|Reviews for Shattered Mirror|
| Mad Hatter Stories chapter 17 . 3/26
I know you done with this fanfic and it and it's sequel is complete but I'd like to throw my hat into the ring to decipher Fidchell's Prophecy. (I also want to clarify I haven't read anything past Chpt 17 right now)
The Epitaph's will fight for their right to live with their users in [The World] but will ultimately fail, even Skeith will be torn from Haseo and both will become hallow shells of their former selves, to gain more control over Skeith, Aihane will infect him with AIDA and it will work for a time but then Skeith will combine with the AIDA and use the power to break from Aihane's bonds and return to Haseo, all the while Aihane will have succeeded in capturing more of the Avatars and the Azure Knight's, even capturing Aura after Skeith's escape and will begin his plan to dominate both the real and virtual world with the power of Aura and the captured Avatars, in his vanity Aihane will cast away many of his AIDA fragments in favor of the more powerful and stable AI if [The World]. To the players of [The World] and the people of the real world all will be lost, but Haseo and Skeith will fight with all their might and power to continue to stand against Aihane even gaining the trust and partnership of the cast off AIDA fragment to aid in the fight with the combined efforts of Skeith and the AIDA they release the other bound Avatars and the combined might of all 8 phases and the AIDA fragments will defeat Aihane and his mind will be destroyed by Skeith's wrath and the rage of the AIDA he once had control of.
Did I do a good job deciphering the Prophesy?
| Server lock chapter 10 . 11/29/2014
That was enough drama for me.
| Eltyr chapter 24 . 4/2/2014
| Ganheim chapter 7 . 2/18/2014
and was jumped on by a group of chickie
[This conjures an image of the Animaniacs acting like children and using Pi like a trampoline, not the image of an ambush in a corrupted area]
also feel Tarvos anger
female voice shouted. "Get over yourself
your Pi right
Alkaid was clearly surprised
[Of course, she WAS involved in the final push against Cubia]
Well your finally
It's a bit tough to get a handle on their relationship
[There’s not a lot that’s expressly stated. What about a more distant master-apprentice friendship?]
These monsters were all created by Morganna herself
[I think they were all connected aspects of Morganna. The avatars aren’t monsters, and implication is they were born from Morganna’s process of preparing to create Aura and not later creations like the barbell-bugged-monsters in .Hack SIGN]
that's where Kite and the other dot hackers
[He wasn’t part of things then, wouldn’t he focus on the aspects more directly connected to him? SIGN is part of the .hack story, but it’s all backstory for them]
the beat player added
[This doesn’t describe the person talking, not in any clear sense]
I don't beat up every unfortunate player
[Neither Sirius nor Alkaid act like this, and both know it. That’s why Haseo respected them both. If they were idiots like Bordeaux then he’d merely disdain them]
I'm not so hung up on my pride
[This was something he woke up out of during Vol 2]
answered to no one except Ovan
[This doesn’t let the writer off the hook. Bringing it up twice just means you have to have a reason why Corbenik has a special bond with Ovan, why Ovan was deemed worthy. As Chekhov would say, if a gun is shown in Act 1, it had better go off by Act 3]
Almost from the beginning AIDA had controlled not just Ovan
[AIDA limited Ovan’s options, but it never controlled him. The fact that he purged it from the entire internet in Vol 3 is proof of that]
knowledge of data programmin
[1: programming. 2: the avatars were all implied to have comparable levels of innate understanding of The World and likely networks in general]
use his rebirth ability to escape
[The rebirth ability is like a giant “reset the world” button, not a ‘teleport to safety’, which is possibly something all avatars can do anyway]
| Guest chapter 8 . 1/2/2014
have haseo and atoli kiss
| Death The Kid X Liz chapter 50 . 9/19/2012
Ok, first of all, I probably should have put more time into this. As it is I'm going to be writing a fairly long review for you. So here goes.
But first a few notes.
1.) I hate you. (keep reading.)
2.) I love you so much. (yes I know this sounds contradictory but reading this fanfiction caused me bothe extreme pleasure and extreme anguish.)
3.) you need to help me create a magical machine to bring chigusa to life because I want her to be the mother of my children.
4.) you managed to write a story that made my heart pound and made it stop in place. You did an amazing job.
5.) this was written on an iPod so please forgive and forget spelling mistakes.
So on to my actual review.
First of all, I love this story with all my heart. I love your portrayal of the epitaphs and the users, their growing bonds and the bonds between the phases. I want to live in your head, and in this wonderful world you have created. Reading this gave me the biggest fangasms ever. I wish I had amazing tech powers and could animate this with your permission and help. I would love if this was a movie.
