|Reviews for Tales of The Cosmic War vol 1 A Hero's Evolution|
| joe chapter 6 . 4/5/2013
I heard that this was one of the best crossover fics on the site, so I came to check it out.
Is this a parody? I don't want to be rude, but this is almost (but not quite) Half-LIfe Full Life Consequences bad. Then I look at your profile and see 4million words. Thats a lot of effort. you have stage directions all over the story, your characters are one-dimensional, you have these moments all over the place where you all but say 'DunDunDun' and it just falls flat..actually lies flat is a better description since it doesn't get high enough to fall (like the scene in the 6th harry potter movie where Snape goes I am the Half Blood Prince with no context...except if something like that happened in every scene in every movie). Reading this story is like watching a moderately badly written porno (you're not quite that bad, but the thought crossed my mind as I was trying to describe it).
I CTRL-F'd 'and says' on this page and came back with MORE THAN 100 MATCHES! It's bad form and representative of the care (lack therof) you put towards this story.
All the same, there are flashes of...not quality (definately not quality)...I guess the potential for quality(?) throughout the story. You should look at some good writing and start a new, less than 50k word story (really, you should try to tell your story in less than 30k). If you're interested in Yu Yu Hakesho look up 'Of Snowballs, Cell Phones, and Homicide' by FinalArc. If you like over the top action look up 'Shinji and Warhammer40k' by Charles Bhepin. If you like intrigue, read the Game of Thrones series of books. If you've seen the Nanoha series, read 'Game Theory' by Immatrael (offsite under the penname Aleph). If you like The Legend of Zelda look up 'Insomnia' by tikitikirevenge or 'The Golden Power' by DBAinsw (up to the end of chapter 13[not that it's bad after that, but it's a good stopping point and chapter 21 is not the same story as chapter 20 and before. Chapters 21-26 is still a good story, but it's not the same one and chapter 20 isn't an ending point]). Each of these works creates a situation and has their characters approach it thoughtfully and according to their attitudes and desires. At the same time they also give the reader cause to care about these characters. Finally, they all have smoothly flowing dialogue and narration that draws the reader into the story (whereas your's could be more accurately described as shining a strobe light on the fourth wall).
Just...take the time to see what good writing is, throw off the dead weight of this story and write something short but engaging. I'm sure you could create something good if you put you mind to it and didn't let this...this...this...this...eyesore, contaminate it.
Anyway, you could be good.
| Lord Rynis chapter 34 . 3/7/2013
Back again at the thirty fourth chapter.
I won't comment on the obvious grammar and similar elements, because it's the same and I don't anticipate it changing. Before I comment on the quality, there is one thing I absolutely feel needs pointed out. I'll just consider that a permanent subtraction of whatever my final verdict will be.
-If you're wondering why I had my main character lose to the character in my story I hate the most, it's simple. Because when the time comes for a rematch it will be oh so much sweeter when Ben flattens him. That rematch might take a while, but that's just one of many things in store for Tales of the Cosmic Wars!-
Why do you say that? You really shouldn't spoil the story for the reader; I have to say it's disappointing the way that's worded. Flatten implying a one-sided battle means that it really kills the suspense of an obvious rematch between Ben and Brad. You should leave the reader(s) in suspense, that's one less thing to look forward to now.
Most of the chapters felt mediocre, probably because I detest the main character and don't feel any attachment to any of the others; Brad is really the reason I keep reading because he's over-the-top, but I get the feeling that he is a much bigger menace than this thug he acts like. On the note of Ben's 'support' characters so far are worthless, Doug and James feel one-dimensional and very forgettable. Ezan is horribly unoriginal, and I can't say he's very dignified when the author describes him as "a mix of Sasuke and Riku." (Which also tells the reader nothing, imagery related, of him). He feels like a carbon copy of Sasuke. He's terrible, but he is still worlds better than that atrocity that is Ben Auro. I'll give him to the end of Volume I to have any sort of redeeming qualities; I'd go into detail as to why I hate that character, but that would take up most of the review, and that isn't the point of a review.
The only other one I am kind of interested in is Lacus (I dislike her name, but I also have a deep seeded loathing of that Gundam series-see that pun there?), but she actually feels like a realistic character; she reminds me a lot of how girls are in their teenage years. I think of the Enji Kingdom as a Galactic High School, haha.
