|Reviews for The Strawberry and The Fishcake|
| RandomParadox chapter 6 . 3/28/2013
He'll yea. Make another chapter.
| Intus Diaboli chapter 6 . 3/24/2013
| sanbi221 chapter 1 . 3/15/2013
You missed a couple of quotation marks in here. Not many but still, I noticed some. For example this sentance: However before he could continue Naruto spoke again, You don't need to worry Keigo, I'm not some random lecher plus I think I've already got a girl its just not official yet" everyone froze. There should've been a quotation mark before You. Aside from that great story so far.
| phelen.ward chapter 6 . 2/4/2013
are u going 2 turn this into a multi crossover if so just were will u stop it at and can we expect even more babes 2 fall for naruto? good story so far by the way cant wait for the next chp
| Helsng-Naru-Bleach chapter 6 . 12/28/2012
awesome story, if your taking request when the bleach world is done, hellsing maybe with a fem alucard? anyway keep it up
| Namikaze541 chapter 6 . 12/25/2012
Soooo awesome finally read all the chapters took me a couple of days and I love the story. Naruto's personality and the whole being a Walker through Universes is so awesome. I've never heard that before. Do you have plans to do this story to the end of Bleach or will Naruto move on before then. I'm so curious. The blend of great fights regenerating bodies and humour is nice. Makes the story not get boring at. Not a day went by that I wasn't itching the read this.
| Anonymous chapter 6 . 11/30/2012
VERY great story so far, REALLY can't wait to see what happens in this story. (Some ideas) Maybe you could include halibels fraccion (Apache,Mila rose,Sun-sun), and maybe a way of giving naruto the great challenge of earning the ability to give immortality (immune from age, disease but not harm or however you think if you consider it) because these naruto and the girls of his current inner circle don't deserve to be separated by a thin line of life and death. Also try to fix some of the dialogue parts in the story by adding more quotation marks to really see the dialogue of each character. (Any other readers who see this comment, PLEASE encourage this guy to write more i hate to see it stop here)
| Guest chapter 6 . 11/18/2012
Good story I hope you u
| Toby860 chapter 6 . 11/18/2012
wow man i love this story. i sincerly hope that you will continue and will soon return and update this story soon.
| Ranmaleopard chapter 1 . 10/25/2012
this is really awesome and interesting i cant wait to see what happens next please continue!
| Egolenias chapter 6 . 10/24/2012
Dude epic story. Definitely one of the better naruto/bleach stories I've read. One question, when will naruto meet his inner hollow or his hollow take over his body for the first time. (kinda like in ichigo's fight with bykuya)
| Aytheria chapter 1 . 10/5/2012
I don't know whether the grammar of this fic improves later on, but..Okay, I'm just going to be straight with you and say that I really can't take any more, it's just rubbing me the wrong way, mentally. You look like you have a very interesting idea that could go places, but without the proper grammar I'm finding that the story does not read in a coherent manner, so I'd really like to suggest checking out some quick grammar pointers, like grammer do's and dont's. Honestly, it's really very simple once you work out the basic rules for it and if you always stop to ask yourself "is this right or wrong?" and "what am I trying to say here?" then you tend to catch your mistakes.
1. Your versus You're.
'Your' is a possessive. As in 'That's MY car and this one is YOURS'. or, 'YOUR dog is cute.'
It's implying that whatever noun follows is possessed by the subject 'you', just like 'my' and 'his' and 'her' and 'our' and 'their'
'You're' is simply a contraction combining the subject pronoun of 'you' and the conjugated verb 'to be' of 'are'; so 'You are' becomes more easily said as 'You're. "You're wet You are wet". A really easy way of remembering which one is which is to ask yourself whether it's a contraction and to say it as 'You are'.
You can't say "You are dog", so you probably meant to write 'Your dog' possessive.
You can't say "Your a dog" but you CAN say 'You ARE a dog' so you probably meant to write 'You're'. As in, "You're a dog!" (aka archaic insults 101)
2. Their, There, and They're
First is a possessive (see above) as in "THEIR car is blue" The car (which is blue) belongs to THEM.
Second is an adverb describing a PLACE. As in "A house is over THERE" 'There' indicating the location of the house.
Third is (again) a contraction of a pronoun and a verb, in this case the pronoun 'They' and the conjugated 'to be' verb tense of 'are' 'They're'. As in, "They're not going to the party" "They ARE not going to the party". You cannot say "Their not going" because that makes no sense. The verb 'to go' cannot BELONG as an object to 'them' because a) is it not a noun and b)...verbs in a conjugated state that are not gerundive (i.e. a form of verb that functions as a noun, e.g. 'slaying': 'The slaying of the beast was long and bloody' can become 'Their slaying of the beast was long and bloody'...this is the ONLY exception) cannot be possessed by people.