Your writing was never dull and although I saw many spelling and grammatical mistakes, I really don't think those mattered. If I had money, I would love to buy the writes from you to publish this as a novel and the writes from the owners to get permission to do so because this, my lady was amazing. I am so excited to read the sequel and intend to start that as soon as my time allows. You've made an amazing work here, and I sincerely thank you for your dedication and work on this amazing work of beauty.
My lady, you are amazing. I am literally fangasming still: I am sorry I waited till chapter fifty to review but I wanted to read more. Even when you had me crying my eyes out for poor Ryou and Chigusa, I wanted to continue. I was figuratively on the edge of my seat for almost all of this story, but generally I read it before going to sleep so usually I was lying down. But anyways my reading and sleeping habits aside, I am amazed by your skill and finess at writing this. I want to grow up someday to write a hundredth of how well you do. (figure of speech)
So, on to some of my favorite parts. I love the fluff between Ryou and Chigusa, and actually have yet to decide whether I want her more with me or with him. Your Ryou was amazing. He was a real person. He had thoughts and suspicions and feelings like the rest of us. He reminded me of myself. I nearly died when reading your tale, and when I got up the courage to continue I wept with great joy. If I had money to pay you for your dedication and amazingness, I would not have enough: this story deserves to be converted into all languages and shared with all dot hack fans.
Ok... I think you get the point I should probably stop before I injure you by inflating your ego till it bursts, but the point is, this story made me happy and sad and it was everything I wanted and more. You have created a real wonder, and I would not be unhappy if I went through and read it again.
| Endlos Nacht chapter 50 . 9/12/2012
Well written, I enjoyed your work.
| Ronnin-themanwithnoprinciples chapter 9 . 5/21/2012
Man, our FanFictions are so opposite it HALARIOUS!
In my story, my OC is a good guy, in yours the OC is a bad guy.
In mine the Phases are the bad guys, in yours their the good guys.
My Corbenik is going to be just as strong if not stronger than the other phases, and yours is the weakest and in disrepair.
I don't think there is Any NOT canon-proved material we could create ourselves that isn't different from each others story!
On an unrelated note; I still really like how you are working the Haseo/Atoli pairing. You make it feel so much more natural than it felt in the games.
| Ronnin-themanwithnoprinciples chapter 7 . 4/27/2012
Tarvos is pretty interesting. You're certainly matching 'The Avenger' title well. But i'm confused on why Alkaid and Sirius could see Tarvos? Did Aihane do that on purpose or is there some other reason for it happening?
| Ronnin-themanwithnoprinciples chapter 6 . 4/20/2012
Oh Sakaki... even without your memories your a concieted dirtbag who i will hate forever more.
P.S. personally I think the Haseo/Atoli couple was too forced to ever work out in a real life situation and think Alkaid is a better fit. But I'm not someone who screws around with characters to bend them to my will. Since that's the couple the game went with I'm not about to write a HaseoxAlkaid FanFiction or something.
My personal presences aside though I do like how you are handling Haseo and Atoli's relationship. More so than they handled it in the series if nothing else...
| Ronnin-themanwithnoprinciples chapter 5 . 4/20/2012
FUN! I think you getting all their characters down really well, giving it a feel similar to the game, which in turn makes the FanFiction a lot cooler to read.
P.S. Man I hate Sakaki! I realize it was only a matter of time before he came back but still...
| Ganheim chapter 2 . 2/23/2012
poor Atoli is going to have to fight on her own this time, Haseo won't be able to back her up
[In other words…she’s going to have to stand up for herself without handing the fight off to somebody else like she’d been doing for her whole life, up to and including the battle with Cubia? I like Atoli, don’t get me wrong, but she has so much room to grow and consistently fails to reach out and take the opportunities that life dangles right in front of her]
his homework doen
[done, I hope]
no noobs to help out
[Since when did he ever do this?]
I'll actually be able to relax for once
[Haseo’s an Object-Oriented Person. Since when has he ever been able to play just to relax? From his first login to his last in the series, he always came for a reason besides wasting time]
if your interested
[Atoli tended to use the correct “you’re”, and I recommend the same to you]
for the source…Can't you leave
I'm not going through the trouble of trying find another compatible host; you get me brat?
[Was your intention to make Skeith seem as much like a whiny little toddler as possible? It’s got more “yawn effect” than “wow effect”]
Haseo froze on the steps, "History?
