|Reviews for Point of a Spear|
| DarkAssassin21 chapter 12 . 3/25/2013
Good story! Hope you update soon!
| Ganheim chapter 12 . 3/30/2011
quickly established a beachhead
seconds the cyborg finally
as another explosion erupted
[This looks a little repetitious – telling us what the explosion destroyed would seem better to me]
at the Nod troops now engaging Ramir's troops
[Repetition. Simplifying to “Ramir” might also get the job done]
get him out of here and disinfected
[More to the point, without tiberium contamination]
settled around Hamburg however
[Shouldn’t “however” be enclosed in commas?]
Chapter 9: Rodina
most power strategic weapon
possible but the complexity
should Plaine and the others botch their jobs and get themselves or their comrades killed.
[Seems to go on longer than just a “get themselves killed” would’ve, and doesn’t express the terse tension as well]
until it found the resonate frequency
[I think it’s “resonant”, but there is NO resonant frequency for bunkers and the majority of modern structures – they don’t wear or absorb basic forces (much less attacks) well, and hence are made of a multitude of overlapping layers. I know some sci-fi weapons take this principle to the molecular level, but disintegration rays aren’t Tib Sun period-fitting and I thought it was GDI doing research on sonic technology. Maybe a multiwarhead system that sends a series of concussive shocks through the bunker that would use the rock to ‘reflect’ the pressure front into the relatively sensitive electronics and people?]
artillery units, which
hours, to port of Gibraltar
behind them mopping up
Not unexpectedly the trio
R&D section Granger
heading out hunting any Nod
[out, hunting _after_?]
superheated clump of gas had formed
[I think ‘column’ would’ve sounded more elegant, given the prior theological metaphor]
Chapter 10: Portents
highly of their intelligence gathering
[Or luck, not that that’s not important too in war]
margin but if Russia
And while the top speed
[There’s been quite a few conjunctives, I don’t think this “and” is necessary]
some extra, motivation
The Nod force of buggies
[Repetition of ‘force’]
The GDI units focused their efforts
[If they only need one round, why would they focus fire?]
the Brotherhood had yet to erect walls taller than the gun mounted on the walkers
[I wouldn’t think they usually would – that would make their bases stand out like a sore thumb, and the GDI Titan was a relatively recent development if I remember in-game dialog correctly]
already reacting but the
Missiles and rounds slammed
[Although “slammed” is a strong verb, “rounds” just looks too generic to really carry much strength of narrative]
By the time the Kodiak landed to transfer Tratos over to its medical bay,
[I know they would’ve had to transfer, but wouldn’t Tratos have been immediately evaced to a forward medical camp so the compound security couldn’t simply follow him?]
Chapter 11: Fall
But nearly is not the same as indefinite."
[“fully” or “completely” would more precisely match or parallel “nearly”]
Slavik noted that the only future cooldown time
[The nearest, or most feasible? Although the latter doesn’t entirely fit with the later “I can’t get there” sentiment following shortly]
Ramsey needed to be in position to make the push.
"Someone, kill me, now."
[This shift was jarring – it took me a couple re-reads to judge the particulars of who, where, when. That should be clear, and it can be done as easily as a mostly-blank line with a hyphen or ellipsis. _Something_ to indicate a scene shift]
harvester they would at
But Lawrence did not
[A lot of “but” in this paragraph]
became apparent Vega would not last long enough
[I remember from playing that he shoots up, but he might have never done anything more than an injection of heroine/cocaine as it’s never discussed whether his actions were really unusual. That being said, it would’ve been nice to see a little more of the detail of the injection device falling and a little more of what’s going on in McNeil’s head (since we see little but this vague action in the game)]
Whatever it is the hell they're planning
[Sounds awkward to me]
I like the segments with the made-up characters, but I fear that O’Connor’s being set up as too powerful, perfect, and present – I think a significant part of the problem there is that he’s the only one we’re seeing. What about the other Nod generals/warlords? If we had advances and failures from them then we’d get a much fuller picture of the Tiberium War and it wouldn’t seem like everything was about how great O’Connor is because we’re seeing MANY of them. A few weaknesses in phrasing is the only other problem I’m seeing, not bad all in all, just keep us in the action.
| Unknown2615 chapter 6 . 2/15/2011
You'de better do what I say or I swear ill promote you!mdont think I'm bluffing.
That message made me laugh very hard
| MegaAuthor chapter 12 . 1/1/2011
As I am unable to give my review in the last chapter, I'll try and make this short and simple.
I find your Command and Conquer fic getting closer and closer to a perfect powerhouse the game originally good about; deep story, perfect strategic value and outright fantastic original character who work at the backstage for the heroes and villians of C&C are to be associate. O'connor gives a deep information while not render his own agenda while Langley is still giving off secrets not many GDI officers knows about. Like your last GDI fic, this is a nice ride so far.
