|Reviews for The Eternal Legend|
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 11/12/2016
sky was raging
[“had/was/were verb” is a passive construction that disrupts the flow of a story and wrecks tension, dramatic or action. “sky raged” is concise and active]
men could be heard
[passive, good if you want to slow down the pace and draw your audience out of the narrative (perhaps you want to transfer story arc), but something to avoid any other time. ‘men chanted’ would be more concise and active]
began to glow
[‘began to’ is something that works better in conversation or a first-person present-tense narrative where that’s the exact action happening at that instant. In past tense, using the straight verb (“glowed” here) is more concise]
heavy breathing of their bodies
[As opposed to breathing of their clothes? Verbosity can add to your narrative voice, or just sound odd]
the king raged
[the one who was so old and weak he couldn’t even hold off his unready son’s coronation?]
Kicking open the door with a bang in swept into the room
face redder than blood
[Given that it’s blood that gives a face its redness, and the blood is beneath the skin, this doesn’t make sense. It sounds like either he’s bleeding or transforming into something nonhuman (and as this is a fantasy you’re still setting the stage for, either is a possibility)]
ignored the statement
[demand, I think]
tapping on its own accord
[The foot isn’t possessed, the king himself is irritated and not holding in the signs]
Their birth will bring
[You said ‘child’, which is singular. ‘their’ is plural]
time." The King
[Source Mixing: especially when dialog is involved, when you break to a new character, you should break to a new paragraph. Especially here where the action is whole and distinctly from the king, not the unnamed wise man who spoke]
Of an that abused its power
[Confusing. Did part of the paragraph get accidentally cut? I sense something’s missing]
from the mind's
into dust leaving
Death and the dead shall
Yes. Yes. And
[Missing paragraph opening, or at least some punctuation. Also: you have a tendency to add actions/reactions and attributive description AFTER dialog, it would help if you move it before the words are spoken so we have 1: varied paragraph structure and 2: clear attribution before important lines]
be brought-up healthy
[Not sure why that’s hyphenated]
one of my personal servants
[this is a convoluted plan, leaders tend to know plans requiring a lot of things to go right…don’t. Shouldn’t he just have somebody take the boy to an orphanage or sent directly to a trusted servant as an orphan?]
Slowly he looked
[Adverbs are best used in moderation, there is almost always a stronger verb or word you can use instead. Here it adds nothing, the following sentence indicates long passage of time]
in nothing but green clothing
[Relative to some of the characters, she wore a lot of not only clothing, but browns and other subdued colors. Just “in green clothing” would skip all of those problems]
Their was a rustling
air I breath.
differ than in the past
[differ from the past]
You speak of no faith in our sacrifice
[“You have no faith in our sacrifice”…of course she wouldn’t, he hasn’t described anything. She has nothing to go on based on this exchange]
destiny shall prevent the evil
[If it’s already out there and growing (and that’s a vague cliché), why would inhibiting the hero stop it? That “evil” already has its inertia]
I shall child, but first I ask
[She already granted him a request]
"Calm your asses down
[This is NOT the way to set a scene. You need to set the place, time, and inform us who’s in the scene. That’s only MORE true if dialog is involved. It’s only at the end of this long paragraph that you mention the setting being a town, with no clear indication who is an active participant in the scene for over a page]
half as many taken table as there were empty
[A convoluted way of saying ‘the bar was half full’. Or twice as big as it needed to be, if you’re an engineer]
counter. I'll seat
timer you can
And I ask again. Why
[If you’re wanting to disassemble your audience’s interest in the character and entire scene he’s in, this is the way to do it]
like their to be
raise the child as your own
[I don’t think this merchant can. You’ve done a lot to indicate he’s avaracious, ignorant, and short-sighted. He did nothing to build repore with the people so far, and that indicates an inclination to bad relationships, which isn’t good practice for a merchant. Not even a good practice for stonebreakers]
It was a dry
medium built man was striking
near ten years before
[Unless he’s planting an orchard, this is in excess of any crops I can think of. Either the ground is fertile or it isn’t, pick one]
answering person's questions
[persons seems to add nothing here]
She would move on and marry again
[Earlier conversation indicated she was ov the same mind or he wouldn’t have married the farmer. Now suddenly he’s got provisions for her to run off?]
and its crawling
child I need you to care for
[Then what about the jerk merchant?]
