|Reviews for The Salacious Slugs|
| Igenlode Wordsmith chapter 1 . 5/28
I love the characterisation in this story: Slughorn reluctant to exert himself but amiably ready to make use of a situation for his own ends, McGonagall strict and disappointed but sympathetic to the genuine injustice of Sirius' family situation, Sirius and James as the ringleaders who never miss a chance to insult each other but operate as a team, Remus as the sole possessor of a functioning conscience, and above all the fact that Peter is a part of the group. He has a tendency to be clumsy and he tends to hang back, but he takes part in the attempts to free Sirius and he's seen as a friend by the others - the story isn't busy trying to depict Wormtail-as-future-traitor or sidelining his role in the Marauders, it's showing the days when they were all boys together and nobody knew what was going to happen once the whole wizarding world fell apart...
The dialogue doesn't just help establish the characters' roles in the story - they all have their own individual 'voices' that are instantly recognisable without going into the terrain of parody. I like all the little dog-hints in reference to Sirius ("feral growl", "tearing apart a piece of bread in a decidedly canine fashion", "excellent pedigree") and James's flippancy. And to be honest, I really don't see James, Remus and Peter being sufficiently self-sacrificing and noble to hang around to get caught, given that Sirius' capture is inevitable - even if Sirius can't quite take it in to start off with!
He is so amusingly confident that they *can't* possibly be serious...
I found it slightly frustrating that we never do find out quite what the Marauders were actually *trying* to do at the start of the story, or even how Sirius got into his compromising position: obviously the point of the story is more about them getting caught and Slugged than about the original prank, but it feels as if the idea was more to get them into as hilarious a position as possible without going into any actual rationale for its happening.
I do love so much of the dialogue in this:" Your charm work is, as always, impeccable...the armor is holding you as if it wants to snog the life out of you."
"Stage two has gone off without a hitch, it seems."/"Pity stage one was unsalvageable."
"In case you didn't realize or, perhaps I'm confunded and you lot *are* right prats but you do seem to be *leaving someone behind*."
I was a bit puzzled by the whole idea that a charm that was already set to terminate in the near future (a time-restricted charm) would be somehow more hard to lift than one that had been cast without any limitations... and I have to say that I didn't actually realise from the description here that Slughorn had *failed* to lift it (to the degree that I was confused by McGonagall's "oncoming burst of lurid purple flame") since it sounded more as if he'd succeeded in accelerating its output until it reached its natural end prematurely :-(
I'm quite surprised that one of the boys is capable of casting a spell that not even the professors can handle, not least that he manages to do it deliberately rather than as an undesired side-effect!
From what we see in the books I definitely do get the impression that the castle has its own sense of humour, though :-)
Yes, I imagine having the Marauders in Gryffindor probably didn't do too much for their House's chances at scoring enough points for the house cup :-(
And that this probably didn't worry the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black too much, come to think of it...
I'm not sure that the long detour of suspense in the story as to what Sirius was actually up to after receiving his Howler really pays off. If this is supposed to be hinting at the cause of his final rupture with his family in canon, we don't see any actual consequence of this sort here - it just triggers a round of precautionary invitations to stay with his friends which obviously echo many previous such occasions, and then gets forgotten for the remainder of the plot. It's not that the idea of retaliating against his parents doesn't belong in the plot: it's just that as a revelation it feels a bit flat, after the big delay and build-up that gets emphasised from the other characters' point of view.
I like the idea that Sirius and James would actually go to the lengths of arranging to get themselves into detention rather than getting 'collected' for the Slug Club! I like the little nods to Sirius' relationship with his younger brother, as well - he is of course the only one of the four with a sibling at Hogwarts, or indeed at all.
There aren't any glaring mistakes in the story so far as being American is concerned: I noticed some issues with capitalisation of dialogue, e.g. '"Reckon he's up to more fireworks?" Asked Peter' or 'Problem!" Interrupted Remus Lupin'
The other mistakes mostly look like editing errors where two different versions of a phrase haven't quite matched together, e.g. "and when awkwardly attempting to duck another barrage and tripped, launching himself into James" ("and tripped when awkwardly attempting to duck another barrage"?) or "said James at a length" ("said James at length") "James saw it fit to come to his rescue" ("saw fit to come to his rescue") or "Mussing his hair head replied" ("he replied"?)
