|Reviews for A Broken Past|
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
Loved it Dog! Write more yo!
| The Leaf 180 chapter 1 . 5/23/2011
Just a word of advice, a bit more breaks in the paragraphs would have been easier to read. Especialy when there is talking, i lost myself a lot in the big paragraphs...heh
But otherwise it was a sweet story, (I'm not too good at the complementing part, sorry) but I loved it all the same.
And you probably know this by now but its "Minato" not "Arashi"
| Tenjoin Asuka chapter 1 . 3/25/2010
That was a beautiful and sad ending
keep it up
| Straw Hat chapter 1 . 7/26/2008
That was so sad you made me cry i felt so sorry for Kakashi.
| cloudydreams4 chapter 1 . 12/25/2007
ah soo sad! poor kakashi!
you should really continue writing! its so good!
| Amethyst DragonRider chapter 1 . 12/13/2007
Really good, and sad. I can never help but feel sorry for Kakashi...
PS: Kakashi's sensei's name was Namikaze Minato, not Arashi.
I hope I didn't offend...(looks around nervously)
| Lover of Deidara chapter 1 . 10/21/2007
Ah, you believed the Arashi theory, too? Aww...
You know his name's Namikaze Minato, right? -
Anyway, very good job. I've never read a better K fanfiction
| castingallelseaside chapter 1 . 9/26/2007
This was so awesome! Really amazing. Your story was so detailed. I'm a kakashi fan too.
| SongoftheDarquePhoenix chapter 1 . 8/31/2007
So sad... you did a great job though.
| vincents1lover chapter 1 . 8/21/2007
ASOME! OMFVG! I LOVED IT!
| toastxkun chapter 1 . 7/28/2007
i feel so sorry for kakashi!
great story love it!
| Reidluver chapter 1 . 7/28/2007
Darn! You made me practically cry! That was an amazing story about Kakashi when he grew up. Everything was captured perfectly, and you showed how he changed. I agree with you why Kakashi wears the mask. I only wish that we could see his face someday!
| Orodruin chapter 1 . 7/27/2007
Hn... To tell you the truth, I didn't get very far. I only made it through the first quarter, about. It's really hard to read because of the formatting. I would strongly suggest using the Edit and Preview functions in the document manager on this site before posting anything. In preview, you can see exactly what it will look like when you post it, and in edit you can make changes, save them, and then use preview to make sure they came out how you like.
Mostly, make sure you're starting a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks. You can also start a new paragraph when someone replies to speech with actions or thoughts-for example, when the nurse was telling Sakumo about his baby and Sakumo nodded... That would be a good new paragraph. Because of the formatting on this site, the writing you do in some programs is all crammed together when you upload it, so it's important to check and make sure that hasn't happened. If it has, it's important to put in paragraph breaks between paragraphs in the edit mode...
Also, when you skip a lot of time, add larger breaks. The edit mode has a break line you can put into your writing for this purpose. For example, you need one of those between the scene where Kakashi's born/named and when he's visiting the city with his dad, and then another when you say a year has passed. You definitely need one whenever a substantial amount of time has passed. It's just easier to read that way.
Other than that, your grammar and spelling seems pretty reasonable... There are a few points: Sakumo's mouth can drop open, but multiple Sakumos mouth doesn't make any sense. You need an apostrophe to make names possessive... And the other one was just a misuse of words, I think... Sakumo tells Kakashi about the 'redeemed Hokage' (you can redeem a coupon, for example, but I'm not sure what you could redeem a Hokage for...) but I think you mean 'esteemed Hokage' (this means the HOkage is held in high regard or with great respect)... maybe you really meant redeemed... but that would be really strange of him to say in this circumstance... You might also make a note that things like "mother" and "father" aren't proper names or proper titles, and should not be capitalized in the middle of a sentence, just like "sister", "brother", or "friend" normally aren't capitalized. Unless that's actually the person's name, like in young children's picture books.
That's all I really have to critisize... you have a fairly good writing style that I could see improving with practice, just make sure to go through all the mundane editing things that will make it enjoyable to read, too. Hopefully I didn't come across as too harsh... I'm a big fan of pre-series Kakashi so I like to see well-done fics about him... I think if you clean this up a little, more people will enjoy reading it.