3. Where, We're, Were:
First is a question word enquiring after PLACE: "WHERE is the castle?" "It is over there."
Second is (another) contraction of pronoun and verb 'We' and 'are' "we're", as in: "We're tired We are tired"
Third is a conjugated form of the past tense of the verb 'to be', i.e. 'They were' 'We were' 'You were'.
Etc etc...you can find all these on or other grammar websites that explain this in quick easy steps and I again highly recommend working out the nuances because it makes a world of difference. Trust me when I say you lose more readers within the first few paragraphs alone due to these grammar mistakes than probably anything else. Grammar makes a story - without grammar, the story can't make any sense. You're not writing what you think you're writing, you're not describing the scene how it should be described, etc. When I see 'Their waiting for the train' I read that in my head as 'The waiting that belongs to them which involves the train' and put into context with the rest of the sentence it makes absolutely no sense: "The waiting which belongs to them for the train"...yeah, what?
Second most important thing is style. No one wants to read a story where 'Jane sees dog. Jane is scared. Jane runs from dog." Fortunately, you seem to have developed a fairly descriptive style, but you might want to work on punctuation and run on sentences, as well as experimenting a bit more with diction. (just...don't go overboard on the diction, because a lot of people make the mistake of adding TOO much description and well...it's not true what they say about 'you can never have enough of something' because you CAN have too much fluff and flowering language, trust me on that)
Anyway, for example I'll grab the last few lines from above: "Tatsuki looked down in embarrassment obviously sorry but she looked up when she heard a gasp. Jealousy spiked into her when she saw Orihime hugging Naruto her more than ample breasts pressing up against his arm."
First, without the proper punctuation the line reads wrong. I had to read that three times before I understood what you were trying to describe.
So, with proper punctuation: "Tatsuki looked down in embarrassment, obviously sorry, but she looked up when she heard a gasp. Jealousy spiked into her when she saw Orihime hugging Naruto, her more than ample breasts pressing up against his arm."
Sentences can be broken down into sections or 'clauses' that have a single meaning/action/whatever. It usually involves a 'subject, verb, object' and that's a single clause. The next subject introduced starts a new clause. In this case the first clause, 'Tatsuki looked down' also comes with two modifying adverbs/phrases 'in embarrassment' and 'obviously sorry'. You need to LIST these modifying clauses by separating them with a comma, just like you'd list any other string of adverbs (ex: "She ate quickly, messily, and ravenously"). Also, before a conjunction like 'but' and 'and' and 'however' etc etc you need a comma, because you're (yup, you guessed it) starting a new clause.
The second sentence is more complex because you have two subjects now, both female and both referred to as 'her'. Which means when you switch between the two you need to make sure they're properly separated. The first one talks about Tatsuki's jealousy but then you switch to Orihime's arms. So, comma!
Finally, style and flow. Run on sentences are generally a bad thing. Especially when you want to convey a powerful emotion or action, the shorter and more abrupt it is the more powerfully it impacts the reader. Likewise, using stronger diction or diction that subtly points towards an emotion will create a stronger image. So, for example: "Tatsuki cast her eyes down in embarrassment, obviously sorry. At the sound of a gasp, her head jerked up again, jealousy spiking when she saw Orihime hugging Naruto, her more than ample breasts pressed up against his arm."
Notice I got rid of the 'into her' after 'jealousy spiked' 1) because it's not exactly the best way to use that combination of words and 2) because I could get rid of one of those ambiguous 'her's that can greatly confuse readers as to which 'her' you are referring.
Anyway, I think I've written a veritable grammatical essay here, so...yeah. Hope some of this helped? Keep writing and keep learning! And I'd highly recommend going back through your first couple of chapters and correcting grammatical errors at the very least because more people will be inclined to read further, I can guarantee it!
Ok, feel free to reply for clarification on any point, or even just to let me know if you've already covered this so I don't elaborate further.
| missourijack chapter 6 . 10/3/2012
will u be bringing this story back with more updates
| Akuma-Heika chapter 3 . 9/21/2012
"Born in the fires of creation, flying in the winds of time. Soar to the heavens to descend and scorch the earth clean of life. King of Dragons. FIGHT BAHUMAT!"
With the chant release phrase I believe the FIGHT is out of place...Awaken would work better there. Hmm...Annihilate, can't think of the word I want to use...it's on the tip of my tongue but can't voice it...annoying.
Lemons are a little short. If you take these stories to a more relaxed site like YFF may I suggest expanded lemons?
| Akuma-Heika chapter 6 . 9/21/2012
young martial artist trekking through some forgotten forest with a massive backpack, in a dimension far far away, sneeze loudly.
Are you dead? Callous maybe but no activity for two years...no activity for 6 minutes suggests severe brain damage and you are declared dead at that point...please don't be dead Lord of Spines must be continued! Hell several of your stories would be appreciated to see conclusion!
I want to see the pranks!