Reviews for Unbidden, not Unwanted
Tails absolution chapter 1 . 8/11/2013
Very good you did a good internal conflict. Lyon's emotions were like a squall. The responsibility of defending his people, the jealous of Ephraim and the love and longing for Erika were all running amuck in his mind. He would do anything to save his people even if it was treading in the darkness of the unknown. Your story shows the frustration Lyon bears his wants but cannot have. The risk he's willing to take for the greatest good for humanity
Hawki chapter 1 . 6/13/2012
This is well written. Think Lyon is a bit of an underappreciated character IMO, and I think you cut to the heart of his persona here. At the start of the oneshot, it's kind of standard fare-researching the Sacred Stones, Demon King whispers to him, yearning for Eirika, etc. What elevates it above the rank and file however is the 'merging of thoughts' idea here, how he associates his thoughts of Eirika with the demon's whispers, and in the end, is left without the idea that his concious thought itself has been altered.

Again, good job.
IcedWings chapter 1 . 2/2/2010
I don't feel like writing a proper/formal review, so all I'll say is; cute, .
ffnaru chapter 1 . 6/16/2007
Well, what do you know. A Lyon/Eirika 'fic. Such a rare find in this fandom, as they're so underloved. :'(

I really /do/ like this oneshot, though. A lot. Granted, when I first saw that it was written in present tense, I was a little nervous. Most writers here that have attempted to write something in present tense usually have it blow up in their face. But you've pulled it off quite nicely, it would seem.

I have no complaints regarding characterization and flow of the oneshot itself, as it was spot on. Great job on that front.

There /were/ some technical errors here and there, though. Most of them were really tiny things that didn't detract from the story, but there were a few that made me pause for a moment and reread for clarity.

To mention a few:

1 - "...had to admit to himself that the story was so incredible, he could hardly believe it." I would stick in an "even" after the comma for clarity so that it doesn't sound so awkward. Also, the sentence before that one is a little tough to get through with all the commas.

2 - "Like the toll of the castle clock, his father's rejection ring loud and clear in his ears." Most likely a typo, but it should be "rings."

3 - "Softly, Lyon acknowledges the stark, suddenly clear words that sprang unbidden into his mind." I would think that maybe "spring" would work better here.

4 - "Ephraim, his friend, he was always a powerful young man." Might I suggest replacing the comma after "friend" with a dash, instead?

5 - This last one might be a nitpick, but: "His surprise is so great that Lyon's pen audibly scratches the paper, almost tearing it." "Quill" and "parchment," perhaps? Also, exchange the "his" and "Lyon," as the sentence sounds a little strange the way it's written currently. (So, the sentence should read, "Lyon's surprise is so great that his quill (pen) audibly scratches the parchment (paper), almost tearing it.")

That's about it for errors. Most of it was syntax - really small stuff.

I would say that the ending might need a little work, as it kind of just drops off and leaves me hanging - and not necessarily in a good way. I don't know if you intended for it to be that way, but it's kind of an awkward place to end. I feel like there should be a little more after that.

But, in the end, it all comes down to you. I don't claim to be an all-knowing punctuation/grammar/fanfic expert, and it's /your/ work, so the editing is at your discretion. Your style is your style, after all. I'm just giving suggestions.

Anyhow, that's it for me. Hopefully I didn't sound too harsh or pompous or anything, as I would be quite mortified if I did. DX

Great job, and keep writing! :D

Naru
Oregano Samurai chapter 1 . 4/2/2007
Phwe! I love Lyon! Why did he have to die? He should have gone with Eirika! Uhwah!

Ahem, yes...excuse me. That was uncalled for.

Anyways, this was written while he was possessed, yeah? (man, I am such an idiot!) It's brilliant, wonderful! I feel so sorry for Lyon...torn apart by his maddening love for Eirika...

Keep at it! (erm, I mean...not the tearing apart bit...the, uh...story, that is...)