Also a few slips where plurals are concerned, e.g. "There was, of course, gradations", "from near the armors", "the other were out of all but shouting range" or "'Well gentleman,' he declaimed".
One thing I did find odd was the idea that a specifically "heatless flame" could singe anything, and I'm not at all sure what Sirius can have meant by called the suits of armour "those metal bitten gits" - *bitten*? ;-)
The thing that looks like an error rather than just over-hasty proofreading is Slughorn's final proclamation that "everyone of that group shall be wildly famous." "Shall" in anything but the first person forms the imperative - "you shall go to the ball, my dear!" - not a simple future prediction: unless the Professor intends to take active steps to ensure that his announcement comes about, rather than simply betting on its probability, this reads as confused and confusing grammar :-(
But I do love the details in this: the malfunctioning prototype Map (and the way that you've managed to differentiate it from the eventual version without explicitly stating anything of the sort), the little digs at Slughorn's fondness for food and drink, Remus' preference for bedpans over lionisation, Sirius actually taking criticism from James' father seriously, and of course the wonderful fertility of the characters' repartee.
| Legendary Biologist chapter 1 . 5/28
Hi! Fandom blind, but I'll do my best to review. :)
Such an entertaining, fun beginning. It begins right into the action: a prank goes wrong, which causes Sirius to be trapped in an armor. Then the dialogue between the characters is incredibly fun to read. Such as when Peter and James mention about Sirius' resemblance to Filch, and Sirius attempts to retort...only to suddenly get interrupted by a whizzing firework. Haha. Then when Peter and James mess up, I get a serious chuckle out of it. The spell volley hits Sirius and causes ringlets to appear around him, but what is golden is Sirius saying that they are not his color hahaha! And Remus interruption is just as funny. "Really, try a-" "Problem!" It's very funny when Sirius takes that literally: no need to try a problem; there is a problem.
The descriptions of the armor encasing Sirius and some of his actions (like when he's squirming) just make me feel bad for him. It does feel uncomfortable in that armor.
Oops, they are caught. McGonagall's wrath is not something pleasant. Aside from losing points, they all have to undergo additional punishment and McGonagall will be telling their parents. Ow, wonder what will happen next!
The whole part about the letter is a fun read. ["Please suggest that Sirius plan something less ostentatious next time. And, in the future, the both of you should study more...conventionally."] Hahaha, James' father even remarks about Sirius. Though I feel a tad bad for Sirius, to the point he can rant about the fact that his mom always says the same thing.
Haha, Sirius. He is not bookish; instead he is evasive. And he sent his mom a howler of his own. And code it as 'letters'! And he also sent one to the Ministry. Such a prank. No wonder McGonagall gets rather snarky. I like how Sirius retorts and how James jump into the talk. That sure annoys McGonagall. Such students!
Slughorn is such a fun character. First, the descriptions of him sitting on a chair give me a gist of how he looks like and what sort of person he is. Then the way he talks. His dialogue is such a fun read, because they are hilarious. And he's such a fun character, offering the students mead in the 'punishment'.
Hahaha, Sirius has always been adorable and fun. ["Well, I'm tall, with a deeply casual elegance, I simply adore moonlight strolls, am adept at both crocheting and brewing up a peppery roast...I also absolutely dote on a good rawhide che-"] This speech of his has me laughing, because it's so long and exaggerating.
That ending! Apparently, Slughorn likes them. And he even asks them to see him again tomorrow, and makes up 'punishments'. Wow, the four of them are wildly famous in later years? Hahaha, I wonder what they have done to get that famous.
| Book 'em Again chapter 1 . 5/19
Great start – Remus’s unmitigated disaster line was set up the scenario for this story perfectly in just a few words. We learn that the Marauders’ are in a big of a pickle – of their own doing – and as disaster after disaster unfolds we discover just how deep they really dug themselves this time.
