|Reviews for the living and the dead|
| CSS Stravag chapter 4 . 10/7/2007
I'm not sure what kind of game Athrun is trying to play here, but this is either going to end beautifully or brutally, and so far I can't really tell which one will win out. The suspense is making the matter all the more interesting as far as I can sense. This one just made one of my favorites :P
I can also tell that you grammar and sentence structure are becoming clearer as you go forward. I tend to overlook such matters normally, but the better written fics make it a lot easier to enjoy them. Thank you for the post in the Reviews forum, and if you want I have a few fics you can try, since you seem to like putting characters in strange places.
All in all, I am looking forward to your next chapters and your involvement in the reader's circle :P Keep 'em coming, comrade.
| CSS Stravag chapter 2 . 10/7/2007
The improved length makes the chapter all the more interesting, IMHO. More room to play with turns of phrase and build a complex plot.
I like the initial meeting. Athrun Zala, sucked backwards in time, first meets the princess in question in such a fashion that she thinks he is a peeping tom hentai. You can just sense the word 'complications' in the aire of that one. Now, my question is, how are they going to reconcile, and how is he going to explain that this is not his native time period?
Shin and Stella. Not oft do I read fics with those two in it, mainly because the dev on Shin in SEED Destiny does not make him one of my favorites. At the end, he turns out to be the wrong flavor of crazy for my liking, but in this case, so far so good. An honest look at Shin without him being psycho would be nice...
And I think the premise of the time travel is entirely logical. From a scientific standpoint, yeah, doing so would require a lot of energy and some form of initiator to execute it. You could probably get away with spicing it up as well, adding in your own details and methods and still make it logical. The challenge is getting it to sound logical. Good luck!
An interesting premise. I shall momentarily read the next chapter :P
| CSS Stravag chapter 1 . 10/7/2007
I find myself rather impressed, actually. The nature of the story actually lends itself to what I think is about to happen, and this could get interesting really fast. I may have to consider this possibility.
You did manage to capture the tendencies of the characters while in a different setting, which makes the whole matter all the more amusing on the face of it. At the end, though, I would say that Miriallia and Shiho could stand a little more action in the story, they seem to much like background noise to me, there yet not.
Keep them coming, this is just starting to get rather interesting.
| shin-neh chapter 1 . 10/6/2007
hi to my dear self.. why art thou abandoning this fic? err... maybe because you're just so high with bleach and gsd and not naruto? eh? yep that makes sense..
about the reviews.. thank those people .. i know right now it doesn't matter if there are people reviewing in this fic.. what matter is there are some who care to read.. just stick in your brain that you can finish ALL that you've done..
soon you'll accomplish this thing.. with or without reviews to perk you up..
keep the fire burning! study now you idiota! only 32 hours left and a mind-boggling exams will eat you alivee
| anja-chan chapter 1 . 10/4/2007
Okay, heads up: I write the review as I review so it all stays in chronological order. Also, I tend to be a little harsh, but that doesn't mean I don't like your story; simply that I see where you could improve. I number these, so that you won't get lost in the review, because hopefully you will open up two windows or tabs and reread your own chapter while checking this review. Here goes.;)
1. Usually stories are written in past tense. Yours is not.
2. "The low mocking tone of Dearka Elthman made Yzak shot an eye on him." Okay, this sentence makes me suspect English is not your first language. Kudos to you for writing in a foreign language if I'm right, but I would change this sentence to "The low mocking tone of Dearka Elthman makes Yzak shoot a [glare/glance/glower/stare] at him." That way, the sentence is still present tense and the idiom holds.
3. "'Dude, I'm just kidding...'[sic] Dearka..." You have the period outside of D's quotation marks, so just move it back inside.
4. "...to put him in almost all [this] stuff." "Stuff" is never plural.
5. Okay, it would probably be either: "I will consider your theory" or "I'm considering your theory."
6. In stories, if someone isn't speaking, usually contractions are omitted ("it's" "it is").
7. Hm, I would change these lines to: "Since he is filthy rich, he has been able to fulfill his passion. All he wants is to explore and study more about Orb." It just sounds more natural to me.
8. Sure: Shiho Hahnenfuss and Miriallia Haww.
9. "For three years, they have been analyzing how the Orb people lived, and today is their lucky day."
10. Don't forget to add punctuation before closing your quotations. If you have a 'he says' or variant of that (shouts, asks, etc.), use anything but a period. If you want to use a period, then that means it should be a comma.
11. The sentence: "He sure found a very fascinating discovery" seems rather off. I would change it to: "He must have discovered something very fascinating."
12. Oh, now you've switched tenses to more of a past tense style. Hmm. Choose one. I recommend working in past tense, because it's so common and really easy to accidentally slip into. Yeah, find a beta reader who can find your tense errors. I'm not going to specifically point them out anymore.
13. Even if you want to clarify the "we" that Dearka uses, don't put it in parenthesis in his speech. Otherwise, it sounds like he's saying it. If you find yourself needing to do things like that, it means that you need to give more description to go along with the dialogue. Try writing that Athrun and Yzak ran over to where Dearka was excavating with the help of hired workers or something.
14. A diameter is the width of a circle, not a measurement. I think you simply meant 'meters,' although then that would be a rather large hole, several times larger than the 10 foot excavation pit.