So, I should correct myself. Brad and Lacus are the best characters so far, and I do like them as a couple; there is a very twisted synergy to them. There seem to be [very subtle] similarities between Doug and Brad. They're both gung-ho, very aggressive, and love brawling. That has potential, but with the complete absence of growth or development for the former, it really isn't worth contemplating at this point.
After checking how many chapters are left, seems that I'm a bit more than halfway there. I am a fast reader, but I admit that I usually end up casually skimming what most of the characters say, especially in the fights so far. I can honestly say that the fights mostly feel mediocre so far; even though I enjoyed Ben getting thrashed, there is way too much talking in these fights so far. Somehow, I don't see that getting remedied either.
On a positive note though? It was very refreshing to see that Ben and Brad finally got around to duking it out; Ben's "victory" was kind of a buzzkill though honestly. My opinion of him has nothing to do with it either. (Although I did enjoy envisioning him get the beating of his life) I think it would have been a lot more dramatic if Ben just outright lost; not only would the main character have to deal with the fact he's completely outclassed, it would also thrust the Enji and their customs into a bit of disarray and possibly emphasize on Sabin's "double edged sword" outlook on Brad, the whole "He's a troublemaker, but I think I can work him out of it" mentality. Which, I like.
Dark Enji as Organization XIII. I laughed. Xemnas could pass for a Dark Jedi. The idea of the other Organization members being compared to the Dark Jedi is pretty silly; I see where you were coming from though, and I suspect the parallel will be very similar to the Jedi and their dark counterparts.
| Lord Rynis chapter 12 . 3/1/2013
Just finished Chapter 12.
Quina spits back at Brad and says,
" That's it, no soup for you! Those who don't have willingness for variety soon taste as bad as poison toads!" Brad then narrows his eyes and pounds his tray hard enough to shatter it before he says"
What's that freak? How about I put your big tongue in the oven, then we will see how much you like variety!"
On one note, it's sad to see that the dialogue structuring like this isn't improving. I'm guessing that it won't from here on out. The poor structuring, spelling, grammar, and punctuation really are a big minus.
A slight positive note though, it was funny to see Brad trash Quina. That character always felt so pointless to me. Good to see Brad being awesome in his over-the-top manner, and that he's tappin' Lacus. Awesome!
-First Ezan Kaiba looks like if you merged Saskue from Naruto with Kingdom Heart's Riku.-
What the hell does that mean? That doesn't give an accurate image at all, friend. That's like telling the reader to mix spaghetti and sauce together to get pasta; there's a ton of pasta types, y'know?
-My version is a combo of the original, the Jedi temple from Star wars, and Hogworts from Harry Potter.-
Same thing here. This tells the reader absolutely nothing; you may have an image of it in your mind (I don't even know how you could conjure imagery with a terribly vague statement like that).
-Vaan gets outraged at this and says," Don't compare him to Reks! They don't have anything in common at all!"-
Haha, true enough. Reks, for the limited time he was around, was competent. Ben Auro is still really annoying; despite that, I hope to see him and Brad have a good battle in the future. Hopefully with Brad putting him in his place, which would also be good for Ben's growth. Brad & Lacus is such a high school jock/dumb chick pairing, but it's awesome. Brad is easily the best part of this story so far! I can't help but think you did this intentionally, and if you did, that's great. I usually laugh when Brad's on screen, but I laugh at him, not with him.
In better news, things do seem to be picking up. There's blatant bias here, but I think every crossover fan has a little bias here and there; I'm one of those who never liked Final Fantasy VII from the get-go, especially not with how badly the fandom butchered Cloud & Sephiroth. Or maybe after Ben's victory, he'll start manning up...I have my doubts though.
We'll see where the plot goes from here. I don't see the terrible grammar and such getting any better, so I'll just have to attempt to look past that.
Cheers mate. I will continue more later.
| Lord Rynis chapter 6 . 2/28/2013
Hey, what's up Necron? Was reading Ch 6 when we were talking over Ventrilo. I am a very fast reader.
One thing that really stuck out to me was this.
"The best way to describe this castle is that it's a mix of both Hallowed Bastion and Land of the departure from the Kingdom Hearts series, Hogwarts from the Harry Potter series, and the Jedi temple from the Star Wars series."
First off, Hollow Bastion. While Hallowed is a word, it's not the correct name.
Second, I wouldn't call that a 'way to describe.' Nothing about that tells me, or the reader, what that looks like; simply put, saying that it's a 'mix of' those things is way too vague, pretty lazy, and absent of any accurate imagery. Let's not forget that HB, LotD, and the Jedi Temple all look VERY different.
