|Reviews for Learning to Love, Learning to Mature|
| Four and Twenty Blackbirds chapter 4 . 5/15/2007
Good job - I really like your story and your style of writing, as well as your OCs. Your story is entertaining and fun, but you have a few grammatical errors. I think that the most important one is that you use way too many commas. But great job, and I look forward to reading more.
| stinkabhel chapter 4 . 5/11/2007
whoot! love it. update!
| Lexie-H chapter 4 . 5/10/2007
hello m'dear, glad to see uv updated!
i'll review as i read so plz dont mind the running commentary lol
1. "Lily Evans in the prefect compartment giving the prefects instructions when the compartment door opened, and in came in Remus Lupin and Potter."
Lily Evans WAS in the prefect compartment giving the prefects instructions when the compartment door opened, and in came in Remus Lupin and JAMES Potter. - why does remus get a full name but james doesnt?
2. "James looked at Lily and just smiled at her, and admired at how angry she looked. She looked ready to murder. But she looked so pretty. No. He thought to himself, you’re suppose to be getting over her not admiring her at her state of anger."
James looked at Lily and just smiled at her, admiring at how angry she looked. She looked ready to murder - but so pretty. No, he thought to himself. You’re suppose to be getting over her not admiring her IN A state of anger.
3. "...But other than that just do what you’ve done so far.” Said James.
"...But other than that just do what you’ve done so far,” said James.
4. "...instructed Lily as she looked around at the prefects who looked at her as if to wonder whether she was feeling ok."
Lily instructed, looking around at the prefects who seemed to be wondering if she was feeling ok. or something like that. u used looking twice and it dont seem right, somehow...
5. This should be on a new line: ". “It was fantastic! Really it was.” Lily said sarcastically."
and perhaps ". “It was fantastic! Really it was,” Lily said sarcastically." (i just changed full stop to comma)
6. "The 4 girls looked at her expectantly." as this is an entirely separate sentence to the dialogue it should go on a line of its own. also, your should probably just type four
7. " ...But you won’t guess who was made Head Boy”, The 4 girls looked at each other “ Who?’ they asked. “Potter!”, Lily said disbelievingly."
"...But you won’t guess who was made Head Boy."
The four girls looked at each other.
“Potter!” Lily said disbelievingly.
8. "And why does that surprise you, Lily?”, asked Alexis" - comma not necessary as the question mark is there! (spellcheck should put you straight on that issue, i wont go through and pick every single one)
9. "said Emma as she patted Lily at the back." - on the back?
10. "stoned gargoyle" LOL in australia (in dont know about anywhere else) stoned means high on drugs. hehe. i think you meant stone.
11. punctuation should always come BEFORE the quotation marks/speech marks.
all righty. that wasnt everything. the punctuation errors in partic seemed to be everywhere - but this can be fixed with a simple spell-check, so no biggy!
this chapter progressed nicely, im wondering where ur going with it (something completely out-there original would be cool) but i'll definitely stay along for the ride. great work! xx Lexie
ps. sorry for all the concrit. i hope it helps more than offends
| Lexie-H chapter 3 . 5/5/2007
your tense was all over the place - what happened? sometimes it was past tense and sometimes it was present tense. very confusing, and it kinda deducts from the overall effect. sophisticated writing is god descriptions, without over explaining, and i think you over-explained just a tad too much.
thats something to think about next time you're writing: trust your readers. we're an intelligent bunch, and its fun to work stuff out for ourselves.
eg. in my michief managed i didnt actually tell you who gave the scrapbook to lily. everyone just assumed - but if you think about it, it could have been james, and the last part he could have been pretending for sirius' sake. or it could have been sirius. but everyone thinks its emmeline...
and thats what is special. reader interaction. so let us get involved! it makes it fun! and, on the reviews thing, i find that the longer you leave the story, the more reviews it will get. also, the more chapters you put up, the bigger the response. i actually posted the first two MM chapters together so that people knew i was serious about it being a chapter story.
all righty. just a few more picky things. dialogue should always begin on its own line. sirius is not really an immature idiot. how many 17 y.o. boys do you know who yell out holy macaroni? (im going to guess not many at all)
what is a prank-like feature? do you mean that glint in his eyes that suggests mischief?
shouldn't - not should'nt
how can you be careless of someone elses' actions? do you mean he won't care what she does? there's a bit of a distinction - careless is more like clumsy.
james managed to say something. thats fine. he was struggling. except the dialogue you attached that lovely description too was a rather large paragraph. he certainly 'managed' to say quite a bit!
some random comma attacks again
and argument, not arguement
i'm sorry to be so picky - im a bit of a perfectionist, in case you can't tell. i like this story, it has a lot of promise! im just trying to offer some concrit on which you can build on your abilities :-) overall, nice job! i hope that helps xx
| Lexie-H chapter 2 . 5/5/2007
i rekon you could probably delete this chapter now hon! it sounds a little sad and lonely! are you good with the editing thing now or would you like someone to talk you through it? its very easy!
to do the breaks, i just type a hellava lot of dashes eg.