[Haseo might query, but in and of itself that statement doesn’t mean anything. The battles through Vol1-3 were significant enough to be history in their own right. As of yet, nothing’s come up that’s implied Skeith knew or interacted with Haseo’s player previously]
not occupied were Bordeux
[I want to point out that all of these characters are post-game bonus characters. Like the marriage events, all of which were confirmed to be ‘non-canon bonus material for the players interested in that route’ and given their history it’s unlikely that they would have met again (unless unpleasantly) even if they could have]
so Haseo was eager to get stronger of course.
[The sentence construction seems rather awkward here]
if I'm going to keep all of my rabid fans away
[Who’s he ever kept away by being powerful? Even Bordeaux kept hunting him]
tried to contain his anger rather then blowing up at everyone
[Um…I don’t know if you’ve ever seen Roots, but if not you should watch it. It explains a lot about Haseo’s character, and Shino and a few others. He started as rather cynical and withdrawn, and his anger as of the beginning of Vol 1 was a direct result of Shino drifting away from him when he’d just started to become attached. Shino’s being PKed was just the clincher that reaffirmed his being touchy with everybody else – the temporary nature of that attitude is clear in his treatment of Gaspard and Silabus early in Vol 1. Now those things being said, I can understand that Atoli would have an incomplete knowledge of him, but I think she’s become a little more perceptive than these statements indicate]
she commented sounding sad
[This is telling instead of showing, and I don’t buy it. Or the Source Mixing]
After all Haseo did have a tendency to ignore things like this when it was convenient for him
[I think that statement could be made of a lot of the cast, but Haseo less than others]
Excuse me, but the battle you fought?
[Wait, are you having Skeith respond to the narrative? I call foul. No way is this believable unless you’re going to have a lot of Deadpool-esque breaking of the fourth wall]
They fought their way through the field and all of them went up a level
[I am not seeing anything. This is so passive and disconnected it’s like reading a sign saying “go read something else”. It’s not gripping at all]
Before something like that would have annoyed him to death
[He didn’t care that she was observing the lucky animal before, he was annoyed that she stopped him from kicking it]
okay Haseo?"…"Uh, fine
Your not the most
act like nothings wrong
[nothing is, or nothing’s]
when your doing worse then any of us
[Oh boo hoo. Atoli had no more pressure than most adolescent women in rich, developed nations with plentiful access to clean water, electricity, medical care, safe food, and luxuries like the internet. Having to deal with multiple social circles is a fact of life and something everybody has to deal with, Atoli just confronted those social pressures inefficiently. Your portrayal isn’t building her up to be anything especially strong or developed, more importantly]
there she goes making me feel bad again
[What about the lying to his face by saying nothing about Sakaki, who apparently is still a preoccupation of hers?]
it had forcibly suppressed Aura's power
[I’m pretty sure the creators said she just withdrew. It’s not that she lost power as much as she was thought to be uninterested]
too late to stop the hacker
[I think the point was made well at ‘too late’, the rest was redundant]
once I have control of Skeith
[Wouldn’t it be easier to say ‘the eight phases’ than name all of them?]
and the Avatar's
and fight's with the
Azure Balmung would have his abilities suppressed as well
[Well, that would cover both major immediate problems, but the Azure Knights might not work anything like the avatars, and wouldn’t a system to suppress one also suppress Innes? Aihane should’ve struck while Atoli was alone (and it was mentioned she was alone in the intervening time between last chapter and here)]
and she's going to be all alone
[She’s got them right there for moral support…]
Danger...AIDA" the AI warned
[It could also use text. There are direct personal messages and all-player chat]
Skeith responed and
but rather then hitting the attack
[hitting, - and this is why commas are important, without that separation you were saying something different]
I can't summon Skeith for some reason. Your going to have to summon Innis
[1: your grammar leaves something to be desired. 2: Haseo has a certain lacking for being able to back down, this was very clearly shown repeatedly in Vol 2 and 3. He’d be more likely to stand in the way and tell them to flee than say “oh, I’m no good, I’ll let you do everything”. Atoli hasn’t even said anything like “I can still feel my epitaph, I’ll do it” to add credibility to this idea]
The attack send red
dashed away firing more
spider lifted it's legs
Your idea is one I’ve seen before, but it’s a workable plan to bring up The World and return the epitaphs to a place of importance in a world that should be without AIDA or Cubia. The first concern I have is that it seems like a lot of the characters have regressed – their behavior seems to more closely resemble Vol 1 than where they were in the end of Vol 3 despite explicit mention that your story is post-trilogy. Also a major problem is your orthography. Spelling, confused words, and most especially Source Mixing does a LOT to draw your audience out of the story. I’d love to see an epic rise in the .hack section, but I’m not going to compromise on my expectations of quality and your audience is more likely to come back if your story’s well written as well as well typed. I’d like to enjoy this story, but it’s got too many flaws (especially Source Mixing and incorrect use of plural/possessive).
