|Reviews for Mataauhimade Till We Meet Again|
| thisismyworld chapter 1 . 8/28/2011
May I recommend a BETA for your story...
You have a lot of improvements to make and dude, this is only the first chapter. Before you flame other writers' stories, take a minute to look through your own and find out what you're missing.
| L.J. Murder-Root chapter 1 . 6/29/2011
First off, I'd like to start by saying you have a hell of a lot of nerve flaming other's sorties with your views when you yourself aren't that good either. if you want to comment to be helpful, then by all means do that, but you just comment to be a dick. By commenting on (flaming) everything, you just make yourself look like an obsessed fanboy/fangirl.
I just find it quite sad that you feel the need to flame so many people so you can try to make them express your narrow minded views, instead of enjoying their creativity.
| Yozakura Quartet chapter 1 . 3/6/2011
I'm liking this already. That nightmare you added is one of the scarcly seen nightmares in fanfics. Finally someone used it. I like how you made his memories show in his dreams.
| KyuubiLover100 chapter 1 . 12/26/2010
Like you said: At least I'm trying
I'm not trying to impress you but you are getting really annoying and DISRESPECTFUL to me with the constant NEGATIVE comments on my stuff. I'm only 14 and you're whatever age you are. I'm going to be nice and not criticize you (boring read) but to ask you to stop commenting on the stories I write. I don't care if you don't like them, others do.
| Vanity-Is-Insanity.XX chapter 1 . 9/10/2010
While I'm not here to flame, I am here to critique.
No, I will not sugar-coat; you were blunt enough with my story, and besides- I'm a 13 year old girl. Blame it on the freaking hormones!
Sorry that I can't go into details, I need to be somewhere.
First off, your thoughts as a writer are extremely hard to folllow. You're bouncing everywhere, and it gets horribly confusing.
Second, your story is practically destroying my mind with the cliche-ness of it all!
Anyway, I need to go, so I might review later.
| Raphael Fitchburne chapter 16 . 6/17/2010
Okay. First, I want to apologize to everyone, especially to the author, about my first review for this story. My best friend Sarah sent that one. I usually don’t review other peoples’ work because I think that I’m not that good enough at writing to pinpoint mistakes or to give advice. This is my first time doing it. I will only write my honest opinion. There are two reviews under my name. She both sent those.
Let’s go to business. I read her review and I think she has a point. She told me that she had read the first chapter only. Don’t get mad, okay, but she said that she had already lost interest just after reading your first paragraph. It’s a pity because you definitely have a good plot and interesting characters. She said that it was too messy. This is my opinion: she was telling the truth. First, the number eight. Then the missing commas. Then some missing words. It can’t be avoided at first, really. But I’ll give you one unforgettable lesson I’ve learned: Never rush. Quality is eternally better than quantity. Never sacrifice quality so that you can quickly fill the whole paper up. Writing takes time.
Next is punctuation. Please, if you really want to improve, buy “Elements of Style” by Strunk and White. It’s pocket-sized and cheap, but it will really help you. All the most important things to remember in writing are written on that little book. If it’s not available, you can download cues from the internet. I found some misused commas and wrong rendering after a quotation mark, usually in your dialogues. Inspect them closely and you’ll see.
Then, omit unnecessary words. It’s from the little book, too. Let me give you an example from your work. ."Have you found what we are looking for after all this time?"—from Chapter 1. There are so many redundant words here. Isn’t it better just to ask, “Have you found them?” It’s more natural, more urgent—because I think that the man in the throne was excited to see Raikoh—and clearer that way, right? I mean, Raikoh definitely was aware that he was looking for what the man in the throne and his colleagues were looking for all that time, right? Or I was wrong in my interpretation of the sentence. It’s not clear to me if the man in the throne was making it clear to Raikoh that they were looking for the missing for a long time, or he was pertaining to the time Raikoh had spent searching.
If the man in the throne was talking about the time limit, change the question. Make it, “After all the time that has been given to you, have you found them?” or “I expect some good news. Well?” or “It has been long since you left. Have you found them?” If he was trying to tell Raikoh something about the missing, I would tell you that it’s not necessary anymore. Don’t think that the readers would not know. There were already indicators that the missing was important to the characters in the scene. Avoid stating the obvious. Apply the Iceberg Theory of Hemmingway. Only the tip shows but you know that it has a massive body underneath. I found a lot of dialogue here that sound unnatural. Sorry.
