Reviews for Shinji and Asuka
Jennitime chapter 9 . 11/3/2007
OMG! I know what's gonna happen! Well,hehe,let's see if I'm right! :P
Seggy chapter 9 . 11/2/2007
You, Mr. DeadlyPole, must be extremely botto-happy to write so much hentai in one chapter. In every chapter.
iamjustanotherguy chapter 9 . 10/31/2007
first thanks for the waffles. second i liked it cant wait till the next chapter. one question i have to ask is when you said this **She couldn't help her lips from twitching a bit.** what did you mean? i know its a stupid but the idiot in me had to ask. sorry._


- justanotherguyathiscomputer 4 president

-vote justanotherguyathiscomputer/ The Bunny '08


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come on The Bunny knows what he's doing
AsukaIkari chapter 9 . 10/31/2007
What happen wiht Shinji's manhood? What a mistery? you resolve this in the next chap? more lemon in the next chap? update SOON PLEASE
Spicegirl chapter 9 . 10/31/2007
Yeah i like this chap, interesting. Ok you know lemon,lemon and more lemon. XD and fiery Asuka and a little of history or Whatever you write sound good wiht me lol
kiraLi chapter 9 . 10/31/2007
Another great chapter done and you are improving slowly which is good. Hope you update soon.
Darknemo2000 chapter 9 . 10/31/2007
I can see that you really tried to add more description. But I also can see that you are not very used to it yet, thus not so very comfortable about it.

I can clearly see where you were conscious about adding the description and where you were forgetting about it. But again - at least you tried and I liked this chapters pace more than all others, even though you still did some rushing from time to time.

Erotic scenes are still probably the weakest spot of your lemon. Though you tried to be more descriptive the scenes themselves still felt rather short and not really vivid in terms of creating a picture in readers head.

Yet again, its not the lemon that would have its erotic scenes as the main attraction.

The whole chapter was longer than usual, but because you still used more dialogs than the descriptions between them it felt shorter and maybe faster than you intended it to be.

Personally, I can see the improvements compared with the way you started, but you still have lots of room for improvements.

Good luck with future chapters.

P.S. I all be frank and honest about that Knight/Lady story - its far from impressive. And due to the fact that it was in a sense stealing time from Shinji and Asuka, it was even more annoying. The final climax was so overused and dull. Hope if you will do an original fiction, your actual fic would not be similar to this one. I know you can do better than that.
AsukaIkari chapter 8 . 10/30/2007
Oh PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE and more PLEASE(thats sound weird). Update SOON
Lavitz92 chapter 8 . 10/30/2007
Thanks for the waffles part. Your doing great!
bigguy1234 chapter 8 . 10/30/2007
very interesting story keep up the work
Darknemo2000 chapter 8 . 10/30/2007
I will use this chance (or actually the fact that I somehow missed chapter 8 before) to reply both to your reply t my review and also to comment on this chapter.

I agree with you that readers nowadays like faster pace, iof we would put Dostojevsky or Goethe up on fanfiction board I have little doubt that they would get flamed for using so much of description.

Yet if you keep such quick pace of your writing, though readers probably would appreciate it at the moment, they will forget it once they stop reading. Usually the ones that are remembered are the solid paced fics. Though people bitch from time to time about taking too long to get to the action and too huge amount of description, usually such fics are remembered.

It would actually solve your problem of moving too fast and would stabilize your story slow as it wouldn't look so rushed as it is now.

One of my friends is writing Asuka/Shinji lemon as well, and his fic so far looks very good as he uses a lot of description be it sex scenes or normal situations.

Adding more description to sex scenes makes it more erotic. Yours is very weakly done so far. Scene starts and ends within a few seconds. In contrast I could say that my friends fic (that I am revising at the moment) could write about single sexual scene for pages. The description really makes it stand out and you can actually see the scene.

Its not only about erotic scenes, but about all scenes in general. The descriptive writers are like painters - they paint the scenes with words. while fact based writers use only few generic words and rest has to be done by readers imagination. Sadly, nowadays no reader has the patience to sit and imagine the bits left out by writer. Thus leaving words without any real imaginative meaning attached to them, in process making the whole scene easy to forget.

What makes your fic to stand out is that Asuka still has her fiery side to her. Instead of being too submissive and so-oh-in-love. Thats pretty rare for lemon fics.

However, the bigger doses of WAFF you use the less of her strong personality remains. And I am afraid that after the last scene in this chapter she will become like all other Asuka's in WAFFY fics. I hope I am wrong though, and you will still leave a certain edge of her personality, bickering back at Shinji no matter how intimate they become.

Well anyways, good luck with your writing.
Nightmare2046 chapter 8 . 10/30/2007
ok yo make you happy. This is a good story so far. Needs a little bit of work in the plot department but other then that it's good. Also good sex scenes for this site thought if you wish to make them more in depth I would post them on that's it. Later.
Darknemo2000 chapter 7 . 10/29/2007
You said that you liked honesty, so I am going to be honest about this fic.

You are moving too quick, not the plot in general, but scenes. Just look how much does it take one scene to happen - few lines. Its way too fast for any self-respecting author. You only savor only on A/S bits but even there the irregularity of switching scenes remains.

My advice - description. description and description. So far your fic looks more like a bunch of facts mixed in together. While factual events are good an all, after all they are the bones that hold your fic structure, yet description is that juicy meat that makes it really enjoyable.

Same goes for your sexual/erotic scenes. They start and finish off during few short sentences. I can hardly call this erotic at all. Unless the reader has great imagination and thinks all the missed bits by author by himself. And author does miss a lot. Your sexual scenes mostly consist from words "cock", "pussy" and "pump". This is not what a good lemon is made of. Make scenes much longer, describe how it is in more detail. Now it seems more like 12 year old writing about something that he doesn't even know of, trying to give an impression that he does with overused general phrases.

Even if we would be not talking about badly and uncreatively done sex scenes the general action based structure of the fic remains. I cant blame you too much with todays media centered on the action

and facts, the young writers start following it in this. Unless you read a good old classical writings, that always have more description than factual action. Description creates more solid flow of your fic while action based flow looks disrupted and rushed.

So far as characters goes - you did impressively good job on Asuka, for a lemon that is. She is still bickering and rather bitchy from time to time. You don't go into a mellow and lovey-dovey mode in an instant. Shinji is totally OOC, but I guess you knew that from the beginning.

My biggest complain comes from side characters though. They are really badly done. Just look at your dialogs! Horrible! They just scream, "We are nothing but plot devices" at me, every time i look at them. Once the plot is set up you try to get rid of them out of the picture as fast as you can. Don't do that. I am not asking to make them deep or anything else. After all this is a fic about Asuka/Shinji, yet please, PLEASE, take it more slowly. Don't get rid of them so suddenly, once the setting is done. Make them look more like personalities and not just plot devices.

No it is not flaming. I seriously would like to see you getting better at writing stuff, thats why i am pointing things that I think might help you better.

Overall, its a good fic, yet too rushed. Rushed in a sense of pace between the scenes. But its nothing that more detailed description and some hard work would not be able to fix.
Spicegirl chapter 8 . 10/29/2007
Yeah its great see they're feeling. Ok update SOON
iamjustanotherguy chapter 8 . 10/29/2007
'this is a good story' there i said/wrote it. can't wait till the next chapter. also for some reason i must demand more waffles. i don't know why though. o_O


-justanotherguyathiscomputer 4 president

-vote justanotherguyathiscomputer/ The Bunny '08


( \_/ )



The Bunny will rule one day with an iron cotton tail.
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