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 2/23/2012
where he looked everything
tear 'The World apart
[I think if it’s capitalized there’s no need to attempt to enclose it with inverted commas]
Haseo, was busier then ever…with…challengers at the Sage Palace
[I know he fought them in the games, but I’d be more inclined to think that he’d resign it like he did the Demon Palace. The titles don’t have meaning to him, the people he protects does and he fought those battles for them (at least eventually, it was for himself to start)]
Canard would be receiving an entire area as their new Home
[That would make it harder to cater to beginners, wouldn’t it?]
blankets aside Ryou got
the bedroom he walked
as she handing him
Ryou's mother spoke up
[This is odd – canon is pretty clear that he lived alone, likely in an apartment his parents rented for him to study in Tokyo since where they are is never even implied. Oh well, minor detail]
Your not the
[“your” possessive “you”. “you’re” contraction “you are”. Please get this right, it’s consistent and easy and not doing so reflects negatively on your writing]
she added teasingly and Ryou scowled at her, "What's that
[Ooh, that’s bad! Source Mixing. When you break to a new character, you should break to a new paragraph. There’s no excuse for not doing this when dialog’s involved]
Hey Haseo!"…"How many times
disbanded so it feels
until we get the other members settled in
[The thousands of the constantly growing newb roster? I think he’ll know that won’t happen. Granted, I’m expecting him to foister the responsibility off onto somebody more interested, like Atoli or Silabus]
Haseo gave them the area words
[Wait, CC Corp wouldn’t email the pre-existing members the words to their own area? That’s a little…sloppier than they’ve handled things. Granted, they’d still talk about it and mention heading out to check it out if just for audience convenience, but this doesn’t look like the right way]
all arrived Haseo gave
with waterfalls were spilling
the sun must be high in the sky
[Doesn’t seem to match the ‘twilight’ of the area, but I suppose that’s not always consistent anyway. Would’ve been poetic, like Moon Tree’s area always being night]
oink"…"Why you arrogant
[Just say No to Source Mixing]
you don't want to scare off your new guild mates before you even get to meet them do you
[They’re not in the immediate area, and when has Haseo ever cared for the popularity of the masses anyway?]
one not enjoy himself
no longer need at
CC Corp they was
the possibilty that
[possibility. Did I mention this is a lot of errors in one sentence?]
they would be let go from the company
[Odd. While Pi expressed dissatisfaction that may have meant leaving CC Corp, all game implication was that Yata had both significant interest and loads of blackmail if necessary to remain an admin]
which was compiling any and all information on the player
[I think the sentence construction runs on – just ‘compiling information’ does the job excellently]
Aihane thought with sick pleasure
[Was this really necessary? We’ve already got the “I’m gonna rule the world!” monologue, I think the narrative calling him ‘sick’ is superfluous at best]
The Eight Phases were A.I.'s originally designed primarily for fighting
[No they weren’t, they were designed to collect information on the human spirit. Fighting was just one thing they found themselves rather capable of]
About time most of them left
[This is the internet. It’s 24/7, and since the GU series is explicit about Haseo being in the news worldwide, it’s also pretty strong in its implications that when Haseo is voted most popular player in Vol 3, that it’s a worldwide consensus]
you sure your okay?"
[1: you’re, 2: Source Mixing]
picked and area at random area
[picked an area at random?]
The only think you'll
Growling in frustration Haseo
after Ovan's sacrifice AIDA had been fragmented and the majority of it deleted
[According to implication in the games as well as the word from the creators themselves, Ovan reset the ENTIRE INTERNET and purged everything networked from AIDA. Unless Aihane had some backed up on a drive or computer not connected during The Rebirth, he shouldn’t have any]
what your in for
He'll cheer up (well at least a little, this is Haseo we're talking about
[Haseo’s not bad attitude made flesh, he’s just a stressed teen. I got the implication that he was merely having one bad day (which was rather stressed when he seemed EXACTLY as over-irritated at the end as the beginning), but he shouldn’t be ready to bite people’s heads off all the time. He’d even started to cool off in Vol 2 when Alkaid came to him for help with Sirius]
Skeith at such a high level it shouldn't be too hard
[If levels existed in the extent that AIDA exists. However, canon is explicit in saying that ‘levels’ in The World are essentially irrelevant when dealing with superanomalous things like AIDA or the Azure Knights. The game uses it because it’s a game and you’ve got to put a number to it somehow just for design and programming purposes]
then the one's
[than the ones]
As expected the Gate
Frowning he gritted
Skeith usually doesn't act on his own like that
Dashing forward Haseo prepared
sparked and and backed
Don't worry so much
[Point: Haseo shouldn’t be QUITE so confused about a possible third party talking to him. He’s spoken to Skeith before (remember after The Rebirth?)]
