|Reviews for Race Against Time|
| ObsessedwithBirds chapter 7 . 1/18/2009
LOL Puffy. XD She died, too... hilarious!
| MadeUpFigment chapter 5 . 11/12/2007
Heh, looks like I should've checked this story earlier.
Well, you gotten a little better at the description thing. A little bit. Though I think you made Ash's OOCness even worse.
How old is Ash here? In the show he's ten, but here he's swearing an awful lot. And for stupid things for that matter. It also seems like you're trying to dumb him down to make Adle seem smart, which is a big no-no for fanfiction. Never twist a cannon character's personality to suite your fan character's needs (in this case, make her seem smarter). I've seen a story do this before and many, many people hated it.
Watch the show more and decide if Ash acts the same in this story as he does in the show. If he doesn't, then you need to work on the story.
I think it's best for you to replace Ash with anothr fancharacter, that way the OOCness will not be a problem. At least until you have a better grasp on his personality.
I'm glad you explained the battle thing, but remember Ash is very experienced, even if he did not win every battle. Heh, this is coming from someone who hates Ash with a passion.
Also, spacing is not neccessary for 's. For example, you type don't like don 't. That's not proper.
There's still quite a few typos, which give me the impression that you did not proof read (no offencem but it's how I see it). Or that you're not good at catching these kind of mistakes, which I also usually have trouble doing. I suggest a beta tester or a spell checker.
I honestly suggest reading some other fanfics for a while and get a grasp on how spacing ect., is usually done.
I would also like to comment on the character's last name, Anal is it? Err...you do know what that word means right? I suggest a different last name...
Good luck on improving and thanks for taking concrit maturely. Though it's best not to insult your own work. Think about it, if you think it sucks, why should anyone think different? If you don't like your own story, work on it until at least you're some what happy with it. Sorry for the lecture, but I felt like it needed to be said.
-A crappy reviewer
| MadeUpFigment chapter 4 . 10/16/2007
"Please review! I enjoy all suck ups."
You're going to despise me then.
-12 year old Adle Anal was bored.-
Most people prefer the number spelt out. Like so 'twelve'. Of course this is just personal preference, so my advice can be ingored.
-She was a Class A member of Team name was Betty.-
Again, this is mostly personal preference, but I hate it when names are just given like that. It might of been cool not to know exactly who she was until later. You know, give the mysterious appeal? Or atleast keep the readers guessing.
-After the battle (Adle winning), Adle went to look for Mareep.-
...how the heck did she win? Keep in mind Ash is a very experienced trainer. I don't know about Adle, but she doesn't come off as an experienced trainer. Heck, her favorite pokemon hasn't evolved yet, and it evolves through leveling.
Also, people general hate it when OCs beat the cannon characters easily. It has to do with 'Mary-Sues'. If you don't know what that is, feel free to ask me in a PM.
-" Team Rocket was here.I could smell pokemon and rubber nets."-
...uh...I can understand how she can smell pokemon, they give off scents. But rubber? That's quite far fetched. Unless it was burnt or someone sprayed perfume on it, she shouldn't be able to smell it easily.
Though I do have a solution for that. As mentioned, burt rubber is easy to smell, and electricity gives off heat, so maybe Blossom could cause the rubber to be slightly burnt from an electric attack?
You're making Ash out-of-character. Ash wouldn't just say 'So?' is Team Rocket was around. Just look at all the trouble they gave him and his pikachu.
-,but Meowth was still trying to kill Adle with fury swipes-
I also think you made Meowth out-of-character. He doesn't come off as someone who would kill. Fight, yes, kill, I doubt it.
You seem to have trouble with spacing, I could help put proper spacing if you want. (through PM of course).
I would also like to point out somethings:
Some of these events seem truely pointless. Like Jessie, James and Meowth appearing. There was no point in having them here. They didn't move the plot along, they didn't add anything to the story...they really didn't do anything besides making this story a bit clich'e (no offence).
Here's another problem, the totodile. What was the point for TR killing it? They didn't even bring it to the boss! Think about it, it's a rare species, Betty (I'm assuming) easily managed to get it, but then decided to kill it? That makes no sense, she doesn't GAIN anything from it. In fact, she wasted a great chance to impress her boss, so that was quite unrealistic.
Also, why is Blossom kicknamed but Totodile isn't? That's kind of odd if you think about it.
There seems to be more dialog then anything else really. It gets repitive, quik.
You skipped the fight scenes (what could've made the story a little more exiting...), you lack description (I have no clue what Adle looks like), and Adle seems...er...how should I put it? Boring? I don't have a good grasp on her personality so far, and she doesn't seem very devolped right now.
I'd also like to comment on the flashback/end flashback thing. Readers tend to hate that. It ruins the flow of the story, and most people should tell wether it's a flashback or not.
As an experienced writer said, it's best to make the character think back instead of saying 'FLASHBACK!'. Like so:
-She shuddered as she thought back to that horrible day...
It was a cold winter's day...-
I think you get the point.
This is also personal preference, but it's best not to beg for reviews. It can easily annoy people, and usually it makes them want to stop reading the story at all, much less review. If the story's good, people will review without needing to be asked.
I know it's irritating having to wait for reviews, but it's part of being a writer.
All in all, the idea is good. This could be a very exiting story, but it needs a lot of work. With more effort, this could become a decent story.
Useless scenes or events (Jessies, James and Meowth)
All around description
P.S. I have useful links on my profile, maybe you can look at them?
-A crappy reveiwer