Keep 'em coming!
| pacificuser chapter 1 . 3/24/2010
| Soldier of the Future chapter 9 . 2/8/2010
I have to say, Chapter 9 was a very good read. It brought back some awesome memories regarding Tiberian Sun's first mission.
Took me a while to get this far, but your story's awesome so far!
| MegaAuthor chapter 10 . 10/5/2009
I Like what you've done here dude, and I totally agree about the timeline in Tiberium Sun is a bit out of place.
Speaking of technologies previews for the Tiberium wars, you think you can but some neat intro about MARV and the discarded Mammoth Mark II? Imagine Nick 'Havoc' Parker face goes red hearing that!
All in favor to Z98, the greatest C&C Fic yet!
| tanks60808 chapter 9 . 5/17/2009
very good job. i love the GDI stuff. also really good last point about a more detailed walk through. now that i think of it i have probably beaten that game at least 2 dozen times. good job and keep at it
| MegaAuthor chapter 9 . 5/15/2009
Like the Chapter done here, set even before the first GDI mission in TS. Well done.
It is true that in almost all CnC games the Asia mostly (or rather literally) left untouch until Generals and Red Alert 3. Looking forward at the Russia theater, heavy armor and all.
| Ganheim chapter 8 . 3/5/2009
Chapter 6: Weakest Link
Bullets pelted the ground where the GDI soldiers crouched. One was a bit too high and a bullet smashed into his helmet,
[Assumedly the GDI are in cover, so the bullets pelting the ground makes sense. However, saying 'one a bit too high' makes it sound like the cyborgs are intentionally not shooting at the GDI soldiers.]
though a few disks did manage to bring one of the tanks to a halt.
[Although this does vaguely tell us what happens, it smacks slightly of gameplay retelling. We've all played the game, expand on it. The game doesn't have explosives blowing the treads off tanks or blasting sighting optics off the turrets, but you have the option of doing things like that in the more realistic depiction of a novelization.]
The dirt kicked up was more than enough to obscure their view,
[The only problem with this is that the advanced units – particularly most GDI units – have advanced optics. Even nowadays there are sensors designed to penetrate dust and smokescreens. GDI armour would certainly have this technology equipped, at least the Titans.]
all of his Titans. at the ten tanks Slavik had used.
[Superfluous period after 'Titans']
trapping his men in between two front,
[Number agreement: fronts]
destroyed the fully loaded harvester, triggering a massive explosion.
[Yet below you state that it leaves green Tiberium. According to all of the games, green Tiberium while toxic is still very stable. It's the blue Tiberium that's explosive, and realistically I don't think it would leave any usable crystals.]
It didn’t surprise Slavik O’Connor knew so much,
and the route the Russians tried to take in the Second. Show them we’ve learned our lesson about that spot.”
[I'm going to assume this refers to Red Alert 1...though despite Ducan showing up in that stupid final Soviet video all other indications are that the Red Alert universe is separate from the Tiberium one.]
not floating up there in the sky waiting for AA to bring you down.
[Kodiak never seemed to have a problem. It was never even vulnerable until an Ion Storm brought it down, which implies that it remained too high for standard AA to touch it, and good enough sensors to spot anything dangerous coming long before it came in range. That being said, I see the character point.]
It would be nice if he could just order an ion strike, but even that might not be enough.
[Considering he's facing a legion of Noddies, I find it a little disturbing that he wouldn't at least be putting through the request. I know Ion canons aren't as common in Tiberian Sun as Tiberium Wars (where there's an overlapping network) but the way that they made you wait until the end of the GDI campaign to use them when the prototype was already deployed decades ago in TW1 was ridiculous.]
left behind by the blazing napalm
[But GDI air power used high explosives instead of napalm. Fire weaponry was always more a Nod weapon. Particularly when the enemy is armor.]
and otherwise met their end.
This is where I’m diverging from the Nod campaign, since the GDI campaign’s the canon one.
[Aren't they body canon, up until the final mission? I always felt that Nod's campaign came first, and then the GDI campaign starts up and undoes everything the Nod campaign did.]
I'm interested in seeing the rest of the campaign play out – my main expectation is how you novelize “Firestorm”, but that's a long way in the future. I thought there were a few contrived elements, like Granger personally fighting. Sure, it sounds cool, but in the real world when you're doing command – espeically anything strategic – you want to be safe and isolated away from the combat so you can focus on keeping your people alive and finishing the battle successfully. That and commanders on the battlefield are surrounded by the strongest, meanest soldiers they can find so they aren't interrupted. The fights were hit-or-miss, the Nod battle was okay but I felt the GDI side was a little dry and slow. Neither had the intensity of Peptuck's Tiberium Wars, but the battles are different and I'm not expecting the exact same thing. Despite those, complaints, this is still a fair story and one of the best C&C fanfics I've ever seen.
Chapter 7: Strategic Thought
to accomplish so he only had
[Missing comma after ‘accomplish’]
“Insult you! You’re bloody lucky I don’t kill you!”
