|Reviews for Tempest Pixie|
| TReneeM chapter 3 . 10/24/2015
I like the idea of your book but the way you wrote it ,Ade it seem more like a diary. I think you should revise it and make it into an actual book.
| luckystar125 chapter 3 . 4/14/2008
it is good i like it
| Randomlyinsanechicas chapter 3 . 2/3/2008
This is great I love it!
| Fighter37 chapter 3 . 2/2/2008
The story sounds interesting. I would like to read more. Please update soon.
| tempest-races chapter 1 . 2/1/2008
Ok, this is going to be fairly long so I’m sorry in advance.
The first chapter with the character bios? No, I don't want to know in advance. I want you to build the characters as you tell me the story. I want the character to be introduced in a way that makes me care to learn more about them. And I want the interesting tidbits to keep coming at regular intervals to keep me interested and wanting to know more. Its better to build a bit of mystery. Why does someone care so much about X? What is her motivation for Y? What caused her to feel that way about Z? Why does A make her do BCD? That will keep people reading to find out the answers to their questions if you build the interest well. If you tell everyone everything there is to know in one long info-dump biography, where is the mystery and the desire to find out what has made her into her? No where. You revealed it all. And as she's a brand new OFC we have no sympathy or empathy for her yet, which makes all your over the top details about her past read like another bad tabloid article about Britney Spears. Sorry, but until we care about her as a 'person' we just don't have a personal vested interest in her situation, so all the (unbelievable) details just make you roll your eyes and hit the back button, tbh. Try to think to yourself about what would actually make a person act a certain way before you say they would. If you can't come up with a real reason why they'd act that way, don't use it.
About Nellie. Having a child she is an unfit mother to does not endear her to me. You cannot say she goes about beating people up and cutting them for no reason, and make her someone's mother, and expect to have anyone but 15 year old girls think that's cool. On the same subject of her. Her physical description makes her very unrealistic and unbelievable. Beyond the thing with her eyes, which is pretty silly (sorry to be honest but it is,) her many tattoos and piercings turn her into a cartoon character. The most effective use of that kind of thing is to use it sparingly. Unless she's a gang banger. I mean, have you ever watched L.A. Ink? When Kat was in Miami she felt like a freak, people stared at her. And she's gorgeous! And not pierced. But with all her tats the world just wasn't willing to accept her. It would not be different for your character. So while yes, some people are very tattooed, it does not add anything to this character and makes her very over the top coupled with your way too descriptive account of her jewelry and looks. It honestly makes her read like a cartoon character. Again, you are not setting this on Primax 4 the other planet. You're setting it on earth in the 20's. That means that while you can have fun with a character, such as they like to dye their hair in unique ways, you have to keep it somewhat real in other ways, such as giving her one eye colour that happens on humans. She also has far too many nicknames.
Onward to the fact she knows Karate, kickboxing and tag team wrestling. Ok, tag team wrestling? Its fake, made up for TV. Real wrestling looks nothing like the WWE. Its all submission holds and grappling flat on the mats. It would be useless in a street fight. And even WWE style wrestling is way different than boxing.
Boxing and Karate take lifetimes to get good at. I know Karate, Shotokan to be exact. I took it for two years and got to my orange belt. If your dedicated, you can advance faster than that, but you have to go, you have to be dedicated, and you have to live the life. I can tell you right now that this character you've described might be taught boxing. But with her anger/life issues she would not be taught Karate. I'm sorry, full stop, she would not. You have to agree to seek perfection of character, and to refrain from violent behaviour to enter the dojo and learn Karate. Violent behaviour is always a last resort. This character you've built would not be allowed by Sensei to take lessons. She also would not have her black belt at 17. Not unless she'd been going since she was four or five and even then it would be a youth belt and she'd have to retest for her adult one after she turned 18. And I'm also sorry, but kids in the system would not very often be taken to Karate lessons three times a week. And if they did they'd have better moral fibre than this young lady.
