|Reviews for Ranma wolf Shampoo's guardian|
| Ranmaleopard chapter 1 . 2/5/2012
this is really awesome i cant wait to see what happens next please continue!
| the naru foxxx chapter 2 . 7/22/2010
PLeas up date soon
| the naru foxxx chapter 1 . 7/22/2010
| emeraldeyes.kylie chapter 2 . 4/15/2010
you have got to continue this soo amazing story!
i would really appreciate it if you continue this story...
you're an amazing writer.
| zinxtor chapter 2 . 10/25/2009
The plot is good but u need work on making everything fit together
| Ganheim chapter 2 . 6/30/2009
Me: I started watching the Ranma series and I wanted to write this fanfiction! So I’ve finally started. Hooray! Sorry if I’m bad at writing at this… Plus I have nothing to do and I feel stressed out…
[Been there. No, wait, I am there]
Ranma had just been pulled out of the pit filled with cats.
[This tells us what just happened, but it’s almost glaringly direct and lacks the narrative flair of something a few sentences longer. It might look better to describe the yowling of cats as Ranma’s drawn up out of the thrashing of the pit, with him cut and terrified while his father pulls him out like (from what to Ranma’s perspective) might seem a hand from the gods]
“Jeeze Pops, what’d you do that for!”
[Ranma has whined like this on many occasions, but even in the very comically-oriented canon the nekoken is given much more serious treatment. He’s scratched and frozen in fear (even almost a decade later Ranma becomes a gibbering mess just on the sight of cats)]
With Ranma in tatters they continued their journey to Jusenkyo.
[You haven’t given us a lot of close detail to indicate passage of time or state of the characters: in case you didn’t know, Ranma was a small child when his father tried to make him learn the nekoken – both manga and anime explicitly state that it must be done as a child. Ranma also typically enters Jusenkyo as a teen (~15), but this line or the following ‘after walking endlessly’ doesn’t give us a sense of a long time passing. If you’d cut to a new paragraph and used ‘Ranma shook his head out of the memory of that day long ago’ or something like that, then we’d know what you’re reminding us of. As it is, it sounds like he goes straight from one to another, but Ranma didn’t leave Japan (at least in canon) until later in his teens. You _could_ change that, but you need to tell the audience clearly that only a small passage of time passes – also remember that Ranma’s injured, Genma would at least stop and clean him up, maybe they depart for Jusenkyo the next day]
“Why a martial artist like me should know!”
[Genma was using a martial artist tourist pamphlet]
He was then banged off to the side a bit
[This informs us, but is relatively passive: it’s ‘something that happened’, rather than the more active sentence grammar that tells us that something _happens_, like this:]
The eerily still pool rushed up at him when something barreled into him from the side, the blow sending him and the young girl who deflected him into different springs.
[Missing closing period]
(sorry if my Chinese sucks,
[It’s okay if you’re using the internet to do some work (like translating) for you, but it looks bad to jam an author’s note mid-chapter. Place them at the end and the audience will learn what information you think they need without disrupting the flow of the narrative]
possibly not the one that saved wolf.
[The narrative of the story could be smoother, and I think the uncertainty hurts the story here. Just saying ‘but protective of the one that saved’ or not saying anything at all about it and let the story tell that point as your chapters progress]
both get characteristics of those animals.”
[Or, more specifically, those behavior/personality traits]
Genma jumped out of the spring, in cursed form of course,
[You gave descriptions (sufficient, I credit) for the other curses, but this one gets none? If just for consistency it would quite possibly be better to give at least a few details. Remember that a lot of people (especially the creative ones) gave new and interesting curses]
and Chinese style cloths.
