|Reviews for Traitor for a Traitor|
| Ariyah chapter 1 . 5/22/2014
This was so promising and, with some work, the story could live up to the title. The promise that the title held for me was some reasoning as to /why/ it's a traitor for a traitor. And I don't mean Lurtz' arrows, I mean mercy, a second chance, an extension of what was shown Edmund back in Narnia.
On a more technical note, there are several spelling and punctuation errors that I found distracting, so you might want to go over this with a fine-toothed comb and fix those.
You also switched from telling the story in third-person to first-person (it was "Peter" at first, then "I" a few paragraphs later). There were also two perspective switches (from Peter to Edmund and from Edmund to Peter). Personally, I'd go with Edmund's or Boromir's point of view (either in first- or third-person), since this is their story.
This may be me, but I found that lifting Aragorn and Boromir's dialogue straight out of the movie was distracting. Not only from the story at hand (the traitor-for-a-traitor concept), but in general.
I also found Susan and Lucy to be unnecessary unless you've written other stories in which you focus on them as part of the Fellowship. If this is the case, then leave it be for continuity's sake, but if this is a solo act, then I'd suggest taking them out since they play no part.
On a more positive note, I can most heartily commend you for having an attention-grabbing title. It's a difficult thing to get me to click on just any story and I only click on the stories that I think will be interesting.
| TriciaOakenshield chapter 1 . 8/5/2013
My poor baby! *Cuddles Edmund sobbing*
| Warriormaid chapter 1 . 12/11/2011
BTW, Lil, this is Kestrel.
I liked it - it was a great story idea. Just a couple of things, though:
The tense and person change throughout the story...it was a bit confusing. And there's some spelling errors.
But overall, it was great!
| JovianJeff chapter 1 . 7/21/2010
That was amazing! I loved the concept and it was well executed, you set up everything you needed to with simply mentioning names in the order you did and anyone who knew the two stories could plop down into this one and pick it up easily. This was a beautiful one shot, and may I say I hope you do the story of what happens after this. Lucy accompanying Frodo and Sam, with Susan along with Pippin and Mary, Peter with the rest just begs to be told. I think it would make a fine tale. This one certainly did.
| Ilonwy chapter 1 . 12/7/2009
Please write more to this story it was very good.
| Deannalyn chapter 1 . 7/11/2008
Wow, lil! that's awesome! Could use some grammatical changes, but other than that, the stories awesome! Namarie, Dee
| Dana Skywalker chapter 1 . 6/30/2008
Interesting. Are you continuing this fic, or is it a one shot?
I like the idea of an LOTR/Narnia crossover. This was SO sad! Oh, Ed. :( I love this idea though - Ed and Boromir were both traitors at one point, and you threw them together in this story. Very unique!
One suggestion I have, though, is to lead the reader into the story. You jumped right into the action, which is great sometimes, but it was jarring when I sudenly see the Pevensies in Middle-Earth. A little explanation of what had occurred beforehand would be helpful.
If you do continue this fic, I'd recommend putting some background info into the next chapter.
Great writing, Lil! :)
| LadyKnightofCelestia chapter 1 . 5/22/2008
I just read this story. It's really neat!
| The Halfling of the Shire chapter 1 . 4/26/2008
Wow! I have got to say that is really gripping and I hope to read more, but one thing, is it first person or third? You say "Peter" and then "I" so it's slightly confusing. I like the way that you intigrated the characters...and I'm sorry Edmund dies. :sniff!: it's so sad! But I'm glad that Boromir survives. I like your use of dialogue and quotes from the book and movie, one thing though, can you give Gimli an adjective? Just to richen it up a bit, he's kind of boring and I really like Gimli. Thank you! Great job!
| demeter d chapter 1 . 8/24/2007
Extremely interesting! A great idea for a crossover. My two favorite worlds combined. Hmm. Do continue, this has possibilities. I found you from your review of Avin Waters' "Spice in the Sun." Now I will look for your work, too.
| Val Evenstar chapter 1 . 8/13/2007
Hm... a LOTR/Narnia crossover does make a lot of sense. Pretty good story - minor grammar errors but good plot idea. Although I like Edmund so much more than Boromir and wish it had been the other way around... it might have saved Boromir's reputation a little (in my opinion, of course), and then Edmund could've lived. Poor Edmund!
| kevkraft chapter 1 . 7/31/2007
You don't know me, but your father was a mentor of mine when I was about your age! He wrote me recently and told me about your writing, so I checked it out, being the consumate writer that I am.
From what I can see, you are fantastic...which a passion for fantasy, obviously!
I'll read more of your work more in-depth and give you my thoughts.
Feel free to ask me anything you like about myself. It's only fair.