. The house elves would never allow food to be tampered with. He knew better than to ask Snape for any assistance. Chalk it up as a bad experience and to NEVER tell his father was best way to go.
Despite multiple sessions with various mind healers, Malfoy could not throw off the recurring series of intense dreams until end of that school year.
He'd ended up a nervous wreak as even Pomfrey's endless use of more & more powerful dreamless sleep potions refused to work. They were vivid, detailed, varied and oh so bloody realistic!
He was listless, irritable, hardly slept and failed half his end of year exams. It had taken most of his father's influence, calling in multiple favours and a fifty thousand galleon contribution to the schools 'muggleborn education fund' to keep him with his year mates. Having to repeat a year would mean so much loss of face, as to be social suicide in Slytherin political circles.
That rage in his father's face - and him snapping his cane in half! - while stood in headmaster's office as Dumbledore exceeding politely suggested that muggle fund donation would never leave him. If this continued next year, he'd likely find himself at Durmstrang before christmas. Not a good choice at all when considered deeply. No pupils there would know him & potential allies thin on the ground.
As it was he expected extreme punishments from father during two month summer holidays. And of course Lucius Malfoy's punishments were nothing to laugh at. While nowhere near as pain inducing or sadistic as his aunt's infamous rages, the prospect of facing those subtle paternal tortures made his blood run cold. Not going to the Quidditch world cup was just for starters he soon found...
It was ALL POTTER'S FAULT! But the Gryffindor had ignored him since before that first dream. He couldn't imagine that stinking scarhead keeping silent if he had been involved in any way? Ugly mudblood bitch Granger? No, she wouldn't break the rules like that and Weasel was too stupid to plan & accomplish anything so sneaky. That blood traitor had trouble keeping butter out of his hair while sloppily eating breakfast.
To Draco's great relief, his problems disappeared during July & August while grounded in Malfoy Manor, but returned with avengeance after arriving back at Hogwarts. He was packed off to the Scandinavian school before beginning of that October & never saw the other schools arrive for for the Triwizard tournament.
Lack of rest, disorientation and nerves caused him to vomit spectacularly on arrival by portkey. That had been quite an ominous start to his new placement at the institute. With the headmaster and most of the best older students departing not long after to Hogwarts, most of remaining pupils & staff largely ignored him. After that it didn't really get terribly better.
It took a further eight damnable months to become free of those accursed dreams of holding hands with Potter, kissing Potter, marrying Potter, HAVING POTTER'S BABIES and afterwards he never worked out where these perverse visions came from?
He had a extremely mediocre academic career at Durmstrang and left England for good after he graduated. The certainty of humiliation by bumping into any of his former Hogwart's schoolmates coloring his choice. Him going bald at twenty also didn't help matters - he put that down to stress of his father being chucked in Azkban and losing more than three quarters of Malfoy fortune in Ministry fines & reparations. Living in Austria he found some success as an exotic potions and powders trader. He never had any desire to marry, as any sexual contact with others made him picture Potter's face as they were in throws of passion. Those green eyes filled with potent lust! Eeep! And of course those flashbacks were even worse when he COULDN'T see Potter's face...
Voldemort's feeble attempt to return in 2041 was crushed by The Order of the Eternal Phoenix and Dumbledore's Legacy muggleborn group's Horcrux neutralizing charms & counter curses: Harry Potter's soul fragment having been removed years earlier at St. Mungo's under supervision of Hermione Granger-Weasley and her daughter Rose Longbottom.
The Boy Who Lived gaining final revenge by frying the so called 'Dark Lord' with a Muggle thermal lance was a final insult to Tom Jr. As Harry turned it on Riddle's limbless body, it was rumoured the screams could be heard from outside the Shrieking Shack to other side of Hogwarts.
Draco Malfoy passed away from a particularly nasty strain of dragon pox in his ninety third year. Bald, wrinkled, bent and with sunken features, his remains could've been mistaken for a very tall house elf. Only two extremely distant relatives attended his funeral, and then that was mainly to see if he'd left them any gold. It was not to be, as what little he owned was eaten up by providing him with medical care in those last few sad years.