As we get into the meat of your story, it because clear that you truly have a gift for dialogue. There are laughs a plenty in this story, but the best come the friendly bickering (the back and forth about leaving Sirius behind was great) and the rather colorful descriptions they share (In particular, the suits of holding liken to snogging and “Muggle-Moose-Cat-Ears” for Musketeers) were truly hilarious.
Then we get to the consequences of the failed prank. The letters give us a pretty good glimpse of the family dynamics of each the Mauraders. The loud “Again!” shows the exasperation of parents not quite sure how to handle their son’s troublesome ways. Lupin’s parents gentle disappoint and his reaction to it shows the closeness there and that his parent’s know how to get through to their son. Potter truly was a spoiled kid as parents seem to adopt a boys will be boys attitude about it all. Then we get to Sirius’. We know it is going to bad, as Sirius knows it will be. But the fact that Sirius could almost word for word describe the contents show just far apart they’ve grown. They’ve completely stopped to each other and at the talking at each other stage which is not healthy, but then I doubt Sirius’ relationship with his parents was ever healthy. Yet, the biggest sign of the over lineness of Sirius’s letter was the professors’ reactions. They seemed almost sympathetic in their own way.
Nice bit of foreshadowing with Peter’s fireworks comment as Sirius leaves the Hall. Because that is exactly what Sirius does. Though again nice bit of wordplay again with the evasive comments. I get a feeling that you are setting this up as the final breaking point between parents and son.
Ah, Slughorn. I liked your characterization of him and his need to collect students. I like how you showed that he had to pay some attention to the other two out of his desire to collect Potter and Black. Though Lupin’s spell work seems to have caught his eye. Though I like how what on the surface appears to be the least punitive of their punishments, is to the Marauders the worst. Because they all they want to do things there way and I suspect they’ll have found a way to survive the Slug Club and be back to their usual ways before they know it.
In all, this was an enjoyable and funny story. Bravo!
| Salivour chapter 1 . 5/16
I'm familiar with Harry Potter canon. Over familiar, if anything, but let's not get into that. I do tend not to read much fanfiction from the Maurauders era, so this is somewhat of a break of tradition for me.
(There was, of course, gradations that ranked just how well a prank had been carried off ... although the converse...) This sentence actually took a couple of reads to fully understand. To me, it was made to be much more complicated than it needed to be. Particularly word choice 'gradations', this made to piece hard to read in a few places for me, but this was the first place I noticed it. You have done a good job of writing everything, but the word choice and the way sentences were constructed, often broke the flow of the story for me as I had to stop to understand the meaning and get the imagery you were conveying from the sentence. One place that I particularly struggled at was (...you have repeatedly shown my assessment to be severely pessimistic at your decorum to be very much practical and well founded.) It's difficult to understand, McGonagall's assement of the Marauder's behaviour? And why would she think she needs to be more optimistic regarding them? I actually couldn't quite figure out what the prank was supposed to achieve, although I could still understand the rest of the story as it was more important that the prank had gone wrong rather than what the prank was supposed to do.
It particularly came across in dialogue (...but even though we seem to be prodigiously skilled, I am not sure that my fellow compilations and I have the skill...) where it didn't seem natural to me. It was particularly apparent with Sirius, so it was perhaps a reflection of a strict pureblood upbringing or Sirius being unnecessarily formal for a laugh.
I liked how you started everything in the middle of the action, leaving the reader wondering how Sirius ended up wedged between the suits of armour. It was great to start off with the story already going, especially as it's implied that Sirius got himself stuck there from his own spellwork on the armour. Although it did leave me at a loss as to what exactly was going on.
(...with the newest experimental map.) I liked this little reference. Especially the idea that the earlier maps used to get stuck on repeat. I've now got the image in my head of the map showing everyone doing the Time Warp. Though it did give me a laugh at the idea of Sirius actually being Filch :D
You did a good job of characterisation, I thought that Peter's tendency to just go along with James was particularly apparent here. (Well...Wormtail, Moony...shall we be off?) This whole paragraph had great examples of James, Sirius and Remus. James jokingly going to leave Sirius where he is and treating the whole thing as fun. Remus being more serious at the prospect of being caught and being the most concerned at Slughorn. Sirius showing a generic 'all Slytherin's are evil' idea and his annoyance. You did a fantastic job of showing character through actions and dialogue rather than telling the reader what the characters were like, particularly how you managed to contrast characters off of one another to show the differences between them.
