|Reviews for Wandering Souls|
| qwerty878645 chapter 6 . 8/23/2010
"How the crap" seem a little... campy. if your story is now rated T, it's okay to increase the swearing a little. In a rate T story, every swear word and the occasional "that's what she said" sort of joke is allowed, and I think "How the hell" seems a bit more natural of a thing to say. Particularly for Kiba, who doesn’t seem like the type to make a direct effort not to swear.
It should be noted that often, when an adult ninja is fighting a younger genin, they often refer to said genin as "brat." So, that is something to consider.
You also have a tendency to add unnecessary page breaks. You should avoid doing that, at the very least, when you aren't changing subjects. If one sentence is about Hinata, and so is the next, and the second sentence doesn't take place a while after the first, you don't have to worry about a page break.
I think that "Hinata jumped out of her hiding place and steered for Kiba's hideout. But the moment she entered the glade, the moment did Sanji notice her." should become "Hinata jumped out of her hiding place and steered for Kiba's hideout, tut the moment she entered the glade, Sanji noticed her."
"Found you!" instead of just "found" would have made a bit more sense...
Don't shorten the words "Missing Ninja" I'm not sure why everyone does this, but I don't see the point.
Kiba's talking too smart. I'm not saying he's stupid, but his mannerisms just aren't right. Kiba is very laid back, and not the most mature sort. I have never seen him say anything like "Heh, nice decision. A pity it didn't end well." Not once. naruto. wikia wiki/Kiba_Inuzuka there's a pretty good article on Kiba, and on that web site you can find information on probably everything in the Naruto verse, including character histories, some quotes, and character abilities.
"It's going to blow." just doesn't seem like a very ninjaie thing to say. I think this is because it's a cliché statement. Think about it, if something behind you were about to explode, what would you say? I think the answer is universal. I think you would say "shit."
"Didn't your mother teach you to never turn your back on an enemy?" I don't think that really makes much sense because it's not usually a mother's job to teach things like that. Sensei would probably work better.
I don't think the ninja would be very surprised to find Kinai not dead or to find that the body had exploded. As soon as her body blew up, they would have assumed that she had used a substitution jutsu and replaced herself with a timed explosive. They would immediately have started looking around for her and expected her to jump out and attack them.
Also, suddenly appearing behind them having hidden her presence is not the least bit shocking for a ninja. Any ninja above Genin level, and many that are genin, has fought an opponent who was capable of doing this. Not to mention that any Jonin, including the teachers, are capable of this.
"sending shivers down her captive's back" doesn’t seem right. Later in the battle, it seems they aren't afraid of her, but skeptical of her skill .
Eyes changing colour, not good. Never, ever do that without the use of a Doujutsu or contacts or something. That's three points on a Mary sue test. That means that it has become overused in Naruto OCs.
Your knowledge of jutsu could use some work. I say this because you got water clone and shadow clone mixed up. Water clones are not made entirely of chakra. They are made out of water. Shadow clones are the ones that are made entirely out of chakra.
It's possible that Kiba and Hinata would be referring to Kinai as Kinai-Taichou, because she is their captain, but they'd probably refer to her as Sensei because even though she is not their sensei, she is indeed a teacher.
Hinata is not canonically capable of using the Eight Trigrams Palms Heavenly Spin, which is the ultimate defense used by the Hyuuga clan that involves spinning so fast that nothing can get close to you. That's what made it so impressive that Neji had mastered it; it's a very rare technique to be mastered.
It should also be noted that the Protection of the Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms that Hinata "invented" in the filler arc with the giant bees, was not to my knowledge used in the canon and actually defies what Kishimoto had planned to do with her at the time.
"No one dare do that to me and get away with it alive!" should probably have been "No one dares do that to me and get away with it" because alive made the sentence redundant, and dare as a verb, doesn't agree with No one, the subject.
Kiba has never stuttered before, and I don't think he'd start now.
"It looked like a hole in the ground or something…" should probably be "It looked like a hole in the ground." just because it seems cleaner cut.
