Reviews for Darlene: The Perfect Daughter
MsScape chapter 3 . 4/29/2013
Oh my...this is just...this is just a huge W.T.F. There are run on sentences EVERYWHERE! I read the first line and I think I felt my brain deflate. Your grammar sucks, you need to learn how to properly construct a sentence, you need to learn how to use punctuation, and you need to learn how to do math, because if Darlene and David are twenty-two and have a twelve and eight year old, that means she had those children at ten and fourteen. Are you kidding me? I think I've lost quite a few brain cells in a desperate attempt of struggle and mental anguish to comprehend this travesty. And I see that you reviewed your own story. Um, no. You don't do that. You might think your story is good, and lord help you if you really consider this decent, but your opinion of your own story is irrelevant. Also, you need to research your subject matter. Another reviewer has already pointed that out, so I won't say anything else about that. If you were to write an English paper and handed in garbage like this, the teacher would surely laugh you out of the classroom and give you a big fat F.

Please do not consider yourself a writer. This is disgraceful. I've read some horrible fanfics, but this is up there with the worst. As much as I hate to say it, I understood My Immortal better than this, and that "story" is a disgrace to writing and fanfiction everywhere. I might be coming across as harsh, but when I leave a review, I'm blunt and honest. I seriously hope your writing has improved. By the way, keep in mind that if you submit any piece of material online, you are bound to get reviews similar to mine. Not everyone is going to like your story. So, just in case you hate the reviews you get, don't submit your work then. I'm actually hoping you were trolling. If you were, well, your terrible grammar and all that jazz certainly upset me.
Cattshire chapter 2 . 3/7/2010
I don't think I like this story.
Pen-Versus-Sword chapter 3 . 11/5/2008
Eh? Well...okay, some ConCrit for you.

First, do your homework. Research your subject matter.

Second, punctuation can be your best friend. Learn how to properly use English syntax, grammar, and punctuation.

Third, don't review your own story, please. There are a fair amount of people here on FFN that are NOT stupid. It wasn't too hard to pick you out of the list of reviewers, as you chose to review your own story using your pen-name. Jeez!

If you, for some silly reason, choose to seed your review-list, you ought to do it anonymously. BTW, seeding your reviews is underhanded and counter-productive anyway, as those reviews are there to help you improve as a writer and/or extol the virtues of your writing prowess.

Finally, your first two chapters were unnecessary, not to mention a blatant disregard of FFN rules. Read up on the ToS next time you post. And REALLY read them.
keepingitREAL chapter 3 . 8/21/2008
i can't believe people would actually waste their time reading this...

i can't even believe that you would take your time writing this crap.
khotz chapter 3 . 7/21/2008
Oh dear god I hate to flame you but... would you PLEASE THINK! What the HELL is this!

Darlene and David would have to have been ten when they had their oldest daughter, first of all. That is, I'm sorry to say, impossible. Besides, in this part, they are both twenty-two years old and Darlene isn't even pregnant. She's the perfect virgin daughter, right? _

And you know what? I'm not going to waste my time telling you all of the other mistakes you made. Other people that reviewed have probably crushed your pride by now, so I will just stop.

Obviously you are just a little kid who wants attention. So please, just do yourself a favor and go take some english and grammar classes.
EvilValenStrife chapter 1 . 6/22/2008
First off, copyright? WTF? Second, your dead cousin is probably crying right now... Third, 1,945 words of pure crap... My eyes did not deserve that... Now that I'm done flaming you, just fix up the grammar errors and other annoyances that make the story unreadable.
Fusionmix chapter 1 . 6/11/2008
1. Sex is not spelled (SEX) or "SEX". It's just, sex.

2. There are such things as 'quote marks'

3. See both 1 and 2.

4. See 3.
Arcanum Paradox chapter 1 . 3/29/2008
No one gives a damn about your dead cousin, if a reader messages you about (s)he, then send them a damned obituary.

Your entire first chapter is against Ff.n rules, and you have Paragraphs of Doom! How in the hell are we supposed to read this crap? Numbers 1-10 should be written out, Jesus, I can't even give a critical flame.

Your writing sucks, scrap this garbage.
Dragon34 chapter 3 . 2/29/2008
Um...ok. I'm confused. Is this a 'day' in the life of a teen? Cause it sounds more like 4 years 3 months and 1 week. don't seem to like quotations. At all...except around blocks of seemingly random text. Is this a creative thing on your part? Its a bit distracting. It would be easier to read if you used dialog.

Lastly...holy crap! 4 be a doctor, accountant, data entry, teacher AND a dentist? That's a bit much don't you think? Doctor alone takes upwards of 6 years depending on your specialty. How many credit hours did you imagine them taking a semester? 30? Its not possible, not in only 4 years. Please can only help.

Btw...don't review your own work...if you see the run-on sentences like your review says...why not just go in and fix them?

Sorry this is so long, but I'm only trying to help. With work, it seems like you have potential. Keep can only get better. :) Take care.
Xaniss chapter 3 . 2/23/2008
Your story is rather confusing - four years of study to graduate as a Doctor/Accountant/Data Entry/Teacher/Dentist? It would be more like (and basing this figure on duration of Degrees completed in my country) 20 years.

My advice is to research material before adding it to a story, find out how long a College Education takes for a particular specification - such as a Teacher. I am studying to be a teacher and it takes four years, three at some tertiary educations. Also, try not to contradict yourself - your title is 'A Day In The Life Of A Teenager' yet the events that play out in the content takes a little longer than a day. Lastly, a great way to indicate dialogue is to use quotations (" or ') it makes it easier to read. Good luck with your future writing, I wish you all the best.
ade5kira chapter 3 . 2/20/2008
Lol. Well, you might wanna consider using punctuation.

You need to construct you paragraphs...differently...The way you just...shoved everything together is not acceptable if you are actually considering writing a proper story.

And FYI, I told you where you went wrong, so it's not a flame. In case you don't know the definition of a flame, well, a flame is a negative review which doesn't point out where you went wrong, and doesn't give any tips for improvement.

There, I didn't flame. I honestly hope you improve. That would make your cousin really proud.
The Executor Zero chapter 1 . 1/19/2008
strawberries and napkins chapter 3 . 11/2/2007
I think your cousin will be happy that you put so much work into perfecting this story in every aspect.

I'm sure that she can now rest in piece knowing that you have taken the initiative to write what I can only call a work of art.

You have really done her well.

Kingdom Hearts 3D rocks chapter 3 . 9/3/2007
the whole story is so bad that it's beyond recovery. and you really shouldn't review your own story. and dont put quotes around the word sex, geez, that just blinds people. ill leave my review at that before it turns into a flame.
Loner Kitsune Girl chapter 2 . 7/17/2007
You can't copyright any stories here! This story sucks anyway. Sorry about your cousin, though.
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