|Reviews for Everybody Can Have Flaws|
| Kyra1 chapter 1 . 1/2/2008
So having seen your message on the concrit topic at the Furnace I decided to swing by. Overall, I find myself rather interested. I'll be honest that I don't know if they're OOC or not because I've never seen an episode or even five minutes of an episode from the series. That being said let's move on.
Your opening paragraph is a bit rocky. Don't let it get monotonous by using the same thing to start each sentence. Most of the sentences start with "he." Also, something that's very confusing is your choice to use hyphens for the dialogue rather than quotes. Quotation marks are made for a reason, so use them. Again, it's just confusing not to use them when that's what they're there for.
You asked about showing vs telling which makes me ask you how does someone ready to enter look? It's in your opening line. Does he have a briefcase? Is he on the step about to knock? Exactly what does ready look like?
You're line "His eyes met hers, transparent grayish blue meeting light brown sparkled with gold" is a bit redundent with the two "meets" in there. A little reorganizing of the words and it should be fine.
Whew... sorry I don't mean to get long winded. I don't exactly have a talent for shortness, except maybe my height. My favorite part to the story was actually Paul meeting the lost girl in the hallway. It's a very nice glimpse at both of their personalities. She seems insecure and easily embarrassed, while he doesn't mind being a bit forward. Where he physically turns her around is especially cute.
It seemed as though you weren't sure how to start the story, but once you got going it flowed nicely. I'm really interested to know where you're going with this. Excellent job!
| Vivi the Blind Gorgon chapter 1 . 11/12/2007
*does first comment dance* Boogie boogie boogie! *ends dance*
I know, I'm your beta reader, so I already know the whole story, yadda yadda! Doesn't mean I can't comment it twice! *makes big sad eyes* Does it?
Anyways, I love this story and I can't wait for the next chapters to come... I LOVE Marianne, though we haven't seen her much. For those who worry about her becoming some kinda Mary Suzette, "you know what? NO!" Actually, she is more like a Jack-in-the box...
random reader: She springs in your face?
No, i meant she is full of surprises... and sweetness... like cake, I love cake!