"Four tentacles darted towards her forcing her to roll out of the way." should be "Four tentacles darted towards her, forcing her to roll out of the way." because you need to put a comma between and indeoendant and dependant clause. I think…
"The jutsu covered the user's hands in a layer of raw lightning chakra making the user able to fight without having weapons." should be "The jutsu covered her hands in a layer of raw lightning chakra making, her able to fight without having weapons." for the same reasons, and also because "the user" makes it sound too definitiony.
You frequently left out spaces during one particular fight scene...
The plural of ninja is ninja. Context clues such as "they" and "where are" will hint to whether or not it's plural, so you don't have to worry about noun confusion.
I don't really think that two genin such as Kiba and Hinata would be able to create a strong enough Genjutsu to hide the old man from the rogue ninja.
That old man would not have been talking like a medieval gentleman. He'd be talking like anyone else in the series does: modern.
Anyway, it is good to see that you are taking some of my advice, and I respect that you do not wish to take all of it. Especially since there are a lot of people who would just yell at me even though I’m trying to help.
And last but not least, I would just like to say that the last line of that chapter did not put any dirty jokes in my head until I read your ending author notes :P
| pinksonic2 chapter 6 . 6/21/2010
it's a really good story
nicely written and stuff
sorry i couldn't really find any faults.
good luck on your other stories
| XxRikela-chanxX chapter 6 . 6/11/2010
Keep the moves in japanese! Sounds cooler, I mean, Rasengan may as well be translated to "wind of swirlyness!" or orochimaru's bitingness as "tooth piercingness"now that sounds wrong, lol, LOVE IT! ]
| steff chapter 6 . 6/9/2010
Good chapter maybe a bit confusing around the fight, but nothing serious, unfortunately I can't say exactly, what does it. But apart from that, it is as exciting and good, as any work I've seen from you.
| 90MLLu chapter 6 . 6/8/2010
Yeah an update and I'm the first one to review! (Nintendo) Wii! I have missed your story so much over the past months. Let me first just say. WOW! Excuse me, I mean OMG WOW. I Love it, simply adore it!(v) The plot is genious! Genious I say
When I read this line at the beginning,
“It had seemed to be a short ranged jutsu, excellent in close combat”
I thought to myself ’Wow she really knows what she is doing here’. Do you understand what I mean? You sound like a professional when you explain what kind of jutsus that are good to close/long combat. Kudos to you and your techniques are so super original (v) It’s a big pleasure to read. It makes your story even more original and your own. I in particular like this jutsu, Jukei no jutsu. What it does sounds so awesome. Now, that is a jutsus that can kick some asses in the story in a passive way. I could totally imagine the old man exploding into pieces in the forest. While reading it I made a wry face
Actually, that leads to another thing I like about your newest chapter, your descriptions (v) Your descriptions in this chapter are so bloody amazing. Is it just me or have you improved since last time? Or maybe it’s just me who can’t remember how they were, only that they were fantastic But seriously your fighting scenes are magnificent. Just to name a few these two lines made an impression on me,
“Hinata screamed in pain when she felt the thorns trail over her back as she was thrown against a tree” and “The blow had left burn scars over his arms and burnt his shirt on the back, leaving the fabric to melt into the skin”.
Those are some pretty good descriptions, my dear friend. Nice choice of wording and writing too.
Your characterization of Kiba and Hinata are excellent portrayed. You have once again captured their personality perfectly. From Hinata’s shyness to Kiba’s cool manly attitude. Your dialogs for them fit them well especially this one for Kiba,
“He smirked down to her. “Heh, nice decision. A pity it didn’t end well.”’
Kinai is getting cooler and cooler for every chapter I read, I think (v). She does have flaws but that is what makes her so cool as well. However, in this chapter she was a bit cruel towards the old man but I guess it was necessary (v). Guess she’s not so sweet after all (v)
The dialogs in this chapter were very good. My favorite dialog of them all is this one coming from the old man,
“… I have always been a decent man, well maybe I have cheated sometimes, here and there, but who hasn’t? Who hasn’t?” When I read that I totally agreed with him. It made me laugh big time(v) It sort of reminded me of myself… weird huh?
