|Reviews for Atelier Iris3:Fates Intertwine Edge X Phenyl|
| PKiscoming chapter 1 . 4/22
This is sick you know that she is like 12 right? Edge is 19!
| obelisk0007 chapter 1 . 8/22/2011
Yup! phenyl's quite cute, but I like Iris better. sorry! Good story, overall. ) Sure hope another game features the whole cast.
| littlebellbunny chapter 1 . 5/11/2008
ahahahaha this is funny. Im such a better lemon writer than you! Lol. It was good though, great job! ;P
Just a question, but you are a guy, right? not a girl?
| GentleDarknessHaou chapter 1 . 2/22/2008
Well, you did say I should review.
The fic looks great, but the punctuation really needs work. The lime paragraph is nothing but a mass of run-on sentences, basically. Contrary to what others have said, the lemony stuff here is NOTHING compared to some other fics I've seen around here. This is more like a lightspeed lime, and really-it's not that graphic.
Well, at least it's my 2 cents. Otherwise, funny story.
| sandpenguin chapter 1 . 1/2/2008
Every writer have it's ups and downs... don't worry about the good or bad reviews, just take the techniques that they give to you. I want to say something about your story.
First of all, try to double-space every paragraph using Microsoft Word (Or whatever the stuffs that you use to write this fic) This is because to overcome the annoying 'disarray' of the words. The one that you think will be a paragraph but in the end, not.
If you can, change back the sex scene with a normal font and make it 'nicer' okay? I don't want a King Kong made sex with Clifford, the big red dog.. o_O. Also make it longer, two paragraphs would be enough.
Add more details to your story, don't worry, just keep doing fictions so it will train your brain to write better words and sentences. If can, buy some dictionary like (Mother Language to English and vice versa)and the normal English ones. It's hard to speak languages other than our mother language right?
Practice makes perfect but don't work over the night because your brain will be slower in the early of morning to go to school.
Well, that's a bunch of tips eh, there's a lot to do from now, I guess...
| Elli Cole chapter 1 . 11/5/2007
You certainly improved since your first story, I give you that, but you still have a long way to go. The story is still not up to par, unfortunately, but you'll do better next time.
Your sex scene is a bit too vulgar. You could do better.