|Reviews for An Author's Nightmare 2: Going Underground 5AE|
| Light Gaia Spawn chapter 1 . 2/22
Hey, would it be alright if I made a sequel to this for Sonic X or SatAM?
| Nintega13 chapter 17 . 7/14/2011
Wow,Ryguy,despite some of the reviews I see here, I've actually really enjoy your rewritten of An Author's Nightmare 2: Going Underground. I thought it was an intersting and well written story, and like some of the improvements that you made from your original AAN 2(which despite being label as the weakest in the series, I still quite enjoy it). In my opinion good job, and I look forward for future works from you._
| Phantom imPALEr chapter 17 . 7/12/2011
ahhh man great story i almost want to ask if it is true or not. but it was an amazing story so realistic. im going to read some of your other stories now.
| ClaudeLv250 chapter 17 . 1/4/2011
I was having a bit of AAN withdrawal and decided to read through parts of this again. I'm not going to chew you out with what I said before, or what anyone else had to say with their previous reviews, but I still do think the point stands that this needs a real rewrite. You can leave the army exhibition out; quite frankly, it has no place here. Reading the epilogue is a perfect case in point: it feels like you were trying unsuccessfully to merge two independent stories - a Sonic Underground fic and a really boring account of army training. The triplets are rebels; they would not take to Ryan's insistence on military training. The possible friction would have created a more interesting story, but Ryan is still the star, rather than the universe this story is based upon. The triplets are backgrounds characters. Really, you should analyze Joanie's story and see why it works so well. The same goes for AAN 3 and 4. There's a great balance in those stories that's not found here.
I did do some comparisons between this and the old version, and noticed that, besides toning down a lot of the Gary Stu activities, it seems like you were almost hinting at a sequel (AAN 2-2?), as everything is left more open. You didn't murder the villains, the prophecy was not fulfilled, and the DMD disk is on Earth.
And since we're on the subject of sequels, what happened to the series? Is it dead? I know April was dealing with life and writing other stuff, but there hasn't been a peep out of Sipp and AAN4. There used to be an AAN5 around here but it's now gone (again). I think there was supposed to be a 6 and 7, but it doesn't make much sense to put those up with 5 missing and 34 on some kind of hiatus.
| ClaudeLv250 chapter 1 . 4/5/2008
I'm going to be honest. It's a good sign that you actually listened to what people said about your original story and attempted to fix it with a rewrite. The problem is that the end result is slightly less of a debacle than the other as an Author's Nightmare entry.
The problem is that you cut too much away from the source material. That's what you did. You didn't rewrite, you cut. Some details did get changed for the better, but entire chunks of the original story are missing and in their place are long, dry, and irrelevant flashbacks. As such, you have the original flawed story with some jarring flashbacks that weren't originally there. It's like you took a second idea for a story and merged it with the first.
What you really should do is rethink the premise. The characters, the story, the setting. Everything. The first thing you want to do is make it more in character, make it feel more like Sonic Underground. No more liberal swearing for the triplets, nonsensical details like bots exploding, etc. Then turn this into an Author's Nightmare, make your character a real person and not a gary stu. There can be action, but none of this ridiculous over the top everything-explodes-while-somersaulting-through-gunfire-and-I-kill-Robotnik-and-all-his-lackeys stuff.
Then, you do the most vital task. You rewrite. FROM SCRATCH. You recreate this story and you do it right.
| CCharmanderK chapter 1 . 3/24/2008
Yeah, I'm afraid that I'll have to agree with the other reviewers. This story felt too informatory and the characters were horridly off-character. (You took the dumb straight out of Dingo) Though this is a significvant step forward, I fear to say that this still needs quite a bit of work. And by "quite a bit", I mean a whole fuckload of it. You're a great storywriter, but you have to make sure that what you're typing will suit the audience you are aiming to please. That means all characters are in-character at most to all times, you inform as much to get the point across but not too much as to bore the audience, and you try to put things in that'll keep your audience hooked.
2/10 (personally, I'd give it a 1, but I'm feeling generous today)
| Jazzerman chapter 17 . 12/23/2007
Sorry, but this was still as flat and tasteless as paper. Seriously, I don't see why you bothered to rewrite it. I mean you did try and I guess that counts as something but this is still among the worst of AN series. You may have toned down the god modding but your character is still unrealistic.
Sorry, but you get a 1/10. The 1 is for what little improvement you made from your first try.
| The Wax Factory chapter 1 . 10/14/2007
Um...You're really focusing to much on telling about your own life than the actual story. No offense, I respect that you're in the army and everything, but if we wanted to know about your life, we would message you. Also, the characters are really out of character.
| constentien9000 chapter 17 . 9/5/2007
yo0u are the best I have just finished your story and I must say you blew me away will you write a sequel to this one.