[Given how emotions are running, I somehow doubt that such a statement would have a significant effect on Vega.]
unable to look any of the other generals in their face.
[Though I noticed that this didn’t fit (number agreement), I think that ‘look them in the eyes’ would have fit better than ‘face’.]
“What is your progress?” O’Connor directed that question to Slavik.
[Although this does carry who says what to whom, it doesn’t look like a very effective or elegant way. Perhaps something a little more narratively descriptive, like ‘O’Conner pointedly asked Slavik’?]
restore yourself to my good graces.”
[Interrogative missing its question mark.]
the screens went dark leaving Slavik alone.
[Missing comma following ‘dark’]
That was certainly a possibility, but.
[I think an ellipsis was supposed to be here.]
Examining the situation more closely, Slavik noted several Tick Tanks scoring disabling hits against their opponents, while others survived direct hits to their frontal armor by twin shots. It seemed the advances in tank design were compensating for the Tick Tank’s lighter armor and lower caliber gun.
[Although this gets across what sort-of-happens, it also looks like a very dry battle.]
while even more lay dying or dead on the streets.
[It’s typically ‘dead or dying’]
The chance of Tratos escaping or being forced to escape
[just ‘escape’ would have been much more concise and effective.]
Charges were attached to buildings and detonated once they were far enough away. By now a ring of destruction followed the Black Hand operatives in their wake. The more terror they instilled the better.
[Dry, and pointless. Yes, terror is an extremely effective weapon, but to the best of my knowledge this is still a point where Nod realizes they need to make the mutants think they want to help the Brotherhood. Doing this makes it inescapably clear that Nod is only to be cooperated with as much as is vital to save Tratos.]
but also satellites in their various positions.
[Dry and ambiguous.]
The battle plan was highly complex, if only because there were so many parts to it.
[Yes, I believe that’s generally the definition of complex.]
However, this also meant no MLRS units were actively engaged.
[How would deployment of a sensor array disable the missile platforms?]
and sometimes to “to the field”
[_go_ to the field?]
In the blackness of night the blue charges were visible far and wide, acting as beacons for the emitters that created them.
[Beacons don’t work if you’re right next to them, beacons draw attention from far sources. Saying ‘beacons for the emitters that created them’ is inaccurate besides sounding wrong to start.]
That was however not something Langley was prepared to do.
[Missing commas around ‘however’]
The only way to kill it was not to attack the heads, but to take out the body. Langley blinked. Now why hadn’t that ever occurred to him before?
[Because GDI are morons?]
To Jackson’s surprise, they were headed not for the command center or Langley’s private office.
[Then where’s he going? At least give a hint – like heading _away_ from the command center.]
they like changed the orbit of one of the satellites
other places were no longer colored.
[This is one of several instances of mentioning something in a roundabout, negative manner – in other words, it’s not described and frustrating to see because it gives such a clear sensation that something _should_ have been said.]
And everything all of you just heard and saw is classified.
[A general’s plan isn’t open for everyone? Gasp!]
Do it mention it to anyone else.
Knowing how O’Connor is choosing his target
Even this far away from the battlefield, the order took like time reaching his troops
[This doesn’t describe to me anything that happens. There’s no sense of urgency or quickness of any sort.]
While not enough to cause a collapse, it still created large enough holes for water to burst through and flood the land below.
[Constructing dams is expensive, and to keep costs down they’re constructed so that the balanced force of water pushing them against the rock is what makes them so strong. Destroying (even weakening) the sides, particularly enough for water to flow, means that the dam will go soon as well.]
I treat chapters as if they focus purely on one event and I wrote in an episodic style.
[The former isn’t bad if the chapters are short, and I also don’t find anything wrong with an episodic style – I don’t believe it’s what I use, but to each his own. That being said, the biggest problem I had was that while it’s well-stated that there’s a global war going on, the sense of real geography and time-progression seems strained.]
| A big Fan chapter 8 . 3/5/2009
PLEASE update please please please please and by the way Black Hand officers seem pretty professional I think it is more like the Rangers and Delta Force they are both Elite groups within the same government they just work in different ways and styles.
| cHr0n0sPh3r3 chapter 8 . 2/20/2009
Mate, blow my mind, you make usually boring parts of stories awesomely exciting and your combat depiction is even better, hard pressed to find anything wrong with this story. Also your geo-political extrapolation is top notch, keep it up, arguably the best CnC Fanfic i've read thus far
| Megalomaniac2 chapter 8 . 2/11/2009
I'm still really enjoying this! Although I notice that you tend to use 'wreck' when I think you mean 'wreak'. Keep it up!
| Metalix chapter 1 . 1/7/2009
Excelent wrighting. It feel's like a actual Command and Conquer narration.
| one-village-idiot chapter 8 . 1/6/2009
Nice to see an update. It's a good chapter, and the new writing style works for me.