(Fred and George's replacement of Draco's haircream with one of their more potent products was never detected. They smirked for weeks when the blonde ferret unknowingly packed up two full tubs when he left for Durmstrang!
It was only revealed in 2136 at reading of the late Fred's will. Their nine hundred relatives and friends filling the Brighton & Hove Quidditch stadium pissed themselves laughing for almost an hour at the revelation! Harry Potter had to be taken into a New St. Mungo's ward for the strain on his elderly chest, but recovered in a couple of days. For generations to come wizards, witch's & even muggles would go out of their way to taunt a large portrait of Lucius and his son, which still hung in a quite corner of the Ministry atrium. Icing on cake of this would often be portrait Draco hurling obscene insults back or breaking down in hysterical sobbing - which incited portrait Lucius to snear & smack him across the back of the head!)
Many thanks to whoever came up with original version of this - you're a total legend to render such hilarity into words!
(We'd like to think Draco would end up as a man whore in Knocturne Alley after Lucius loses all family money in fines!
As the great Gandalf would say "And that's a comforting thought")
| SophisticatedSage chapter 1 . 8/10/2019
Hermione has the best comebacks XD
| Crushcrush12 chapter 1 . 7/3/2018
JAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJAJ DIOS! Ya leí la otra historia (que espero que continúes) y esta. Fue fantástico. xd aunque admito que buscaba hhr y no se como llegue aquí. solo haré en mi mente como que al final fue hhr
Lo de ron me ha matado de risa XDDD
Xd él perdió desde el momento que besó la frente de ella
| The Blaze of Hestia chapter 1 . 5/21/2018
| galaxies in her eyes chapter 1 . 12/30/2017
Lmfao! Loved the ending!
| HarryPotter-yeet chapter 1 . 4/30/2017
Punch BLAISE NOW!
| Guest chapter 1 . 4/11/2017
Loved this! I try and write Hermione in a similar way! She's a bad girl for sure
| hpfan addict chapter 1 . 3/22/2017
Okay? —this was bloody marvelous!? And I'll admit it, I'm shamelessly in love with this idiotic, stupidly obsessed, goofy, and irrational –beyond reasonable doubt, version of my beloved Draco Malfoy! You know? I can't help but wonder if J.K., herself maybe didn't have some sort of crush on his character, why else would she have made him so darned irresistible? Hmm!? Anyways, you did an awesome job of giving him a 'descent into Hermione craving madness!' Not to mention you pretty much nailed her ability to flip the script on someone and prove her intelligence over them in an instant; nicely done, –that! Also, I really enjoyed Blaise's surprising confession. Really well done! Totally reeled me in for the "sorta sequel." Thanks,—Cheers!;-)
| Guest chapter 1 . 12/24/2016
Do not be its a great and funny entertaining one shoot
| MrsSnapeMalfoyNikiforovAgreste chapter 1 . 6/24/2016
Nice story loved the twist :)
Would be cool if possible, to do another chapter being either Draco's punishment/revenge plan/action on Hermione or Hermione having a bit of fun continuing to tease Draco and confuddle her friends.
Loved the plot and reactions of everyone at the end.
Thanks for your work!
Miss Ladybug xoxo
| Han solo chapter 1 . 11/3/2015
I know its just me but I would have liked some confirmation of future sex or relationship status.
| zealousideal chapter 1 . 9/3/2015
I can't wait to read the rest of your work! This was a really fun little one-shot, you created humorous and interesting characters and accomplished a lot in a short space. I know this is one of your much older works, so I'm really looking forward to reading the rest of your stuff!
| mshccs chapter 1 . 4/8/2015
Severus Snape actually laughed at him, haha...
| Guest chapter 1 . 11/12/2014
| SkyBlue1309 chapter 1 . 5/15/2014
Oh that's awesome! Too funny