The ending is excellent too. It concludes everything that had happened nicely and I can’t wait to read the next chapter again. Hope Kinai and the other will kick the missing-nins buts in the next chapter.
All in all a terrific chapter. I’m so proud of you, *sniff *sniff. Keep up the good work! (v) And happy birthday to you.
Ps. Your Beta-person sounds mean ;P
| l20 chapter 1 . 4/26/2010
the first chapter is good keep u hooked on to the story and wanting more ,
| qwerty878645 chapter 5 . 4/25/2010
Oh dear... fighting a tentacle monster, this is about to turn into a bad hentai, isn't it? (J/k)
There is no such thing as a special Chuunin. A special jounin is one who does not fit all the requirements from Jounin, but is jounin level in a specific area. For example, Ibiki is a special jounin because he is an expert specifically in the area of interrogation. A special jounin could be a taijutsu expert like Gai, but only at jounin level in that one area.
For future reference regarding ranks, know that "Sanin" is not a rank; it means three people and can only be used in reference to Tsunade, Jaraiya, and Orochimaru. Some people simply can't comprehend this; I just thought you should know in case in the future it comes up for you.
Although you used the word niftily properly, it is usually associated with the word "cool," so for future reference, try a more direct word.
I think it's only Akatsuki members that scratch out their headbands. I say this because Zabuza, who threw a coup, did not have his headband scratched out, other than that, I have no proof for this theory, but, it's something to consider,
I would use "gasped in surprise" rather than "gasped surprised"
"Enemy while hiding which made the Hyuuga" "enemy while hiding, which made the Hyuuga"
"Hadn’t it been" should be "if it hadn't been for"
Those page breaks weren't entirely necessary.
Don’t use exclamation points if someone isn't talking or you're not portraying someone's thoughts. "I have to get the old man right now!" he thought.
All and all, your research and knowledge of canon could do a bit of work. Your grammar is excellent for someone whose second language is English. You need to keep Kakashi in character, or you might as well replace him with an oc. He just wouldn't be that overprotective or overbearing. Your description as you progressed got better and better. Remember to only use Japanese vocabulary for jutsu and pet names. I would like to say that Wolf could be a little more significant to the mission. He would be using his nose to find scents and track as well as, if not better than, Akamaru and being a large type of ninja-canine, would probably be in on the action and fighting to protect Kinai.
I would suggest you find a beta reader who excels in canonical behavior, or at least consult. Try kopykat's forum, she's kind of an expert on Kakashi... (She turned obsession with a particular character into a good thing, rather than an annoying fan girl thing...)
forum. fanfiction forum/Naruto_Fanfiction_Help/297/ (take the spaces out of the url)
Aside from the tragic past and marriage to a canon character, your OC doesn't seem to sueish, which is rather refreshing. She's not too powerful, and you haven't described her as too hot or anything. Speaking of which, I think you should put a little more description into Kinai's appearance. Maybe tell us what she's wearing. She does, however, seem a little underdeveloped. Like you know her only as well as we do, try filling out a profile, and maybe writing some things that you don't even intend to put in the fanfic.
Also, I definitely suggest you give the manga a good re-read. You need to pay close attention to how people act, what you see in the anime but not in the manga, and the timeline of the manga and how it can relate to your story. Especially people's ages. It definitely seems that people’s ages don't line up the way you really want them to. It appears that you have tried to make Ibiki significantly older than Kakashi, when in the manga he's only about six months older, you either ignored or didn't realize that Yondaime Hokage was Kakashi's sensei, and there seems to be a great deal of holes in your knowledge of canon. (Such as not mentioning the Fourth's actual name.)
| qwerty878645 chapter 4 . 4/25/2010
I believe it would be a wok, not a frying pan just saying, that is a minuscule detail.
