Reviews for Unseen
storynerd chapter 1 . 10/17/2009
luv how u portrayed sato-kun. update soon!
crazyviper88 chapter 1 . 6/26/2009
hehe this story is pretty interesting! i do hope that you update soon, im interested in reading the future chapters. you did a good job so far, keep up the good work!
lovescent chapter 1 . 4/26/2009
wow, y'know you should really update this.. i love it!

i loved your OC, which is very rare for me, but i think he's great, so please continue!
Celtic Harmony chapter 1 . 3/19/2009
update soon please. great story so far.
YinYangWhiteTiger chapter 1 . 8/27/2008
XD OMG the greatest OC fic ever! I loved you character :D IS he in another fic?

I think your character is cool! but I wonder what makes him the way he is...
Web Critique chapter 1 . 8/23/2008
I have only read the start of this and I can't help but notice it is almost exactly the same as 'The Godless One'? I hope this will be explained as I read further but it is slightly... worrying? I will review when I have finished the story as well.


Vampire-to-B chapter 1 . 6/12/2008
in the description, when you said facination, did you mean like, obsession? like stalker stuff? cause that would be creepy...
kfc fuyitiy chapter 1 . 11/1/2007
please add to "I am not submisuve" or what ever please!
mysticlegend11 chapter 1 . 10/31/2007
Since you took the MS test, I'm guessing Kiyoshi is a girl? Pity, no one writes male OCs these days.

Well, since I've never read the original Unseen, I'm curious as to where this is going. I loved the last word (because it was wonderfully IC for the twins), but you could have defined what 'konbawa' is. Otherwise, try to avoid Romaji as much as you can, because it is an English fic. Ow is always a substitute to itai as well.

A wry thought escaped her. 'Damn troublesome rich bastards...'

This part I found uncomfortably OOC. I'm sure Haruhi thinks these thoughts, but I find her more oblivious than... bitter? I don't know, she's typically not that direct.

You're dangling on the verge of purple prose though, since some descriptions are unnecessarily long. Did we really need a one paragraph description of Kiyoshi or could you integrate that with the rest of the story? If you're going to describe Kiyoshi, you may as well have described the canon characters as well.

This fic is nearly perfect, but there are a few mistakes that are really bothering me. Do you have a beta? It would really help.

Professional though.