|Reviews for Justice for all, Even for Keitaro|
| Quis Custodiet chapter 23 . 5/4
This started off as a pretty good story for the first 8 chapters, but then slowly started to go off the rails as you introduced the various "dates" with Keitaro and the other girls of the Hinata-sou, culminating with pretty much an entire derailment of the initial plot once you put Fiance-Sue, er I mean Tomoyo into the story.
I think you've made two mistakes that most fan fiction writers make (and I consider myself guilty of this as well from time to time).
First - the treatment you are giving the (very large) cast is too diffuse. You should focus on less characters, but in more detail.
Second - You have pretty much lost the plot. Motoko is still the center of this story, but the initial premise "Motoko reflects on her actions and how does this change her and the rest of the people at the Hinata" has been crowded out by a lot of filler (the endless slew of dates) and the needless Fiance Complication.
Speaking of the Fiance Complication, I find that this doesn't work because there is really no sense of drama involved in it. The only state Motoko is in is "she doesn't know how she feels", which can be compelling if there is another actor involved, but there's really not. Tomoyo has some sort of luke warm feelings for Motoko, but he's certainly not battling to keep her and Keitaro seems to have no interest at all. So really, no matter what she decides at this point, the feeling as a reader is that it doesn't really matter.
That being said, it's not all bad - It's nice to see Tsuruko introduced as a way to confirm Motoko's character growth, but there are a lot of ways this could have been done that would have been more meaningful (at least in my opinion).
Anyway, the things I do like are:
The crisp focus in the early chapters on showing Motoko's character progression. This is compelling to read, really compelling.
The logical way you construct rationale for people's actions.
The exploration of Naru's anger issues, or more concisely the general concept explored through both her and Motoko of misplaced anger/aggression.
The imagination about how relationships would change, or could change if a single character changed their own mind (Motoko in this story). Seeing Naru ostracized from the group for her behavior in the recent chapters is a great (and logical) example of this. It practically writes itself.
I don't know if you will continue this story or not (It's been a couple years since the last update, but you did start it in 2007, so who knows?) but if you do I would recommend settling the fiance issue by having it postponed (Ship Tomoyo and Tsuruko off home) and then develop some conflict around it if you want to keep it as a plot point. Also, I think you need to explore Keitaro far more - You somewhat hinted recently that he's having second doubts about Naru. I think this should have happened a dozen chapters ago, but now that it's here it has the potential to really mix stuff up.
Finally, I would settle on focusing on Keitaro, Naru and Motoko primarily. If you go with a Keitaro/Motoko relationship developing (Keitaro's feelings switch to Motoko) then that would be an excellent time to reintroduce Tomoyo to screw things up.
Personally I don't know how you would write a Keitaro/Naru from here, given that Motoko is still the central character of this story and gets the most development, but I suppose you might do it by having Keitaro switch from her and then having Naru try to win him over. It seems like this would be REALLY hard to do however. I'm at a loss as to how I would write it.
Anyway, best of luck and thank you for what you wrote so far. Overall I enjoyed it quite a bit, even if I am offering you some blunt criticism. ;)
| Meech Macko chapter 22 . 10/21/2015
Why does Keitaro always get to be unlucky and a total doormat? After all that injustice and scrutiny from Motoko, she get cozy with another guy too perfect Tomoya and one again Keitaro is portrayed as a spineless wimp who has a no girlfriend and Naru doesn't count.
After all that hell of scrutiny and surveillance and invasion of privacy...Motoko does this and get too cozy with another, what happened to her male hating gig?
The Tomoya guy is plain mary sue!
| Meech Macko chapter 23 . 10/21/2015
Well...I am vary of OC characters...especially this seeming all perfect Tomoya guy.
So Motoko's goals are just being a dojo must forever! that's it! With her limited or narrow views and sheltered traditional upbringing...she is bound to have only limited goals.
I was hoping for Mot/Kei.
| Aurora - Kitsune Lord Of Fire chapter 6 . 10/5/2015
And of course this one has the moronic, spineless Keitaro. Tch, idiot.
| Y-PenDraig chapter 22 . 10/4/2015
I forgot to mention, is the Haruka calling family a hint that Kanako is going to make an appearance and go old school on Naru?
| Y-PenDraig chapter 23 . 10/4/2015
First things first, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles and hope things improve for you.
I'm sure that they will, personal life will always take precedence over anything else, don't worry about needing time I'm sure everyone that reads your story (and notes) will understand exactly why you've needed the time between updates. Again I really hope things do improve for you.
This is such an amazing story I had to read it several times, I look forward to where you go with it (hoping for a KeiXMot in the end though. lol)
Speaking of Keitaro the poor guy always got the short end of the stick, lets face by the end of the manga the only one still pounding him was Naru (who didn't deserve him, should of been Motoko.)
Anyway, Motoko getting closer to Tomoya was very surprising, after everything that she put Keitaro through you'd think she'd offer herself to Keitaro for the rest of his life? lol
Hopefully she does chose the K-man in the end though.
| dufus2000 chapter 23 . 11/7/2014
Second time through the story. Still one of the better and more interesting stories on fanfiction. I do hope you will continue writing, and finish the story. I empathize concerning your loss; I too lost my parents last year. And I understand how that can take the desire of writing away for a time. and the time to do anything else other than take care of the estate. Your story is enjoyable and I wish you well and hope to see updates in the future.
| GaredBattlespike chapter 23 . 9/1/2014
I REALLY like this story!
I just hope that you are able to update a bit more frequently. I have just read up from Chapter 1 to Chapter 23 all in one day!
My condolences to you and your family. My own Mom died from Lung Cancer, on Sept 10, 2001. Peace to you and yours.
| Siggimondo chapter 23 . 5/19/2014
| Siggimondo chapter 21 . 5/19/2014
Trouble in Paradise, oh my.
Chapters have been awesome lately. I would go into detail, but I'm too tired -.-
| Siggimondo chapter 13 . 5/19/2014
It's like a roller coaster of feels!
| Siggimondo chapter 12 . 5/19/2014
So much awesome, I can't even.
| Siggimondo chapter 11 . 5/19/2014
Good for Shinobu.
Yay, she has seen the error of her ways! Does this mean that there will be less punching and more hugging?
| Siggimondo chapter 10 . 5/19/2014
More plotting, but this time I can almost even.
| Siggimondo chapter 9 . 5/19/2014
So much plotting. I can't even.