|Reviews for Ecstacy|
| Agent Pikachu chapter 1 . 5/5/2013
I agree with the one below me,too fast,not enough explanation. And for some reason I was thinking of Sora yelling at Roxas for stealing his ketchup and Tuna,which rox didn't,when I read that review XD So yeah,terrible,too fast,Boo!
| Sunechirei chapter 1 . 11/2/2010
Okay, no offense, but this story sucks. There is nothing here but smut and horrible writing.
It's too fast, too choppy, and extremely unrealistic. People do not just randomly go up to someone and say they love them, then get confessed to as well, then have sex. It doesn't make any sense at all.
Also, if you post stuff on here, you can't expect people to NOT give you a bad review. Get used to it. If someone really doesn't like something, chances are they aren't going to stay quiet about it, so grow up and accept the fact that you will get flames, especially if you keep posting stuff like this. If you just want to be praised, then go somewhere else.
Of course, you should want flames, so that you know what you should work on as a writer. That just makes a ton more sense.
So go ahead and cuss me out, get pissed at me, and be rude. It's not going to change the fact that this isn't a very good story, and it's certainly not going to stop me from speaking my mind.
Sorry to hurt your feelings (actually, I'm not really), but you really needed to hear that.
| ArashiAkurei chapter 1 . 4/8/2009
How should I say this... I feel that if you could edit some of the parts, it'd be much better. The drabble is really out of the blue and doesn't explain anything about Yuki's decision to confess to Zero. I'm not saying that you should totally explain all the events since day one of the manga, but just explain her thoughts on him BEFORE she confesses. Like, pick a random day from the manga and think about how you would fit this whole one-shot in there.
Also, please check your punctuation and grammar. Not to mention spelling. It's okay to slip up once in a while, but not every sentence. "Here" is a place. "Hear" is a verb. Also, "messaging" should have been spelled as "massaging." And... I think the part where Yuki mentions protection should be written in a way where it isn't so stiff. Yes, it's very awkward to bring up condoms when you're in a moment. Therefore, I think if Yuki was a bit more... hesitant and Zero was a bit more surprised, it would flow more. You know what I mean?
Next is penetration. I'm not saying you should describe every detail because that could get you in trouble on here. What I want to say is a girl's first time should come with a LOT of preparation. Even if he went in slowly, Yuki would have been in SO much pain. I'm not even talking about cringing, I'm talking about screaming and like, pushing Zero AWAY as a reflex. If you put a bit of foreplay in there a bit after the licking, it'd make more sense. Read up on some lemons and see how other authors go about it. Or heck, invade Wikipedia.
Last, the falling asleep part is redundant. The first time it mentions she's asleep should be deleted. Instead of saying "...laid her head on his hard chest and fell asleep... before she did she heard zero say that he loved her so much..." you should re-word it. Say that she laid her head on his chest and as she drifted off to sleep she heard the words "I love you." Or maybe a different variation of that. That way, it finishes off smoothly.
I would also advise you to get someone to proofread your stories-a friend maybe? It'll help you get better and they'll be able to find mistakes that you might miss and give you tips on future stories.
| Palette chapter 1 . 12/23/2008
Why do shun writers who offer their time to give out criticisms which could help improve your work? Do you have such limited vocabulary that, if someone were to take and erase the cuss words from the human language, you'd be a walking wreck, crying in the corner using a thesaurus as a pillow?
Never insult a writer, and, mind you, you've told me before that I should read my own 'sh*t'? Well, I have and still do so, because I proofread them before publishing it in fanfiction.
I'd like to say the same to you, that you proofread, but you don't. Clearly, that much is obvious.
Hope to hear from your very, very broad word-set. In fact, I can't even tell how wide your vocabulary is. Maybe it stretches out to outer space, and got sucked in a black hole, lengthening it further.
Yes, the latter is most likely it. And whoops! You made a boo-boo.
It seems you left it there, along with your brain, as well.
| lexoradiation chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
As others have said, it's a nice story, but I think you need to work on it. It's very jumpy and rushed. So take your time writing and be a little more descriptive. You'll have some lovely stories if you slow down a bit.
One part I found kind of...odd, i guess, was that Zero had a condom in his pocket. Did he wake up that morning deciding he was going to have sex? I dunno, maybe its just me, but that part kinda threw me off.
| venom4mylove chapter 1 . 5/14/2008
Awesome one-shot, write more vampire knight fanfics pretty please...It is essential for my survival through this crewel, crewel world...
| Mouzai chapter 1 . 4/24/2008
The way you write... It's so stiff. Your "sentences," are so 'far apart' that it's almost as if you were going to write a whole new paragraph.
I'll cite some. Taken from your story, of course.
[Ex: After they let each other go Zero took Yuki back to her dorm. Zero could still taste Yuki's lips in his mouth as he started to leave. Yuki noticed that he was having trouble holding back the blood thirst.] It jumps from one idea to another, and even though sentences are meant to do that, it sounds wrong.
One more thing: nothing's chasing you, so why the rush? Take your time in describing how they felt... Or something.
