|Reviews for My love 2|
| PureVampirePriestess chapter 1 . 2/4/2013
Your writing style is a bit... off. :/ I don't really know how to explain it. I'm not saying the story isn't good, hell I loved it, but the way you write seems a little unmethodical. for example when you say: ''I have to tell Yuki before I forget, that im breaking up with him''
''Yeah your right.''
''He should be home by now. Will you come with me, just in case?''
''Of course anything for my Shuichi!''
There's no description to whom is talking at what time and can become confusing to the reader. You should consider putting a character action after the spoken words such as: He said while chewing on a bagel. (This can be used if the person is saying a statement. :P) or: She trailed off while mirroring his movement. (This can be used when the person speaking trails off and does not finish their sentence.) If you use a some of these in the sentences above, you can make your story more interesting.
Another thing would be your sentence variety. They need a bit of work and it would be very benificial if you were to brush up on your commas and semicolons. (Believe me on this. I've been using comma's and semi's since I can remember and I just learned more ways of usage this year in college. _;;)
You should also try typing the way that you speak. Well, maybe not if you talk like you're from the ghetto, because that would be some odd fanfiction right there, but you know what I mean. Write in a formal way of speaking. Your writing seems a little forced, as if you have been thinking about how each sentence should be written; instead, why not try just letting your mind go and typing the inner monologue. What I mean is, tell the story in your head as you type. Literally try and speak in your head. You might find your breathing pattern change like yours trying to speak the words without opening your lips. xD I know it sounds weird, but I've found that this helps a lot of creative writer's grow and thrive while they write more stories.
Now to end on a good note. :3 I really like this. The story itself was really cool. I like the idea of Shu-chan hacing a secret crush on Ryu-chin from the beginning. I sorta feel bad for Yuki, just not bad enough to do anything about it. Haha! So Thanks for writing it and I hope the tips I've given you will help you with your writing from here on out.
| Yaoiholic28 chapter 1 . 1/12/2008
That was really good.I loved Shindou-san's personality. It makes sense. He would be "Heck yeah! give it to me now!" because if you take into consideration that he was with Eiri-sama...heheh...yeah.
It was good, but you need to slow it down. If you're going for hxc yaoi, a lot more screaming, you need to have more force...yeah. With more sxc, lovey-dovey zura(sorry) yaoi, it's more, stopping to say I love you's, and "I don't care how long I ave to wait, I'll wait for you"...blahblah stuff like that.
Sorry, you waisted your time on my stupid rambling. _'
I'm not a very good writer myself so I shouldn't be talking...
Continue writing, I like your style._
| kitoriwitch613 chapter 1 . 10/16/2007
| princesspyro296 chapter 1 . 9/26/2007
o this was soo lemony! X3 I loved it hehe just a few mistakes but.. so goo and lemony XD fave list hehe