Enji eh? Haha, I see what you did there.
Not really into any of the characters so far. Brad is kind of amusing because he is so over-the-top, I might end up liking him as time progresses. I have a speculation of him, but it's way too early to tell. No offense, but my first impression of Ben Auro is pretty bad. He sounds like a spoiled brat, as seen in the scene with his parents. Would be nice to see if there's a reason behind why Ben and his father have tension. He feels like one of those characters who has no self esteem at all, yet is completely self-absorbed.
There are already a lot of characters, and while I understand that to a degree being a crossover, I can see this number of characters interfering with the development of the original characters because that's a lot to juggle around.
My biggest problem is the dialogue structuring. It is irksome, to put it lightly.
Dialogue looks like this...
"Oh no, we'd best be on our feet!"
Not like this...
Oh no, we'd best be on our feet!"
Well so far, at least Brad is interesting; I'll keep reading, to see if things develop the way I think they will. And who knows, maybe my mind will change about the others characters. Ben is annoying, and most of the others didn't leave an impression on me yet, so I'll say I'm currently neutral on characters such as Doug or Lacus.
My last critique is that you begin WAY too many of your sentences with "With that." There are many ways to begin a sequence of events, saying with that constantly is kind of lazy. Sorry, there needs to be some variety there.
The idea of a Jedi-esque order supervising other worlds is kind of neat, it reminds me a lot of how the characters in Kingdom Hearts traverse through the different realms, which I'm sure you probably were going for. Nice little touch there, friend.
I enjoy crossovers (seriously, who doesn't like the Super Smash Bros series?), though as I mentioned before, having too many characters can be a bad thing because it becomes difficult to manage. I usually prefer crossovers with a smaller roster, but I'm not the captain of this ship if you know what I mean. I'll stick around, because the story itself has potential; hopefully these flaws I mentioned above are improved upon as I go on though.
| Piccolo Sky chapter 62 . 11/11/2012
I'm going to post my review of the book as a whole, but a few notes on this section first...
"Alright, let's show them they can't beat us so easy. All Zeon troops retreat at once!"
...Uh...I think this statement needs rewording. It's kind of like saying, "Ready everyone? Alright! Hands in... One, two, three...WE SURRENDER!"
And wasn't Bass a far-inferior model to ones like X and Zero? In the game, Wily even states that Bass was a failure compared to his design for Zero.
As to whether or not Atem is an idiot remains to be seen. Anyone can spout rhetoric. I didn't see him suggest any real actions in that speech of his. Just empty platitudes. Of course, after the last chapter, he seems to be the real deal.
FYI, "craven" means "cowardly".
What an idiot of a main bad guy. If the only qualification to being "worthy" is consenting to serve him, then logically he would end up with minions who were spineless jellyfish. I'm sorry, I didn't really care to read much of the rambling bad guy speeches. Unless there was anything new in them, I'm assuming there was no reason not to just skim over them.
Alright...over and done with...time for a review of the whole thing.
I can do this one of two ways: good first and then bad, or bad first and then good. I think I'll do the second so we can close on a positive note.
I was in a discussion recently with another person about the lack of good Kingdom Hearts fanfiction out there. After discussing a bit, we found out why. Everyone uses it to try and just shove everything they think is "cool" into one story, and it ends up being a case of too many cooks spoiling the soup. I think that was the case here.
In reality, it's not just the worlds. KH worked because it had quite a bit of originality to it. But this...I can tell almost everything that's not straight from a game is a ripoff. It even says as much when you say everything "looks like" something else or someone else. If you left a degree of ambiguity, it would be better for you in the long run.
But frankly...the fights and the speeches.
I've said most of what I want to say about the fights over the course of this story, but I'll say this again: less fights, higher quality. At the bare minimum, "trim the fat off" of the current fights. Your final battle was actually laid out very well. In fact, I dare say all of your fights look great in outline form. But all of the cliches...the "dust clearing"...the "repeated speeches"...they've got to go. Your fights will be twice as good if you get rid of the excess stuff.
And the speeches...ugh. You've got to cut back on the speeches. It's just too much. Between the speeches everyone gives, it's like I'm watching one of those old movies with a mountie and a man in black with a mustache...so...incredibly...CLICHE. You said this was based off of a manga format. Last I looked, prose isn't manga format. It's not Anime format. It's not film format. It's PROSE FORMAT. You've got to start catering to it.