(...meanwhile looking tired and mutinous,...) I thought that this was something of an odd characterisation for Slughorn. To me, he's displayed as an easy going sort of fellow and while Filch tends to annoy all of the professors, Slughorn couldn't have been with him for more than a couple of minute. Plus I found it odd that he goes straight for attacking James and Peter rather than even asking them to stop.
One thing I did wonder at was Slughorn teaching in the Mauraduers era. I've always thought that it would be another teacher between Slughorn of the 40s and Snape of the 90s, but there is nothing canon. Not really a critique, but I've just never pictured Slughorn as teaching the Marauders.
(Reckon we might be able to try a bit of a memory charm on them?) I found this interesting. While much isn't explained about memory charms in the books, I've always understood them to be advanced magic, particularly against someone of any considerable magical power. It seemed to me that James is getting out of his depth here, even though he doesn't have much hope of such a stunt working. It certainly worked for Peter's characterisation in that he'd automatically agree with James without thinking through the consequences.
(I seem to recall an incident with one of my Slythering students...) I thought that this was, again, an interesting bit of insight into Slughorn and Snape. Just a nice way to subtly remind the reader that it would often have been Slughorn speaking to Snape when the Marauders bullied him. Also to show that the Marauders don't have a glowing record.
I also liked the comparison between Slughorn almost praising the Marauders, although he was trying to act as a professor and McGonagall outright telling them off. McGonagall's frustration at seeing the Marauders again came across very well, though it was a nice touch to have her also realise their potential and be frustrated at their wasting it. I also liked that Remus is far more aware of the consequences of their actions than either James or Sirius, especially with Dumbledore having to give him special permission to learn at Hogwarts.
(...a peck of owls...) Technically a group of owls is a parliament, and peck is just a word play.
I liked the various reactions from the parents. Anger from Mrs. Pettigrew, disappointment from Mrs. Lupin, not really caring from Mrs. Potter (which I thought was a great choice as James seems to have that same attitude, as well as all of the others.)
(...who looked up in vague mortification...) I liked this little spinet of Regulus's reaction to Sirius's antics, particularly with Regulus trying to behave and Sirius undermining his family. On Sirius, the fact that he's playing another prank so soon after being caught said a lot about him having no sense of consequences. I actually made me not like him, as it seemed as though he had so little sense, I was hoping that he would have a good come down by the end of the piece.
(...keep up work like that, my boy, and you'll go quite far in this world. Yes, quite far...) That just reminded me of Slughorn saying something very similar to Riddle.
I couldn't see anything glaring in the way of you not being British (other than American spelling and they were all kept consistent throughout the piece.)
The work seemed to not really end but just go off at an convinient point. The beginning read as though this would be a completed piece revolving around the prank, but then it branched out into other things that seemed to warrant a longer story. So it felt unfinished at the end to me.
I loved your characterisation, and you did a great job of showing all of the characters as different .
Good job :)
| Luna Rapunzel chapter 1 . 5/14
Ahh, this was SO GOOD! It can be really difficult to find fics that do a good job of actually showing what realistic pranks and disobedience by the Marauders might actually have looked like during their school years, and you have so many little details here that make them believably live up to what we see said of them in the canon series. I especially really liked how the Marauder's Map was clearly still in progress, how you changed the "mischief managed" to "disobedience done" to show that it was still an unfinished draft/not the final product yet and showed its various malfunctions with mislabeling people's dots and that sort of thing. The prank at the beginning was RIDICULOUS and showed a level of detail and creativity that I have a hard time finding in any of the pranks that most Marauder fanfic writers include in their fics. You transitioned super hilariously into the prank, too - the [And Sirius – wedged firmly between two unyielding enchanted suits of armor so that he couldn't so much as perform a spell if he tried – could only grin rather impudently and say to his companions, "I could use a little help here, mates," as a number of fireworks whizzed within inches of his head.] line was super entertaining and a nice segue from the sort of introspective musing about pranking into the almost slapstick humor of the scene at hand. I also really like what you did with Peter in this story; you made him a wholly included part of the group while still retaining the various characteristics that led people like McGonagall to view him as less talented and outshone by his friends, but even though he may have been a little bumbling and didn't have the witty comebacks that the other boys did, the others clearly didn't pay him less attention because of it - and yet there was still the scene where they mess with Slughorn by telling him that Peter masterminded the whole thing, which Peter could be taken as either a "laughing with Peter" or "laughing at Peter" kind of thing depending on how insecure of a person he was and thereby makes it not implausible that maybe Peter did feel sort of neglected in a snowball effect that led to his ultimate betrayal. Nice, subtle work there.