Then, name your characters the first time they show up. It’s forgivable if the character has only a micro-role in the scene and only used once. However, if they have important roles, acquaint them to the readers immediately. Remember that you are writing fiction. This is not manga or anime that you can see the face of a character and recognize him or her immediately if he or she shows up from nowhere. Not naming characters is only effective if you know that that character needs to be shadowy or mysterious in the story. Besides, you would know something about the character, even subtly, by his or her name. It was cumbersome to use “man in the throne” all the time. Also, you limit his movements. What if the old man in the throne is to use the latrine? Or do something that requires him to be of another appearance? Please, introduce him to me as you would introduce a friend.
Then, the accuracy that Sarah has pointed out. You know, when you write sword, you pertain to a sword from our real world, right? So, when you write “made of dull silver,” in our world, it’s what it is. Unless you change the name of something, it will be what it is in reality. So be careful with that. I will not argue with Sarah on her point with the armor. If you have already watched the Clash of the Titans, you might argue that silver could be used. Zeus had a silver armor. But, they were gods. They could prioritize beauty because they were immortal. You can do that if you have convincing reasons.
Then, the descriptions that Sarah was against. I disagree with her. Maybe she feels that you treat her like an idiot, but I don’t see that here. For me, you tried to show me the scenes. It is a good attitude. The only thing is you should describe more through actions, movements, reactions. That way the story will be full of life.
Then, try reading your story aloud. What do you think? Does it sound good? You know, I’m a Filipino. English is only our second language. Imagine how hard it is for me to construct sentences with good sounds. Sometimes after I’ve written a sentence and read it aloud, I’d suddenly perk up, asking, “Is it my imagination or it really sounds funny?” Some of the reviews for my fics pointed that out to me. I have to read a lot, maybe twice a lot than people in the US, Canada, Europe, or Australia so that it will be like I’m surrounded by the English language and my ears will be familiar with its sound. Also, the way you make your sentences sound tell the readers your style of storytelling; are you impatient, bubbly, eloquent, that kind of thing. Listen up. Some of your sentences were too long I was out of breath after reading it. Then some sounded awkward and repetitive. Please, pay real close attention to that.
Then, before submitting your story for publishing, reread it at least twice, so that you can rectify mistakes. You won’t be able to spot all, but you will decrease them, dramatically, decreasing also the burden on the reader. Why is this important? Because the brilliant plot in your mind will surface clearly on the paper. We, the readers, can relax and tell ourselves, “I see, so that’s what he’s trying to show. That’s what it’s all about.” It is obvious. You have the mind that generates stories. You just have to show us those stories in a way that makes sense, coherent, and clear.
Research quotes on writing. Learn what the true glory really is for a writer. Satisfy yourself first. Are you really satisfied with your current work? Or you are the kind that would say, “I think I have a good story. I want people to praise me for it. I should submit it immediately and be published.” Stephen King, like most successful writers, keeps his manuscript for a month in the drawer. When he is sure that he doesn’t remember how he wrote it, he would reread it and rewrite it ruthlessly before he submits it for publishing. Thomas Harris, the author of the Silence of the Lambs, treats writing as extremely hard work, usually rewriting and rewriting a paragraph until it’s perfect for his taste. I don’t say that you should be a perfectionist, but be as close to it as possible. Pressure yourself in thinking that your readers will find your mistakes in detail and if you don’t pay attention closely to your work, you’ll get embarrassed for it.
Sorry, this is a little long. This is my first time and I really want you to get better at writing. You have the spark. Just read a lot. I read two to three chapters of any written material before I sleep. If I’m not busy, I read or watch movies. But just don’t read to know the story. Study how the author presented the story, too. Then, don’t think you’re already good enough. I, despite the knowledge that I know now in writing, always think of myself as a novice. That way I don’t discriminate among the things that people are trying to teach me. Every insult is welcome. Every criticism. Every advice.
You don’t need to get a literary course to be a good writer. You just need to be observant, levelheaded, and patient. Maybe you’re thinking that I’m taking English or Literature for me to have so much to say. No. I’m an engineering student. I learned everything mostly from criticism and insults. It pushed me to explore more the world of writing.
I hope this review has given you some tips to improve your writing.
I’m just a beginner so you can ignore this or retort at me with your observations, too. I welcome them because I learn from them. I encourage you to pinpoint everything that I might have missed or is not of your taste. You know what I’m waiting for? A review that will tell me why they hate or love my work.