I find that it would be out of character for Kakashi to be amused because Ebisu was hit with the frying pan, he might be amused that a frying pan flew out the window and hit someone, but not specifically because it was Ebisu. He seemed to have a certain amount of respect for Ebisu (hence recommending that he train Naruto and referring to him as a "great teacher")
Where are Kurenai and Shino?
I've noticed several improvements in descriptive language, and you appear to have put a good amount of researched thought into the mission. However, you need to keep in mind that Rain's border control is tighter than a corset, and there is no way they would go into another country, especially one with a ninja village, without permission. You aren't allowed to, and you need a special pass, as stated during the chuunin exams.
I don't think ninja are supposed to take sleeping pills on missions...
If they are genin, this is before the time skip. If this is before the time skip, your character is underage. If your character, underage before the time skip, is married to Kakashi, twenty-six or twenty-seven before the time skip, then Kakashi is... well, there's only one word for it, you seem to have made him a pedophile... You might want to edit some things and take a closer look at your time line.
| qwerty878645 chapter 2 . 4/25/2010
Tone down the random Japanese words. That can tend to annoy some people. If a character has a specific pet name for someone, such as Naruto calling Jaraiya "Perverted hermit" can be left in Japanese as "Ero-sennin," but everyday words such as yes and no or swear words and insults should usually be left in English, it makes writing look more mature, and also easier to read, it's not too much fun having to scroll down and look at your glossary every few paragraphs.
Perhaps, you could translate the wolf's name into Japanese and call him "Okami-chan" (chan is used to address pets as well as female friends and classmates) I will point out to you that wolves are usually considered a cliché pet for OCs, but I am not one to complain because my character eventually comes to find companionship with a Bengal Tiger. (Her clan is similar to the Inuzuka clan, but with cats. She has a cousin who can summon ninja cats.)
Is the wolf talking to her? If so, that's not very out of place (Pakkun, for example,) but, you should probably clarify that.
Tsunade comes off as out of character, I'm not completely sure how.
Okay, I will point these out to you: Minato Namikaze was Kakashi's jounin instructor. Kakashi was thirteen when his sensei was Hokage. The Hokage, on a mission with teammates other than his own, found a girl who was roughly two or three. That girl, who was about two or three when Kakashi was about thirteen or fourteen, is now married to somebody who is about ten or eleven years her senior, which could very well mean they were dating while she was underage, and he... wasn't.
Also, I think someone who raised himself from age five can probably get away with living in the house he grew up in. The manga doesn't really specify, it's not that important, just something to think about.
I would like to point out to you, Kakashi, as a jounin, knows that sneaking up on other ninja frequently gets violent reactions, and probably wouldn't clasp his hand over her mouth to playfully sneak up on her. If you notice in the show or movies, when he puts a kunai to an enemy's throat he stands next to them and holds his arm out with the kunai. This is because if you stand directly behind someone and get to close, said someone can step on your foot, kick back and hit you in the nuts, hit your ribcage with his or her elbow, or pull out a kunai and stab your rib cage. If the person you're messing with hasn't yet realized you're only playing, you might get hurt, so he'd be more careful about it. My favorite thing to do when sneaking up on people is to put plastic spoons in their pockets, but I think simply standing behind her and saying something would come off as more realistic of him.
Also, on a note of Kakashi's behavior, he doesn't come off as the pouty type, and I've never seen him complain about missions, although that could be explained by the fact that we don't see him do a lot of interacting with his peers, and by the fact that it would be a terrible idea to let Naruto see him bitch about missions, thus giving the genin ammo to complain to Tsunade. More importantly, is the fact that he wouldn't get irritated about her having missions. He's not the over-protective type, and he would trust Tsunade to be able to give the proper mission rank to a chuunin. Beyond that, this makes him come off as slightly controlling "And besides, he will not let me!" She won't rank up because he doesn't want her to? It just wouldn't go down that way. If he's not like that towards his students, he wouldn't be like that towards his wife. "Stay out of this. They are no longer your students right now; they are my men." He said this about twelve year olds, Kinai is a grown woman (hopefully, I'd like to think that this is after the time skip and she is at least twenty.) And also, having experienced the death of a loved one at age five (possibly before, I'm not sure he was old enough to remember the death of his mother) and knowing she was an orphan, he would have more trust in her knowledge of the dangers she faces. You make him seem over-protective and, Edward Cullenish... I just can't see him let this turn into a huge argument. Would you marry someone who you knew was like that? Answer that question from your point of view and your Oc's.