The punctuation was a little funny in parts, especially in some of your dialogue, and I was sort of thrown off by your wording at the beginning as you tried to reveal exactly what the prank had been intended to be before it backfired onto Sirius - in theory I really like that you wanted to show that in dialogue instead of in a narrative block, but it wasn't super clear and I'm still a little confused on how exactly wedging (presumably) Snape between some suits of armor was meant to get Sirius a girl's attention. Aside from that, though, I really, really enjoyed this.
| The Real F'n Scorp chapter 1 . 5/14
Hi there! I am a moderator at the Reviews Lounge, Too where your story has been archived in our Archives. I’m reviewing your story today because it is definitely under reviewed and in need of some love. I'm thankfully not fandom blind for a change so on with the review!
Oh man, I can imagine here: ((The spell volley went wide and ended up hitting Sirius straight in the middle of the forehead, causing him to sprout neat ringlets in orange and turquoise.)) how Gary Oldman would look with neat little ringlets dyed mandarin and teal. Not a very manly look but it serves him right considering how he got himself in his particular predicament.
(("Your duty to the school has been fulfilled…let this…" she seemed to be struggling for a number of possible terms to pin on Sirius, "troublemaker down."))—Yes, I can imagine well that McGonagall has about a billion things that she could use to describe Sirius ;) I imagine that ‘troublemaker’ is just one of the cleanest terms she could use to describe him.
((The last thing to be heard before the Hall's massive wooden doors shut was the shrill word "AGAIN!?" that echoed throughout the hall and caused an immediate flurry of gossip around the house tables.))—Oh man, I remember the Howler that Ron got in Chamber of Secrets. Not something that I’d want to have delivered to me. Right nasty things, I must admit. I can just imagine the horror that must be upon the face of Peter Pettigrew as his letter screams at him out in the hallway. It’s little wonder that the poor guy became a nervous wretch by the time he betrays Sirius and James and Remus. He’s been yelled at his whole life because of pranks that he got himself into trying to fit in with the ‘cool’ crowd.
Well, this here: ((… hexing people who awoke him without warning (a bad habit that had caused James to violently belch up lurid pink hair balls for an entire day the last time he had been so unwise as to try such a thing...)) is certainly not a nice thing to do to your best friend! However, it is something I can totally see Sirius doing to anybody who just happens to cross his path or dares to wake him from a sound sleep :p He’s as McGonagall put it, a ((“…troublemaker”)). Again, the friendship between James and Sirius reminds me of that between Fred and George (who are more than brothers really). They might end up doing things to the other that makes them belch up nasty things, but they never hold it against the other. They just laugh it off and shrug it off as just one of those things that happens.
The back and forth banter here: (("Well, I'm tall, with a deeply casual elegance, I simply adore moonlight strolls, am adept at both crocheting and brewing up a peppery roast…I also absolutely dote on a good rawhide che-"/"And," James cut him off neatly, "You also resemble quite the middle-aged witch on WWN's Cauldron of Love.")) between James and Sirius again reminds us about how close these two really are. Peter might have been a member of the Marauders, but he wasn’t as closely linked as James and Sirirus, or as Sirius and James and Remus were. There’s a brotherly affection here in the teasing banter that makes me think about Harry and Ron, or even George and Fred. They know that they can tease each other about this sort of stuff and it not have any adverse effect or cause any lingering injured feelings. It’s just all good clean fun at the end of the day with them.
