|Reviews for Head Case|
| chimney leaf chapter 1 . 3/12/2011
Brilliantly written and harrowing, but, and I never thought that I'd say this, Gohan's presence in the story almost completely voided any satisfaction in reading it for me. OK maybe he wasn't expecting the guy to pull the trigger but after the first shot he would surely be right there with his hand over the barrel of the gun. 74 seconds is too long a time to expect him to stand slack-jawed doing nothing until the bullets run out. I think it would have been more affecting to have him turn up right at the end just a little too late.
| Zephyr.Camida chapter 1 . 7/1/2010
I loved this! I don't think I've read anything like it so far in my thundering through DBZ fanfics. It's really sad, to know that things like these can happen in real life too, with not much to stop it. I was a little surprised that Gohan didn't step in to save the day, but at the same time I doubt even he was prepared to deal with someone who was insane...and not the take-over-the-universe kind. I'm guessing he was just as frozen as Videl herself. Your descriptions were wonderful as well. Not too much of a focus, but just enough that you could grasp how gruesome the event was. The end of it almost caused me to pause, but I finished it and the impact was deep. Great job~ *favs*
| Invisible Firebending Ninja chapter 1 . 5/10/2008
Uurge...pretty grusom. Couldn't have have made it a little less dark?
| dbz-lover91 chapter 1 . 2/1/2008
Whoa, I hope you are not getting tired of me.
I just HAD to review of all, I wish to say that I really appreciate your responses to my reviews. I thank you.
Your works are honestly are in a group to themselves. i have no idea how you come up with your material but it certainly explores themes that I haven't seen explored before.(Not that that is a bad thing). This definitely shows that NOBODY is invincible and that many of the things that occur can seem unfathomable and unpredictable.
In response to your author's notes,I must address the statement about Videl being 'cocky'. (which she is, lol)
If it was any other character (besides Vegeta because, well, that's so HIM)a viewer could seriously despise them but Videl is different. I think she dsiplays 'cockiness' is because so many people underestimate her and that ALWAYS gives her a supreme advantage over her opponents; they don't expect this petite and pretty girl to be able to kick the butts of guys FOUR times her size. Also, we all have to face it, if we had her kind of strength 9especially us girls) we would ALL be a little cocky. With the exception of the Z fighters (Of whom at first she possesed no knowledge), she is arguably the strongest human on the planet and just LOOK at her! There's no way you'd expect that from her even Gohan was impressed (His jaw almost touched the floor when he saw her deck that Red-shark gang member). Nearly all of those thugs patronise her by calling her 'little girl' and she's thinking : You think I'm just some little doll face do ya? TAKE THAT! We also must not forget the fact that Videl (poor misinformed girl, don't you love her) actually DID think that Hercule was the strongest guy and being his daughter gave her a advantage. So I really don't blame her for her 'untouchable' attitude; Even with it she is one of the most endearing heroines to ever grace the screen.
I think it's great that you made a point of the fact that not even GOHAN managed to foresee the tragedy that transpired, let alone was able to prevent it and he's a super-strong saiyan! That is what makes the 'moral' of your story applicable to all cases; There is NO certainty in any aspect of life if you think about it, no matter what the 'odds' seem to dictate. Life can do a 180 degreed spin like THAT *clicks fingers*
Man, really deep deep.
Keep up the good work!
| mischeifmaiden chapter 1 . 8/4/2007
I don't know how you can sleep after writing that. I was crying at the infants death although it was fiction. It would be so horrible if thatwere to happen in the real world. This is not a flame but I think you have a future in writing drama or a movie that has a lot of angst and violence. This sort of thing if someone were to see it in reality, would scar them for life, but it would make them stornger, mentally and emotionally in the long run.
| Rain Check chapter 1 . 7/29/2007
I wasn't sure what exactly to think when I first started reading this. I know violence in your stories is not your kind of thing so I was a bit miffed as to why you might write such a thing. But, to tell you the truth, after just a few sentences, I got really into it.
I mean, as far as the grammar goes, you did nearly perfect. There is just that one mistake where it says "...when he saw what lay in before him in the parking lot." I'm pretty sure you didn't mean to put that extra "in", in there after lay.
Now, as far as the insane guy goes, you did a pretty good job of describing him and getting the details just right, at least, you did at first. I started to feel a little bit less of a connection with him the second that you introduced Videl into the story. It was like the whole idea just shifted a bit out of focus. I do understand that this is a fanfiction, which does indeed mean that it was written to include characters from a certain show (in this case DBZ). However, I do feel that you could have gone more into what the man was seeing, thinking when he started to fire that gun and then added more detail to his reaction when he realized the truth of what he had done. (In my opinion this would have made a better independent story one-shot than a fanfiction since the crazy man almost seemed to be your main character in the beginning until you switched things around to focus on everybody but him.)