Well, Whatever. It's your choice to respond.
| KanraToshi chapter 1 . 12/4/2007
hm...there's a good plot in this story, but you need to slow it down. practice, and you'll get the hang of it. but rushing stories is something that i hate to see. please consider to rewrite this. i feel that it could become such a better story if it wasn't rush so much.
| White Sakura of Hope chapter 1 . 11/30/2007
I understand the need for more YukixZero Lemon in this fanfiction world, and I also understand the urge to write when you have an idea in your head. However, lemons need developments in the beginning. A sort of "foreplay". Two people don't just jump in bed after they confess their love for each other.
When I was reading it, I find it hard to imagine the characters acting this way. The characters are OOC. Next time when you write a fic, pay attention to the personalities of the characters, and make their personalities collide in a way without bending them.
I noticed the way you write is mostly based on the "action" of the characters. More description would be nice. Also, try putting in emotions or thoughts next time. For example, instead of simply writing "Oh Zero..." She moaned.(then w/e zero does next), you can elaborate it with more detail like:
Yuki's back arch, craving for more of this pleasure that she has no experience of.
"Oh Zero..." No longer able to hold back, she allowed the moan to escaped her lips, unaware of it exciting Zero to the next level. ETC ETC ETC (the rest is for you to rewrite yourself)
I used to write the way you do a couple years ago when I first started fanfiction. But skills take time to develope. Despite the fact that I have yet to master the art of writing fanfiction, I believe that my writing has improved a lot during the course of reading other's work (especially major ones) and improving my own english. So, You can do it too. Try to think about all those things next time. That's what constructive reviews are for.
| neo91 chapter 1 . 11/14/2007
your writing almost seems like your english isn't all that good or you are very young. but you had a good idea, just not the right way discribing it.
| velrexby chapter 1 . 10/29/2007
cool cool! now that should be a chapter in the manga!
| saidtheirnevers chapter 1 . 10/11/2007
May I be perfectly honest with you? I understand that Zero and Yuki look hot together, and yes they wuv each udder vewy much; however, the first two lines made me quit reading. This is something I know I used to do in my writing, but you're forgetting to establish the relationship between the characters BEFORE you write out your heartfelt fantasy. Starting a story with "I love you" is the best way to write a story about a newly married couple, and just a month after the marriage, the husband is having two affairs at one time, and the whole family falls apart when their kid is twelve. However, it's not the smartest move to write this type of story the way you chose to.
If I may attempt to correct this mistake? If you won't allow me to, then don't read this part, because if you don't want to hear it, I don't want to have said it. I think you could start this story off with Zero and Yuki as friends, and keep in mind that in the manga she starts off liking Kaname. Then Yuki begins to understand Zero's big problem with blood and blood tablets, and she offers her blood to him, right? So naturally, this is where Zero starts to feel that lust, because he is a teenage boy, regardless of his vampire-ness. I trust you understand where I'm going with this and disdain me for even asking? Because once Zero starts needing more of Yuki than her blood, that's when he'll go in for it. Nobody will ever need to pop the "I love you," unless you want to go in a completely different direction from here...however, I'd recommend rape.
Because after all, drinking blood (from the neck) without consent is, technically, rape, right? And if that's true, then Zero has already raped Yuki. He won't forgive himself for needing to do that, and if the whole "rape" thing is where this story needs to be, then Zero will probably end up killing himself with that Bloody Rose gun.
But that's only my opinion. Do whatever you wish with the stories you write, because it's not anyone's job to dictate how you write but yours.
| saria222 chapter 1 . 9/9/2007
you shuld have just kept going when you are wrighting a scean you dont want to stop and then continue like with a song you dont stop it all of the sudden KK but other than that keep up the good work
| KatSumeragi1313 chapter 1 . 8/30/2007
Hm, I like what you're trying to do with the story, but it wasn't as slow as it should have been. Usually if you're writing a lemon it should be a lot more than 681 words and at a much slower pace, because things like this take time. It could have used a lot more detail also, but hopefully you can fix this someday in the future T_T
| delusionment chapter 1 . 7/31/2007
Can I be honest? If so, it was terrible. If not, I feel that while you do have the ability to make a wonderful one-shot, you just didn't pull if off with this particular one. To me, it felt like a cliched, overused scene from a movie. Hearing two people confess their undying love for each other is great, but is it really necessary to take the business to the bedroom right afterwards just to consummate their feelings for each other? Sure, these two love each other, but I don't believe they need to go all the way just to prove the "OMG, I love you!" part. And another thing, when confessing love, it isn't always:
"Oh, I love you."
"I love you, too."
Believe me. I used to do that in my earlier works, but love isn't like that. Also, I know this story is supposed to be a one-shot, but it would've been better if you didn't rush it and tried to fit a confession and a lovemaking scene in 700 words. And if it's a one-shot where it is required, or a PWP, at least start with a decent introduction instead of heading straight to business with the "I love you" because some people just don't confess their love like that to each other. Nor do they IMMEDIATELY have to jump into bed right after.