In all this was a really great read and I enjoyed it immensely. We don’t see a lot of the friendship between the Marauders (since books are not about them but about Harry and his friends) so this is a lovely breath of fresh air. Great job!
| TolkienScholar chapter 1 . 5/14
Wow, this is so funny! I was enjoying it from the beginning, but I found the ringlets and "Not really my color, Prongs...", and then James thinking about the straw hat, especially amusing. :) And I laughed out loud at "I don't want to have to ... explain to Madam Pomphrey how I managed to ... splinch myself in a place where you can's even Apparate." Love it! :) You do a great job with their interactions and of showing how they're in kind of a desperate situation and yet still joking about it. It seems very true to their personalities.
There were a few of things early on that I think could be worded a bit better:
1) Rather than "not having much of an opportunity to laugh at Sirius' expense," you might try "not having many opportunities..." If I'm reading it correctly, I think that was what you had in mind.
2) You say "zoomed past his prone form," but I got the impression that Sirius was upright between the two suits of armor, while "prone" means flat on the ground.
3) "Sirius twisted so violently in his armored clutches that his captors began to clank loudly enough that they drowned out the end of the jibe. " The double "that" structure is pretty awkward. You could change it to "...loudly enough to drown out the end..."
4) "'Well,' floated back Remus' voice from an ever lengthening," What? An ever lengthening what? ;) I think there might be a word missing there.
A couple grammar things I saw consistently: You don't need to capitalize dialogue tags ("'Overruled!' Came" and "'Now,' He said"), and you only use a comma before a line of dialogue if it's after a dialogue tag. Something like "Sirius utterly ignored that last line" should end in a period.
Also where Slughorn tries to stop Remus's spell, you have a then/than issue. "Then" refers to time and order of events, while "than" makes a comparison.
I really enjoyed the issues they were having with the map, how Sirius and Filch got switched (of all people! :D) and a previous way of clearing it, "Disobedience done." And then of course all the Snape insults. :) The "prior to whatever mischief you had planned being managed" line was extremely clever. :)
I really enjoyed the breakfast scene. Poor Lupin. He's so caught in between his conscience and his friends. But Sirius is absolutely impossible! :D I love how Dumbledore just nods politely at him.
You write Slughorn well, and it does seem like he would have been fun. The Marauders run mental circles around him! :)
This was a fantastic fic. :) I personally would have found it a lot easier to read if it had been broken up into a multichapter, but maybe you had your own reasons for keeping it a really long oneshot. Anyway, well done! :)
| Wendy Brune chapter 1 . 5/14
I’ve been meaning to read this ever since I saw it in the RLt archive, just because the title alone is amazing. Very titillating. Same with the summary. I normally much attention to those or comment on them in reviews, but you gave the reader really interesting tidbits in an engaging manner. Even though I wasn’t planning on picking up an 8k word one-shot, I HAD to click. And I’m glad I did.
What strikes me most about this piece is how many complex literary devices you use. Definitely signs of an advanced writer. Right off the bat, I was impressed with how you started in the middle of the action, not at the traditional beginning. Opening in the middle of a prank-gone-wrong not only hooked me with the vital information, but it actually created a pretty good mimic of the confusion going on in the story. I had to piece together what happened, not unlike Slughorn and Flitch stumbling upon a commotion of noise. Another great technique you pulled off was contrast. There were nice little moments where you played the boys’ reactions off each other, almost, to show us the difference between them. For example, when McGonagall scolded Remus, who looked ashamed, and then Sirius, who retorted. Shows me a lot about the characters.
That being said, your character development throughout was spot-on but impressively not spelled out, just implied. You show us what the boys are like not by telling us “Remus is a goody-two shoes” or “Sirius is glib,” but through their actions. My favorite section in particular was when the boys all received their letters from their parents. Again, just contrasting the difference in tones of the letters said SO MUCH about the Marauders. Honestly, it makes me afraid to read JK’s prologue, if she ever made one, anyone. I really like your character choices, and I’d be afraid she couldn’t live up to them.
My biggest criticism of this piece, though, is how long all your sentences are. There’s nothing wrong with using winding sentences in moderation, but there were so many times where I had to reread a sentence just because the extra hyphens, fragments and more separated your main ideas. They were pretty sentences, but too wieldy. A great example would be the paragraph that starts, “When the tirade of insults, the usual….” That entire paragraph was just one sentence long. For a whole paragraph! Try and find the right balance between beautifully written long sentences and shorter sentences that get the point across.