The other one... Also too many nicknames, too much detail in an info-dump about her. They're just not believable, and they really aren't dumped on us as they were.
The story itself has technical, rules of English style errors that detract from it, but are not as bad as the underlying lack of believable characters. Things like when you write numbers that aren't time you write the word. So 1 year should be 'one year' in written prose. Nine years not 9 years. The centering of the whole thing makes it hard to follow, but you could easily just set it for left justify and reupload to correct that.
No way does a single mother who lives in a trailer home with two other people have an Austin Martin DBS... I mean, I know this is your fiction, and whatever, but its so out there it reads like a bad cartoon. Why couldn't she drive something available to more than 500 people a year? It is also a two seater coupe and has no space for her baby seat. If she was Paris Hilton’s sister, ok. If she’s a poor single mother who spent her life in and out of the system and being raised by her cop brother, she can’t afford it. She can’t. Its silly. You couldn’t steal it and drive it around the USA because they’re an English car, there are very very few of them sent to North America each year, and it would stand out like a sore thumb. She’d be caught, the car would be returned and that’s the end of the story. You could pick a car where someone could afford to buy it eventually, or where it could be stolen and the VIN altered so she might not get caught. This is a racing/car fandom. If you’re going to write about the cars or the racing, you should either know what you’re talking about, or discover your googlefu and do your research.
Sorry but this: "On the front is a picture of a lynx, cougar, bobcat, leopard, black leopard, panther, jaguar, Siberian tiger, tiger and a lion. On the side is a Siberian tiger." made me laugh out loud. Surely you could pick one of them and come up with a concept? The over all feeling I get from this story is lack of attention to detail and lack of wanting to make effort. Everything is quick and slapdash.
The whole thing about revenge on the Trans for getting off with probation for what they did could be done well. But its so rushed. That scene itself should take up a whole actual length chapter. No body fights back? Nothing happens? They throw some smoke bombs and shoot them and then they jump in the car and go home? Revenge is a very personal emotion. If they were so well trained and so tactical, wouldn't they want to enjoy the process of getting their revenge? Get in there and get ‘dirty’? Personal weapons are knives, your fists. Anything that gets you close to the victim and makes it personal. You've written it like a mob hit, like someone told them to go and off those two people so they did. It doesn’t read like it was a personal vendetta. Also, post movie one Johnny is already dead. Brian killed him, and he's obviously dead on the road. So the Trans are Lance and who?
You seem to have some good ideas for an action story. But this section of the site is riddled with similar OFC's to yours that are just poorly hidden stand ins for what the author wishes she was. And its unrealistic and personally I'd rather read about some people with depth and complexity that could be real.
If you plan to keep writing fiction and would like to write better fiction I would recommend you research a few things. Character development. The technical rules of writing prose and dialog in English. Also, it wouldn't hurt for you to research what a Mary Sue is and learn to avoid her like plague. People tend to say 'but she has flaws! she can't be Mary Sue!' Yes, she can. A character has to have HUMAN strengths and weaknesses. So when you write that she's killed and stolen and gotten off with jeuvie hall, that doesn't equal an actual human flaw. It equals too much drama and not enough realism. You need to flesh out your character more, your story more, and add a heck of a lot more details to your scenes. And think about letting us learn about the characters via the telling of the story and the more in depth scenes. Not in info-dump biographies before any of the story kicks off. Its all stuff I had to learn the hard way too, but the important part is to let the ‘how dare she say I’m not the most awesome writer she’s ever read’ reaction wear off, do some thinking and decide what you want out of writing and go from there. Personally, I want to be published someday, so I had to take the advise to heart, learn to make up a ‘real’ character and write legibly in the English language. Its up to you what you want out of your writing, but right now you’re not really offering anything that several other people haven’t already done.
Sorry for the long winded ramble. The other people who reviewed for the most part could have been nicer, but they raised valid points.