Please, please, PLEASE get rid of some of the cliches and speeches...especially pointless cliches and speeches that just say the same thing they've said in the last 100 speeches again. As you know, the constant repetition of cliches and speeches caused me to storm off more than once. I have a hard time believing it hasn't done the same to other readers.
And on another note, there's no need to foreshadow every single thing in the story. In this chapter, for example, I knew it was Albert Wily the second he showed an interest in Zero. You see...because that was so abrupt and sudden, it immediately made the reader pick up the connection in a heartbeat. Zero isn't a real character in this story. He's being used for one-liners and fanservice, just like almost other character from a different genre in this story. Hence, when you have a scene like that, you might as well advertise: READER: PLOT POINT COMING. And it was painfully obvious to me way back at the halfway point of this story that Kira is going to become a villain. So...just ease up a bit on that.
I've told you this a half dozen times...your original portions of this story are good. When I read the summary of your final battle, I thought it was great. I thought it had a good number of twists and turns in them and they were quite interesting. Your problem is the execution. You've got to ease up on the bantering, the speeches, and the cliches. If you do that...your story will be amazing. I'll tell you right now when I read the summaries, I was hooked. It wasn't until I read the actual story that I lost interest.
Much as characters like Brad and Lacus annoy me to no end...I'm going to have to give you a thumbs up for putting them in. You know why? Realism. If Lacus didn't have such massive self-esteem issues and characters flaws, she'd be boring. Any annoying as Brad is, he's a bit different from the standard fare in this story. That's what I like about what you're doing. When you make an original character, you make an ORIGINAL character. It really makes me wish you'd change the names and appearances of everyone in the story so that they all at least "looked" original. Now, my only concern now is if you can stay the course and have what logically and realistically would happen to characters like this if this was real. If you can...I give you a standing ovation.
You've definitely made leaps and bounds since you started. That doesn't mean you should get sloppy and stop now. It means you can make this perfect yet. If you continue to improve from this point, then I feel I have a lot to look forward to in volume two.
| Piccolo Sky chapter 61 . 10/28/2012
"You've been saying that for months." THANK YOU, Ben, for sounding my thoughts.
Again, Xehamaru's insult to Kira is kind of like the pot calling the kettle black, since he is also single minded to "justice". It's just his version of justice is letting some guy blow everything up.
Sorry...but a lot of this chapter really dragged. I mean, don't say you're about to attack if you're not going to do it for another ten pages or so... Even the characters started to ask, "Um, why are you just standing around?"
And...I'm sorry, I've got to roll my eyes at the villains reactions. They were all so confident that Xehamaru was going to win easily, and when he gets destroyed, they all don't even care? Like one of their little henchmen got offed? They especially have no reason to boast since they all admitted in the last chapter they were inferior to the guy who just got beaten.
And what's this "as you predicted" crap supposed to mean? So what was the point of this entire volume, then? "Let's just have a bunch of our guys get killed for fun?" "We're doomed to fail but let's have all these guys lose anyway?"
Not buying it. Sorry.
| Piccolo Sky chapter 60 . 10/21/2012
I noticed a ton of recycled Goku vs. Frieza stuff in this chapter.
Oh look, "Ultros" ran off again. Big surprise. Could have knocked me over with a feather. :/
...The "Have a nice fall" comment from the computer was kind of weird. It was like something out of "Spaceballs".
Sigh...and so the fight drags on and on longer... I suppose you had to throw in the bit about his little toadies not being that impressed with his newest power up (I'm not going to say final because for all I know this is going to keep going on a dozen more times, and that seems more than likely the way this has been going.). Because if they were really stunned, then logic would suggest they would be more scared of the people who kill him.
The arrogance is getting to me. What the *bleep* is the deal with the bad guys calling the good guys arrogant? This is getting to be ridiculous...and it's starting to sound supremely stupid and OVERWHELMINGLY REPETITIVE. I may have to take a while because I can read the next chapter, because I'm getting royally sick of it again.
| Piccolo Sky chapter 59 . 10/13/2012
Interesting that Xehamaru tries to lecture Brad on using brains over brawn, when he seems to think his own power is so high he doesn't need to worry about things like that anymore. In a way, he's got the same mindset as Brad.
Also, why does Xehamaru think he's so stupid? Don't they have the same mindset...might makes right? If anything, you'd think he'd like him. Oh well.