[Please look up Chinese textiles/clothing: it’s very broad. She wears a lot of different stuff, and while her common cheongsam probably wouldn’t fit there are a lot of garbs that would. Use the internet, the data is out there]
will like him’ the
[Missing comma after ‘him’]
thought to herself
[Missing period after ‘herself’]
the handsome young man
[Weren’t you just describing those people as children, either pre-teens or in the early teens (judging by the Nekoken and following lack of time passage descriptions)?]
throat (No, he’s not in cursed form)
[I think that the note that he’s not in cursed form is important, but stating so in a mid-chapter author’s note isn’t the way to do so. Easing it into the narrative (maybe have Genma look and think ‘but he’s back to his old self, what’s up?’) would look better]
As your father I shall permit you to not have an attachment to this young lady.
[You mean he will _not_ permit?]
ai ni” Shampoo said
[Missing closing comma after ‘ni’]
I am Colonge,
[Spelling, missing closing punctuation]
the boy Shampoo is currently kissing is my son Ranma.
[It is very OOC for Genma not to be panicking at this]
escape Shampoo embrace.
bamboo shouts and vines.
[shoots. And there’s no such thing as ‘bamboo vines’]
“They think men dishonor our planet.”
[Obviously not the joketsuzoku (due to the latter’s marriage laws)]
Ranma began getting excited seeing the amazon women.
[Why? Manga made it clear that he never seemed much interested while he was there. Except Shampoo]
and take time to collect dew from them.
[Poor grammar: either bad tense, missing word(s) or sentence fragment]
the last time you were here was when Dinosaurs roamed this land!:
[That’s way too far to try to stretch your audiences’ suspense of disbelief]
[Cologne, or ‘Khulon/Khu Lon’ as I’ve seen it transliterated in some fanfics. And the empty ellipsis doesn’t help anything]
(And it comes in 7 different accessible colors! )
[Pointless mid-text author’s note]
(By guy I mean as a human)
[This is important information that should be clear in the regular narrative, not stated as if an afterthought in an author’s note. Besides, mid-text ANs are bad form]
Although the idea of Ranma having a different curse (and other characters being thrown into different circumstances) are interesting, the execution is a little flawed. Genma’s being nearly obtuse enough (it _was_ his prime goal in canon to get Ranma to the Tendos, and him having a curse that turned him into a girl wasn’t enough to stop him earlier). Cologne is being strangely straightforward – she seemed to enjoy a bit of harmless obfuscation for her own entertainment and to test the younger crowd. Shampoo hasn’t had much action so I can’t say whether or not she’s acting in-character, but I don’t buy the changes to Ranma that very clearly throw him at her. I don’t mind pairings not canon (particularly in Ranma), but they have to have proper development and logical progression: many of these characters are _strangers_ to each other, yet they’re cooperating with insufficient reason. The fact that this hasn’t been updated in months makes me wonder if it’s still ‘active’.
| kitten1596 chapter 2 . 1/3/2009
the first storie was interesting but the 2 one is boring sorry
| PerfectDreamer chapter 2 . 12/14/2008
You have some spelling mistakes but overall I like it.
Ill keep an eye on this one, since I like the idea.
Hope you continue and update soon.
| JhyarelleDrakon chapter 2 . 12/12/2008
| James Birdsong chapter 2 . 12/12/2008
*applauds the two chapters anyhow*
| griffenvamp chapter 1 . 12/11/2008
why would genma give up the tendo agreement?
| vampirelovebites chapter 1 . 11/20/2008
How soon can you update? What will happen? To Aknane(don't mind my spelling)?
| Ryuus2 chapter 1 . 10/12/2008
This is new. I've never encountered a 'Ranma gets a different curse' story before. I've seen 'Ranma doesn't get a curse', 'Ranma accepts his curse', and 'Everybody has a different curse', but never 'Ranma gets a different curse.' I'm really curious to see where you go with this. Of course, my love of wolves and like of R/S might have something to do with it.
| shadowfan999 chapter 1 . 6/23/2008
that was the coolest story i have ever read keep up the good work and continue.
| WolfScythe86 chapter 1 . 11/22/2007
Cool fic, I hope you update it soon. You got a nice and original idea, let's see how it will continue. Take care and good luck!
-Lycaos "Wolf" Scythe.