Thanks for writing such a fun little one-shot. You had me laughing out loud more than once. My favorite bit probably had to be the joke here: “’Well, I’m tall, with a deeply casual…. Easy mistake to make, I suppose.’” I look forward to reading more of your work!
| starlight.moon.princess chapter 1 . 1/29/2014
(this is running commentary, mainly)
honestly, I'm certain that you've got the characterisations right after ready just the first two sentences. While I've seen a couple of variants of the idea of a gradation scale, yours is done in what I would imagine to be perfect Marauder fashion - I can definitely imagine that being one of the measurement criteria.
I love the quips that Sirius makes - extremely in character for him, I think. And I really appreciate the way you've managed to incorporate Peter into the fic, making sure not the character bash, but also highlighting his need to take direction from the other Marauders.
Even though it's a tad cliched, it's always lovely to see studious!Remus make an appearance with his impeccable spell work :)
Your experimental map is rather interesting - I can definitely see James and Sirius coming up with a failproof that requires the map to spell out 'Snivellus is a Greasy Git,' kind of like the map's reactions to Snape's claim of being headmaster in book 3 XD
[Pomphrey] should be [Pomfrey]
Ahaha, I really love the way the Marauders are more than happy to desert Sirius when it suits them! The humour you're employing isn't excessively overstated, but it's effective - and you've written it in a way that everyone's in character, which is lovely.
Again, your descriptions of the prototype map are lovely, and I really like the little things you've put into it, like the use of 'Disobedience done' instead of 'Mischief managed.' It makes it all the more real in my - in a /reader's/ mind.
Though I'm really curious as to what Sirius and James were doing that's resulted in the map coming up with Snivellus jokes...
I love McGonagall's characterisation here. You've got her disappointment and her guilt-inducing lectures down perfectly, and I particularly liked the inclusion of the [pure, unadulterated cheek] comment - again, very characteristic of here, and definitely something that I can imagine her saying.
I love your descriptions of the variety of reactions the Marauders get from their parents - for James' parents, who I'm guessing have to deal with Sirius by default even before he runs away from home, it's extremely likely that they react with only half-hearted sternness. I'm guessing they know better than to expect anything else!
[tea cups along] I'm guessing you meant [tea cups alone]?
Regardless, it's a perfectly "Sirius' revenge that he's getting on his parents - sort of reminds me of his sheer delight at hosting the Order, if only to annoy his mother. And, of course, the posters in his room. Very much a Sirius response to the situation.
Ah, Slughorn. He never gives up, does he?
I like the attention you're paying him in this piece - definitely not something that's often seen in Marauders prank!fics. And i love the way James and Sirius try and avoid the meetings - brings to mind Harry's desperate refusal to attend.
I also like the way you bring in hints of Peter's growing jealously in the way he's so shocked that Slughorn wants to "collect" James and Sirius. They're nice references to the future betrayal without making Peter the villain here.
Perfect Slughorn characterisation, what with his interest laying in collecting the Marauders instead of punishing them - I don't think Remus is too impressed with him at the moment.
And again, wonderful James and Sirius characterisation in the way that they cheerfully throw Peter under the bus if it means escaping Slughorn's interest in them!
This is a lovely fic, altogether. I think you've got characterisations down perfectly here, and it's a very plausible event that you're describing - easily something that I can see having happened in canon.
I really liked the language you used - it was constantly formal without being too over the top, and i think it's fitting for the characters in question. your humour was spot on too, and except for a couple of miniscule SPaG errors, this was a perfect fic.
well done, and this is going immediately into my favourites! :)
| Maneden chapter 1 . 10/6/2013
I really enjoyed this fic especially since you didn't fall into the trap most marauder era authors fall into where they barely mention Peter or make him too stupid to even string two words together. I can see every marauder acting as you depicted them but one section I kinda disliked was how slow Slughorn seemed. I personally believe he is a tad smarter than you made him out to be but overall a brilliant fanfiction.
| zanganito chapter 1 . 7/13/2013
I liked the humor in this, with James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter dealing with a prank gone wrong. And then they ended up breaking a Marauder rule - ‘Don’t get caught’. I enjoyed all the dialogue, particularly the exchange:
/ "It should be a rule! Don't leave fellow Marauders behind!" Sirius bellowed down the hall, throwing caution to the winds.