"Your mocking has grown old." ...Again, I'm in perfect agreement.
By around the middle of this chapter, you would think the villain would have enough brains to lose some overconfidence, as he's been pretty much wrong about every single boast and "unfailing tactic" he's attempted. He hasn't even managed to kill anyone at that point.
...I wonder how many successive times in a row everyone's going to go to "full power"... :/ And before you respond that that's what I did in "The Griever Saga" and "The Sorceress Cycle"...people complained about it which is why I stopped doing that in succeeding volumes, and why I'm rewriting "The Sorceress Cycle". I find one time is sufficient.
| Piccolo Sky chapter 58 . 9/23/2012
Quick question...how long is your typical chapter? I can't really tell because there aren't "pages" on the posts, but I think a good rule of thumb is to try to keep them around ten pages. I try for that myself. I don't always make it, in fact as of late I haven't much lately, but it's still a good goal to shoot for.
During that fight, I couldn't help but imagine an old Spider-Man quip. "What do you mean 'last time you'll show me mercy'? A Florence Nightingale you never were!" ...Yeah, I'm a nerd, and probably one of the only people who gets that joke. Oh well.
Ben really nailed it on the whole "rant every two minutes"... You know, these bad guys would have a lot more success if they just threw everything that had at the start of these fights rather than immediately assuming nothing will hurt them in their most low-powered states. Heh...but I'm one to talk. :P
Finally, something I agree with Xehamaru on...Lacus has incredibly low standards. :P
I noticed that there are a lot of parallels between this story and the Star Wars prequel trilogy... It's starting to make me think you might be going in the same direction in the later volumes... I'd caution against that if you can avoid it.
| Piccolo Sky chapter 57 . 9/8/2012
Sorry, it ended up taking me a week longer than anticipated, but I finally got this chapter in.
| Piccolo Sky chapter 56 . 9/1/2012
Finally got a chance to read this chapter. I'll try to read another one tomorrow to get back "on track".
| Piccolo Sky chapter 55 . 8/19/2012
Feh...Lexaeus. Wasn't he technically the first member of Organization XIII to "die", making him the wimpiest one? When are these blithering morons going to realize no one is EVER dead after an ultimate attack?
And I'm sorry...but I've got some criticism this time.
It really feels like you're padding the story at this point, throwing in all these extra fights which, I'm sad to say, are getting repetitive. Even worse is the bantering. None of it serves any purpose at all. The good guys never change their opinions...the bad guys never change their opinions...it's meaningless. And it makes all the bad guys seem like they're full of hot air and the good guys seem like they're "Dudley-Do-Right". I usually don't even read it now, just skip to where they start "doing something" again.
I know you've said you were trying to make this more Anime-like...but the fact of the matter is a lot of long-running Animes are overly padded. Heck, a lot of "one season" Animes are overly padded. They could do with a whole lot less. I don't know if you've ever seen the second Mortal Kombat live action movie...but this story is starting to seem like that, essentially all these characters thrown in simply to have a fight and then toss them aside...which made the movie seem...cheap.
I doubt you'll ever do it, but if you ever rewrite this again, I'd go so far as to give the axe not only to half the fights in this final sequence but half the fights in the entire story. Better to have a few high-quality fights then a lot of little ones that recycle the same things again and again. At the bare minimum...try doing the same fights with no dialogue or minimalized dialogue.
| Guest chapter 1 . 8/17/2012
i liked it
| Piccolo Sky chapter 54 . 8/12/2012
Hmm...no Lacus this chapter. If I was her, however, I'd work on sabotaging the ship rather than going up against any bad guys, in particular the engines and shields so it could get blown out of the sky.
Oh, for the love of goodness, Nightmare...shut up. You've already been defeated three times this story alone. You're effectively the Ultros of this fanfic...
I couldn't help but roll my eyes a little bit at your main bad guy's boasting... Yes, send a bunch of average peon henchman the hero's way...I'm sure that will get rid of him. After all, that strategy has only never worked...
Hmm...still a long way to go...
| Piccolo Sky chapter 53 . 8/8/2012
Phew! Finally got a chance to read it!
Appropos sentiments from that Venom Myostimon thing... Now he has to go in the category of most henchmen: "Kind of dumb and easy to kill."
I think it's a foregone conclusion that Lacus is going to be smacked down violently, necessitating a hostage crisis in the climax. I could be wrong though. Just making my predictions.