|Reviews for The New Gilmore|
| Flash Foreward chapter 13 . 6/13/2008
I tried to finish this, I really did...but, honestly, it just kept getting worse and worse.
Let's start with these strange people you call "Rory", "Lorelai", "Luke", "Jess", and "Emily". They are not the characters we all know and love from the show, they're so out of character that this is like a work of original fiction with their names tacked on.
Rory drops out of Yale because it's too hard? This is the girl who fell asleep at a kitchen table while trying to prepare for a test at Chilton. Rory isn't one to shy away from "too hard", not to mention go into fashion instead. Seriously? No.
Luke cheated on Lorelai? Lorelai assumed he cheated without at least confronting him? No way would that EVER happen. Sure, there'd be a huge fight, but she wouldn't just assume it had happened, she'd confront him with what she saw and they'd go from there.
And Lorelai packing up everything, selling the Crap Shack (to Kirk and Lulu?) and moving out of Stars Hollow? She worked hard to get where she was in Stars Hollow, she wouldn't just throw it all away.
Jess opens up far too easily to this "Daisy" character...(I refuse to call her "Allegra", not because it makes her sound rich and snooty but because it makes her sound like an allergy medication). His emails are OOC, him in person is OOC...I love Jess. Jess is my favourite character. The Jess you write is not Jess.
Emily Gilmore is not a fuzzy kitten who'll love anyone and everyone. She IS cold and calculating, she isn't gonna open up easily to anyone, let alone a stranger like Daisy.
Now, your OC herself. Is beyond a Mary Sue. She is not only automatically loved by everyone, but they all act OOC around her. Classic sign of a Sue. Not to mention the terrible background and all that.
The plot itself is just...cliche and utterly unbelievable. And it revolves far too much around Daisy.
You also need to check up on legal stuff. Particularly in regards to adoption and employment. It is NOT LEGAL to fire someone for making out with their boyfriend while on break. NOR is it legal to fire someone for being a single mother or the child of a single mother.
Rewatch the episodes, read reputable fics (I can rec quite a few), and please, please, PLEASE do some research.
| gilmorefanforever chapter 1 . 3/13/2008
Hi, Rachel. So, I finally decided to look at this. You've done a lot of good in this story! I mean, the grammar's pretty good, and you obviously put a lot of effort into it.
But I suggest taking another look at this one. Some of the characters are really out of character. Which is totally understandable, considering this was your first story.
Now, you do a time skip. Which you make pretty clear. But, you see, since it's only a paragraph, some people may skim and read over it, and in the next chapter, I highly suggest making another obvious statement that there is a time skip.
And Jess. You know Jess. He doesn't let people in very easily. So, once again, people will wonder what is going on, and why he's so sweet to Allegra. Maybe you could give us more back story about how he and Allegra became so close.
Now, moving onto the great story killer. The OC. Here, she's Allegra. Allegra is borderline Mary Sue. You've got to admit it. There's definitely been worse offenses, but Allegra shows quite a few of the major signs.
1. She takes the spotlight off the other characters. This is a Gilmore Girls fanfic, so the MAIN focus should be Lorelai, Rory, Jess, Luke, etc.
2. All the canon characters automatically love her. Even Emily excepted her with open arms. You, being a self proclaimed Emily lover, should know that she would go as far as to do a background check before even debating letting a person into her house.
3. She has an odd name. Allegra? No offense, but my first thought is the allergy medicine. And Daisy? Is there a story behind the nickname Daisy? Because if there is, you should tell your readers!
Plot wise, it's a little on the uncreative side. A misunderstanding causing a riff between Luke and Lorelai? Lorelai falling into a coma, getting amnesia, and thinking everything is alright? Rachel, I've seen these both done done a billion times, and I have the same reaction nearly every time.
"What? That's ALL they could think of?"
I know you, and I know that you're filled with good ideas. Comas, amnesia, these types of things are all major cliches, that have to be done extremely, extremely, EXTREMELY well to work.
