Reviews for The Mourner
Lucrecia LeVrai chapter 8 . 11/17/2007
Overall, I must admit I like this story; I was glad when I saw the eight chapter today, and I'm already looking forward to another update. The first two chapters were nothing short of brilliant; I could really picture post-war Snape refusing both Minerva's apology and the governors' offer to resume his post, choosing instead to withdraw from society. I also liked how you handled Snape's relationship with Harry – nothing's changed in past twenty-odd years, the professor still refuses to touch most of his former pupil's letters... that's rather believable. Besides, the scene with the Order of Merlin was great, too.

As for the adopted daughter... Well, the idea seems very nice to me, and Persephina is a likeable character, but still, I find her dangerously close to a Mary Sue. *gasp* No, really. She's a bit too perfect for my taste. Pretty, loving, always telling the truth, immensely compassionate. No matter how hard I look, I can't see any flaws, and that's not normal. (By the way: don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to bash your OC. It's clear to me that your writing is far better than anything a typical MS-authoress could produce, thus I don't hold you for one. Still, certain critical things need to be said, if only for the sake of making this review somewhat meaningful.)

So, back to Persephina. Don't you think that being raised by Snape would make her at least a little more sarcastic, witty and cynical, if only in the way she speaks? Why didn't she inherit any of his mannerisms? Moreover, she's a teenager now, and yet she never shows any sign of rebellion against her adoptive father, as /any/ other teenager would – she even offers to ditch her (sort of) new (boy)friend for her father's sake, which is weird as hell, if you'd ask me. And she's never lied to him? Not even once? ...She's not human, then. :)

I was puzzled by how quickly she grew attached to Snape at the age of three – she was a big girl by then, she ought to have remembered and missed her mother, at least at the beginning. Three-year-olds can be very vocal, too, so why wasn't she shouting for her mama and dada? (I can picture the Malfoys as unaffectionate parents, but still, a little girl is bound to love her parents unconditionally, as you later showed so well in Snape's case. She should miss them for a while, before she forgets them.)

Isn't she even the slightest bit upset/disappointed with her inability to perform magic. She was raised in a wizarding environment, after all, she's supposed to feel a little ill at ease among wizards, no matter what, and yet you never mention it.

Last but not least, her reaction to the Malfoys' visit seemed slightly off to me. I know Draco and Demetria behaved like complete jerks in the eight chapter (coaxing her with money, of all things!), and that her choice between them and Snape was blatantly obvious, but still... they're her biological parents. I think she's supposed to have at least /some/ mixed feelings about them – isn't she even a tiny bit interested in getting to know them, or, more importantly, finding out more about her twin brother? (How would /you/ react if two unknown people appeared on /your/ doorstep, claiming they were your real parents, and that you had a late /twin/ brother? I'd say I'd at least hear them out properly, even if they acted horribly towards my surrogate parents. I'd try to force as much information out of them as possible, before throwing them out, and so on.)

...Um, that review grew much longer than necessary, didn't it? *gulps* Well, let me reassure you: I really like your story, the whole concept and the way it's written. Persephina /is/ a perfectly likeable original chara, and no, she doesn't steal the spotlight from anyone, certainly not from Snape, like a /true/ Mary Sue /would/. I just left like pointing out a few shortcomings in her character, which could be summed up with three words: "lack of flaws". I'd be really great if you striped her of some of her angelic charm. :)

Other than that, I have absolutely no complains. Can't wait for a new chapter, so please, update soon!
duj chapter 8 . 11/17/2007
Draco is armoured in impudence. Life hasn't improved him, I see.
NajaMoonshadow chapter 8 . 11/17/2007
Interesting! It's a fascinating read...reminds me of something-a movie i watched maybe? That's it! A Simple Twist of Fate-steve martin and alana austin-wonderful movie. Anyways, this is fabulously written! Made me cry more than once! Please continue and update soon! Naja
tambrathegreat chapter 8 . 11/17/2007
Great chapter. The sweet irony of Proserpina protecting is beautiful. Draco's character is well written and I love that there is never a question in Proserpina's mind that she go with the Malfoys. Snape's acceptance that he'll be abandoned again is heartbreaking. I loved it.
brenda-wood-sheil chapter 8 . 11/17/2007
oh that was awful

not your writing I mean what happened

I am so proud of proserpina

I hope father and daughter can cuddle and talk next chapter

even if she is 17 years old
Luthien and Tari Oronar chapter 8 . 11/17/2007
Wow-the thought that it was Scorpius who had died never even occured to me! Draco is just as awful as ever, but I do actually feel pity for Demetria. She seems to be very controlled by her husband, and it seems to me that if it had been up to her, Proserpina would never have been left with Snape in the first place! But good for Proserpina for sticking up for Sev! Excellent chapter!
wynnleaf chapter 7 . 11/15/2007
While many of the worse parts of Spinners End remain, the one good thing is gone. Sad, but Snape has Proserpina and the possibility for more if only Draco doesn't destroy it. I'm looking forward to Proserpina's reaction to the father who was willing to give her up, although I guess she might not learn about that part.
The Fluffy Ball chapter 7 . 11/12/2007
THAT was unexpected. Way to throw in a curve ball.
spikesbitch chapter 7 . 11/12/2007
aggh.. he can't lose her now. i'm envisioning weddings with snape shoulder to shoulder with potter having made up for the love of the children. i don't think my heart could cope with a heartbroken snape. please...
excessivelyperky chapter 7 . 11/11/2007
Draco will be lucky if he leaves the place alive-if Snape doesn't zap him, Proserpina will dump a chamber pot over him. I hope she is wise enough to explain to Draco that she is _still_ a squib, and that he can take his Galleons and put them in exquisitely painful locations.

Very good chapter-here's hoping it resolves well, and that Snape is allowed to have a life after she marries; in the Wizarding World, sixty just means the halfway point for a lot of people.
brenda-wood-sheil chapter 7 . 11/11/2007
Uh oh

should have known sev was about to hit another battle

lets hope his little one is not injured in the process

and that sev makes it through as well

Bren
millcityshaman chapter 7 . 11/11/2007
Three words for Draco: Go Pound Sand!

G.E.'s Silas Marner is a perfect fit for Snape. Love the way you are handling it.
CoyoteWolf chapter 7 . 11/10/2007
Draco say what now?
duj chapter 7 . 11/10/2007
Draco was always weak and selfish. I can see him as Godfrey quite easily (or as Dunsey, for that matter.)
whitehound chapter 7 . 11/10/2007
Very affecting business with the playground being gone.
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