You set up several aspects, but the problem is I don’t sense interesting character growth. Many of the people are obtuse, others (like the merchant) are outright dislikable. There’s nobody that I feel is worth following no matter what the plot. Nobody has a concrete sense of character, and it’s not just the lack of names (though I think if you came up with some, even just for yourself, that might help). They all feel like tired tropes instead of living people with their own logical wants and inclinations. Repeated technical problems also hold back the story text, perhaps a Beta or another friend’s eyes could help you identify weaknesses.
| tetraforce theory chapter 40 . 9/11/2016
This the first time i've felt a need to review, especially on a well-woven tale 7 years since ceased. But the realization that the goddess had actually appeared was amazing. Simply amazing.
| Baron O Beefdip chapter 58 . 5/2/2016
Well, as annoying as it must be to authors to receive a review only containing praises and not faults, I'm afraid that's what you're going to get from me. Can't help it - I'm just being honest.
Your story had me riveted the whole time, from start to finish. It had intrigue, it had action, it had very light yet believable romance... the characters were developed enough for my liking, your own spin on the mythos of the Legend of Zelda was interesting.
Really, I don't see how other reviewers can find fault in it.
I mean... Well, okay. If I was going to be critiquing as a perfectionist ass, I could say:
#-Having more information on the the other Links would have been a nice bonus. Especially Eric, the sole survivor(not counting the original). A day in their lives or snippets of their youths would've made more impact.
#-There were typos and missing words making sentences not make sense right off the bat!
Other than reaching that far to find fault, I can't really complain. It was a really good tale and it's a shame you're no longer active in this community.
| Baron O Beefdip chapter 56 . 5/2/2016
Ganon: "I am the Night! I am... BATMAN!"
*is set on by mighty lawyers representing the kingdom of DC, continuously summoning magical copyright lawsuits smacking him in the face and about the body, juggling him about the air like a triple digit combo in a fighting game and binding him within the hell of the legal system*
| Baron O Beefdip chapter 54 . 5/2/2016
Sorry, but my mind owns a summer house in the gutter and it's currently crashing there:
So, with his magic 'feel-the-feels' hand, if Veran plays pocket pool with it, is it double the fun?
Hey, I had to ask.
Don't look at me that way.
| Baron O Beefdip chapter 48 . 5/2/2016
The Legend of Zelda: Wingman Princess.
Damn. Was really hating on her up until she ate some humble pie this chapter, served up by the lovely redhead.
| Guest chapter 26 . 5/1/2016
Kind of a shame that the first to fall, and in the span of a single chapter, was the Fierce Diety. I was hoping he'd be one of the later foes. Oh well.
Artfully depicted combat. And an arrow to the eye? Yeesh. Arrows to the knees kill adventurers' dreams, arrows to the eye just kill. Not FD, though, huh? Had to get the whole loss of perspective that comes with beheading.
| Guest chapter 24 . 5/1/2016
Wow. What a bitch. Hope she gets knocked down a peg or two... million. Her heads so far up her own ass and in the clouds only a fall down Mount Everest would suffice.
Bonus points if she lands on Link's dick.
| Guest chapter 23 . 5/1/2016
I realize it's your creative license at work here, but you've made the Triforce of Wisdom WAYYYYYYY too overpowered. If there comes time for the bearer of Power to appear, I'm hard pressed to imagine how he or she is going to stand up against an ice queen who can scramble your brain invisibly.
| Guest chapter 50 . 5/15/2015
The infamous hiatus of the 07 . Poor Bjorn I hope he found peace
| Guest chapter 48 . 5/13/2015
I wonder what position Link used with Sera haha. Dare I say... From behind for maximum speed and minimum contact? Huehuehe
| Guest chapter 47 . 5/13/2015
I remember the only thing I really disliked of this story. Glenn's role at thee d, bad call that one author
| Guest chapter 37 . 5/7/2015
You did well.
| Guest chapter 35 . 5/7/2015
And so we come to the last two part worthies magnificent story. Like it was years ago it has been a hell of a ride filled with plots, development and tasteful use of the cliches, the fact that the story is still relevant even after the publishing of Hyrule Historian is a feat in itself.
Congratulation on 300 reviews, oh Author mine
| Guest chapter 33 . 5/7/2015
On a quick note its Bolero of fire not Belero which means small ship