| qwerty878645 chapter 1 . 4/25/2010
Overall, I would say that it is generally well-written. I would, however, like to point some things out:
The Hokage rarely, if ever, goes on out of the village missions after being inaugurated. The flashback in the anime, of the third about to leave for a mission and Konohamaru trying to get him to stay, that's not canon.
There is rarely an occasion where the Fourth Hokage wouldn't have had time to get out of the way. He was known as the "yellow flash" due to his speed and his ability to perform the "body flicker technique" which is also known in fanfics as "poofing" because many ninja will produce a puff of smoke before performing the technique to distract the enemy, mask which direction they went in, or in some cases simply because it looks cool. Perhaps, if it was absolutely necessary to injure him, he could have been injured moving the girl out of harm's way.
It is usually not the best idea to pull out a knife, because it could very well have been in an artery, and in that case pulling it out would quickly mean bleeding to death.
The Hokage's name is Minato Namikaze, you never seem to call him by name.
While Yondaime-sama was Hokage, Ibiki was roughly thirteen, maybe twelve. He was probably still a genin, he was of no higher rank than chuunin. If the Hokage were to be on any missions that time, it would be with Kakashi and Rin, his third student having died, I believe, before he became Hokage. Rin would probably have still been a chuunin, and Kakashi would have been a jounin.
Avenged, not revenged. In general, I find that it is best to note use an S to pluralize ninja, kunai, and shuriken because in Japan they don't do that to pluralize things, so I dislike pluralizing romanize Japanese words, but not everyone does this, and it is optional. There were a couple of places where you left out an apostrophe.
Have you read chapter 244? That sheds some light on Yondaime-sama's personality and teammate interaction. If you haven't read the manga, do so. In reading both the anime and manga, you will find that a lot of things in the anime are add-lib. Beyond that, you can combine the two in ways that allow more creative freedom for yourself, or if you're one of those "stick as close to the original as possible people," you can do that more easily if you go by the manga rather than the anime, which doesn't always do as Kishimoto-sensei wishes.
| BehbaLovesTea chapter 2 . 3/21/2010
wo! kakashi is married? thats a new one! but nice... ;)
LOve! LOve! ;)
| BehbaLovesTea chapter 1 . 3/21/2010
OH! i LOVE the descriptiveness! im liking it already!
| MM-Sweet-Snow chapter 5 . 3/7/2010
Uhhm, let's see. You're story lines pretty good so far. Though its dragging on a bit too much. There's a lot of details, but the little things the character does doesn't need to be explained so much. I usually ended up skipping those parts. The details for fighting scenes are very good though. Keep up with that.
Also, there isn't much that is 'amazing' in your story. It's kinda like every other one that's on here. There isn't much of a "Holy crap this story is awesome, lets keep reading!" If you put a little be of something different in this, I'm sure you can make it awesome :]
| zhilin chapter 5 . 3/6/2010
Hullo! :) It's me again :D
The story is pretty interesting :) It's good too and there's a lot of details. Overall it's really interesting and I hope those 3 make out of the mission ok :P
Hehe, personally I'm more of a Kakashi fan so I hope they'd be more chapters with him in it 8D but it's really funny the chapter where Kinai get's all messed up over her own cooking to a point she threw the frying pan out and it hit Ebisu on the head. That part had me laughing :)
I do so hope to see more humour in later chapters to come :) In my opinion that won't be too heavy on the readers as good as your are in describing the fighting scenes :)
Anyway, I hope this review helps haha!
| MusixAkira948 chapter 5 . 2/27/2010
just like the others said. but its a really good story. so keep it up!