Tempest (The actual one, lol)
| Mrs Dominic Toretto Aus chapter 2 . 11/25/2007
hey hun great update...
great chapter... a little bit longer would of been nice lolololol (but i think im just being cheeky and wanting more)
dont listen to other ppls crap ok hun if they dont like ur story they shoudlnt read it...
some good cars are :- nissan silvia, nissan 240sx, toyota celica, toyota supra, scion tc, infiniti G35
but pls pls pls pls pls pls update again soon ok
will be awaiting the next chapter
| Chamilia Convertible chapter 2 . 11/19/2007
This is still stupid.
You have the internet, but you can't go pick out a car for your mary sue to drive? That's pretty lazy, sloppy writing.
There is no story, there is no plot, and if you repeat the words 'blame the trans' one more time, I'll slap you if I can find you. You couldn't plot your way out of a small paper bag.
| Lt-Spork89 chapter 1 . 10/27/2007
Besides being hard to read (with the top being bunched together and as well as the bottom) this looks like it would be an interesting story. Though for the eye thing to get more people off of your case maybe make the "unique" eye colors contacts? I think it's what makes her interesting though. But not many people see that kind of thing as "interesting" but as dumb ignore them!
As for the past reviews of people I've gotten many flames (one person called me stupid for getting a name wrong because I never read the comic the show was based off of go figure) just take the useful information/tips from them and ignore the harsh flames. Keep up the story!
And if you ever need any help or ideas PM me! :)
| pumpkinhead0402 chapter 1 . 10/21/2007
Listen I have been writing stories on this site for years and I have never seen someone bashed as badly as your last two reviewers bashed you. Ignore them, this is a free site you can type what you want, about anything you want. Most people give constructive criticism and most people aren't so rude about it. People should learn that if they really don't like a story, just read a different one rather then leaving a horrible review. Don't let people bring you down. Be creative that's what this sites for!
| Chamilia Convertible chapter 1 . 10/15/2007
You are a spoiled brat. And this is totally horrid. Rather than putting down the people who tell you the truth, why don't you take their advice and try to do better?
The thing with her eyes is totally stupid. That's pretty much the kicker right there. As if Brian, the irresponsible junior detective adopting two kids, and then getting to keep them when they run around getting tossed in jevie and get themselves knocked up isn't bad enough! I think if you adopted 10 year old twins, the state would want to check up on you, and do surprise checks etc.
It seems you couldn't get a clue if you were standing in a clue field, in the middle of clue mating season, calling "clue clue clue"
| Mrs Dominic Toretto Aus chapter 1 . 10/15/2007
hun its ok keep writing coz u can get better with encouragement help and advice... on reviwer couldnt even have the balls to put there name to the review and the other hasnt even published a story to even be able to advise others on there eriting abitiles...
keep it up and if u need help etc just pm/im me and i'll help
| playinginthetraffic chapter 1 . 10/14/2007
From the 'facts' this is going to be the dumbest Mary Sue story ever.
Brian, given his line of work and age, would not likely adopt two older children. Let alone be approved to do so. He's an undercover detective! He's also single. Why would he adopt children, let alone be allowed? Wakey Wakey.
And this: "Her eyes tend to change colors a lot but they are mostly green, hazel, blue, aqua, brown, black, and gray/silver." Go take a biology course. Please. Her eyes could likely shift from hazel to brown, in a small way. Or even blue to green, subtlety. No one's eyes can shift from black to 'gray/silver'. And how are her eyes 'mostly' every color of the flipping rainbow?
Please understand no one gives a f*ck what jewelery she 'usually' has on. If it becomes relevant at some point in the story, tell us then. Given you've also named us three main female characters and haven't put a name to the description of your Sue, how are we supposed to know which girl it is. Oh, that's right, it won't matter because they will all be cookie cutter images of each other, as all will be cookie cutter versions of 'bad ass sue'. If you don't know what Mary Sue is, go look it up on Google. If you put your 'characters' through any decent Mary Sue litmus test, they would fail.
Because at writing fan fiction, you fail. Oh, and nothing says I have to email this to you. This is why the review system is here, by the way. For reviewing what you think of the story.