through the are and
Do you see anyone else
[Source Mixing. Every time you do it, you draw your audience out of the story. That means we’re more likely to go to another story]
Leaning over he switched
both of the Gate Keeper's
he thought pinching his nose in confusion
[1: pinching your nose is done as an anti-headache measure, and it’s not very effective. 2: Why’s he acting like he’s so physiologically stressed? Haseo’s gotten tired and just logged out to sleep before]
over andopened the
he thought about it
all of the Epitaph User's had been damaged physically and mentally
[Actually, the games only implied Haseo, given that he was just one step outside Ground Zero (so to speak), the others were farther and took less damage]
he demanded and Skeith sighed
[You’re Source Mixing again. Don’t]
the old hag told you
[Problem: that’s Haseo’s initially slanderous (and later just to bug her) name, nobody else used it and it’s extremely unlikely that Skeith would do so]
So your saying
[See above for the lesson on the right “you’re”]
because there was no reason?
[Fans on the dothackers forums have also speculated that they lacked the intelligence to actually converse until close to that point. They were human information collectors, but learning a language is hard]
Shrugging it off Haseo
to mack sure no
and its a safe bet
[“its” possessive of “it”. “it’s” contraction “it is”]
he got there Haseo
Haseo quickly sent a short flash mail to everyone
[I could see him messaging the fan-named ‘infinity eight’, but everyone? If he’s only messaging a few, say it’s only a few]
the Terror of Death began, but Haseo quickly cut off his tirade
[Note how there is a short reaction, but there isn’t any dialog or complex action from the next character. This is a good use of multiple characters in one paragraph]
Haseo mumbled to his Avatar and Pi raised an eyebrow
[And this paragraph is another example of the evil Source Mixing. You do it a lot, especially in this chapter]
his throat Haseo crossed
when I can across
[Source Mixing. If you’re having difficulty figuring out where to split it…anywhere in between those quote marks. Don’t ever have two people talking in one paragraph. You can have overlapping dialog in movies or audio dramas, but not text. Letters just don’t work that way]
a smile still in place
[Zelkova is not a perpetual smiler, and this would definitely be a point where he’d take on a more neutral, contemplative expression]
Tartarga bring up footage
he explained cheerfully. Yata elaborated
[1: Source Mixing. 2: Yata is commenting, not elaborating. His idea is different than what Zelkova’s talking about]
an abnormal server appeared
[I know that an area can take on abnormalities – the quadrilogy actually did a good job of presenting that fact. However, I need to question if you know what a server is. It’s a HUGE, very complex collection of data consisting not of just one Area but many]
against those AIDA I
The reinstated G.U. leader
[Why describe him as “reinstated”? He’s always been a sort of leader, and things calming down after Cubia wouldn’t see him removed from that. Probably not even unless he’s indicted legally as part of the trouble CC Corp allowed]
he said and Yata cleared his throat
[Endrance stopped. Why does Yata need a special action to get attention? He could just start talking]
to him now Yata
the Avatar's that
as well and become more advanced
[This is extremely confusing construction. It could’ve been trimmed down a lot and lost no meaning, and I think this sentence needs some clipping]
the stronger and more advanced they become
[Yes, thank you for repeating your own sentences. I never would’ve figured it out if it hadn’t been said twice in exactly the same words]
but nothing gravely abnormal
[It’s the first that the audience has ever seen it happen in the entire series…though it’s not a catastrophic event, which I think is closer to the idea you intended]
Hitting the Log Out com
| Ronnin-themanwithnoprinciples chapter 4 . 1/22/2012
This story is really developing in a cool way. I like how Innis calls Atoli "My lady," it seems rather fitting, I can't wait to continue reading.
| Ronnin-themanwithnoprinciples chapter 3 . 1/2/2012
Man, I'm really enjoying this story. I had always felt like the Avatar's should have had a bigger part during G.U., since all they DID do was grant the Epitaph Users their power. I'm adding your story to my favorites.