|Reviews for Tears of a Lily|
| An Aspiring Author chapter 6 . 5/4/2008
awesome story! its so funny! i would really like to know how lily reacted when james told her sandy was having a baby though... maybe in the next chapter? *hopeful look* update soon!
| CURLupandDYE chapter 6 . 3/28/2008
Okay so here's what i have to say about the story, i am not trying to flame you, so please, please don't take this personally.
But firstly, let's start out on a positive note:
I like your plot. I think that it is an interesting and creative twist on the classic amnesia story.
However you could really improve your story. It has major potential but it's not quite there yet. I've noticed a couple of things that I find wrong with it.
Crystal situation: It is believable that James could have gotten drunk and knocked his best friend up one night. However how that characters handled the situation is not believable for one second.
Firstly, put yourself in James and Sandy's shoes when they found out she was pregnant. Sandy is obviously very close to Lily who is the fiance of James. They aren't going to take the situation seriously for one minute and then all of the sudden just smile and think everything is okay. James for one cheated on his soon to be wife and got the girl pregnant, which is a man's worst nightmare. I think that he would be very torn up about the situation. For one he would have to feel very guilty and he is probably scared out of his mind also. He is going to be a father which I imagine being a very nerve wrecking thing in the first place, but to top it off he doesn't know how everyone is going to react to it. Just think of the situations, Lily could break up with him, his mother and best friends could disown him; he could lose all that is dear to him. However that doesn't mean that won't stick by Cassandra and abandon his child. I find it very in character that he did do just that. And Sandy...
She would have to be feeling the same emotions as well. She is having a baby with someone she is not even dating. She has to be nervous to how everyone is going to react. Now you did put one sentence about her nerves on people's reactions, but it needs more than that. She also doesn't even know if James is going to stick by her and her child's side. Best friends or not, it is reasonable for her to have doubts whether James was to disown the baby as well. And to top it all off she seems to be friends with her baby daddy's fiance Lily. Which leads us to Lily...
She would have to be beyond angry at both of them. James cheated on her, drunk or not that is something very major. Cassandra is pregnant with a James' child. You haven't explained the scene where she found out about yet but I would imagine that it wouldn't be pretty. I think that there is some plausible way which Lily could forgive James and still want to marry him, but it wouldn't be simple. But I don't think she would as forgiving to Cassandra as she is to James. Or at the very least be as close to Cassandra as she one in prologue. I think Lily would resent her and the fact that she is carrying James' baby. She would probably be jealous as well because she is not the one with the baby. Now I do think that it is believable for her to bury the hatchet and help raise Crystal once James goes missing, but I seriously can't see her smiling at her fiance laying together with the girl he cheated on her with and lay a blanket on them and smile and think they are cute.
And finally we have the whole Adele/Sirius/Remus reactions. You didn't go into detail about it but I think that their reactions would be something James would take as lightly as he did. I think they would be seriously ticked off, possibly yelling? or maybe even a couple of punches James way?
Overall, I don't think that you put enough thought and time into the situation. A baby-especially out of wedlock-would be a life-changing situation. It would be a long, stressful, and difficult situation, and basically, your characters take it too lightly.
/Summary: The title of the story is called 'Tears of a Lily'. The plot describes James and Lily being engaged and James being kidnapped only to return years later to have amnesia. Basically going into the story I thought that the story was going to center around James and Lily. However you are centering the story around Cassandra and her baby, straying off the plot line.
issue: Firstly I have nothing, absolutely nothing against Wiccans. I am a religiously tolerant person and I do not judge people by their religions (I am agnostic in case you were wondering). But I think that you put too much emphasis on the fact that Cassandra is Wiccan. You keep putting it over and over again throughout the chapters that she is Wiccan. However I do not see where that comes into relevance to the story. Authors usually repeat stuff throughout stories if they are symbols, and I really don't see what her being Wiccan can symbolize. I can understand that being Wiccan is a big part of her life but you really should make less reference to it.
