|Reviews for I Want To Be Different|
| BorntothePurple chapter 1 . 9/13/2007
I don't know if you want a review of the message of the poem or the poem itself. Well, the message is well expressed- let's take a look at the poem.
"I’m not sure who you are anymore,
But it’s time for me to go...
To be just like everyone else,
But I know,"
Throwing "know" in there is a nice move, it rhymes with "go" and sets that line out.
"I close me eyes,
And I realize,
That my place is here,
In my Father’s hands,
I hope you understand,"
Again, rhymes lined up, reads well.
Good in through here, very expressive... then..
"If loving Him isn’t the same as everyone else,
Then I want to be different,"
This did not work for me. The first line of these two is clumsy and it takes a moment to figure out what it means. This detracts from the flow of the poem. I would try "If loving Him makes me different from everyone else...Then that is how I want to be" or something similar.
"While everyone is being the same,
Thinking that God is so lame,"
This rhyme, in my opinion, does not work. It is too juvenile, first of all. Also, it detracts from the overall feel of the poem because you have been using more poetic language up until now. I think it weakens the poem.
"While inside you feel empty,
And when you realize,
That all your lies,"
"And selfish indulgences,
Won’t fill the gap,
I’ll be standing strong,"
The image of God as a rock. Very good.
"Even when all goes wrong,"
And another rhyme.
"Though I walk through the valley of darkness,
Nice biblical reference.
"I won’t fear,
Cause somewhere near,
He’ll be there,"
"Whispering in the wind…"
Ok. You know,honestly, I could have done without this last line. It is poetic and pretty, but does not seem to go with the sense of strength and power that the poem ends with. I would consider cutting it at just "He'll be there" very strong and clear. Or adding something else.
Now, these are just opinions. I hope you will not be offended by my criticisms. These are just one person's opinions, and you feel free to disregard everything I have written. Still, I hope you get something out of my critique. Keep writing, I think you are talented.
| ANIMEALWAYS chapter 1 . 9/12/2007
thanks for the dedication-really sweet
the poem was very well written and nicely done
very good description of details from life
keep up the great work-and most importantly...keep writing for Him
ANIMEALWAYS (aka. FIREBRAVE)