Also, while the whole bloody/violent scene with the crazy man was going on in the story some of your details where rather confusing or inaccurate.
"...and all she could hear was a long, pain-filled screech as a single bullet slammed into the baby the woman was carrying.
She felt suddenly cold as the woman fell lifelessly to the ground, dropping the still-screaming infant to the blacktop as the doors behind her fully opened."
This set of words was EXTREMELY confusing. At least, to me it was. I thought I must have missed something because I didn’t understand how the woman was dead and the baby was alive although it was shot and the woman “was not”. You see, in the case that this was a machine gun, and this was a crazy man using it, as you have described, I doubt that he would be swinging that machine gun around with the precision and aim of a person in a normal set of mind. In other words, the man would probably be swinging that gun around wildly. In such a case, a reader could not possibly assume that, that bullet, which could be coming from all kinds of directions, would pierce straight through the baby (miraculously leaving it alive) and then pierce into it’s mother, killing her. Honestly, it would have had to pierce through a VITAL organ of the mother’s in order to kill her instantly and I don’t see how, if the mother was holding the baby properly, it could have pierced through the baby’s tiny body, missing all of it’s vital organs, and gone straight into one of hers which would then kill her instantly. In other words, more clarification, or maybe a bit of a change in how both deaths happen, would be better for the flow of the story.
“One minute and fourteen seconds had passed since the trigger had been pulled initially.”
This phrase is a little too precise for me. I highly doubt that anyone at the scene was so “not in shock” that they pretty much set their watch on a timer from the start to the finish of the shooting scene. More than likely they may have glanced at their watch once before happening upon the scene and nothing more than simply that.
“Eyes still wide, he pulled a pistol from his back pocket, cocked it, and placed it between his own horror-stricken eyes before quickly pulling the trigger. His body slumped to the ground, his lead lying mere inches away from the baby he had just killed.”
Well, okay, here we go. In this set of sentences you described that the man took out a pistol and used it to kill himself. Firstly, the way that you described him killing himself is not commonly a way that anybody kills themselves. Yes, somebody can take their own life that way, but, I extremely doubt that anybody would use that manner since it is extremely unnatural if you try to even imitate doing so yourself. The more likely way would be to take their own life by a pistol shot to the side of their head, at the temple.
Also, in the case that he used a pistol to shoot himself, his head would not be blown off cleanly enough to roll over and really be recognizable as a head anymore. Pistols are not really powerful enough to blow the head off cleanly. However, it might blow a good-sized chunk out of his head, or leave a good-sized gaping hole in it at any rate. If he had used something more like a rifle, his whole head would have probably been blown into unrecognizable fragments.
Finally, I do believe that where you wrote, “lead” in the sentence, you meant to write, “head”. Just wanted to notify you on that so that you could edit it when you can.
One last point I’d like to make is that Gohan seemed a little bit out of character in that last part. Knowing how much he lets his emotions take control of him and how much he acts upon his emotions, he probably would not have seemed as calm or as comforting as you wrote him in there. Seeing so many innocents die in such a cruel manner would have at least sparked somewhat of a sad or angry emotion from him. Although he does indeed care for Videl, I doubt that she would be the only one he would focus on. Also, seeing her get shot, would probably have made him angry or sad as well.
Anyways, I know that I nitpick a lot about things and this seems like an utterly gross flame, but it really isn’t. It’s my way of constructively criticizing a story in order for the author to be able to improve upon their writing. I already love your written works. I just would love even more to see it become something better than what it already is.
I really did like the story overall and the ending sentence was probably the best possible way in which to end the story. It left me wondering, made me think, and yet finished off the whole thing in a few tiny words.
Keep up the good work!
I’ll take a rain check please!
| Vetus Animus chapter 1 . 7/28/2007
wow, that was nuts. good work though.
| TimeShifter chapter 1 . 7/28/2007
Wow. Very nice. You rarely see a concept like this in fanfiction, but you're correct about how Videl treats madmen with guns, and I've thought the same thing myself. It was well-written too. Good job, well done, and all that.
| Noryale chapter 1 . 7/28/2007
That was different, but I surely liked it.
Not too long, not overly described, but all the main ideas and message were greatly passed!
I don't think that there was any OCness at all, and how you ended it showed a very realistic feeling after traumatic experiences. No matter how altruistic you are and sometimes risk yourself for the sake of others, at the end, the thought of your own wellbeing and safety does cross your head.
Great one-shot! Lets hope you keep getting random ideas as good as this one while building car doors :)
| Ahmyrak chapter 1 . 7/28/2007
All I have to say- this was amazing.
I could visualize everything. definitely a favorite
when I log back in sometime.
Very awesome work!
| Lucesco chapter 1 . 7/28/2007
That was intense..
I could almost visualize it O
But nonetheless, great. You're right about explaining the side of that war veteran... People don't just decide to be insane, there are always reasons. That makes this story very human.
Great job! )