See yah! I hope I helped even in a little way. Sorry again for my friend’s uncalled-for unforgiving review. (I scolded her for it. Really annoying.) She was just miffed because of your review to my work. When someone sends a review for my work, she always reads the work of those whose reviews are somewhat negative. We had a fight because of that. Anyway, thank you for the review on my Naruto fanfic. Appreciate it very much!
| Zeitgeist84 chapter 12 . 6/13/2010
You were quite to the point in your review of GOSPEL, so I will be frank with your fic as well, so don't get offended or anything. Your thoughts are all over the place. It is messy and hard to understand at times. Your grammar is off the mark a lot: If you're writing in past tense Third Person, stick to that. Don't switch past and present tense. Your sentences often turn into run-ons that become repetitive and shows no flare for language. If you want to have a good fic, at least entice people with new words. If you keep saying the same thing over and over again, no one will be interested and move on to the next fic. Also, your sentences are often very wordy. They're not wordy in the that you use a complex lingua or anything, but you add too much unneeded jargon that serve the same purpose of a filler word in your sentences. This turns your sentences, as I said earlier, into run-ons that seem to have neither a coherent thought nor point to it. Sometimes it looks like you're trying to write just to up your word count. That's a big no no, writing for words often leads to choppy or uneven sentences that confuse the reader to the actual point of the chapter. Now don't be offended by this, but that leads to another question:
Is there a point to the story? Do you have a reason to write it other than for the sake of writing? Because it seems you don't, and that leads to poor, shallow, underdeveloped stories. You need to have something that you want to get across to the audience that is reading it if you really want a story that you yourself and others will enjoy. If you don't, then you've failed to do anything but give a Harry Potter-type book/fic with little meaning and even less means to enjoy it. You've failed to tell the readers out there what you think of the world, you've failed to incorporate themes that would make your fic one of the strongest of the bunch on this site. If you're only going to write it so you can fill up your free time with something to do, it would be fine if you weren't capable of anything more... But not using that brain of yours, and I know you have a better one than most, to give the fic more meaning and making it more memorable... that is absolutely CRIMINAL! You have to go back to the drawing board to make the fic worth reading so it can tell me something about what you think of society, life, or philosophy, whatever. That is a fic worth reading.
Another problem you have, the last of your problems would have to be your characters. Now, I know this may come across as a strange thing to say, but they're too in character! You follow Kishimoto's ideal of the characters far too closely that I sometimes wonder if you think about that more than your actual fic. Kishimoto made Naruto the way he was because that was the Naruto that would fit best with the story idea he had, you are severely limited in that regard. You can only change Naruto as Kishimoto does, and that leaves you with a character too shallow in the terms of your story. If a character can't change as an author wants him to completely, then the character doesn't change, right? That leads to shallow character progression and uninteresting character. If I wanted to read a Naruto who progresses like Canon, I would just read Canon again. I want, and I'm fairly sure most readers want an original character that sprouts up from Naruto that can entice them into the story, not the exact same guy he is Canon. That can be a smaller change, or a radical change, but everyone, EVERYONE, in a story usually changes! You've limited yourself severely, and unfortunately, you're too far along to fix this mistake.
So here's what I suggest you do:
1.) Go to the nearest bookstore and check out books on story-telling and grammar improvement. You should also take as many English Lit classes as possible in your high-school or college. This will help you immensely. Trust me when I say it will. There is no doubt in my mind that with a little help that you can be writing like the famous authors do.
2.) You strike me as a writer, but not a reader. Read more. Particularly classics and renowned novels. These books are a godsend in your library that can give you so many tips on how to write, and incorporate themes into your story.
3.) Incorporate themes into your story. A book or a fic without one is trash, 'nuff said.
4.) This can't be fixed in this fic, per se, but it can be in the next few you write. Don't be afraid to EXPERIMENT with the characters. No one is going to flame or bash the crap out of you, don't be afraid to experiment, it will never hurt.
