|Reviews for At the mall|
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/19
Okay, I laughed. The candy bit sold it for me. When I sign back into my main, I'll sub.
| Ikarus Onesun chapter 1 . 9/13/2007
I read this when it was still a multi-chapter fic, and I have to say it reads better as a oneshot, so props to you for compiling it into a single chapter.
It's funny, and sweet, if a bit... far-fetched at times. I like Kaji in this a lot - you capture his mischievous side really well. As far as the other characters go, Maya's definitely the most "out there," but it is a comedy, so it's forgivable. How'd she do all that stuff before 12:48, though? Must have been a really early wedding. :) I would have loved to have seen Rei's face when a drunken Maya called her to go shopping...
Writing wise, it's pretty clean, a few spelling issues here and there, but construction and descriptions are very good. Just FYI, there are a couple of continuity errors in this - I'm reasonably sure that Shinji had never met Toji's sister in either the anime or manga version of events, and Gendo certainly was never an "intern" at NERV - he was actually one of the co-founders of GEHIRN, which existed before NERV.
For your first fic, this is well done. You'll only get better with practice, so write more!
EvSoc Reviewer - IO
| WebKnight chapter 1 . 9/5/2007
This was a good story, an original idea and a series of coincidences' that compiled into one another with a funny conclusion.
Simply put I liked it. Obviously, this was a SxR story, but it could have gone the other way. You could continue this when Shinji gets home and has to face Asuka that night. What if she saw him kiss Rei, and got jealous? What if it woke something in Rei and she had to go talk to Shinji that evening? What if Misato was already plastered by the time they got home and could only laugh hysterically as the two girls got into a cat fight over him?
So many possabilities, so little time to write.
| bloodhawk268 chapter 1 . 9/3/2007
| Ryousanki chapter 4 . 9/2/2007
Whoa! Poor little Shinji.
Really a nice FF. Thats the Kind of Fanfic you realy enjoy reading because its a funny little Story about the everyday life of our favorite Pilots.
So dude, keep on writing!
PS: i know my english sucks, but i share the same birthplace with Asuka.
| DrendeSalkash chapter 4 . 9/1/2007
oh man, this was hilarious! i would love to see a 5th chapter to explain to asuka and them what the hell kaji had said, but beggars cant be choosers. great fic
| Bastard King chapter 4 . 9/1/2007
As before, the length of the stories is a little short, but the content is bang on. If I may suggest, this would work extremely well if you were to change it into a one shot.
Overall, you done good!
| LbcLostKid chapter 4 . 9/1/2007
| dan-chan chapter 3 . 8/31/2007
Heh, nice chapter, still a bit short but it is funny enough. the unthinkables happening "operation candy at the mall" for the win. (FTW) If you need a pre reader or ideas, I could assist.
Btw It would be kind of intresting if this story was a shinji original character. they tend to me more intresting
Dun have to, just an Idea
| Fresh C chapter 3 . 8/31/2007
Well, I liked it. This story is normal enough to be abnormal (for an evangelion fic) and it was interesting enough to merit my reading of all three chapters. Kudos on the operation Candy at the Mall.
Of course the idea of Kaji taking Shinji under his wing has been done before, but not overdone as of yet, so I suppose you can get away with it.
It's very convenient that everybody suddenly decides to go to the mall, but I'm sure you know that already.
As for any advice I have for you. Only one thing I really noticed and it's one of those little things that don't really mean a lot, but help you polish your style in the long run. Try and avoid using similar word structure in consecutive sentences.
Ex: Shinji had a rough time today. He had to be at Nerv as early as 5 O'clock.
It's best to reword sentences such as these if at all possible. This is something I'm working on as well, and I only mention it because you asked for tips in your profile. The only other thing I have to say concerns length. You could very easily combine all three chapters into one and it would still be at a reasonable reading length. But don't worry about this too much. As you write more and add more detail to your stories you'll find your length growing without much conscious thought on your part... I think it's part of the natural progression.
So overall, not bad. It's a fun little story that's told well enough. Your narration is solid and I think it would be interesting to see you write more serious stuff in the future. Good luck to you and keep up the work.
| LbcLostKid chapter 3 . 8/31/2007
Lol nice chapter.
| LbcLostKid chapter 2 . 8/30/2007
| Bastard King chapter 2 . 8/30/2007
The first chapter had me worried, but now I can see what direction you're going in. This has the makings to be a great story, but it just needs a few improvements. Chapter length seems a bit short, so try lengthening it two or three times what it already is. Maybe a little more humor could go a long way. And, err... moar cowbell?
| grovewolf chapter 2 . 8/30/2007
cool keep writing
| Fifth Horseman chapter 2 . 8/30/2007
I wasn't sure about this after chapter one, it was pretty short, but this chapter gives a much better idea of where this could be heading. You're off to a good start for a first fic.