15. "As both of them set their eyes on it, they were dumbstruck."
16. "Yzak drifts out of his state of shock." If he drifts "out into" a state of shock, it means he is simply shocked.
17. "Shiho muttered as she examined a pot closely." Yeah, I don't really know why the adverb would be at the end of the sentence rather than near its verb, but it sounds more natural.
18. Haha, 'thingy.' Nice.
19. "...that is made meticulously as observed for there are inscriptions on it." Okay, I'm not exactly sure what this means, but what I think you mean is: "...that had obviously been meticulously constructed, evidenced by the myriad of inscriptions littering its moldy surface." Okay, maybe I got a little carried away and changed a little too much of your wording, but hopefully that's closer to what I think you meant.
20. "'coz" is not appropriate for any story as a contraction (which in most stories shouldn't be there either) unless it is being spoken by a character who pronounces it that way.
21. Let's hope Meer is sitting "on" an oak bench, rather than "in" one.
22. Okay, I read this a few times. Here's what I think you should do:
"She faced him, smiling. 'Don't be too shy to say what's on your mind, Athrun. Whatever you feel -anything at all- is fine.'
Ohh, how she wished she could just embrace him instead and be at his side forever, but no matter how hard she wanted to, she couldn't do it. She believed they were better off friends."
23. "'Ahh, heh, an old lady at an antiquity shop gave me this necklace with an emerald stone and then started talking about my fate. At first, I think she's crazy because she knows my name and says that I'll soon be happy with the one I love and I'll meet her here...' he said, letting out a deep sigh.
The words made Meer blush lightly and her heart beat furiously in the vain hope that she was the one he loved.
Athrun continued his story, oblivious to Meer's sudden elation, 'Then all of a sudden, the old woman asks for money. So, I think she's just a misfortunate lady that does fortunetelling stuff for money. Well, I just keep this necklace for...' He stopped, unsure of what to say. He could not think of any real reason for keeping the necklace, but one. 'Weird. I never thought that maybe it's because it calms me.'"
24. Heh, nice job making Dearka annoy Yzak. That seems rather well in character. I can totally see him just poking him with a pen.
25. Cool, the storyline is picking up as Athrun ventures alone to the tomb and collapses. Although, I do have a question. Is Athrun reading something without knowing what he is doing? Can he understand it? Or is it like once he sees the writing, he instantly can understand and read it, even though he never learned it?
26. "She wasn't fat, was she?"
27. Cool, Athrun just found his own tomb! Hehe. Anyway, that was a neat way to introduce what part Athrun will play without actually showing it (yet?). A very nice touch to have the other scientists (Y and D) come up with the idea on their own.
Overall, an entertaining and interesting beginning. This review is in response to your plea for reviews in the "Reap what you sow" forum, so please stop by some of my stories and tell me what you think. I've been really busy lately, so it might be awhile before I get to reviewing your next chapters, but I encourage you VERY STRONGLY to find a beta reader to edit your work before you post so that readers can focus more on the story you are trying to tell, rather than grammar and punctuation.
| JC-zala chapter 4 . 10/4/2007
This was shorter than the other chapters. Hmm...It's okay since this one is kinda funny and it shows the growing feelings of the characters. Yzak is acting all soft around Shiho-san. What about Milly-san and Dearka? I would love to read about them.
Thanks for the update. Please write more. Ja ne!
| JC-zala chapter 3 . 10/4/2007
Eh? Yuuna Seiran! That jerk. Gahh! *Ahem* Sorry about that. I was shocked by that freaky name.
This story reveals one mystery after another. Plus, the plot keeps on getting better. Something is brewing between Athrun and Cagalli. This is so nice. Keep up the good work.
| JC-zala chapter 2 . 10/4/2007
The first meeting was a not-so-good one. Now Cagalli thinks of Athrun as a pervert. Hehe... She's really a feisty one. I love her character. Poor Stellar... She's sick. And I see Shinn is arrogant as usual. Hehe. Good call on chapter 2.
| JC-zala chapter 1 . 10/4/2007
Yup,Milly is Miriallia Haww's nickname.
I must say that I'm impressed of your writing style here. You were able to describe things well. There's also some light humor here thanks to Dearka and Yzak. So, Meer has feelings for Athrun. Too bad for her.
The princess and the knight. Wow! Interesting plot.
| Hades.Throne.Heiress chapter 4 . 7/11/2007
I though Athrun accidentally locked the door... 'nyways, update soon ] ] ] (Yzak's acting really sweet here n.n)
| CagalliRules chapter 4 . 7/7/2007
| Minatsuki chapter 4 . 7/7/2007
we!~ yah finally updated! more updates pls?
| AuthorReaderOtaku chapter 3 . 5/21/2007
love this chapter. especially on athrun n cagalli's sleeping on the same bed. hehehe. update soon.
| Jays Arravan chapter 3 . 5/18/2007
This is a very nice fic.
I've always liked the fantasy-timetravelling fics. This one is very well made. I really like how Athrun and Cagalli met. That is such a classic scenario.
I also like this fic because it has Shinn and Stellar as a side pairing.(Yay for ShinnxStellar!)
Please update soon.
| AuthorReaderOtaku chapter 2 . 5/9/2007
great story. update soon