The ending of the fic is cute, but there's a few things that irk me. Like Allegra calling Emily Grandma? Adorable, but it just doesn't seem that realistic to me.
So, there's definitely a lot of room for improvement, but I bet you can work on it and make this story great!
| Scarlet Apple chapter 29 . 3/1/2008
I don't do critiques.
But I agree with the last three reviews.
This story is a pile of turd and needs to hit the road or be rewritten. Because it SUCKS.
| BlueManicotti chapter 29 . 2/23/2008
I’d poked around the site for awhile, looking for a great Gilmore Girls fanfic to read. Seeing that Nag Hammadi, a talented and very well respected author, favorited you, I thought “oh, wow, this writer must be amazing!”
Boy, was I wrong.
Your concept of an original character looking at the Gilmore world around her was questionable at best, and all of your moves after that sent this tower of cards crumbling before you built it. Seriously, now, social workers can lose their jobs for leaving a kid behind. But not when it comes to Super Daisy-Allegra-Mary Sue! Even if it IS just to dinner, it’s at a stranger’s house!
And Daisy? She’s automatically endeared herself to everyone, including Jess? How is that possible? I seem to recall a ‘Stuart Little’ comment happening. I mention Stuart Little because Daisy does NOT act her age. Not at all.
When is this even set? How does Louise still associate with Rory if Rory goes to Yale? Luke and Lorelai are dating, too? What the heck is going on here? Oh, I see, a time warp. A few years later, presumably? Well, doesn’t that make Daisy over 18, and a legal adult? She wouldn’t need to be adopted. Think about this for a second.
That being said, I don’t think you have the slightest grasp of the Gilmore Girls timeframe. Not even a little. Insert epic fail here. You’ve managed to outfail a lot of the other writers I’ve read on here, and that says A LOT. Congratulations.
And I’m not sure if you took this into account, but some of your readers may have been adopted. They may know exactly what their birthparents and their adopted parents went through in the adoption process that you’ve conveniently glossed over here. That may be extremely offensive to them. I highly recommend that you research that next time to avoid angering your readers. You’re lucky you haven’t gotten someone commenting on that quite yet.
Rory would not drop out of Yale to become a fashion designer. We know that Rory’s dream has been to be Christiane Amanpour since she was about 4. Dreams like that don’t just suddenly change. She’s also never been mainstream. Fashion design is so mainstream, something so many girls want to do. I think it’s an insult to ASP’s brilliant, witty, and independent Rory that you’ve decided to have her fold to be like the rest of the girls in society.
Lorelai would not just pack up a life she’s struggled to build since she was a teenager and leave it behind. It’s not in character. She left home at 17, raised Rory in a potting shed for several years, and finally bought the Crap Shack after a lot of hard work. I am also hurt by your slaughter of the independent Lorelai character. She loves Stars Hollow. There was something that drew her there in the first place, and there was a reason she stayed all that time. If something bad happened, and it has before, she wouldn’t just suddenly decide that it’s all become too much for her.
And for God’s sake, if you’re a balcony buddy will you just say it already? Why would you do this to your readers? Leading them to believe it’s a JavaJunkie to find Luke sucking face with a lawyer probably lost the majority of your readership. Sprinklings of “oh, Christopher isn’t so bad” happen throughout this story, when you’ve dubbed it Luke/Lorelai. Please.
Not to mention the fact that Luke’s devotion to Lorelai that he so obviously had in the show is lost here. Oh, until he groveled for her forgiveness for something that he supposedly never did in the first place. How serendipitous that he was going to propose to her, too! Yes, it had a JavaJunkie ending, but that does not make it a JavaJunkie. Lorelai would certainly not just assume that Luke was cheating. She knows a lot about Luke and his character, having seen all the kind things he’s done for her. She would know there was some sort of explanation, some reason to this. There would most certainly be a shouting match and tears, but in the end she would ultimately believe him.
