|Reviews for A Promise|
| StandUpEvenIfYouStandAlone chapter 1 . 12/9/2009
its Lily Evans P. not Lily Luna P.
| oxEvil-BunieZ-RulEox chapter 1 . 5/19/2008
That was so so cute! You should write more pleaze!
| liz22463 chapter 2 . 12/30/2007
| PeekingSunshine chapter 1 . 10/19/2007
That was such a great story! The song fits really well, I love it because of this story! Great job!
| simplyteesh chapter 1 . 10/12/2007
that was so incredibly CUTE!
| K. East chapter 1 . 10/12/2007
I liked it, but there were a few errors. I'm going to attempt to help you with them, so please forgive me if I end up sounding like a dork. XD I'll disregard the song lyrics (which were nice, by the way).
First paragraph: Very nice. I liked it.
Second paragraph: See above.
Third paragraph: Nice. Typically, one doesn't address others by their middle names, so the dialogue was a little awkward. That's alright, though, since you were using it to get your point across.
Things like "flaming red hair", "stunning green eyes", and "purple lily" have no capitals. "Flaming red", "Stunning green", and "purple" are all adjectives, describing the nouns - "hair", "eyes", and "lily", respectively. Because they are common nouns, you don't need to capitalize the first letter unless they are at the beginning of a sentence.
The same goes for "trophy".
So common nouns - normal things. Objects or ideas, like "park" and "man". Proper nouns - the names of places or people, like "Central Park" or "John Doe".
Fourth paragraph: Once again, watch out. You have a habit of capitalizing some common nouns.
This phrase especially: "Inside the box, 17 candles and Purple Lily Petals, with Honeydukes Chocolate and- [gasp a…Emerald Ring."
It would be written this way:
"Inside the box were 17 candles and purple lily petals, with Honeydukes chocolate and an... emerald ring."
"Honeydukes" may be capitalized because it is the name of the shop. Remember that when the next word starts with a vowel - a, e, i, o, or u - you must use the word "an", not "a".
Also, the "gasp" is unnecessary. You might put something like, "Inside the box were 17 candles and purple lily petals, with Honeydukes chocolate. Lily gasped. There was also an emerald ring."
Overall, I though this was good. The poem was sweet. :)
Fifth paragraph: Typically one would not use the word "'til" unless in dialogue (as in someone is saying something). Better is the word "until" - or if you must write "'til", be sure to include the apostrophe before it, which shows that the word is a shortened version of "until".
In all, this story was pretty sweet, and went well with the song lyrics. :) I hope you can take at least some of my advice.
Keep up the good work!