- - - - - - - - - - -
you get the picture. easy peasy! :-)
| stinkabhel chapter 3 . 5/5/2007
very beautiful. he can't get over lily, it's impossible! :)) anyway, don't torture me, UPDATE.
| as if clocks did not exist chapter 3 . 5/5/2007
yay! i love lily's friends (twins kick ass! i wish i had one...) and i love the story! update soon!
| Lexie-H chapter 1 . 5/5/2007
Hey there :-) thanks for your review! i know james should've wanted to tell lily but he was feeling mildly protective at the time (and can you blame him?)
anyway here's yours:
i noticed a few things, though.
1. the whole 'flash back' and 'end flashback' thing was really unnecessary, as was bolding the words. italics would have been fine. we *can* work that stuff out for ourselves! especially when your first, not flashback line kinda clears it up anyway
2. frausterating? try frustrating
3. attack of the random and unnecessary commas - argh! (hehe) like here:
"Alexis had told him, that it was his immature actions, was a main reason why Lilly, wouldn’t even consider going out with him. His misdemeanors, had brought him recognition as a perfect prankster, but it has also destroyed the possibilities of a future with Lily."
this really only needs to be: "Alexis had told him it was his immature actions that was a (the?) main reason why Lily wouldn’t even consider going out with him. His misdemeanors had brought him recognition as a perfect prankster, but it (they?) has also destroyed the possibilities of a future with Lily."
commas should only be used when you are telling us something, like a little additonal explanation, and the audience reads it as a little 'aside' - note how i just used commas without thinking, then?
4. attack of the random commas again
"Her light green eyes, were narrowed as her twin sister Gabrielle laughed at her sisters behavior, after seeing a tiny bee.." the commas dont need to be there at all.
5. im just gonna suggest you run the whole thing through spell check cos that will pick up those grammar issues and its really unnecesary for me to point them out! if you want to change any of your past work, go into the stories edit page, find the little 'export' option and select it. this will send a copy to documents, and u can edit it in documents, then re-load it when you're done editing! easy peasy! :-)
6. "It's not funny, u prat" - *gasps* not you? text speak bad. i did it once. not good.
7. Its Lily, two Ls, not Lilly, 3 Ls.
8. i like your descriptions of the girls' personalities. gives them depth
9. "probable" - probably?
10. The random commas fixed themselves. Yay!
"“ It’s so lame, it’s not cute, or anything, its pathetic. If he did really, and honestly like me, he would leave me alone, and let me be, but no he just has to go around trying to show off, hexing any innocent passerby just for the heck of it, I mean, why can’t he just give it up, and leave me alone, am I asking for so much?”, she asked genuinely at her friend."
however, i must enquire as to how someone would ask genuinely? did you mean "asked her friend, genuinely confused."? (that its a whole lot better)
11. you didn't disclaim. its pretty important. im a law student: i should know.
12. authors notes are a little friendly that lets you connect with your reader. might be a nice idea
you have a great little story going here. it might be over old ground, because this has been done so many times before, but as long as you make sure your story doesnt descend into cliche you should be fine! i have to go to soccer now, i'll read the rest later, promise!
| opungo chapter 3 . 5/5/2007
Nice story so far. Update soon.
| LadyMarauderette chapter 1 . 5/5/2007
Hmm... I actually like this story.
Dont worry about not having any reviewers, it's really your story, and at the end of the day, you're writing for the fun of it, not for the reviews, right?
(Erm.. that might not be so true, reviews do make the author happier :s)
Anyway, I have noticed that you have a lot of grammatical errors, and that usually ticks readers off, hence the no reviews.
You should probably get a beta reader (they spell check, check punctuation, help with the plot etc) that would really help you, because no offence but I got really annoyed when I saw how many mistakes you had made.
Frausterating is: frustrating
It's actually Lily, not Lilly.
You can't exactly understand when people are speakin sometimes, as the quotation mark is in the wrong place.
Again, you should get a beta.
They really help, and this story has got potential.