It would be waypastcool if you wrote a sequel to this one because you waypastcool.
| Spankalicious chapter 3 . 8/21/2007
This story still needs a lot of work.
I like all the Author's nightmares but this still is the weakest of them all. The draw of the AN series is mostly about exploring the realistic sensation of what it would be like to experience these ideal "I meet Sonic" scenarios and expose the dream for what it really would be - a physically and emotionally jarring experience that reveals more about the world and person then they would like.
I don't really get the feeling this is an Author's Nightmare story. It STILL feels like more of a standard "I meet Sonic" story: Tons about you, not enough about the world you're in, too much exposition, and not enough happening with the characters we want to see. That said, this story does have potential... it just needs a lot of work to get to the point where this really feels like an AN story. A few of the really noticeable things that need work are:
perspective. 3rd person is used in some of the other author's nightmares for expositions, for character examinations, but using it all the time is a bit too dry for this series, as it's all about the reality of encountering something like this in real life, and it being in 3rd person ALL THE TIME takes away from that experience. It makes it feel more... fake.
Of course its fiction but AN stories are supposed to be about how real it feels. the worst feeling of this "He is a huge sonic fan and he would like to meet Sonic and the gang." that sentence just really feels... off. like you're doing an Roleplay as someone named ryan rather than you actually being ryan and telling us what happened.
2. Way Too much exposition of the real world and not enough of the SU universe. This is really, REALLY, jarring and makes the story hard to read. I respect and admire your convictions regarding the army and your experiences during training, as well as your knowledge of firearms... but there's gotta be a better way to show them or explain them then the really jarring expositions you currently have. When I read a sonic story, I wanna hear about sonic, and sonic characters, and see more of the sonic world, not hear the exact specification of a H&K USP and go through a page-by-page retelling of basic training told in laborious detail.
3. TELL these stories, don't SHOW them. Have this information come up in more casual, natural sounding conversation or passing remarks with other characters, but this dry exposition and random flashback/cutaways are just absolutely show-stopping, ESPECIALLY when you do it when something potentially exciting is going on! You do it repeatedly and it's UNBELIEVABLY frustrating to have a sense of adventure and suspense totally killed by a paragraph of training regimen being explained in a dry autobiographical manner!
Please tone down the Tom Clancy level of information. Know your audience, and what world you're writing for. While tons of technical, training and weapons information is useful knowledge, I don't feel it's useful here in the story, and is at it's absolute worst when you stop the current timeline in order to show your memories. Focus less about information and more about making the story progress. if you want to give information, do it in bits and pieces and gradually build a picture through character interaction, conversations and such.
4. Stop making this so auto-biographical! Please don't take this to be insulting but... do we really need to know this much about you? While You, as the person travelling obviously should have SOME background, You're a vehicle for the story, not the real focus. Putting it bluntly, if we cared this much about wanting to know you, we'd message you, but we're not, we're trying to read a Sonic Universe story. the story should mostly be centered around the universe you're visiting. You're giving us so much information, and in such a dry, show-stopping fashion that the story is just being smothered with too much about you, to be perfectly frank.
Take a look at the other AN stories - while the initial chapters have the author (or authoress) briefly stating what they're doing, with maybe a cutaway of the DMD being activated, and then the human getting captured, getting rescued, and then the REAL meat of the story is the interaction between characters. We only know enough just about the other authors to get the story started at the beginning, and other things are revealed as the story goes on.
That's really the major points, but some minor things as well...
5. Swearing. Do we really need that in this story? in this series (AN)? and Especially the sonic characters? It's one thing to be foul-mouthed as Ryan, but the triplets...? That's a little harder to swallow, at least the way you present it.
6. PLEASE write ryan as more... human. he still doesn't seem quite real. Even though you write him as being scared, he doesn't act or feel like it through his actions, and again, you jump cut right after you explain that he's feeling something detrimental or emotional, totally killing any feelings of suspense.
Please do not take these comments to be insulting or demeaning. There's a good story here, struggling to get out under piles of exposition and jarring jumpcuts, but the story is just too disjointed to read right now to be really enjoyable. I really hope your skills as a writer and the quality of the story improve, and that these notes help you fix the problems inherent in the story.
| Anthony Bault chapter 1 . 8/20/2007
O_O Whoa...you're rewriting this? COOL!
Though I didn't think Sleet and Dingo were this effective at doing ANYTHING right...