|Reviews for Don't Let the Moment Pass You By|
| mcgthatsme chapter 3 . 2/3/2008
Good story! I'm disappointed you haven't written more... :(
They're both a little ooc, but like you said, it is a fanfic. Other than that, it flows nicely and it's good writing.
| Tom Kingsly chapter 3 . 8/1/2007
Well, over the last two chapters i've nioticed you're still 'telling' me the story a little more than 'showing' me the story but the improvements there, it feels a lot smoother in the flow now.
However, you did make one whopper of a mistake here. In the smae paragraph as where Faye 'relaizes' Spike's head is in her lap, you jump to her point of view. the rest of the chapter is in Spike's point of view so instead of jumping into faye's thoughts, its better to show what she's thinking. A good way to do this was with her blushing (which you did) but instead of having her slowly move away, have her rush it, maybe accidently knock spike in the head amidst her flumoxing.
Still, a nice little filler; although in fairness unless its relevent to the plot -and thus sannot be called filler- it isn't a good idea to go off on a totally random tangent. Doing this may lead to confusion of the ultimate plot on the perspective of the story.
Hope that offers some small help and keep writing.
| Tom Kingsly chapter 1 . 7/27/2007
How sweet, I liked it.
As much as I believe Spike (sort of) didn't live through the last episode, its a nice idea to eneratin and no less fun to read or write about.
The characters didn't seem tha far off, I mean when your comrade, buddy, lover -whatever the hell Spike is to Faye- dies, its kinda difficult to be your usual stuck up self. And as for Spike; smirking, being a general lunkhead...can't go wrong with that.
And now to put on my pedantic lecturers hat and point out some criticism.
First of all i noticed you mention Spike gets tossed out of a sub-way, I think you mean monorail since a sub-way would be below ground and when Vincent gives Spike the old heave-ho he's very much above ground. Not a bad mistake, i just thought i'd point it out.
Next and a far bigger problem that is so easy to trip up on is portraying emotion. We get a good feel of how sad Faye is, crying, cold, that sense of longing to tell Spike those words. You build it really well. But when it comes to her happiness, you just kind of say it.
"She was so happy to finally have said it..."
and that she hummed the tune because it "made her happy"
Its a little bland, consider contrasting the cold of her lonliness with warmth in her chest or stomach (warmth in the chest can sometimes be read as anger and using slightly more childish words like "she felt her tummy warm" does a nice job of portraying the innocence of happiness.)
Last point to make is that with the last line you switch to Spike's feelings, changing point of view is generally considered 'improper' in literature without a noticable divide beyond a simple paragraph break. It might have been better to have Faye think Spikes reply was better this time.
I still enjoyed it though, I mean thats a lot I've just yammered on about but don't worry yourself they're all easy mistakes that EVERYONE should be on the look out for, myself included of course.
As for continuing it, I don't know. You're work definatly merits further reading but this story has that "AH" ending that really doesn't need much more on. Of course it could also make for a nice oppening to a story of Faye pursuing Spike, maybe he loves her back, maybe he doesn't, maybe he can't remember her telling him and now Faye has to say it again...to an awake Spike!
Anyway, thats one long reply so I'll just say, whether you continue it or not, I look forward to reading some more Bebop from you.