| Raphael Fitchburne chapter 2 . 6/11/2010
Okay. I just want to give my opinion so don't sulk on me. I don't really review others' work because I'm not that good yet in my writing. However, your review to my "Seeking Freedom" was interesting, I thought why not tell you a piece of my mind as well. First, you need to rewrite this. Second, buy the book "Elements of Style" by Strunk and White. Know about that? He said there, "Omit unnecessary words. Make every word count." Third, balance. I notice that you hate short sentences. Believe me. Short sentences make the impact. Incorporate them every now and then. Fourth, I feel that I'm reading. After your first paragraph, the spell was lost. Why? Because you don't give me the time to imagine. You write everything for me. Fifth, this is the most important. Read a lot, preferably the best sellers. I sense that you love to write a lot, but you read little. Sixth, if you really want to write well, you don't need to indicate "Flashback/Dream." Write it in a way that I will understand that the scene has happened more earlier than the actual plane of time where the narrator is. Settle everything in writing. Learn how to draw the readers as if you were chanting a spell. Seventh, don't dwell on description so much. You treat me like an idiot who could not imagine on my own. Ask yourself if you have to describe something, or if it is really needed. Eight, look here. "A man in ancient armor made of dull silver, highlighted in red-(you forgot the comma here)-approached the 8 flight of platform stairs." I'll transform it into, "A man in red armor(Don't say silver. It's the best conductor among metals. The man will be cooked inside.), bordered in brass, which reflected the sun, threaded the ground slowly in the direction of the tall stairway." See? The question here is how the man approached the stair. Inspect you writing and find ways to improve them. Be more specific. And before I forget. Accuracy. As I've pointed out, no smith will forge an armor from silver. First it's soft, like how you can put your teethmarks on gold. Second,it's highly conductive. The armor could be steel, or brass even though it's heavy, but never silver or gold. I laugh at anime characters who has gold armors. Okay. Lastly, I applaud how you are trying to be detailed. But, pick the details to include. Read a lot and you'll know how.
Hope I help. You were frank with my work so I told you my opinion as honestly as I can.
| Piccylo chapter 1 . 6/5/2010
I had thought perhaps when I had seen your mostly legitimate critique of another person's fic that you had held yourself to your own standard against Gary Stu's taking over a fic, so I came over to your account to sample a little of your writing.
You do not practice what you preach.
Perhaps that's a little unfair of an observation; after all, it has been a while since you've updated this fic, this was your first fic on here, and perhaps you are learning better now. I myself had written Mary Sues in my youth and I'm still shocked that I wasn't called out on it. The actual prose isn't that bad (considering the site you're writing on), but somehow feels like it's trudging, making it feel very cumbersome to read. Perhaps you try too hard in your descriptions, which is a common problem with young writers. Your starting premise is obviously more than a little cliche and I'm sure that's been pointed out to you by now.
I suggest that your next fic should saunter away from OCs for a little while; I can't say don't write OCs since I use them myself, but you seem to have been made unsettled by them and the Sues/Stues that follow. Do fics that don't use them, try to use canon characters as often as possible, explore using lesser-known or written characters, and then insert necessary OCs when you feel ready again.
Until then, I'd suggest not misleading others into thinking you hold yourself to a higher standard when we have all the evidence to the contrary, as the review that I had found by you is quite recent, but your own writing is not.
| Amixed chapter 1 . 11/30/2009
You're thoughts are too messy as a writer...I was hoping this would be better but it sort of failed. You should consider getting to know the characters you are writing about a little better before you create fictional stories about their lives.
| DramaDelicacy chapter 1 . 8/2/2009
ugh! i HATE how good you are at describing things! all of my stories are so bad cuz i can barely describe the surroundings, even the ones i made not for fanfiction! ugh!
im gonna re-read your story cuz it sounds interesting now.
:( how can you get so detailed? T..T
peace out :)
| Gravity The Wizard chapter 1 . 6/9/2009
| denymeeverything chapter 1 . 10/15/2008
Your story, so far, is extremely cliche, I'm sorry to say. And your OC is extremely...Mary/Gary Sue-ish.
Don't believe me? Take this quiz. w. .
Your language is over romanticized to the max as well. But after a little polishing up and rereading -check for grammar/spelling-then your story is okay.
Right now though, I shiver. I'm a little too scared to move on to the next chapter.
| lonedaisy chapter 1 . 9/29/2008
HM...don't know what to make of it yet but so far so good.
| Kuchiki Yumeka chapter 1 . 8/21/2008
Hogosha Mouka? Hen Na Namae! BTW It's not 'Dream End'. Its either 'Dream EndS' or 'End of Dream'
How to Improve:
1. Numbers 10- should not be written numerically.
2. After speech, you should ALWAYS capitalize the next word.
3. Re-read you work.
4. Treat other writers the way YOU want to be treated, that
goes to my friend haruno-sakura-x on her first fanfic. I
noticed that your 'review' was particularly disrespectful and
Your descriptions are quite good but I have to say, no ones going to use your OCs if they resemble you so much.
“That is wonderful music, may I ask what you were playing...?”the man smiled and the answer he only gotten was a nod ‘No’.
An dno, I'm not saying my fanfics are better than yours. I'm just telling the truth.
'Later'...Ja Na, Gaki