Article incident: Once again another very serious situation your character took too lightly which makes them unbelievable. I don't think that mature adults would handle the situation by pranks. It is more something a child would do to be honest. There are other ways of handling the situation such as Sandy writing a column about it or possibly even getting the law into it.
Basically those are all of your faults to your story but they are fixable. Here's some suggestions to make your story better:
1. Get a beta. They could help you with grammar, characterization, spelling, and dialog. They would help you focus on individual chapters and make them better.
2. Relate to the characters. Sit down and think of the situations that you present in the story. Then proceed to put yourself into your characters shoes. How would you feel about the situation is that was happening to you? How would you react? Write down those feelings or reactions on paper. Then, take the paper of reactions read them over and apply them to the characters in your story.
3. Description. Description is everything to a story, it makes it or breaks it. Take time to describe sights, emotions, scenes. It helps give readers and insight into the characters and everything more realistic and relatable.
the story. Where are you going with it? How is it going to end? What is going to happen in the middle? With a good outline you have an idea of what is to happen, and you don't get that much off of the plot.
Wow, I just spent an hour on this review. I have never spent this long on one review before! I would never spend this long on a review if the story wasn't interesting or hopeful. I really really love your idea of the story and it has much, much potential. A good fanfic takes time and effort. I commend you for writing one(I know that I do not that the patience to do so myself). I just ask you to read my critique with an open mind, and to take it as constructive criticism to improve your writing. I seriously believe that this story has potential to be exceptional.
| aradian nights chapter 6 . 3/28/2008
| driedapples chapter 6 . 3/28/2008
This story seems rather deviating from what the summary says this story is about. Honestly, these pranks... seem to portray sirius, the marauders, etc. as very very out of character. moreover...this chapter and the plotting of the pranks seem to unfit into the entire mood/tone/feel of the story. Another point is that Where is james? isn't he rather important in this story. where is lily? isn't she important too? i mean, the title of the story IS called tears of a lily. tears of a lily. sets up the reader to expect some drama or conflict, not pranks.
| Magz86 chapter 6 . 3/28/2008
LMAO! OMG, that was so funny! Great updates!
| Holy Cross Baby chapter 1 . 3/28/2008
I really like this fic, however I can't read it because I hate fics when James has a child with someone else. Good luck though
| aradian nights chapter 4 . 12/28/2007
| RavieGrint chapter 4 . 11/26/2007
Wow. This was definately one of the best chapters. Every moment I felt like holding my breath to see what would happen next. I loved it. It was so...dramatic. I hope you update soon! It's great.
| KrisB.723 chapter 3 . 11/16/2007
| RavieGrint chapter 3 . 11/10/2007
OH MY GOSH! This is really good. I love the plot. Poor James. And a cliffy! Erlag. haha. Update soon!
| marie chapter 3 . 11/9/2007
I'm completely confused. Cassandra is pregnant with James' baby while James is engaged to Lily? Lily is ok with this? What kind of relationship did James have with his female friend? If you could please explain their background I would appreciate it very much.
| cosmopolitan chapter 3 . 11/9/2007
so loving the fic so far think its fantastic, but i have to ask- how did jaames and cass end up getting together? b/c it seems liek every way i try to play it out in my mind it woudlnt seem logcal that he'd be with lily rather than at least tryign to be with cass for the sake of the child or sumthign since unless he cheated on lily they wuldnt hav been together longer that 2 months tops b4 she realized she was preggers
i dunno, that was just bothering me, anywayz, love the fic, great job!
| LadyKnightSusan chapter 3 . 11/9/2007
James is back! Great job! Nice dundundun there at the end. Update soon!
| aradian nights chapter 3 . 11/9/2007
cool! though i don't like the fact that james got another women pregnet! anyway update please.
| broadwaybabe chapter 3 . 11/9/2007
Every other week! NO Need update!