"The rule is don't get caught – you made that one!" James shot back, prompting more clanking./
I thought it was funny that Professor Slughorn couldn’t get the fireworks to stop, and was impressed by the level of skill that their pranks required.
I think this was the first fanfic I’ve seen that included Slughorn, and you characterized him well. I like how he talked with them and gave them mead during their “punishment”.
I only noticed one potential typo:
/"As you can see, I'm in was a bit of a rough crowd."/
I think maybe this sentence is missing a word?
Overall, this was a funny, entertaining read. Good job!
| Edhla chapter 1 . 7/6/2013
I completely commend you for one of the most polished, interesting summaries I think I've ever seen- you've written exactly what you needed to to draw the reader in without going overboard :) And a great title. A/Ns are on-topic, interesting and necessary for context, so well done there as well :)
The first thing that grabbed me was the fact that the story just picks up in mid-drift; it almost feels like it's halfway through a paragraph, which is awesome... there's no boring runup to your action. :) Again, you really whet the reader's appetite for exactly how all this is going to go down.
"Singeing a tuft..." This is the stupidest nitpick in the world, but how could you singe without heat? (Honestly pondering this one!)
Love the way your dialogue bounces!
"And, armed..." should there be a full stop here? It feels like it needs a comma.
"Nipping... have by now." Loved this characterisation.
"She's still being..." "asked" here doesn't need a capital :)
"Even takes those awful biscuits..." this made me grin :)
"Not as many as you have yet." LOL!
Really, really well written and immensely enjoyed. Briefly, about your A/N- I'd probably take it out if it isn't crucial to your story, but I've abruptly developed a prejudice of A/Ns, so take that with several handfuls of salt x
| Inkfire chapter 1 . 1/23/2012
This was a really nice fic! I really enjoyed reading it ) it was quite well-written, and thoroughly hilarious! I love the way Sirius got himself trapped with the armors at the beginning, and his friends' casual reactions were really funny, one could see they were used to such adventures! They all sounded so flippant, lol. I loved the parts about the map – the switch between Filch and Sirius, and the Greasy Git thing _ I LOVED the part in which the boys all walked away, leaving Sirius to deal with Slughorn and the armours – Remus sounded so calm and rational, and James' mocking attitude was priceless. Filch was very in-character, really repulsive, and the way Slughorn caught the rest of the group was really fun…
I love the way you handled the parents' reactions the following day, it was really insightful – they fitted perfectly the personality of each Marauder, Peter's fearful reaction, Remus being more hurt than the shame of disappointing than by any punishment he could have been dealt, and James being spoiled by a stunningly lenient family… The way you dealt with the Black family parts were very well done. The owl wanting to bite Sirius' finger off and the way the boy already knew the whole speech almost by heart were pretty funny, and I like his defiant reaction, refusing to even leave the room so that the whole hall won't witness the event. The way Sirius departed afterwards was grand, and his revenge with the letters was pretty stunning, and yet really fitting. McGonagall telling him she's ready to talk with his parents if he wants her to was a really great part! I love Slughorn wanting so badly to get the Marauders in his little group, and their detention was just hilarious. The professor was very in-character… All in all, this was a great read, very funny and nicely written )
| DELETED ACCOUNT 10123 chapter 1 . 8/6/2010
I love it! So amazing!
The Sirius you portrayed is perfect, Thanks!
| Il'Diko chapter 1 . 2/10/2008
I like your marauders, a funny lot :D Their characters are very good written, just how I imagined! I share your opinion, JK sholud have told us more about the memorable four.. but now, we will never know! It's up to fanfic writters like yourself to create the world of the Messrs! :)
As for your intention to increase our vocabulary, I dont mind, besides my fanaticism for the Harry Potter world, I'm reading fics to "eemprove my EEngliish" ;) .