And Emily, oh, Emily Gilmore. You have an attachment to the Emily character, somehow or another. Take a step back and look at her for who she really is. Wouldn’t she practically call out the FBI to check out who this kid was? She would never have some low class brat sleeping in her house, would she? You know Emily Gilmore so well, you know that she would most certainly have her reservations.
You’ve brought OOC to a new dimension with this story. Really, you have.
But the coma storyline! Ohh, that’s rich. Richly cliché. Memory loss, oh please. Everyone does that, honey. EVERYONE. I’ve read it so much that I could practically recite the outcome of it. Lorelai gets memory loss or goes into a coma, she wakes up thinking that Luke is her boyfriend or husband, etc. Really, now, I think you’re above those storylines.
Take this from someone who has written a lot of stories. More than you have. About 15 times more, if my math is correct. Revisit your characters, their plotlines, and their tendencies. Don’t plop your own opinions into the middle of a story. There’s no reason to praise a character shamelessly like you’ve done. Unless you back it up. This has no evidence to support your lovefest for your Mary Sue, for Christopher, and for Emily.
To go off on a grammatical tangent, you can’t insert asides as thoughts while in a quote. Example: when you mention Daisy’s name in the first chapter, you put in parentheses with Daisy’s thoughts. You put something like this (paraphrasing):
“Her name is Daisy (that’s my terrible nickname)”
You should probably do this, and again, I’m loosely paraphrasing here.
“Her name is Daisy,” she said, using the terrible nickname I was given.
I’ll bet you’ve never read the narrator’s thoughts in the middle of someone’s quotes, have you? That makes no sense. You can definitely use the narrator’s thoughts after the quote, where they’re meant to go.
To wrap it all up? Take what your reviewer is saying to heart. Think about this one, and look at it again at some point. Your story really needs a lot of work. But if you choose to write in the future, and that’s honestly the only way you’re going to improve, watch some more Gilmore girls. It’s clear that you need to spend some quality time with the DVD’s and a notebook. Write down the character’s tendencies. Rory is not flighty, Lorelai does not belong in a soap opera, Christopher is not the perfect specimen of a man, Luke would not cheat on Lorelai (especially after Nicole cheated on him), and Emily has her down distinct personality.
Watch the show again, which is never a bother, and think again about how you’re characterizing these people. I highly recommend a marathon for you. A marathon, reading fan fiction by other authors (that are reputable! If you need a list of recommendations, let me know, I have plenty), and some practice with grammar will do you worlds of good.
Best of luck to you, but don’t try this again until you’re completely sure you can recite every episode in your head. And the sequel? Re-think it until you’ve done the marathon.
| Simmons 2.0 chapter 1 . 2/22/2008
I don't think your characters could be more OUT of character if they switched bodies and you were writing another fandom. You've made Lorelai become snide and unforgiving. She does not have a heart of coal! Rory is apparently right out of a soap opera. I don't think she could more dramatic. She dropped out of Yale because there was too much work and she needed a break? Give ME a break. That is definitely not in character for Rory. As for Luke? He CHEATED on Lorelai? Luke would never CHEAT on Lorelai. He loves Lorelai more than anything in the world. You have brought the javajunkie relationship to shame with that plot line. And don't even get me started on Jess! He's almost as out of character as cheating Luke! Please. Jess doesn't even act partially like himself when he writes to Daisy. He would never get attached to this kid. Remember Clara? You've made Jess out to be an absolute cornball and a clingy, needy lush. What's worse is that Rory doesn't even resonate with any of his feelings. She's just cold and vindictive. Logan generally makes me mad to begin with, but your Logan is just a pain in the butt. He would never be that clingy or consider himself "tight" with Lorelai. Richard is also too much of a lush in the story. Emmy? He now calls her Emmy all the time? It's fine to have Richard be emotional every now and then, but that jumps over the line. Also, he was extremely quick to judge Rory when she came back to the family after becoming a student at Yale once again. Richard Gilmore loves and trusts his granddaughter. I also see you have a love for Emily Gilmore. Sure, she's okay sometimes. But the line needs to be drawn. She is being too nice and accepting in the story. That is not how Emily Gilmore acts. When she lectures Luke and Christopher in a later chapter, she is still out of character. Emily really doesn't act like that. If I say it enough, perhaps you'll understand that your initial perception of Emily Gilmore was off. She would never take in a stray kid Lorelai randomly decided to adopt.
