|Reviews for Don't Jump|
| Mero Bro chapter 1 . 8/1/2013
I didn't need my heart anyway, *tosses away heart*
| Uzumaki Ayame chapter 1 . 8/11/2009
That's deep, I think it's really sad :(
| MARTHARAY69 chapter 1 . 6/21/2008
THIS A BIT TOO SAD FOR ME, SORRY BUT I JUST DIDN'T LIKE IT,
YOU SEE, I LOST MY MOM, ALMOST 6 YEARS AGO, "NOTHING LIKE
WHAT WANDA DIED FROM, BUT SHE WAS VERY SICK..AT ANY RATE, MY
FATHER WENT THROUGH A VERY TOUGH PERIOD AND IT WAS REALLY
TRAUMATIC FOR ME..." NOT TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT BUT INCIDENTALLY
MY SCREEN NAME, "MARTHA RAY69" IS A COMBINATION OF MOM'S NAME,
"MARTHA" AND DAD'S MIDDLE NAME, "RAY" AND THE 69 IS BECAUSE
THEY MARRIED IN NOVEMBER OF 1969, SO IT WAS DONE IN THEIR HONOR,
BACK TO THE SUBJECT, I'M SORRY BUT IT WAS KILLING ME TO READ
THIS BECAUSE IT WAS TOO PAINFUL...SORRY,
| Butterfree chapter 1 . 9/8/2007
Aww, a really cute and sad Timmy and Cosmo friendship one-shoot!
You seriously ahve a talent for writting these stories, and yes, I am still reading your fanfictions ;
| Sakura Sango chapter 1 . 7/7/2007
There are several errors on this story, the most glaring being the dashes for when people talk, quotes make it so much easier to see what they are saying and what is not being said. There were a couple of times that I had to reread a part to make sure it wasn't/was said.
However with the errors this story actually was really well put together. The story was deep and meaningful. And had the right amount of angst but didn't go overboard- like a lot of fics do. It also had a wonderful message at the end. And it ends with the reader having a warm feeling knowing that Cosmo didn't jump. It ends with the promise that Cosmo will survive and leaves a small smile on the readers face.
The lyrics worked perfectly for what you were writing and fit the story wonderfully.
I must say that with practice you could very easily become a wonderful writer. The only suggestion I can think of is to find a beta reader or someone to just look over your fics; even reading them out loud to yourself sometimes helps.
Keep up the wonderful work.
| fentonfan chapter 1 . 6/29/2007
That was so sad!
| spangladesh920 chapter 1 . 6/29/2007
Very good job my friend. Very sad, yet it leaves you with a warm feeling knowing Cosmo didn't commit suicide.
A few typos but hey when you translate something...that's bound to happen. I agree with someone else when they said that you should use quotes instead of dashes.
All in all, great oneshot! Keep up the good work.
| MadeUpFigment chapter 1 . 6/29/2007
"He, his godfather, was staindng on the moulding staring down: he looked suffering even from the back." The ':' should be replaced with a ','. The setence should be "He looked as if he was suffering, even from behind" or "Even from behind it's easy to tell he's suffering".
"Cosmo moved his glance on the ground" Moved his glance to the ground. Or "Cosmo turned his gaze to the ground".
"- It’s not been your fault! –" It wasn't your fault. It isn't your fault. It's not your fault. It was never your fault. Any of these will work. Well, maybie not the last one.
"– Maybe it seems so, but it’s not been, believe me!" The word been is used wrong. And the sentence would sound better like this: "It might seem like it's your fault, but it's not! Trust me!". It sounds more like what Timmy would say.
"It was easy for him" It was easy for him to say.
"Cosmo thought back over those last instants once again." The word instants REALLY doesn't sound right. I don't think it's even a word actully. This would sound better like this: "Cosmo replayed the past events in his head" or something like that.
"and when he had come back home" Come should be came. Come is present tense while came is past tense. (I think)
"crossed the threshold of the living-room" I'm not sure what you meant actully. And the '-' in living room is unnecessary.
"filled with anguish" That's setence was unnecessary also. It makes the setence run on (I have that problem too) and the reader can figure out how he felt by "Acting as quik as possiable".
"And he didn't nothing but blame himself" Double negitive. Didn't should by did. This line is pretty good actully, exept for the error. The paragragh itself though, is a long run on sentence. You might need to put periouds (sp) at the end of a few sentences. I think it would look good like this:
"He did nothing but blame himself.
He blamed himself for visiting his cousins when he knew the date was drawing near.
He blamed himself for why his sweet half, who had loved him for years abd years, and a new life, who he had loved for nine months waiting for her to be born, were now gone." It looks alot better when it's not one huge setence.
"without getting further closer" Either get rid of further or closer. Either one is fine by itself but it's unnecessary to have both.
"te rain was mixing with the tears falle some minutes before" I'm a bit confused. I'm not entirely sure what you meant by this sentence. Te should be the. Falle should be fall, though it would sound better without the word. Infact, just end the sentence with tears.
"he didn't think to have more ones to drop." I'm not sure about this one either. Did you mean "He didn't have to think inorder for more tears to fall" or "He didn't think for fear of crying more"?.
"- Cosmo think about it: it's not been your fault!" You know what? Just get rid of all the 'been's you put in this fic.
All the '-'s should be replaced with '"'s. Like how I used it before. People expect that more then they would expect '-'s. The change may not be necessary, but it is helpfull.
When somone talks make a new paragragh. Unless it's the same person talking. Like this:
"Bla bla bla" He said. "Blah blah blah"
"Yadda yadda" She said.
Despite the many errors, this is actully VERY good. It was very deep and gives the reader a warm feeling, not to mention a lesson. But I suggest fixing this. The typos and everything is very distracting. No matter how good the story itself is, if the reader gets too annoyed with the typos, it won't matter anyway.
I like how you made the lyrics work with the story. Not alot of people can do that. You have alot of promise, you just need practice and maybie a beta tester. I can be your beta tester if you like.
-A crappy reviewer
| xsandwichx chapter 1 . 6/28/2007
I loved it!
Good writing! :D
| Gem W chapter 1 . 6/28/2007
Man, that was really sad... I liked it though. It's very... I'm not really sure what word to use, but it's good. Only criticism I'd offer is maybe using quotes instead of the dashes for dialogue. It's a little unclear at times.