As a transition from that: Lorelai adopted a kid? They walked off into the sunset and called it a day? What, no paperwork? What happened to the social worker? How do they even know each other? I need to pick apart Daisy now. It's impossible not to. I need to know, WHY would you pick a lame original character to narrate the story? Obviously, the story is centered around her. Guess what? I don't care about your original character's hard life. Gilmore Girls is NOT about Daisy, or Allegra, whichever you prefer I call her. It was a great idea to name a girl after an allergy medicine. I'm not sure if Daisy could be categorized as a Mary Sue. She gets on my nerves, but Daisy puts all other Mary Sues to shame. She puts every other character to shame. I suppose it was a bonus for you to add a character to your story that couldn't possibly be OUT of character. Oh, yes. Kudos to you!
As for your plot, I would say don't get me started, but believe me, the more I read, the deeper my disdain grew. I've already mentioned the whole "Luke cheats on Lorelai" plotline. I have to say, that is probably the worst part of a story I've ever read in my life. That's saying a lot. To add to that, you also have Luke contradicting the story by claiming he never cheated on Lorelai. Pick a side! Either Luke didn't cheat on Lorelai, or he did. I've also picked you apart for Rory dropping out of Yale, but then you followed that up with everyone working in a bridal shop? How does that fit into the series or the story? The reason they were fired doesn't make any sense at ALL. Those were certainly not terms to be fired on. Then you started on the generic plot road by sending Lorelai to the hospital. But no! that wasn't bad enough. She had to fall into a coma and then wake up with a two year memory loss. No one's reaction to that ailment made any sense at all.
If you are going to write a story based on a specific theme, your theme being adoption, some research probably wouldn't hurt. In fact, some research probably would have helped, seeing that you know absolutely nothing about how adoption works. It's lame to ask your readers to just "pretend" that things work your way because you're the author. Honey, don't move mountains. It makes you look stupid when you can't. I beg of you, check your medical facts. If you ever write anything pertaining to medicine, look it up!
The way you ended the story was typical and cookie cutter. It was the only reason the work could be vaguely considered javajunkie. Unfortunately, you also threw in an author's note that was half the size of the actual chapter. Let me tell you, I now fear for the life of all Gilmore Girls fan that stumble across your spin off and sequel. You're going to write another story that is even more centered on Daisy? No one cares about Daisy! She has NOTHING to do with Gilmore Girls, she's just a figment of your imagination that came to you in a dream. Okay, the majority of the story wasn't about Allegra-Daisy-Mary Sue, but the next one certainly doesn't need to be! Again, Daisy is an original character, so the world doesn't need a whole Gilmore Girls story centered around her. Get a clue, will you? The fact that most of the feedback to this story is from Jeremy Shane and others that know this story is a flaming pile of turd, should tell you something. Maybe you should aspire to something else. Writing is obviously not your calling. Many of your chapters were dry and hard to read. When there wasn't unbearable drama, unbearable boredom took over. You need a few lessons in grammar and sentence structure. Punctuation is your friend! Another thing you will want to brush up on is sentence variety. One last thing, pick a tense! You write in both past and present. Pick either one and stick to it.
Thank you for wasting an hour of my life. I could have spent this time writing something of my own but I needed to correct everything that ticked me off.
| AndTheHitsJustKeepOnComing chapter 10 . 2/22/2008
I couldn't even read this. My retinas burn. My stomach hurts. And I swear ASP is having a heart attack just knowing that crap like this exists.
The characters! Oh God, the characters! The way you write Jess makes me question if you ever watched season three AT ALL! And then there's Lorelai and Rory... I can't decide which one's worse. There's Lorelai, who essentially went "ooh! You're cute! Want to be my kid?" And then there's Rory, hard working Rory, who dropped out of school because it was "too hard". To be a FASHION DESIGNER!
Ooh, and I saved the best (well, in your case, worst) for last. Luke! HE CHEATED ON LORELAI? With a lawyer? Um, wasn't this marked JAVA JUNKIE? And even before that, he was a sap. Bringing flowers and begging for forgiveness... good God. I didn't think it was possible, but you have ruined my two favorite characters completely for me in one hour.
Ooh, forgot one! Allegra/Daisy. The original character from hell. To call her a Mary Sue would be offensive to Mary Sues! First off, her name. I believe somewhere in here, it says that Allegra makes her sound like she belongs in Hartford. More like, it makes her sound like she belongs on a shelf next to Tylenol! Second off, do you know how stupid it was to make an OC your narrator? The only good thing I can say is that she was the only character who wasn't OOC!
The plot. Oh the plot. Did you have a lobotomy before you came up with this idea? Because it sure sounds like it. And when is this set? Do you even know? Rory's at Yale, and Luke and Lorelai are dating, but Louise is in the story?
In short, this is probably the worst thing I have ever read, in my life. The characterization's awful. The plot makes no sense. It literally caused me physical pain to read. Congratulations, you are officially the worst Gilmore Girls writer ever. I'm off to hire a psychologist to help me recover from my emotional scarring.
My name may say to call me Belinda, but my lips are most certainly not sealed. I intend to tell EVERYONE how horrible this was. It would be a crime to humanity not to!
| aimes113 chapter 1 . 1/17/2008
"She had me at the age of sixteen, and my father ran away the second he got the news she was pregnant. Her parents were furious at her, and forced her to adopt me," she was born and adopted by her own mother?-oh, you mean give up for adoption. :OP
stay true to the characters like, "thats so sad" could be something like "you poor thing"
describe the setting around her and the people how they dress and their hair and facial features to give more visualization.
but it is good. :O]
| Manni Renee chapter 29 . 1/15/2008
Amazing! I admit that I wasn't that interested in the beginning, but I stuck with it and I'm certainly glad I did! Can't wait for the next one!
| Pheebs20 chapter 2 . 1/10/2008
Thanks so much for the review on my fanfic! I'm glad you liked it.
I just read the first chapter of yours and I really like it, the storyline is very original. As soon as I finish it I'll leave another comment.
| nicolasamaria chapter 1 . 1/9/2008
It just seems kind of weird.
Lorelai is an amazing person,
but i think it's a little awkward for her to just pick up some kid and offer to take her home.
Also, i doubt that it would be appropriate for Allegra to just leave with a random woman while she's waiting for her social worker.
But the first two chapters are pretty good and the concept is interesting. (:
| Johnny Oreo chapter 19 . 12/27/2007
PLEASE STOP WRITING THIS TRASH IT'S AWFUL AND BORING AND IT STINKS LIKE WEEK OLD TRASH.
| Nag Hammadi chapter 14 . 12/13/2007
Oh, are you going to have some Richard/Daisy bonding coming? That would be cool to see Richard get close to her even though she is definitely not Rory...
| lilienprinzessin chapter 14 . 12/11/2007
It's an interesting idea and I love that Emily has someone she gets along with. But I'd advice you to describe a little more. Like when did they start dinner? Suddenly they're eating. Just describe everything you picture going on in your head.
Oh and enable anonymous reviews - that should bring you some more as well. Feel free to check out my stories - they're mostly about Emily.
| scottreed3391 chapter 7 . 11/16/2007
it is a really good story, but, it moves way too fast. you need to slow down and round out the characters. All you are really doing is mentioning their names. speaking of names... Allegra? that is an allergy medicine... not a name for a girl. i still think it is a good story, but maybe writing isn't really your forte...
| Jeremy Shane chapter 7 . 11/15/2007
good chapter & more please